Sorry, guys. I totally dropped the ball on this one. My word count is low and I didn't have internet yesterday so I couldn't upload on time. I'm so not confident in my writing, but I hope you like it?
I'm gonna try my hardest to keep my schedule through May, but this month is going to be so crazy writing is definitely going to be put on the back burner. Wish me luck! Maybe some loving comments will convince me it's worth a sleepless night or two. ;)
EDIT: Wow, super embarrassed. Thanks to Marie-S-Raven for calling me out on my mistake. Char and Luna are NOT in the same class. Had to do some reworking to keep the scene while holding up the integrity of my own story. Geez~ Not really worth a re-read if you've already seen the chapter, but I did change the ending line ;)
After what feels like my millionth breakdown, I feel like I'm finally ready to figure out what my next steps are. I have to start letting people in (which doesn't necessarily mean telling them my life's story) so that I can lean on others when things get hard. I don't trust Dumbledore, and that's fine, but I should still take his advice and not try to do everything on my own.
I think my first step will be to talk to Theo, he'll know what to do to help me make things right with everyone.
…
It's lunch time (I've skipped more classes than I want to think about) and I sent a note to Theo via Tally to meet me at our usual spot. I wait patiently in the empty potions classroom, forgoing lunch to avoid missing my friend. Fortunately, I don't have to sulk with my own thoughts too long before he arrives.
"You missed class again," he says, closing the door behind him. I can't bring myself to really look at him.
"Good afternoon to you too."
"You also missed lunch," he pauses and looks me up and down, "and you look awful."
"I'm touched by your kind concern. Were you really worried?" I ask, all sarcasm.
"Yes. Where have you been?" I blink. I didn't expect such a straightforward answer.
"Oh, I've been around," I lie airly. Wait, why am I lying again? The whole point of this was to be more honest!
"What is with you?" I finally manage to look him in the eye, and the betrayal I see there is so poignant I immediately look away.
"What do you mean?" I ask the ground.
"I mean- you know what? Forget it. If you don't want to talk about it it's not my business." I can feel the ice cold wall that Theo usually puts up around people being built between the two of us. If I don't salvage this now I'm going to lose him.
"I do want to talk about it," I whisper.
"What?"
"I'm sorry! I keep pushing you away and I don't mean to! I don't want to," I finally blurt out.
"Is that why you ran away the last time we talked? You said something about lying and then you bolted. I thought you said you wouldn't lie to me. I haven't been lying to you." Theo's unhappy face suddenly reminds me of something.
"Draco said that you've been upset lately. Were you mad because I said that?"
"You believed what Malfoy told you?"
"He seemed worried about us, actually." I can't help but giggle at the memory. "He said he was worried about you falling in with the wrong crowd."
"That's what he's been saying since the start of the year. I wish he would mind his own business." Theo rolls his eyes and I feel the icy wall start to thaw again.
"It's kind of cute though, don't you think? He almost sees you as a friend."
"I wish he wouldn't see me at all. He can be such a pain in the arse."
"Oh, I get that. Trust me." There's a long, awkward pause as we realize we have fallen into our old routines. I'm glad, but I shouldn't let myself off the hook too easily. We need to talk this out. "You can still trust me, you know."
"Can I? You can't even seem to decide if we're friends or not." Apparently Theo hasn't let me off the hook either.
"That's not true!" I nearly shout. I forcibly bring my voice down and take a deep breath. "That's not true. I am your friend. Really. I've just," I sigh, "I've been really stubborn and thought I could handle everything by myself, but I can't. I need your help. You're my best friend and I should rely on you when I'm struggling. I'm sorry for not coming to you and being more honest sooner."
Theo is clearly taken aback by my forwardness. I can't blame him- it's a little weird, but I don't really know how else to stop myself from being the pathological liar I've grown into. Now that it's all out in the open, I can't go back and try to say something stupid that I'll instantly regret.
"You asked me for help before, you know. So why have you avoided me since then?"
"Avoided you?" I ask, confused.
"You've been skipping class, meals, any chance you could see me, you made sure to steer clear. I'm not an idiot, you know." He crosses his arms over his chest, and despite the grownup conversation, the gesture reminds me of just how young he is.
"Oh." Shit. I was so wrapped up in myself I never considered poor Theo and his feelings. It's obvious looking back that he would construe my absence as evidence of my betrayal. "I really wasn't trying to avoid you." I make sure I'm looking him in the eye as I say this. "Honestly, Theo. This hasn't been about you, and I'm sorry for letting you believe it was."
He looks away, and I can tell he is still a little abashed by my forwardness. Kids at this age aren't usually so understanding of their own emotions or the emotions of others to have such a clear conversation. Plus, this isn't a very Slytherin thing to do.
"Really?" he finally asks. "You're really not avoiding me?"
"Really. I've just been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it, so I've been hiding myself away until I felt better."
"Do you feel better?" he asks, finally coming over to sit on one of the stools.
"I feel better seeing you." I blush at this and Theo looks mildly perplexed. I didn't mean for that to sound so romantic! "Geez, it almost sounds like I have a crush on you or something. Sorry, didn't mean to make things any more awkward. I don't have a crush on you. You're just my best friend, and I missed hanging out with you. I'm babbling aren't I?" Theo smirks and holds two fingers up in a pinching gesture.
"Just a little bit." I push him playfully and he laughs. There's a long pause as I build up the courage to say what I came here to, but it doesn't feel as awkward as before.
"I want to tell you what's been going on lately. I want to be a better friend, and I feel like keeping stuff from you isn't the way to do it. That being said...I don't want you to have to take on all my burdens."
"Isn't that what being friends is all about?" he asks. I give him a confused look in response. "You're the one who taught me that, remember? Friends help each other. Not for the reward, but because that's what friends are for. If you can't lean on your friends, who can you turn to for help?"
"I taught you that?"
"Are you such a bad listener that you don't even listen to yourself when you speak? We need to get more serious about those etiquette classes," he admonishes.
"Hey, no fair! I've been out of sorts lately."
"Clearly," he teases.
"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. I deserve it." He smirks and I laugh.
"So are you finally going to tell me your secret?" he asks, only half joking, I think.
"Nah, not today. Today I'm going to tell you what's been going on lately. I think you at least deserve that much," I answer, only half joking myself. I'm testing out my new idea of telling the truth in the way that sounds like I'm joking, to make myself feel better and to help me avoid lying so darn much.
"Okay," Theo shrugs. "Whatever you want." Well that worked out well.
"So here's what's been happening..."
I go on to tell Theo about what's been going on with my old dorm mates. How I've been struggling with anxiety attacks and going to class properly. My very successful prank and the very anticipated fallout. The fiasco with Madame Pomfrey and how I have to go talk to her tomorrow. How I'm unsure when I have detention or who with but I'm too anxious to find out.
I leave out details, some more important than others. The Room of Requirement is too powerful to be unveiled to anyone. My big secret still remains.
"And I came to you for help before, but I thought I could handle the emotional stuff by myself. But what I've really been doing is keeping my distance from you and making us both unhappy. I want to hang out with you and tell you about how I'm feeling. But I also don't want to just complain all the time."
Theo pauses for a long while, taking in everything that I've said.
Finally, he says, "Well, if you're worried about annoying me, just remember that Malfoy apparently thinks we're friends, and he complains more in a day than you will in your entire life."
"So at least I'm not as annoying as him?" I ask, a little peeved. Theo shrugs.
"I'm just saying."
"So I am annoying you?"
"No, not really. Malfoy is annoying. You…" he shrugs again, "I kind of like listening to you."
"Thanks."
"Not sure why you're thanking me."
"Just accept it." He looks confused, but doesn't push me. "So now what?" I ask. "What should I do?"
"Talk to Professor Flitwick, obviously."
"But I don't want to!"
"Why not take Lovegood with you? You two are friends." We don't bring up the fact that he obviously can't be the one who joins me.
"That's...actually not a bad idea!" I perk up.
"Have I been known to have bad ideas?" He looks miffed.
"No! I'm just not used to having help. I don't always come up with the best plans," I rub the back of my head sheepishly.
"I understand why you didn't ask me before. I used to the feel the same way about you, and I do about most other people. I don't ask for help unless I'm willing to owe someone else a favor, which isn't likely."
"Thanks for putting so much faith in me." I smile.
"I should be the one thanking you. I never thought I would get to have a real best friend." He gives me one of his rare smiles back.
This life hasn't always been easy and sometimes I worry if I am doing the right thing, but hearing Theo say that and seeing him smile, I think it's all going to be worth it.
….
Theo and I go our separate ways, but only after he forces me into a promise that I'll start going to class again. I swear that I'll try, and he is happy enough with that. I should have just enough time to run to my dorm and take a shower before heading to class; I've been completely ignoring hygiene for the last day or so, as Theo so aptly pointed out.
As I make my way to the dorms, I realize I don't know where my things are anymore, since Dumbledore said I was being moved to another bed. I guess I'll figure it out? When I get there, after answering a rather strange riddle about flobberworms, I find myself standing awkwardly in front of my, now empty, bed. Fortunately, I am only left floundering for a few moments before a familiar house elf appears before me with a loud pop.
"G-good afternoon, Miss Charlotte. I'm here to lead you to your new bed," Tippy says, bowing low and refusing to look me in the eye.
"Oh, thank you! I was wondering what I was supposed to do." Tippy turns bright red at my thanks.
"Is my pleasure, Miss Charlotte! You is always so kind!" She quickly scampers down from the bed and grabs my hand, leading me deeper into the maze of beds and doors that is the girl's second year dorm area. Soon we're standing in front of my trunk, with my Death Star keychain that occasionally catches the eye of some excitable nerd, and helps differentiate it from the sea of identical trunks it will inevitably be a part of at the end of the year.
Tippy beams up at me, clearly satisfied with herself. "Here! Need more help, Miss Charlotte?" Instead of a verbal answer, my stomach audibly growls. I throw my hand over it in embarrassment. "Miss Charlotte is hungry! Tippy will be right back!" With another pop, she is gone. I don't know if I would have thought to ask her for food, but I'm glad my stomach did. Now I should be able to go to class without starving before dinner comes around.
As I wait for Tippy's return, I notice something on my new bed: a small pile of letters. Looking through them, they're all from Mum and Grandma, sent over the last week. The last one I read from Grandma was about meditation, and that one was a few days old when I got around to it. I never responded to it either.
Thinking back on how many meals I've skipped, it's not surprising that I've missed a few letters. I wonder how they got here though. That's definitely one of the mechanics of the school that wasn't discussed in the series, the most obvious reason being that it is wildly unimportant.
The other odd thing is that I received some of these letters already. I admit that they have laid in my trunk unopened, but I did get them. I would never throw them away, but I have not had the emotional wherewithal to read or answer them. The last thing I wrote was a pile of lies, and I can't bring myself to continue doing that, or, even worse, to read about how proud they are of me for handling myself so well.
No, my recent letters have remained untouched. I'm surprised this hasn't led to a brigade of aurors bursting into the school demanding to know if I am alright, but so far I have not received anything other than the usual type and amount of correspondence. I haven't even had the energy to feel guilty about it, but now that the pile is sitting here in front of me, I finally do.
Since I'm going to be bored in class anyway, I grab the letters and shove them in my bag, just as Tippy reappears with a lovely looking lunch. Feeling slightly less guilty now that I've resolved to do the right thing, I eat with renewed vigor.
…
After a quick, late lunch, I head down to class. I still have no idea if anyone else knows that I was the culprit of the "fire" in our dorms, but fortunately I didn't see anyone in the dorms, so I didn't have to deal with that problem just yet.
I'm surprised to run in to Luna as I'm headed to class, so I call out to her.
"Good afternoon," I greet.
"Hi, Charlotte! I was worried about you." What is with everyone always worrying about me? I'm trying not to exist here and for some reason I feel like there is a bright red bullseye painted on my back.
Seeing the letters from Grandma poking out of my bag, I can practically hear her voice in my head, admonishing me for not being more open with others. It's okay that people are worried about you- that means they care, silly girl!
"What are you talking about, Luna? Why were you worried?" I ask, ignoring those thoughts for a moment.
"I thought maybe the Nargles were bothering you. After the fire I assumed there was an infiltration in our dorms."
"Nargles start fires?" I ask.
"If there are enough of them," she says vaguely. I blink and nod, keeping that information safely tucked away for a later date. I'm still not entirely sure if Nargles are real, but I'm keeping myself open to the possibility, and if they set fires…
"Sorry for making you worry," I sigh, now that my curiosity has been sated.
"Were the nargles really bothering you?" She seems both excited and concerned.
"No!" I say far too emphatically. I try again, "I mean, no, I've just been dealing with some stuff. Nothing magical creature related, I'm afraid."
I expect her to look disappointed, but instead she just looks sad.
"I'm sorry," she says solemnly.
"Oh, um, there's no reason to apologize, really. It's my fault anyway," I explain awkwardly. She leans over to me as we walk, practically right in my face as she looks at my ears. "Luna?"
"I'm checking for Wrackspurts."
"Why?"
"Wrackspurts make your head all fuzzy and confused. They go in through the ears."
"Didn't you say those were invisible?" I recall.
"There can be some evidence of them if you know how to look." She grabs the side of my ear and pulls gently, but I swat her hand away before this gets any more ridiculous; some of the other students in the hall are staring at us more than usual. It's not worth trying to point out to her that her behaviour is strange, that would be like trying to tell a dog that it's too excited.
"Why do you think there are wrackspurts in my head?" She reaches for my other ear and I lean my head away, just barely keeping her at bay.
"You're saying that things are your fault when they're not." She stops trying to examine me and takes a step back, either sated or tired of trying.
"But Luna, I never said what I was talking about." We both stop outside her classroom door.
"You don't have to blame yourself for everything." She looks somewhere over my shoulder at the wall. "You can't always be wrong, even if you think you are." She looks back at me. "I'll see you at dinner?"
"Yeah, of course." She heads into her class, leaving my head spinning.
...
My afternoon class is Defense, a good one to ease myself back into the habit of being a good student. Not that I'm actually a good student, but I can at least look like I care about what the professor is saying. This class is also with the puffs, so I don't have to worry about anyone plot relevant giving me a hard time.
I walk in a few minutes early, when most of the rest of the class is also arriving. At first, I spend my class time spacing out, thinking about what Luna said. How did she know I've been blaming myself for everything? I mean, everything that has happened to me lately has been my fault...right? I was the one who pranked my classmates and who has been freaking out about life in general. That wasn't anyone else's fault but my own.
With all the thinking I've been doing, I'm actually surprised how calm I've been considering that I haven't had any draught all day. In fact, I had almost forgotten about it until now. I look down at my gently trembling hands. Have they been doing that all day? Have I gotten so used to this underlying feeling of anxiety that I don't even notice it anymore?
I shake my head roughly, as if that can loosen these thoughts that have such a stranglehold on my mind. Disappointingly but unsurprisingly, it doesn't work. Instead, I snatch up the oldest letter in my pile, from Mum, and hope that it will distract me.
It doesn't.
Instead, it's exactly as bad as I was hoping it wouldn't be. Mum tells me how proud she is of me (she shouldn't be), how much she worries about me (I don't deserve it), and how glad she is that I talked to her (all I've done since then is lie). I shouldn't have read this during class. I'm constantly having to pause to wipe my eyes so know one notices the tears traitorously spilling from them.
I force myself to read the whole thing, out of some masochistic need to make myself feel even more guilty for my behaviour. And before I can stop myself, I'm opening the next one. This one is from Grandma, saying almost the same things. To add to my layers of guilt, this one makes me feel even worse because it's Grandma saying it.
The following letters from Mum ask after my well being, and grow increasingly concerned by my lack of reply. Since we usually write every day or so, just a week is quite a few letters. By the last letter she is openly asking if she should return for another visit. I think if I wait any longer it will no longer be a question.
I can't bring myself to answer her right now, but I will. I resolve to at least do that much. She deserves something from her ungrateful child.
While Mum's letters gain a pleading edge to them over time, Grandma gets more righteously angry. At first she is mildly concerned, saying what she usually does about how I need to take care of myself; the letter from today, however, is outright reproachful.
Charlotte,
Your parents and I haven't heard from you in quite a while. I know you've been going through a lot, but it isn't fair to shut us out. You should be turning to your family when you are having a hard time, not pushing us away. It also sounds like you are not leaning on your friends either. They don't have to understand every detail of your pain to help you overcome it. Please, if not with me, talk to someone.
Where did all that growth go that you were showing me last year? You were so open with your friends then. I know they hurt you, but you also have some good friends now that you can trust, right? I understand that this was a huge setback for you, but the world hasn't come crashing down just yet- don't give up too soon.
Something I noticed the last time that we talked is that you are very close to completely blaming yourself for what has been happening as of late. Not only is this untrue, it is very damaging to your psyche. You have to let go of your guilt, sweetie. Don't let it consume you. Sometimes the fight for your happiness is closer to home than expected.
How did the meditation go? Maybe you have just been too caught up in it to write back, though I admit I am skeptical of that. I wish you nothing but the best.
Much love, as always, Grandma
I reread the letter over and over, until I'm not reading anymore but just staring at it as I think. Yet again, Grandma proves that she just might be the best legilimens who ever lived, reading my mind from a different country. How does she always see right through me, when I haven't even kept in contact with her?
Again, I'm left with that naked feeling that maybe everyone can see right through my shoddy facades and I'm just making a fool of myself. Maybe they all know what I'm so afraid of. I mean, it's obvious isn't it? Maybe that's why I'm the only person who can't seem to see me clearly- I spend all my time trying to obscure the truth from myself.
All this time I've been winding myself up about quidditch and my dorm mates and detentions, but really I've been trying to distract myself from the thing that started all this mess: I think it's my fault that the future has probably changed, and I'm petrified of it.
I'm scared of the future.
I can't even guarantee that this changed timeline has a different future (or a future different enough for me to notice) but the fact that it can be different was enough to completely throw me from the precarious balance I had managed to maintain between knowing the future and not driving myself crazy with the knowledge. Now that I might not know, I've made myself mental by blaming myself for everything.
But maybe this isn't about placing blame. Maybe Luna was trying to say something I haven't realized all this time: the way I feel isn't anyone's fault, not even my own, it just is. My feelings don't have to have a culprit behind them, I don't have to feel guilty that I'm feeling unhappy. Feelings should just be.
Yes, my reactions to my feelings and the world around me are mine to control, and I have to take responsibility for my actions, but Grandma has a point, that doesn't mean I have to panic and let my guilt determine everything I do and feel. I'm allowed to let my guilt go, just like I don't have to be scared every minute of every day.
I continue to think over what Grandma has been saying, trying to really take it to heart. Maybe, if I can do that, I won't feel so miserable all the time.
By the end of class, I've thought myself into oblivion, but I feel like some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It'll take me a little while to be back to my old self, I'm sure, but if I can continue to remind myself that this isn't my fault, I'll get there. I may be afraid of the future, but that doesn't have to control me. And maybe, one day, I won't be so scared.
My smile is genuine when I meet Luna at dinner and say, "I think the wrackspurts are gone." She looks me up and down for a moment and smiles back.
"I think so too...but I can check your ears again later to make sure."
My laughter is so loud it startles half the Ravenclaw table and, for once, I don't even care.