Chapter 6 'Houso Smugglers'

Sup ya legends, and I am on a roll, (two chapters in one day, better than one, or none)

Anyways, this chapter is where I remove any filter, and make an incredibly vulgar, and hopefully hilarious scene. Houso is a nickname for someone from a housing commission, (I think) and their behaviour is inspired by the Australian sitcom 'Housos'. It is the most accurate portrayal of Australians: A bunch of rude, horny, vulgar, aggressive, quthority hating morons who do drugs, drink lots of alcohol, and whack people with thongs…Just watch the show, you can never find a more accurate portrayal of Aussie culture anywhere else.

There will be many Aussie jokes, and lots of swearing and shit, so be warned.

''We hang down on the block,
This is where we live, and we just don't give a fuck! (yeah bro!)
Cause we don't have a job,
Some scam, and others rob,
We wear thongs bro!
We do A.V.O's (Apprehended Violence Order)
We wear Uggs bro!
Where did me kids go?
And if you come in after seven,
You might end up in heaven!
Why?
Cause we're Housos!
(Housos x9)
Neighbours, getting to be good friends?
Yeah, fucking come down to Sunnyvale mate!''

Chapter begins immediately after chapter 5.

Anyways, lets get on with the chapter! Enjoy or suffer.

Blu was stuffed into a sack, and put inside a cage. Blu couldn't really see that well, but heard someone inside the cage.

''Jewel?'', Blu timidly and softly said.

''Blu!'', Jewel sprung up, as she was glad that she had company, even if it was Blu.

''Oh, are you alright?'', Blu asked.

''Yeah, but I'm scared…Where is he taking us?'', Jewel replied.

''I don't know…I guess we will find out…'', Blu sighed.

A while later, Jewel had ripped a hole in the sheet covering their cage, and she noticed they were walking down a street towards a house. Blu peeked through, and knew they weren't in a good part of town. Blu noticed a trashed shopping cart in a ditch, and some cheap looking houses. They were close to the house, and they entered the yard.

''Blu, play dead.'', Jewel whispered.

''Why?'', Blu asked.

''Just do it!'', she exclaimed in a whisper. Blu obeyed and played dead, with some added twitching.

''Stop moving!'', she told him.

''The twitching makes it more convincing.'', Blu told her. But he did stop, and they both were limp.

The kid knocked on the door, and it was answered.

''Excellent work, Mitchie! Well come on in, mate.'', the man let the boy in.

''See fellas, what did I say about the boy?'', the man asked.

''That you were pay him half of what you told him?'', one guy answered.

''No you drongo! I said that he reminds me when I was a lil' ankle biter: Smart, resourceful…Here ya go, mate.'', the man said.

''Oi, this is half what ya promised me!'', the boy exclaimed.

''Ah shutup mate.'', the man told him. However, they were interrupted by a woman entering the room,

''Oi Francis, what did I tell ya about your fucking bird smuggling operation! And who is this kid you blackmailed into stealing shit for you, you lazy spastic!'', the woman yelled at her husband, Francis.

''Ah, Shazza, I didn't blackmail him, he did so on his own accord!'', Francis responded.

''Well fucking hell, Francis, that's a first! Ah, I see you brought dumb and dumber along! You better ship the fuckers off tomorrow, cause Hunter isn't too pleased you converted his room into a fucking black market bird storage place! And this better work out better than your fucking weed farm, pyramid scheme and your other shitty money making schemes! ALL BECAUSE YOUR LAZY ASS CAN'T GET A FUCKING JOB!'', Sheryl yelled at him.

''Oh don't worry Sheryl, this will make us fucktons of money!'', Francis assured her.

''Yeah sure, ya said that about your 10 other fucking operations, and we still live off by sucking the governments tits for money!'', Sheryl yelled at him.

''Excuse me, I'm going to give birth to a politician.'', one of the goons, Troy, said as he went to the toilet.

''Righty o', well fucking show me the birds.'', Sheryl said.

''Oh, Shazza, these babies are million dollar birds!'', Francis exclaimed, and he uncovered the sheet, to see two seemingly dead birds.

''Pah! Yeah right, look at the cunts, DEAD! FRANCIS YOU FUCKWIT!'', Sheryl shouted.

''Oh, you spastic Mitchie…'', Francis muttered under his breath.

''I swear they were alive!'', Mitchie defended himself.

''They were alive, looks like they're not anymore!'', Francis snapped. Sheryl grabbed a ceramic pot, and began,

''Look at this,'', she knocked on it, ''Its hollow…JUST LIKE YOUR FUCKING HEAD!'', Sheryl knocked on Francis's head.

Francis grabbed Jewel, and waved it at Mitchie,

''I wanted them alive! Tell me, does this look alive to you?!'', Francis snapped at the boy. Jewel sprung up and bit Francis on the thumb. He let go of her, and Jewel frantically flew around the room as Francis and the other goon, Aaron, tried to catch her. Sheryl just laughed and mocked them.

Jewel circled around the room, bearing a frantic and confused face, as she desperately tried to find an exit. She spotted an open window, and flew towards it, but was pinned down by a massive black bird.

''Hello miss bluey…'', the Palm cockatoo maliciously greeted her.

''Oi Nigel, I want her ALIVE.'', Francis told him.

''To be continued…'', Nigel said to her. She was brought back to the cage, and chained to Blu.

''So, that was your plan? To just fly away and leave me?'', Blu scorned her.

''Well, why didn't you follow me?'', Jewel softly asked. Blu tried to say something, but nothing came out.

''Mitchie, take the birds to the room and hang the cage up on the hook.'', Francis said, pointing to what was Hunter's room. Mitchie obeyed, and he took them into the room, which was packed with bird cages. All three were horrified, but Blu and Jewel were more so, because they knew what they were saying.

Their pleas and cries echoed throughout the room, and both Blu and Jewel felt a sense of disgust. Mitchie hung their cage, and Blu and Jewel looked at him with desperate, pleading eyes.

''Sorry mates, nothing personal…'', Mitchie sadly said. He walked away, and reached the door, and looked back sadly. They were still looking at him with the same pleading eyes, and they let out soft squawks. Mitchie turned away, and closed the door.

''What will happen to them?'', Mitchie asked Francis.

''Oh, no worries mate. They'll all be sent off to good homes, including the blue birds.'', Francis reassured him. Troy exited the toilet, and headed to the bathroom to wash his hands. (In Australia, there is a small closet where toilets are, the bathroom is located next to them)

''Oi, did I miss anything?'', Troy asked.

''Yep.'', Francis told him. Troy washed his hands.

Mitchie exited the house, and overheard a conversation.

''So where will they be heading?'', Aaron asked.

''Stuffed, plucked, kept as a novelty, forced to perform, eaten…Who cares? We will be rich!'', Francis exclaimed. Mitchie felt guilty, and walked over to the window where they were kept. He opened it, and since it didn't have a screen, he didn't need to cut it.

''I'm so sorry guys…'', Mitchie apologised, as he walked away.

Meanwhile, Sheryl was scolding Francis.

''I hope you and your fuckwit friends don't fuck this up. Because Hunter has no room, and we are getting in trouble with the cops. I don't want them around illegal operations…'', Sheryl scolded him in a surprisingly sincere tone. She lit a blunt, and a pipe of crack, ''It's a bad influence…'', she added as she smoked the blunt and pipe…

Meanwhile (actually takes place earlier), Linda and Fred were out for dinner. They sat in a nice restaurant, and were eating their dinner. Fred had loaded fries, (Bacon, cheese and gravy over hot chips), plus a drink. Linda had a steak.

''I'm so glad you could join me for dinner. I often eat alone because of work…'', Fred thanked her. Fred had began to develop feelings for Linda, and planned on confessing this to her.

''No problem. I thought I was a crazy bird lover until I met you.'', Linda replied.

''Yeah, the crazy birdman, that's what they call me…For a reason.'', Fred added humourously, and they both chuckled.

''I can see why.'', Linda added, ''I'd also like to try out some Australian cuisine.'', she said.

''Oh, I have two perfect ones: The sausage snag you can get at Bunnings. Its just a sausage on a slice of bread, with sauce, either tomato or barbeque. You can butter the bread, add grated cheese and onions if you want. Its amazing. Don't forget the classic meat pie! But don't eat Vegemite, it is absolutely foul! I swear, its like I'm the only Aussie who despises Vegemite.'', Fred told her.

''Yeah, I've heard some bad things about Vegemite.'', Linda said.

''Uh, back to the bird topic. Y'know, birdman here can't hold conversations that aren't related to birds!'', Fred remarked, ''So, do you have a favourite bird species?'', Fred asked.

''Well, you can probably tell I'm more of a Blue Cockatoo kind of gal'.'', Linda answered.

''That makes sense, they are very beautiful birds.'', Fred replied.

''Actually, it's the brains I'm more attracted to, at least for Blu. I'm not really impressed by fancy feathers.'', Linda responded.

''I feel the same. Don't get me wrong, I find them to be stunning, but I personally prefer the spotted owl. I've always been mesmerised by those…Big…intelligent eyes…'', Fred responded, and they both gazed into each-other's eyes. They leaned closer, but were disturbed by the waiter, who placed a jug of water down, and poured wine into the glasses. (note that both Linda and Fred had soft drink/soda, and Fred ordered a variety of drinks to try)

''Here you go, sorry to ruin your intimacy.'', the waiter dryly said.

''Thank you, mate.'', Fred thanked the waiter. Suddenly, Fred received a phone call.

'Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Banana Phone!', his ringtone went off.

''Sorry, one sec.'', Fred said to Linda as he answered it.

''Hello?'', he answered, and Linda couldn't hear what the caller was saying, but saw Fred's expression grow more shocked as it went on, ''We'll be there shortly.'', Fred ended the call.

''What happened?'', Linda asked anxiously.

''Blu and Jewel have been kidnapped...'', Fred answered coldly.

That wraps up chapter, I hope you enjoyed it! I have a few ideas for this story, and I hope it all turns out well. I hope you found this chapter funny, and there are a few references and inside jokes. For people who grew up in housing commissions or lived near 'Junkie neighbourhoods', this chapter may be all too real. I would've like to add more slang, but I couldn't think of any.

By the way, I don't know the name of the 'oh shit/this ain't good' tone, so I just said 'coldly'. I only did this to exceed 1,899 words.

Next chapter should be out soon.

Until next time, goodbye.