Day 22/30

WARNING:

What you are about to witness are stunts performed by individuals with no formal training in professional wrestling techniques. These actions are dangerous, and may result in extreme bodily harm to you, your friends, or innocent bystanders just trying to watch a few dumbasses try and hurt each other through ridiculous means.

For your sake, and for the sake of your stupid little buddies, please don't try any of this at home.

Or you could just ignore this completely and go get yourself killed.

Or disabled.

Or humiliated.

Any of those three will probably happen, but most likely that last one.

"Ren, you really need to stop Nora from watching TV," Jaune said to his teammate as he laced up his shoes behind a stack of cardboard boxes, "And when I say that, I mean never let her watch it again. Especially pro wrestling. There are certain things she doesn't need to recreate, and this is probably the biggest one aside from horror films."

Sighing, Ren peeked out to the makeshift ring in the middle of the lawn where some of their fellow housemates had set up chairs to watch the upcoming match. "I cannot help that she is very impressionable. Not to mention that her charisma rubs off on certain people…"

"You mean Xiao Long, right?" Mercury asked, wrapping his hands up in wrist tape, "Honestly, I don't mind. The bustier the girl I wrestle with, the better."

"But why did I have to be your partner?" Jaune pointed to himself, "I don't know the first thing about wrestling!"

"It's just a formality, Arc. Ren's girlfriend-

"Friend. Just friend. Not girlfriend."

"Keep tellin' yourself that, pal. Anyways, it's a tag team match. That requires four people, not three. Believe me, I'd rather it just be me and those lovely ladies in the ring alone, but you'll be a good meat shield if anything."

"Well that makes me feel as self-confident as ever," Jaune groaned, taking a look at the 'arena' himself. He gasped when he saw Pyrrha sitting in the front row, eagerly awaiting his in-ring debut. "If I even walk out the ring with any confidence left, that is…"

"Relax, Arc," Merc cracked his knuckles, ready to get physical, "If things between you and her go sour after this, I'll take her off your hands if you want."

"Gee, thanks partner."

"At least Nora isn't competing today," Ren said, trying to bring some positivity to the conversation, "Those wasp stings really did a number on her yesterday. She can barely move without saying ouch."

"If only Yang hadn't recovered as quickly," Jaune took a deep breath, preparing for the incoming beating, "Let's just get this over with."

"The following contest is scheduled for - OW! - one-fall!" Nora shouted into her megaphone, nearly blasting out everyone's ear drums. She sat at ringside in a reclining chair, covered in bandages and smelling of soothing cream. Ruby cheered from her own seat, shoveling candy into her mouth as Weiss looked at her in disapproval.

"This is gonna be so cool!" Ruby grinned with a mouthful of chocolate, "I mean, the dodgeball thing was fun, but now I get to watch instead of getting hurt!"

"Manners, Ruby," Weiss said, taking her friend's bag of sweets away, "And don't get so excited. This ridiculous contest hasn't even started yet."

Chuckling as he eavesdropped on their conversation, Virulet couldn't help but talk to himself. "Oh, but what is there not to be excited about? Carnage, violence, brutality… All performed for my viewing pleasure! Mwah-ha-ha!"

"Uh, you alright there, kiddo?" Roman asked, noticing not-Penny's bizarre behavior. Virulet realized he had spoken too loudly, and scrambled to correct his mistake.

"Salutations, friend! Everything is peachy here! Yes! Nothing suspicious here, not at all! Just me, Penny Polendina!"

"…I'll take that as a yes."

The nearby speakers erupted with the sound of shattering glass and a guitar riff as the first two contestants ran out from the house's front door to the ring. Both were clad in white bath towels, thrown over their heads like cloaks.

"Introducing first!" Nora announced, "The team of Yang Xiao Long and Neopolitan: The Baked Alaskans!"

At the sound of their team name, both girls threw off their hoods. Yang whipped her hair back and raised her fist to the crowd, letting out a big woo. Neo, on the other hand, kept quiet and ducked under the elastic bands that acted as the ring ropes, bouncing on the mattresses making up the ring itself to test their durability. Once Yang finished her theatrics and got in the ring, the reluctant referee approached them.

"Your robes," Blake requested, completely monotone and disinterested in her job.

"Come on, Blake!" Yang said, handing over her extra attire, "Put a smile on that face!"

"I don't think so. The only reason Nora is making me do this is because I only ever wear black and white."

"See? You were made for this then! A natural born-

"Just go to your corner, Yang."

The Baked Alaskans music died down, and a long period of silence followed. People in the crowd started to trade glances at the strange occurrence, and Nora whipped her head around to her tech guy for some sort of answer. "What's going on back there?"

"I don't know how to change the track!" Adam said, holding the MP3 player upside down.

"Right arrow! Right!"

"My right or your right?"

"Uh… yours?"

Adam pressed the button, and a song did play all right, but it wasn't the one Merc and Jaune had picked out for themselves. Instead of one about getting down with the sickness, they heard the sound of someone singing about milkshakes and how they bring individuals to the yard.

"Oh, I love this song!" the Lieutenant clapped giddily, "Makes me wish I had some milkshakes of my own right now!"

"Goddammit!" Merc spat, kicking over a cardboard box, "That isn't our song!"

"Just go with it dude," Jaune sighed, trudging out to the ring, "Won't change the outcome of this match anyways."

"And their opponents," Nora shouted, "Jaune Arc and Mercury Black: The Golden Gods!"

The crowd stayed awkwardly silent as the two guys walked to the ring. Mercury was too busy cursing to himself about the botched entrance theme and Jaune looked like he was about to be executed. Seeing his dismay, Pyrrha felt he could use some encouragement.

"Let's go, Jaune!" Pyrrha shouted, happily, "You'll do great!"

"He's going to lose, you know," Cinder leaned over and said.

"As long as he utilizes our training I believe he will do just fine."

"I don't think that is going to matter. This is no disqualification, Nikos."

"…Oh dear."

Entering the ring, Merc removed his shirt and tossed it into the crowd. It landed on Emerlad's lap, who gagged and threw it off of her immediately. "Great. Now I have to shower again."

"Okay Arc," Merc said, pushing Jaune into their corner, "Just stay over here and don't move. I'll tag you in once I get my fill of those babes' bodies."

"I have a feeling you're not even going to tag me in."

"Probably not, no."

"Figured."

Leaning in her own corner of the ring, Blake pulled out a book and waved her hand at Velvet just outside the ropes. "Ring the bell, I guess."

"Okay!" Velvet nodded, tapping a glass cup with a spoon, "Let the match begin!"

Turning to his opponent, Merc grinned when he saw Neo standing before him. He looked over her outfit, a tight-fitting tank top, and picked out his first area of attack. "Now don't worry, Neo I ain't gonna hurt you. Just gonna- Huh?"

Neo held out a closed fist to him and winked. She opened her hand and blew into it, sending a shower of white powder into his eyes. It took a second before Black's eyes began to burn.

"AGH!" Merc keeled over, clutching his face, "Is-Is that salt?! Oh, Jesus Christ! Who even does that?! AGH, SHIT!"

"Huh," Yang said, scratching their head, "Didn't expect her to do that."

"YEAH!" Emerald roared in excitement at Merc's suffering, thrusting her fist in the air, "Put 'em in a bodybag Neo!"

"Blake!" Jaune shouted at the referee, "Didn't you see that? Disqualify her!"

"No rules," Blake replied, not even looking away from her book, "No disqualifications or whatever."

"No rules-?!"

"Wait, Neo!" Mercury begged, still clearing out his eyes, "Can't we talk this out?!"

Another dose of salt was her answer.

"Gahgh! Stop throwing salt, you bitch- ack!"

Neo kicked him in the chest, knocking him towards Jaune. The blinded Golden God tagged his partner in and he rolled out of the ring to safety.

"Where are you going?!" Jaune shouted as Black crawled away.

"Fuck this shit! They're all yours- Agh, it burns!"

Gulping, Jaune turned slowly to Neo, grinning at him maniacally. "You know, I think if I get in there, you're just going to throw salt in my eyes, so I'm just going to leave-

Jaune felt a heavy hand grasp his shoulder, and saw Yang standing behind him. "Sorry, Jaune. I can't let that happen~!"

"…Uh-oh."

Hoisting the noodle over her head, Yang tossed Arc into the ring. She joined Neo and bumped fists with her before they stood him back up. They threw his arms over their shoulders and lifted him up for a double suplex. Jaune crashed to the cushiony mat, his head bouncing off of it.

"Let's go Yang!" Ruby cheered for her sister.

"Yes!" Virulet followed, "Annihilate him! Crush him into a pile of dust!"

Roman gave him another odd look.

"Uh, I mean… I like having friends! Friends are fun!"

"Whoo!" Emerald cheered again, nearly knocking Cinder's drink from her hands as she jumped to her feet, "Get the tables!"

"Did someone say tables?" Yang smiled devilishly. She exited the ring, grabbing a card table from the pile of objects Nora had instructed to be left at ringside and brought it through the ropes.

"You gotta be kiddin' me…!" Jaune's eyes widened, and he looked to Yang for mercy, "Come on, Yang! We're friends, right?"

"Of course! This wrestling thing is all an act, you know. Just putting on a show for everyone!"

"Well the pain doesn't feel like much of an act!"

"Jaune!" Pyrrha covered her mouth in shock as Neo twisted around him and put him into a Figure Four leglock to keep him from escaping, "Someone needs to help him!"

"Wait!" Sun yelled, pointing into the distance, "Who's that running to the ring?!"

All eyes turned to the mystery figure, clad in a green bodysuit and pink mask. He leapt into the ring, taking a jujitsu stance. His eyes narrowed as Neo released Jaune to confront him.

"Oh my Gawd!" Nora bellowed into her megaphone, "A mystery figure has entered the ring! Who could it be?!"

"What's up, Ren?" Yang greeted the newcomer as she finished setting up the table, grabbing Jaune by the arm and pulling him to his doom.

"Help me, Ren!" Jaune begged, flailing desperately in an attempt to escape.

Rolling his eyes at his secret identity being blown, Ren performed a series of martial arts combos towards Neo, attempting to intimidate her. When that didn't work, he decided to strike. Unfortunately, Neo saw his lunge coming from a mile away, and sidestepped just as he tried to dropkick her. Unable to stop his momentum, Ren's flew past Yang and Jaune and right out of the ring. He landed into the heap of objects, his brief spotlight already burned out.

"Well, that was something," Yang deadpanned, turning back to her opponent, "Now where were we- WHOA!"

Hearing her partner, Neo spun around to help but felt herself being lifted off the ground. She gasped at Jaune, who was holding both her and Yang over his shoulders. With all his might and a revitalized fire in his eyes, Jaune let out a mighty shout as he flipped both girls into the card table. The Baked Alaskans crumpled onto the broken furniture, Yang's boobs pushing Neo's face into the mat.

"What a twist!" Nora laughed as she called the action, "After all of that, Jaune Arc has turned the tables completely! Or should I say broken the tables completely?"

Flipping his body onto the girls, Jaune looked at Blake for the three count. "Ref! Count! Now! End this!"

"Huh?" Blake put her book down for a second before diving into it again, "Oh. Three. You win. Yaaay…"

"Yes!" Pyrrha clapped, hopping out of her seat, "Way to go, Jaune!"

"I did it! I did it!" Jaune shouted, jumping to his feet and striking a pose. However, not everyone in the crowd was happy with the outcome.

"Boo!" Emerald jeered throwing her drink at Jaune, "That was a fast count!"

"Not enough blood- I mean, violence!" Virulet tried to correct himself, "No wait! I mean- Oh, damn it all!"

"Rematch!" Ruby called to Nora, "One more round!"

"C-Come on, guys," Jaune was sweating now, "This was fun and all, but do you really want to see me get beaten up like that?"

"He's right," Yang panted, leaning against the ring ropes as her partner joined her, "None of us want to see him get beaten up. Jaune caught us off guard and pinned us, fair and square. I think it's his partner that needs to learn a bit of courage and step into the ring."

About twenty feet from the ring, Mercury felt pairs of eyes staring him down as he crawled away on the ground. Still slightly blinded by the salt, he felt someone grab him by the ankles and start to pull him back to the ring. "Oh no… No, no, no!"

"Come on now, Mercury," Emerald said while throwing him into the ring, "A little bit of salt shouldn't keep a 5-Star Man down, now should it?"

"Is this wrong?" Pyrrha asked Jaune as he joined her in the crowd, "I know Mercury can be a jerk at times, but isn't this a bit much?"

"Maybe," Jaune said as Neo and Yang began their assault on Black, "But Merc always wanted to be double teamed by two girls at once. I'd say this is just fulfilling that wish-

"And Neo uses the salt on Black once again!"

"…Or maybe not."