A/N: Please feel free to let me know if there are any glaring errors in this chapter. I'm being brave and updating even though this has not been read over by my editor.
Is this a thinly veiled way for me to work through my own emotional problems? Hell yes it is. But I mean, isn't most writing? Anyway, this might be total garbage, but I nearly forgot to post it and just got back from a funeral. Please be at least somewhat kind.
"I'm fighting for my own good," I say, for once feeling sure of myself.
Dumbledore doesn't seem to know what to do with me. Obviously this wasn't what he thought I would say. There's a long pause that I feel the ridiculous need to fill, "That being said, I'm not here to get in the way of 'the greater good'- it can do what it wants, as long as it's not bothering me." The headmaster continues to stare at me, his mouth ever so slightly ajar.
After a long while, he finally says, "If that is how you feel, I will honor your wishes."
"Really?" I perk up, leaning forward in my excitement. This can't be true!
"If-" I sigh deeply. I knew it. "You start taking better care of yourself."
"I told you they were lying!" I argue, against my own better judgement. He'll leave me alone if I stop screwing up, why am I not okay with that? Probably because I'm playing the part of a selfish brat a little too well.
"I find it hard to believe that your classmates would come up with that lie in particular if there was not some grain of truth in it. The best of lies come from a version of the truth, don't you think?" Damn. Well, he's got me there.
"I…Fine. I'll do as you ask," I resign myself to stop arguing.
"I'm glad to hear it." He leans back in his chair and looks over at Fawkes, who is preening himself, completely uninterested in our conversation. "Now, let us discuss your punishment. Just because you have promised to take care of yourself in the future does not condone your mistakes in the past. I think it would be best if you check in with Madame Pomfrey daily and make sure that you spend time with your friends." That obnoxious twinkle in his eye is back. "Also, a month of detention with Hagrid will be good for you, I think. You look like you could use some rock cakes."
"Yes, sir. Is that all?" I can't believe he is basically letting me get away with this. What is his plan here?
"I only wish that you would talk with someone about what is bothering you. Even if things are not turning out the way you had hoped, it is my hope for you that you find the happiness you are looking for."
I am taken aback by the sincerity in his voice, and end up feeling a little guilty.
"I, uh, thank you. I'm sorry for being so hard to deal with before. I've been...worried," I explain vaguely. He deserves at least this much for letting me off the hook.
"It seems that your worries have increased since the last time we spoke," Dumbledore notes. He doesn't mention when that was, but I remember.
"Yeah I haven't been handling the news well," I agree. The last time we spoke was when I went overboard with the calming draught…
The realization smacks me in the face. Oh man, I am such an idiot! Here I am trying to pretend like I'm fine when he was there when I fell apart. He knew from the start what my problem is and I completely forgot! Being so stressed has not been good for my brain, clearly.
"I'm sorry. I'm not very good at any of this." I wave my hand vaguely. I don't know if I'm apologizing to him or myself.
"Good at what?" Dumbledore asks.
"I don't know," I sigh. Talking, lying, life in general? I put my face in my hands and sigh. "Everything?" I add, my voice a bit muffled.
"I can see why you have been enjoying the effects of the calming draughts," he says. I shake my head in embarrassment. I can't believe I forgot that he already knew. "I am sorry for not intervening sooner. If I had seen how much you were suffering..." I lift my head up at this.
"No, I appreciate you letting me make my own mistakes. How else will I learn?" I may not know a lot about what the headmaster is thinking, but I have a sneaking suspicion he let me go with the draught because he wanted to see what I would do with it. I mean, he did admit earlier that he thought I was dangerous.
"That being said, disrupting your dorm mates the way you did is not something I can condone, even if no one was harmed."
"Of course," I agree. "I went too far." Not that I'm going to apologize for it or regret it.
"Thank you for talking to me today, Charlotte. I'm glad to see you open up."
"Well don't get used to it," I say as I stand up and grab my bag. "Once I'm off these calming draughts I'm not going to want to talk to anybody." Part of me wonders why I just made such a sardonic joke about myself, but part of me knows I'm just tired of telling lies. Maybe I can be more honest if I just make everything sound like cruel satire.
"Please take heed of what I told you today. I wish you would talk to me about your concerns, but if not me, than at least lean on your friends. Also," he adds as an afterthought, "for the safety of those around you, you will be moving to a new part of your dorm."
"Oh, yes of course." I make my leave, but not before leaning forward and grabbing a chocolate frog off of the headmaster's desk. I practically run out of the office, refusing to look at Dumbledore. I can't believe I would do something so ridiculous. I blame the potion!
…
Now that I've suffered through that meeting without completely ruining everything, I have to go see Madame Pomfrey. I have so many things to think about I can barely keep my head straight. I idly open my chocolate as I walk and ponder, almost letting the enchanted sweet get away because I'm so unfocused.
So Dumbledore said I was having detention with Hagrid, but Professor Flitwick said I had detention with him. What should I do? Go to both? Or do I assume that they've spoken to one another? Maybe I'll go to Professor Flitwick first since Hagrid will never get mad if I don't show up.
I still can't believe Dumbledore basically let me get away with my prank. Yes, getting detention is a punishment, but I was sure he would use my recklessness as an excuse to get inside my head. He didn't force me to tell him my secrets, even when he had the opportunity. What is his angle?
Well, thinking back on it, in the end he did convince me to talk. Why did I tell him so much? I feel like he did the same thing to me that he did to Draco, or will do, I guess. He knew I was doing something wrong and let me keep doing it in hopes that I would realize my mistake and go to him for help.
Also, what the hell was that exchange with Dumbledore? I know I'm not really a bad person at heart, but could I at least be a bit better at holding myself to one persona? I start out being a bratty teen, then I'm all apologetic, and then I thank him and steal chocolate from him? I must look like I have a mental disorder or something! Maybe I really should stop taking the calming draught...
Well, if I'm going to blame the draught for all of my problems, I need to get serious about not taking it anymore, but if I do, what kind of repercussions will I have to deal with? Fortunately, for whatever reason, my adult brain has some knowledge on medication and how to take it, and one of the things I very clearly know not to do is to quit cold turkey.
I can't just stop taking the potion all together, with how dependent I've become on it. If I stop taking it with no warning to my mind or body, who knows what will happen to me? Maybe I should tell Madame Pomfrey all this, so she can help me stop taking it. If I'm not careful, she might take the potion from me immediately and I would definitely suffer.
I make it to The Hospital Wing a little less burdened by my thoughts; sometimes a short walk is all it takes to get my head on straight.
"Madame Pomfrey?" I call as I walk in.
"Oh, good evening, Charlotte," she says, ushering me over to her desk. "Did Professor Dumbledore give you a stern talking to? What you did to those girls was not kind. I had to give them almost an entire bottle of calming draught to get them over their hysterics!" The irony of this is not lost on me.
"Yes, m'am. I went too far." Still not apologizing.
"Good. Now that that's out of the way." She bids me sit down on a cot and she starts doing a general checkup as she speaks. "Everyone is worried about you. What's been going on?"
"I don't know what everyone is concerned about," I find myself lying. Am I good at lying or bad at it!? Why do I always lie when I don't want to, but tell the truth at the worst moments?
"I'm surprised to hear you say that. It seems that Professor Dumbledore was quite sure that you were having an issue. I don't know why you wouldn't tell me about it." I can clearly hear the agitation underlying her kind words. I sigh deeply. Now is as good a time to come clean as any, I suppose.
"I-"
"Well if you're not going to tell me, I'll find the answer for myself." With no further preamble, she grabs my bag beside me and quickly finds the bottle of calming draught.
"Wait! I can explain!" I'm trying to explain!
"You had your opportunity, multiple times, Charlotte. You should have come to me if you were having an issue with your potion! I gave this to you thinking you were a strong young woman and you could handle the responsibility, but if you couldn't you should have said so!"
Damn, Madame Pomfrey, that was harsh. Tears spring to my eyes, unbidden. Have I ever mentioned that I hate being a disappointment?
"Charlotte the time for apologies and tears has passed. You need to understand that your actions have consequences! It's unfair to your classmates that you get the upper hand on tests due to a potion that I gave you. In fact, some might even consider it cheating."
I freeze at this. What is she implying?
"Now, I'm sure you'll need to talk to Professor Flitwick about it, but he is within his rights to say that you were cheating on your exams."
You have got to be kidding me. I wasn't doping on hard drugs! They are blowing this way out of proportion! Is she for real or is this just to make me feel more guilty? And is seems again Dumbledore told his staff half truths. Instead of telling Madame Pomfrey that I'm emotionally compromised and (probably?) addicted to this potion, he told her that I was using it for exam stress. Isn't that a normal reason to use it though? Surely there must be some kid here with test anxiety doing the same thing.
"That isn't really cheating, is it? Isn't that what the potion is for?" I wrap my mind around the situation enough ask.
"You were using it outside of my recommendations. I think it could be said that you were abusing it to get better grades," she says seriously. I stare at her hard, trying to read into what she is saying and how. Unfortunately, I'm not enough of a people person to figure her out. I don't have that magical Slytherin quality I so envy of understanding someone else's motivations better than they do.
"So I should talk to Professor Flitwick?" I decide my best course of action is to be suitably afraid, but I'm not going to break down and cry-yet.
"I think that is best. In the meantime, obviously no more of this." She holds up the potion before sending it away with her wand to her locked potions cabinet.
"But, Madame Pomfrey-"
"No buts! Go speak to Professor Flitwick- it's getting late. We will talk again tomorrow about how you are doing."
I sigh deeply. She's not going to listen to me tonight, but at least she might tomorrow. Despite my best efforts, that was unfortunately my last bottle of potion, but I should be able to make it through. Hopefully.
"I'm sorry for all the trouble," I say as I stand up.
"I'm glad you've realized you have realized your mistake. Don't worry, tomorrow we'll talk about some ways to help you relax on your tests."
"Right," I manage to mumble as I leave.
I head to Professor Flitwick's office, trying to swallow down my rising panic. I can handle a day without. It's no big deal. I've been taking less lately anyway, and I've gotten a better handle on myself as of late. So why am I freaking out now?
I find myself outside of the door to my Head of House's office. I should knock. I should go in and have this conversation. So why am I not doing that? Dumbledore said he would leave me alone if I took care of myself, and talking to people is definitely a part of that.
I raise my arm to knock on the door, and I notice that it's shaking so hard I can barely keep it straight. I grab my shaking hand by the wrist, trying to hold it steady as I move it closer to the door. This should not be this difficult! My agitation with myself is unfortunately not enough to hold me together; I try for another few moments to knock on the door, but with an exasperated sigh, I let my arms drop.
What am I going to do now? My fear tells me to run as far as I can, far enough that I won't have to deal with anyone ever again, but the responsible part of me doesn't want to leave until I've done what I came here to do. For agonizing minutes, I remain stuck, my anxiety rendering me frozen as well as any body-binding curse.
Eventually I let myself fall to my knees, and it's only as I do that I realize how badly my legs had been shaking. How had I been holding myself up? I put my head in my hands, tears coming freely as I fall apart.
What have I been doing all this time? I'm alone when I clearly shouldn't be. Instead of letting people in I pushed them all away. I could have told my parents what was going on when they were worried, but instead I told them lies. Grandma is the only person in the world who really knows me and I lied to her face, and, despite the facade I put on, I've never really let my friends close. I haven't realized until this moment how alone I've really made myself.
I'm completely alone in the world and it's all my fault.
…
In the end, I don't talk to Professor Flitwick. After a while, I manage to pick myself up off the floor and wander down the hall. For a while I'm aimless, watching the portraits as most of them sleep. A few of them are still awake, and they give me odd looks as I pass by. It must be past curfew, but I have no interest in finding out the time.
It's far too late to try to sneak back into the Ravenclaw dorm, nor do I care to. I know I should go to the Room of Requirement and go to bed, but I can't really be bothered to do that either. My indecision leaves me wandering the halls, the rules be damned, feeling like one of the many ghosts who haunt them.
My focus on my surroundings comes and goes. It almost feels like apparating- one blink leaves me on the fourth floor, and when I'm cognizant again I'm on the first. I go wherever my feet take me, my mind a miserable blank.
At one point, I have no idea where I am, and I hear someone coming towards me from the other end of the hall. My bleary thoughts are quickly cast aside as my heart rate picks up; it could be Filch. I dive for the closest door, which is fortunately unlocked, and I close it as quietly as I can behind me.
While I wait for the footsteps to pass, I pull out my wand and mutter the disillusionment charm. I step away from the door and see in the dim moonlight that I'm in a classroom. It doesn't look familiar to me in the dark.
With bated breath, I wait for whoever it is to leave, finally feeling some regret for what an idiot I've been all night. What the hell have I been thinking? Well there's an easy answer for that, clearly I haven't been.
Fortunately, the steps never falter, and though it feels long, they pass quickly. I heave a sigh of relief. I'll give it another minute and then I'll head up to the seventh floor. I'll just sit down to wait…
I open my eyes to find myself in a familiar classroom. Did I fall asleep during Charms? Ugh, my back hurts so bad. I move to get up and realize that I'm on the floor instead of my desk. Wait. In a rush, I remember what happened last night and how I ended up here. From the windows I can see that the sun has barely started it's ascent, the day having not quite begun yet. I've gotta get out of here.
I can feel my heart ramming in my chest and my breathing quicken, but this is no time to panic. I finish picking myself up and head for the door, but as I'm reaching for the handle I realize my mistake.
"Right, disillusionment charm first." I cast the spell quickly and shove my wand back in my pocket before opening the door slowly.
Poking my head out, it doesn't seem like anyone is around. What a lucky break! Before anyone does come around, I let myself out, shutting the door quietly behind me before speed walking away. Looking back at the door in confusion, I wonder how I could be unlucky enough to choose the Charms classroom, of all the rooms in the castle. Unfortunately, this wandering gaze is what allows me to run straight into Professor Flitwick, presumably on his way to his classroom.
"Oww!" I groan involuntarily, rubbing my shin where the professor accidentally slammed me. It takes me a moment to realize what's happened and my blood runs cold. The disillusionment charm doesn't work if I draw direct attention to myself, like by running into someone. I really am dreadfully unlucky.
"Oh, Miss Campbell! There you are. Where were you last night? I was expecting you."
"I-I'm really sorry, Professor. I was just stopping by your classroom but you weren't there. I know it's really early but I wanted to catch you before classes started. It was pretty late last night after talking to Madame Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore so I thought it would be better if we spoke this morning." Not the worst lie, if a bit overzealous in my explanation.
"I see. Well, you should have come to me anyway. I waited quite a while for you. You're lucky that I'm here so early, I was just grabbing something before heading down to breakfast."
"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to inconvenience you." A genuine apology. He squints up at me for a few moments.
"Are you alright? You seem quite disheveled."
I look down at myself, noting my harried appearance. My robes are wrinkled (and presumably smell), and I'm sure my face and hair look terrible from lack of sleep and tending. I run my fingers through my hair nervously.
"I didn't sleep well," I say lamely.
"Why don't we go to the classroom to talk." Professor Flitwick leads the way, opening his classroom door and ushering me inside. I follow suit, continuing to try to fix my hair in earnest. "Sit, sit." He motions for the desk closest to his own and I oblige. "Miss Campbell, I'm going to be perfectly honest with you." I swallow nervously. I have vague memories of Professor Flitwick losing his patience, and it wasn't pretty. "Your grades are phenomenal. You used to the be the top of your class, but your grades have dropped ever so slightly since then. I'm sorry that you felt that you were unable to keep that position."
My eyes widen in shock, and I must be making an obvious facial expression because he continues, "Don't think you're not the first Ravenclaw to have done this. I've been teaching a long time, and many a student has passed through our house. I know the brightest one in the room, and sometimes the top of the class is too much of a spotlight for them. We may a house of eccentric and wise students, but we have held our fair share of bullies as well. Your story, while your own and just as unfair, is not an uncommon one.
That being said, it is the job of adults to help you through situations like these. I wish you did not feel the need to take this situation into your own hands. The reason we have been so upset with you is because we are disappointed that you did not feel like you could come to us with your problems. Your health is declining and your classmates have been attacked and nothing has been fixed. You can't do this all on your own. Professor Dumbledore was hoping you would come to these conclusions on your own and asked us not to talk to you, but I think things have gone far enough, don't you?"
A small part of me still wants to argue with him about the "declining health" thing, but I really can't be bothered. He might not be perfectly right on that, but my mental health is declining enough that he's also not technically wrong.
The rest of me is mortified that I've been so easily read. No wonder Professor Flitwick was mad before, I lied right to his face and he knew it. Man, if it ever gets out somehow that I'm actually an adult I think it would be the most humiliating day of my life. Everyone would look at me and say, "Really? No way. She's the most immature, incapable girl I know".
I think I'm too exhausted to cry anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't feel miserable. What am I supposed to say to this revelation from my well meaning professor?
"I'm sorry," I whisper uselessly.
"We just want to help you," he sighs.
"I don't know if I can be helped."
"Everyone needs help sometimes, even adults like me, and everyone can get help. All they have to do is ask," he reaches a hand towards me, and suddenly it feels like my chest is being crushed in a vice. I jump out of my seat, my breathing shallow and way too fast.
"I'm sorry, Professor. I can't. I just...I can't do this right now!" I'm up and stepping away from him before I even really know what I'm doing.
"Charlotte, wait!" He tries to get up to follow me, but my height gives me so much advantage that I've bolted out of the room before he has even gotten around his desk.
I feel like I've played out this scene more times than I should recently. Someone trying to help me, me, being unable handle it, running from their help. Why am I constantly pushing everyone away? Because I know a truth that no one else does- I really can't be helped. My problems are impossible for anyone else to understand.
I run upstairs, not giving anyone or anything a second glance. Fortunately it's early enough that I don't pass many people. By the time I make it to The Room of Requirement I'm winded, which helps me feel slightly less panicked, like I've managed to outrun some of my demons.
I stand outside my sanctuary and wonder what I need. Maybe the room will know better than I? I pace back and forth, letting my mind wander over my anxiety from the past few days. After my third pass, the door appears as I hoped. With a deep breath, I open the door and find myself...outside?
I blink a few times and peek my head "inside" the room, leaving my feet planted firmly in the corridor. The outside world before me is a wooded meadow, with a small creek flowing through it. It looks perfectly inviting. I crane my head to look at the door on this side and see that it is situated in the middle of nowhere, as if it wasn't connected to anything at all. Pulling my head back over my feet, I shrug and decide it seems safe enough. I close the door behind me as I step into the meadow.
Outside, the sun is shining and the temperature feels just right. I take off my shoes and socks to feel the soft grass between my toes and sigh happily. This is exactly what I needed. I walk over to the creek and sit beside it, putting my feet in the water and splashing them around playfully.
I know I'm a witch and I've been raised with magic all around me, but sometimes I forget that magic can be so...magical. Of course The Room of Requirement could make an outside room for me. Sometimes it seems the only thing hindering me in this world is my own creativity.
I sigh again, letting my thoughts wander back to what's actually bothering me. I don't really feel lonely, but that doesn't mean I'm not alone. I have to figure out how to lean on others, even if they don't really understand what I'm going through.
I can't help but roll my eyes at myself at that last thought. That isn't even true and I fucking know it. Grandma knows everything about me and I haven't been able to tell her a thing about what I'm going through. I'm a pathological liar at this point, and I refuse to let anyone help me for no real reason. What is my problem anyway?
I lay back on the grass and throw a hand over my eyes in exasperation. Looking back on it, it seems like my real problem is that I don't want any help. Every time someone offers, I panic and run away. What am I so afraid of? Letting them in? Letting them see who I really am? I don't have to tell people my secret to accept their help. But do I deserve it?
"Oh," I say to no one. That's it. The reason I won't let anyone in, why I won't accept their help. I don't think I deserve it. Tears spring to my eyes unbidden, and I realize that I've hit the nail on the head perfectly. I don't deserve anyone's help. I can't save this alternate timeline and I can't save myself. It's not fair for me to lean on other people when I don't even belong here!
Safely hidden in my meadow, I finally take the time to do what I've been putting off and holding back for weeks now- I cry. I have no idea how long I sit there, my feet dangling in the cool water, sobbing. It feels so cathartic, to finally realize why I've been so unhappy and to face it head on, even if facing it just means crying my eyes out. Honestly, a part of me knew what was plaguing me, but I hadn't taken the time to really understand what I was experiencing. Now I know and I can finally take care of it.
Ugh I wish I was a Slytherin and didn't need to freak out for weeks to realize what my problem is! Maybe if I wasn't so afraid of being near anyone, Theo could have figured this out for me. Actually, knowing Theo, he probably already had an idea of what's going on with me. It seems like everyone has a read on me these days but me.
That's a more legitimate concern of mine, that I'm an open book and don't know how to fix it. Maybe I can talk to Theo about that too. He's so good at hiding his true feelings, it'd be nice if he could teach me a thing or two.
Between the sun, the gentle breeze, and the quiet trickle of the creek, it's not surprising that I fall asleep. When I wake up, I feel refreshed and well rested- something I haven't truly felt for a while. I know I haven't actually solved anything- at all- but just realizing what my problems are is a large part of the battle. Who knew that I would have to deal with battling myself long before the war begins?