I have read and reread and rewritten this chapter so many times and I AM DONE. I don't think it's terrible, but I know it could be better. Your kind reviews really kept me going this week. Thanks everyone!
"And we're finished!" Theo says, the triumph clear in his voice.
"You should be proud! Finishing a fourth year potion by yourself as a second year is no easy feat." I smile. Our calming draught looks like a success!
"Well, I had your help."
"You're right. That makes it even more impressive."
"Hey, don't sell yourself short! You helped a lot." He pours some of the, now cool, potion into a bottle and hands it to me.
Unfortunately, having been Theo's aid in making this, I am now more sure than ever that I can't do it myself. There are too many moving parts, and besides, without Theo, I would have a hell of a time getting the ingredients from Snape.
"So how did you convince Snape to give you the ingredients anyway?" I hold the bottle up to the light, looking at the mostly clear liquid swirling inside it.
"They're pretty similar to a few other potions we're learning this year, I just said we were doing a few of those."
"You lied for me?" I ask, stunned.
"I figured it wasn't Professor Snape's business," Theo shrugs.
"I uh, guess I should test it, huh?" I ask, awkwardly changing the subject.
"Yeah, in case I need to rush you to the Hospital Wing or something."
"I very highly doubt that. Bottoms up!" I take a swig. The potion tastes a little different from what Madame Pomfrey gave me, though I'm not really sure how to describe either one. I put the bottle down, just in case I were to drop it for some reason, and take a deep, calming breath. "I can't be sure, but I think this is stronger than what I was taking before."
"So it is for you," Theo says. I look away, upset that I gave myself away. "Don't worry, I had already assumed it was. I was just making sure." For being a young boy, he sees through my adult mind so easily.
"I'm not very good at keeping secrets, am I?" I ask, completely aware of the irony in my question.
"Yeah, you're pretty bad at it, but it's kind of a Slytherin thing to notice stuff like that, so I wouldn't beat myself up about it if I were you," Theo says. I roll my eyes.
"Yeah that's easy for you to say. You're not the one being read like an open book."
I mean, I can technically read his mind whenever I want, but I would never destroy his trust like that. It's certainly not worth it. If Theo is ever going to betray me...well he wouldn't, so there's no need for me to think about stupid things like that.
"This potion is really good," I marvel, realizing that I just got myself out of a thought spiral before it even started.
"Nice. We ended up making a lot, so that should be more than enough for you. If you sell any of the extra I want a share." Such a cut-throat business man!
"That's fair. I'll let you know if I do," I concede. I have no plans to get rid of any of this, but I won't bring that up unless he specifically asks me about it later. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Wow, this potion really is good. I'm not freaking out about every little future detail!
"What're you grinning about?" Theo looks at me oddly.
"Just thinking about what a great friend I have." It's only half a lie.
….
Now that I have enough calming draught to get me through...a while, I'm trying to get back into the swing of my classes. I feel like I've been away for a long time, even though it's barely been any time at all. Since our disagreement, I've gotten quite good at avoiding avoiding Harry when we have class together, though the first few times I just ran away like a freak.
While my potion has gotten me back to a state of normalcy, there are still moments where my anxiety skyrockets that leave me dazed and frazzled. I'll be busy minding my own business, and someone says something or I think about something I shouldn't be worrying about, and suddenly I feel like I can't breathe and the walls are caving in. Most of the time I can get away with just putting my head down and waiting a minute or two to let it pass, but sometimes I have to take more medicine to get myself calm again.
I feel like this all came on so suddenly- one day I was fine and then suddenly I'm living my whole life differently, but I guess that's what illness is. I often have to remind myself that I am sick, not physically, but that doesn't mean it's not real. When I'm spiraling, I keep thinking that I'm being overdramatic, that I'm making this up, but if it wasn't real I would have control over it, and I clearly don't.
Thinking about how awful I've been feeling lately, I can really sympathize with Ginny. I see her occasionally in the halls, and I find myself checking on her at dinner. As the year has progressed, I've noticed her come to meals less and less. While I haven't actually forgotten what happens to Ginny this year, I haven't really thought of what sort of impact it would have on everyone else in the school.
Of course, at this point, no one knows that Ginny is the one suffering in this situation, but since Colin's petrification things have gotten a lot more intense around here. If I did admit to someone how stressed I am, I probably wouldn't be seen as very strange, considering how panicked everyone is. Speaking of which...
"Oh, Char! Need some protective amulets?" George is standing just outside the doors of the Great Hall with dozens of necklaces hanging from his arms. Fred immediately puts one in my hands.
"They don't actually work, do they?" I ask skeptically as I look at it.
"Of course they do! But if they didn't, wouldn't it still make a nice necklace?" Fred smiles charmingly.
"Ah, no." I dump the fake back into his hand.
"Aww, come on, Char, don't be like that!" Fred whines, following behind me as I enter the hall.
"I'm not gonna buy your stuff when you're selling crap. Give me a good product and I'll pay for it," I sniff.
"Well, someone's being stuck up today."
"Just being honest." I look back at him and stick out my tongue. "I mean, you didn't even offer me a discount." Fred laughs.
"Do you want one?" he asks suddenly.
"Uh, I mean, they look nice and all, but…" I eye one in particular, a red and gold necklace that has just enough elegance to look real amongst the fakes.
"Oh, good eye." He pulls it from the many on his arm and puts the long chain over my head before I can protest. "I knew there was a Gryffindor somewhere in you. Red and gold are the best colors, after all."
"Wait-"
"On the house!" He says over his shoulder as he walks away, never giving me the chance to respond. I consider going after him to give it back, but think better of it. I hold the pendant up and look at it more closely. It's definitely fake, but only because the cut of the stone is too perfect.
"Red and gold are so bold though…" I whisper, trying and failing to convince myself that I don't like it.
I sit down across from Luna, who is staring at me.
"Hi, Luna," I start. Sometimes she has something to say and sometimes she's just staring- better to start the conversation than wait to find out.
"Fred Weasley just gave you an amulet."
"Ah, you saw?" I try not to look too embarrassed. "Wait, how did you know that was Fred?"
"Why wouldn't I?" Luna quirks her head at me.
"Because most people can't tell them apart, especially people who don't know them that well."
"I know them. They're Ron's older brothers. They do a lot of pranks and sell strange things to unsuspecting underclassmen."
"Uh, well yeah, but I meant people who have actually spoken to them."
"We have spoken before," Luna reiterates.
"You have?"
"I bumped George walking down the stairs last month and we both apologized."
"Most people wouldn't consider that enough of an interaction to be on a first name basis," I sigh.
"Oh, should I be calling them the Weasley brothers? I feel like that can be confusing, considering how many brothers there are…"
"So you've never had any trouble differentiating Fred and George? They are identical, you know." I try to reign the conversation back in.
"Well that seems like a rude thing to say. They're very different. Fred likes you. Though now I'm not sure if he should since you don't know who is who."
"Wait, what?" I ask, aghast.
"Well since you can't tell them apart-"
"Fred likes me?" I cut her off, not letting the topic change.
"George likes you too, but Fred really likes you a lot."
"What are you talking about?" My brain is totally not keeping up with this conversation.
"Did you not know? I thought it was fairly obvious."
"You thought it was obvious?" That either means it's clear as day or not even remotely correct. Yeah, that must be it. She must be way off base. "I really doubt it, Luna."
"Was he very worried for your safety then?" She motions to my necklace. I blush furiously. Damn, she's got a point.
"Not particularly…"
"Does it mean I really like you if I protect you from Nargles?" Luna asks innocently, completely changing the tone of the conversation.
"I think so. Though it doesn't have to mean you want to be my girlfriend or anything."
"That's good. I don't think I'm ready to have a girlfriend." I laugh at this. I don't understand how she can be so shrewd and so lost at the same time. Then again, I guess I'm like that too. How did I not notice that Fred has a crush on me?
I look over at the twins, who have sat down to eat, still unsure if Luna was right. Surprisingly, Fred is also looking over at me. We lock eyes for a moment and I look away in embarrassment and surprise. Damn, she probably is...
I find myself wishing that Luna hadn't told me. I don't want to change my relationship with the twins, and there's no way in hell I'm going to date anyone. There's way too much on my plate right now, and even if the changing of future events doesn't really matter, that seems riskier than I'm willing to deal with right now.
Fortunately, acting like I don't know what's going on seems to be my specialty, so I'll just stick with that. Besides, I'm still in a twelve year old body, it's not like dating is really something on anyone's mind yet, for which I am eternally grateful. That is not something my anxiety riddled brain can handle.
….
Over the weekend, I lock myself away to catch up on all the assignments I've been putting off. I'm really struggling to get started on classwork lately and I wonder if my medicine is the culprit. I also note that, fortunately, being busy alone in the Room of Requirement makes it easier for me to take less potion.
Before I know it, the weekend is over, and I have to go back to the land of the living. I don't want to go to class and be surrounded by people! To make myself feel better, I head to the Hospital Wing to get more calming draught at the start of the day. It's been a week since I was there, so I should be able to more. I'm not out yet, but if I continue to go weekly, my reserves will last a lot longer.
"Good morning!" I call as I step into the Hospital Wing, purposely trying to keep Colin out of my field of vision. I can't help but feel guilty every time I see him.
"Oh, Miss Campbell. How can I help you?"
"I, uh, came for more calming draught?"
"Oh!" She sounds both confused and surprised. "I didn't really think you would need more."
"Exams are coming up, and it helps me focus…" I try to come up with a plausible excuse.
"Well, things have been a bit stressful around here lately. I'm going to go have a talk with Dumbledore today. This is not a good learning environment for you children! Something needs to be done," she grumbles as she looks through a cabinet. "Here," she hands me the bottle, "but after your exams I want you to take a nice, relaxing break. You shouldn't need this if you rest."
Rest? Why haven't I thought of that? I think sarcastically. Rest only works if your thoughts aren't sabotaging your every waking moment. Whenever I "rest" without the potion, I just toss and turn and usually cry. It's not very productive.
"Thanks, Madame Pomfrey! I'll definitely do that."
"I know you Ravenclaws, you had better be serious about relaxing!" She calls after me as I leave. I applaud her mentally for knowing that I was lying. It's true that rest isn't much of a Ravenclaw thing to do.
I try not to freak out about one of my sources of medicine drying up, but I'm pretty worried. What am I going to do if I can't get more potion? In a vicious cycle, this problem makes me anxious enough to want to drink more, but I'm afraid to because I know I have a limited supply. This makes me so wound up that it's only with a cry of surprise that I notice Theo standing right in front of me. I'm only a little ways down the hall from the Hospital Wing, and I totally didn't notice him.
"Theo!" I say, not loudly in case anyone else is around that I have failed to notice.
"Charlotte," he says in his usual tone when out in public, distant but polite.
"What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing," he indicates the bottle in my hand, which I have failed to put in my bag.
"Oh, I, well." I reach to open my bag, but he snatches the potion out of my hand before I have the chance to hide the evidence.
"Calming draught?" His voice is chilly with indignation. He looks at me, his expression demanding an explanation.
"What are you even doing here?" I demand back, getting angry.
"You lash out when you're scared". I can hear Theo's voice in my head from a while back, telling me what I already know.
"Waiting to catch you in the act," he answers. I pause, completely taken aback.
"What?"
"I figured out your plan pretty quickly. I didn't want you to have to lie to me if I asked you for the truth, so I thought I would wait for you here."
"What?" I ask, more exasperated than confused.
"Let's go to our usual spot."
"Alright," I acquiesce. He's already caught me, I might as well hear what he has to say.
…
When we sit down on the classroom's stools, I start with the first question that comes to mind.
"How did you know where I was?"
"I asked the Weasley twins," Theo answers simply.
"Huh? You know…?" I don't know how to finish my question.
"Know what?" He looks at me with further suspicion.
"That I'm friends with them?"
"Why wouldn't I?" Theo asks. "Just because you don't tell me something doesn't mean I don't have eyes. I've seen you hang around with them. Was I not supposed to know?"
"Not particularly. I just never mentioned it." I shrug.
"I don't have to be your only friend, you know. You better not be pitying me." His eyes narrow in annoyance. I've never seen him so agitated, not that he doesn't have the right to be. I've been lying to him, taking advantage of him, and now he thinks I'm pitying him.
"I'm not. Really. I just...actually I don't know why I've never talked to you about the twins." That's something to overanalyze another time.
"I'll trust that. For now. Since you haven't actually lied to me yet." Theo is clearly trying not to be angry.
"But wait, how did the twins know where I was?" I'm simultaneously curious and trying to put off the rest of this conversation.
"I don't know. Apparently they know where everyone is. There's a rumor that if you pay them they'll tell you where anyone is at that moment. I've never tried it before, but since you're friends with them I thought it would be worth a try." They must be using the Marauder's Map. Who knew they also had a side hustle using it?
"You paid them?" I ask, marvelling over the fact that this is one of the longest stories I have ever heard Theo tell.
"Yeah, but then they refused to tell me anything until I explained why I was looking for you. They seemed rather protective, actually. It would have been almost cute if it wasn't so annoying. I ended up giving them an over-exaggerated sob story about how I was worried about you."
"You trusted them to keep our secret?"
"It's not exactly a secret that we're friends, just that we hang out as often as we do. Besides, they barely believed me. It took a ton of convincing."
"How did you manage that?"
"It wasn't easy. Anyway, they said they didn't know where you were, but they'd let me know when you were headed to the hospital wing."
"Ugh, so now I have to figure out what I'm going to tell them?"
"Your friends have a right to be worried about you," Theo says shrewdly. I take a moment to process this idea.
"What if I don't want them to?"
"And why not?" Theo has said his piece, now he is waiting for me to share mine. I can feel my hands start to shake violently, and I hold them behind my back.
"I…" I feel very backed into a corner.
"Why are you taking so much calming draught?" He looks so betrayed. "Are you trying to sell it?" Without thinking, I get off my stool and he instantly follows suit. "Do you need money for something?" Theo tries to come up with a reasonable explanation for my behavior and I don't know what to say. "Raven, what's going on?" My legs are barely keeping me up as I try to back away, not necessarily from him, as much as the things he is saying.
"Wait!" I demand, throwing my hands over my ears. "I need to think!" The suffocating feeling is back and I'm struggling to breathe. I close my eyes and try to slow my thoughts. Focus on breathing. Nothing else matters. Focus, focus. My heart is racing- it's so loud I can't hear a thing.
It's only when Theo prys one of my hands away from my ear that I realize he's come over to me. I open my eyes and have to look up to see his face. In my panic I had crouched to the ground, hugging my knees in a vain attempt to bring myself comfort. I hadn't even realized I had moved.
"The medicine is for you…" Theo says. It's not a question anymore. I nod my head and close my eyes again.
"I can't….I just can't." I'm crying now, unsurprisingly. I'm always either panicking or crying, it seems. I vaguely notice that Theo walks away, and a moment later he is pushing my medicine against my shoulder to get my attention.
"I think you need this," he says gently. I take it from him and have a few sips, which helps get my tears under control. "You're not okay," Theo deduces. I shake my head miserably. "I don't really... know what to do…" he eventually admits. I laugh bitterly at this.
"Neither do I."
"If you needed me to brew more of the potion, does that mean you shouldn't be taking this much?" Theo deduces. Ugh, he is way too smart.
"I don't know for sure. I don't think it's bad for me or anything, but I think there are different things that can be done for someone in my situation besides constant calming draughts."
"So Madame Pomfrey wouldn't give you as much as you wanted."
"I...can't get out of bed without it," I admit. Theo pauses.
"It's really that bad?" he asks. I nod, holding up my shaking hands as a sort of proof. In a surprising act for a twelve year old, he takes my hands and holds them in his own. Not in a romantic way, but in a calming way I didn't know I needed. I'm surprised how quickly they still in his gentle grasp. "A little better?" he asks.
"Yeah," I try to smile and Theo smiles back. We sit quietly for a while, giving me time to calm down and let the potion do its work. "What are we going to do?" Theo asks after a while.
"We?"
"Well I can't leave you alone like this. You need help and for some reason you won't talk to anyone about it."
"I-"
"You don't have to explain yourself if you don't want to," Theo intercedes.
"Theo what would I do without you?" My tears start fresh. "How have I not scared you away?"
"Isn't this what friends are for?" He shrugs.
"You're something else, you know that?" I giggle through my tears.
"If you say so." He shrugs again, looking a little embarrassed.
I suddenly wish I could tell him everything. Maybe all I've really needed is a good friend to listen to my problems, but isn't that what grandma is for? Telling her everything hasn't helped. Well, I didn't actually tell her everything that's been going on lately. All I've been doing is lying to everyone.
"I'm so tired of lying."
"Who have you been lying to?" Theo asks. Shit, did I just say that out loud? My hands start to tremble again, despite being held in Theo's, and I pull them away quickly. "Raven?"
"I'm sorry." I stand up and head for the door.
"No, Raven, wait!" Theo shoots up and tries to stop me, but I can't handle being here anymore.
"I'm sorry!" I race out the door and run down the hall. I'm in the dungeons, but I seriously need fresh air. The urge to run outside is so intense that I'm sprinting down the halls with reckless abandon. In fact, it's only when I hit the first floor that I remember that I was supposed to go to class this morning. I'm turning into quite the delinquent.
I burst out into the front courtyard and immediately feel better. I've passed a few students along the way, who definitely gave me some weird looks for running so fast, but I don't care. Now that I'm outside I feel like I can breathe again.
I take some more steadying breaths as I walk around the courtyard. I haven't felt this good in a while, I realize with a start. Despite what just happened, I feel almost normal. I note the slight burn in my muscles and the way my heartbeat doesn't feel so unnaturally fast after running. Maybe if I run some more...
I'm about to test my theory when I spot Draco, who has noticed me just moments before.
"Is that Charlotte Campbell, skipping class? I never thought I'd see the day," he sneers, coming over to me from his perch on the stone wall of the courtyard.
"That's a bit hypocritical, Draco, considering you're here too," I respond. My idea will have to wait for now.
"We didn't have class this morning."
"Oh." So that's why Theo didn't mind talking to me for so long.
"So what are you doing out here? Trying to meet with your secret boyfriend, "Theo"?" Draco makes the nickname sound disgusting.
"Please don't ever say that again. Besides, Nott and I are just friends, despite your odd insistence that there be something more." Draco pauses, looking me up and down more closely than I am comfortable with. "What?" I ask, taking a step back from his oddly penetrating stare.
"Are you alright?"
"What?" I ask again. I expected a lot of things from him, but certainly not this. He takes a step closer to me and smirks.
"Have you two lovebirds been fighting?" I notice that Draco isn't looking so much at me anymore as something over my shoulder.
"Seriously, what is up with you today?" I follow his gaze back to the doors of the school, but there's no one there.
"That wasn't a no."
"Where are you getting this from anyway?" I ask.
"Well, he ran out here to find you, but turned tail and left when he noticed me."
"Wait, what?" I turn back towards the school, but the courtyard is still empty. "You're lying!"
"Am I?"
"Ugh, you're such an arse!" I roll my eyes at him and sprint back the way I came, ignoring whatever Draco says to my back. Not that I have any idea where Theo went. I pause once I'm indoors. What am I even doing? Is Theo really going to be upset because I was talking to Draco? That would be childish, considering...well everything.
My indecision brings back my anxiety, which ironically had abated talking to the little prat outside. Distractions really do help, but I still wonder if running around helped too. I'd love to find out more, but I've skipped enough classes for the day. I need to get to my afternoon classes at some point, I'm sure I'll see Theo again soon.
…
As of the weekend, I've used about a quarter of my reserves of calming draught and I haven't had the chance to talk to Theo. I know the way I'm doing things isn't sustainable- I'm either going to run out of potion and lose my mind, or be so desperate to get more that I do something rash. Neither of these outcomes are pleasurable, so I need to come up with a plan. I can't depend on Theo to be able to make me more forever, even if he understands my situation- eventually Snape will catch on.
After long consideration, I decide to spend my weekend working on a solution. Saturday morning I wake up, purposely skip my morning potion, and try to head to down to breakfast. I'm super proud of myself, even as I'm wringing my hands together to stop them from shaking so much.
When I reach the common room I think I'm fine, until my chest constricts so tightly I find myself gasping for air. Before I pass out, I book it back up the stairs and, because my hands are shaking so badly, open my medicine with my teeth to take a long drink.
"Damnit," I grumble to myself. Even skipping once is out of the question. I was hoping that a large part of my trouble was just having to go to class, but that clearly isn't true. Fortunately, I have a back up plan. I bring my potion with me and head down to breakfast. Once I've eaten, I head up to the Room of Requirement, stopping by to say hello to the Fat Lady first.
"You're up here quite a lot," the Fat Lady points out.
"I like the higher towers, and I'm friends with a lot of Gryffindors."
"I've noticed. You're an odd one, you know that?"
"But at least I'm someone to talk to?"
"I suppose," she agrees.
"I'll talk to you later?"
"You had better!"
I continue on my way, my obligation fulfilled for another week, though I'll probably end up passing by her portrait again sooner. Today, I ask the Room of Requirement for a very small, dark room; a single window would be perfect, with no furniture to distract me except maybe a few pillows. This is exactly what I recieve, and even, per my request, the door disappears as soon as I close it.
While the window keeps me from feeling trapped in the room, the missing door quells any unnecessary anxiety about being walked in on. I know both fears are ridiculous, I'm not trapped, nor is it possible for someone to get in here, but that doesn't stop the thoughts from cropping up and making me panicky.
Once inside, I put my bag to the side and focus on relaxing. I fluff up a few of the pillows on the floor, sitting on the large plush rug I find there, and make myself comfortable. Relaxing is far easier with the potion in my system, meaning this should technically become more difficult the longer I do it.
My plan for the day is simple- I'm going to teach myself to meditate. Grandma gave me the idea in her last letter, actually. We were talking about my thought spirals, how I let myself get sucked into a negative idea and continue following it until I'm an anxious mess, and how being mindful of them could help break the habit, hence meditation! It feels a little bizarre, meditating in Hogwarts, but here I am.
The time spent ends up being long and grueling. Despite the way meditation sounds, it's only nice and calming when you're nice and calm, which I am not. I find myself crying surprisingly often, though I feel marginally better each time I do. There's a lot of bitterness and self-doubt to work through, and my negative thoughts become more difficult to counter the longer I am here.
As the effects of the potion fades, I feel myself start to tremble again. I take a long, steadying breath. There's no need to panic. I'm alone and safe, and I don't have to do anything but sit here.
I try my hardest to hold still, breathing and thinking positively, but eventually I can't stand it. There are so many other things I could be doing right now but I'm stuck here sitting in a dark room doing nothing!
Out of frustration, I hop up and start walking around in circles. I'm pleasantly surprised by how suddenly my anxiety goes down when I get up. It's almost like...I feel better... with activity... I can't believe I forgot about that! I had felt so much better earlier in the week, why didn't I try that first?
I race over to the wall, where the door of the room appears and I throw it open. In the hallway, I run back and forth, thinking about what I want and opening the door again to find a room about the size of a gymnasium. Why should I bother trying to slow down when I can just speed up? My heart, which had been racing with panic, is now racing with adrenaline as I sprint across the track. I feel amazing!
At the far end of the track, I find a broom and grab it, hopping on and flying low, lazy circles around the room. I tried with the meditation, I tried with the potions, I tried talking but this is the best I've felt in over a week. I can still feel my heart racing, my anxiety pulsing through me, but it's pushing me forward now instead of holding me back.
After flying around for a bit, I touch down again and take the freest breath I've taken in a while. I can't help but laugh, now that I feel so light. My heart is racing and for once it feels the way it should.
Marvelling at how good I feel, I wonder if this is what I should have been doing all along. Coping with positive habits instead of getting addicted to medicine. Yeah, this is probably the better option. I don't think this is going to solve all my problems, but it's a start. If I can get myself to feel normal, even for a little bit, maybe there's still hope for me.