I finished early! Go me! I'm going to super busy all this weekend for Megacon, so I knew I would either have to get this out early or it would be really, really late. That being said, it is a good chapter? I don't know. I'm very impressed no one has complained that the plot is moving too slowly, so I'm going to take that as a compliment that the pacing hasn't been overly dull for you guys? I admit this fic did not end up being as action packed as I anticipated, but that's hopefully going to pick up soon?
Anyway, if characterization seems off, please feel free to lmk with some constructive criticism, but hopefully it's not too bad and I'll just take the creative liberty that a different timeline means there can be some changes in personalities. ;P
I don't have an editor anymore, so please hmu if there are any glaring errors that need fixing. I really appreciate you guys for being so understanding. I'm graduating from graduate school in less than a month but I still wanna keep posting for you guys. Your kind comments really keep me motivated. Mwah!
Luna and I talk a little about the future while we're at dinner. The conversation helps me realize how afraid of it I have actually become; I have to remind myself to keep breathing as Luna tells me about her plans for the winter break. My head starts swimming, and I have to remind myself:
It's okay to be scared. Breathe.
"Luna, would you do something for me?" I ask suddenly, totally cutting her off mid-sentence. If I don't ask her now while I finally have the nerve, I never will. She doesn't answer, just cocks her head to the side and waits patiently. "Will you come with me while I talk to Professor Flitwick? I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble and I'm...kind of scared to go talk to him." Luna pauses for a while, thinking over my question as she takes a sip of pumpkin juice. I've barely touched my dinner, far too nervous to bother with it.
"Is he going to hurt you?" Luna finally asks. I'm taken aback by the question.
"Of course not! I would never think that!"
"Then why are you afraid?" Luna's expression is one of genuine confusion.
"I don't want to be a disappointment," I decide to answer honestly. I would be more concerned about other people overhearing me, but Luna and I are always left to ourselves in the Great Hall. "You'll catch their weird if you sit too close," is the common reason I often overhear.
"I don't think you're a disappointment, but the only person whose opinion matters is yours."
"Luna, where the heck do you get all this wisdom from?"
"Oh, my mum. She always seemed to know what to say, so I just think of what she would want me to tell you."
"Where's your mum now?" I ask carefully. She's never brought her up before, so I better get this question out of the way to eliminate the risk of forgetting what I'm supposed to know and what I haven't learned yet.
"She died," she answers simply.
"Oh, Luna I'm so sorry." My surprise may be disingenuous, but my sorrow is not.
"Why? It's not like I'll never see her again." I feel a vague sense of deja vu, and wonder if I've heard her say this before. I'm not really sure how to respond though. There's a long pause and I push the chicken on my plate around in a circle with my fork.
"I don't see why I can't go with you, if you want me to." I perk up at this.
"Yes, please! We'll go after dinner?" I'm sure he expected me much earlier in the day, but now is better than never.
"That's fine," Luna agrees.
…
Going to Professor Flitwick's office feels like walking into the depths of Hell.
"Maybe we should go another time…" I start.
"Didn't you say he was waiting for you?" Luna asks, her smaller legs easily keeping pace with my dragging feet.
"I mean, it's late. He's probably not waiting anymore."
"Are you trying to avoid going to talk to him?" Luna asks.
"...maybe."
"I don't think that's such a good idea."
"I know," I whine. "But I don't want to!" We both stop in front of Professor Flitwick's closed office door. This is where I got stuck last time. I dig my nails into my palms, willing them to stop shaking.
"Maybe we should come back?" Luna's quiet voice brings me back from within myself. I hadn't realized that my eyes were closed until I open them again.
"No, I need to do this." My voice is no more than a whisper, but it's all I can manage at the moment. With a wildly shaking hand, I reach up and rap on the door. The last thing I hear is the resounding knock of the wood before the world goes to black.
…
I wake up alone in the Hospital Wing. The blindingly bright light that assaults my eyes tells me that it's mid-day. I shut them quickly and in the soothing darkness behind my eyelids, it takes me a few moments to remember what events led me to this moment, but the memories don't explain why.
I take a deep breath and realize it's the deepest one I've been able to take in a days. No gasping for air, no tightness in my chest, just a full, deep breath. Opening my eyes again, I look at the table next to me and see the familiar bottle of Calming Draught.
"Charlotte! You're awake!" Madame Pomfrey comes over to me out of nowhere. I've always wondered if she has a magical alert for when someone wakes up, or maybe she's just really good at her job. "You're about to give Harry Potter a run for his money for how often you're in here! How are you feeling?"
"Surprisingly good," I say honestly. She looks a little guilty at this.
"Your good friend Luna told us everything, after Professor Flitwick brought you here. I'm so very sorry for not understanding what you were trying to tell me."
"You weren't listening," I murmur. If I were a child I would not have had the gall to say something like that. Or maybe children are more likely to say such courageous things. I don't remember anymore. She looks at me for a long moment, and I wonder if she's going to get angry, but she just sighs.
"Yes, you're right. I wasn't listening. You did try to tell me the other day, when I took the potion back. I'm sorry for not taking better care of you, Charlotte. I've never had a problem like this come up before, but that does not excuse anything. Sometimes you just come across as so mature, I forget how young you are."
"Oh, thank you, Madame Pomfrey." I try not to look nervous at what was clearly meant to be a compliment.
"Now, I'm listening. I promise. If I call for Professor Flitwick, will you please tell us what's been going on lately?" I nod. I think I have a pretty good version of the truth that I'm willing to tell.
Soon, she and Professor Flitwick are sitting before me. I overhear them saying that Professor Dumbledore has left the matter in their hands, so he doesn't show up, thankfully.
"Good afternoon, Charlotte," Professor Flitwick greets much more cordially than the last time we met.
"Good afternoon."
"How are you feeling?"
"Much better now, thank you."
"Are you ready to talk to us? If you need more rest, I can come back."
"No, I'm alright. I'm ready to talk. I think it will help me."
"I think so too," Madame Pomfrey agrees.
So I begin my story. Most of it isn't fabricated, just the important parts, unfortunately. I know I can't lean on the lie that Mandy and Lisa were bothering me too heavily, especially at the start of this whole fiasco, so I make up the excuse that Luna and I have been feeling down since we are social outcasts. (In reality, we are social outcasts, I just don't give a shit).
Our "inability to make friends" made me feel really down and more anxious, and that all blew up in my face at the quidditch match. I had a panic attack and fainted. I got the calming draught from Madame Pomfrey and found myself more dependent on it than I thought. The situation got out of control, Lisa and Mandy started seriously harassing me, and I pulled the prank that I now "deeply regret" as a way of lashing out.
Why do Fred and George get to pull pranks all the time with no repercussions but a stern talking to? Because I feel guilty and I care too much. If I had taken their advice and just not felt bad, this could all have just disappeared after a month of detention. But nooo, I have to go and actually do what the professors ask of me, like tell them the whole story of the past few weeks, just because I feel the need to cave to authority.
"Charlotte," Madame Pomfrey snaps me out of my reverie, "why didn't you come and ask for help?" She looks genuinely sad for me. I'm not really sure I understand why.
"I didn't want to get into trouble." And I didn't think anyone could help.
"I think you've gotten yourself into far more trouble now than if you had asked for help earlier, don't you think?" Professor Flitwick asks. Well he certainly isn't wrong. I nod miserably. Maybe it really would have been better to do that instead of desperately try to figure something out the way that I did. Fortunately, no one has realized that I made more potion for myself; if they did find out, it could get back to Theo, which is the last thing that I want.
"I hope you've learned a lesson from all this," he adds.
"Oh! Speaking of which, I went to talk to you last night about my detentions. Professor Dumbledore said he wanted me to have detention with Hagrid, but you wanted me to have detention with you, and I didn't know what to do," I explain.
"Ah, I see. Well if Professor Dumbledore wants you to have detention with Hagrid, that is fine with me. You do not have to serve double detentions, but I expect you to start coming to my class, unless you want to repeat your second year over again. You may have very good grades, but that does not excuse you from learning in the classroom."
"Yes, sir. I won't skip anymore. But I don't know what to do about the potion." I look over at the bottle on my bedside table longingly.
"I will be in charge of your potion schedule. You will have to come see me between classes in order to get your daily dose, but I won't take it away from you all at once. That won't help you, as we have seen. Again, I'm very sorry for what you had to go through because we didn't listen," Madame Pomfrey apologizes, leaving me feeling wildly uncomfortable.
"Uhh, it's fine. I shouldn't have tried to hide things," I mumble. How the hell did I manage to pull the wool over the eyes of one of the smartest wizards of all time for an entire year, but I can't hide a panic attack from some well meaning adults?
"Well, now that things are settled, do you think you can go to class today? I think getting back in to your old routine will help you feel better," Madame Pomfrey says. I don't necessarily agree, but I also don't think arguing is going to get me anywhere.
"Yes, m'am."
The adults leave me to my own devices so I can get changed and whatnot. It's about half an hour before lunch, which is great because I'm starved. I haven't had as much of an appetite since I stopped taking the potion, so I should eat while I'm feeling up to it. By the time I finish getting changed, Professor Flitwick is gone but Madame Pomfrey is waiting patiently for me.
"For now, whenever you feel like you need more potion, just come and see me. I'll help make sure you're taking less of it every day. Soon you won't even remember to come. This will all be in the past before you know it." She smiles brightly.
I can't help but sigh. I hope she's right. It's harder than I would have imagined to lean on someone else and trust them to help me through, but I'm trying to keep an open mind. Doing everything myself blew up in my face- the least I can do is give this a try.
"Thank you for everything, Madame Pomfrey. I'll see you later."
"I'm happy to help. Have a nice afternoon!"
…
I end up arriving to lunch just as the first round of food magically appears on the tables. My stomach growls loudly as I eye all the wonderful dishes. I always thought that Harry was being overdramatic when he talked about how wonderful the food is here, but he really, really wasn't.
Ignoring the few people who are already sitting at our table, I make my way to my usual spot; it's closer to the professors than I would like, but it's better than trying to jam myself into the middle of the table with a bunch of classmates who don't like me.
Well, at first I'm trying to ignore my housemates, but then I start to feel like I'm being watched. I glance over at Slytherin table beside me and, indeed, there are more than one set of eyes on me. When I look away, I notice the same phenomenon happening from the Ravenclaw table. Fortunately I'm not left in the dark for too long before a loud, familiar voice clues me in.
"You wouldn't want to get on her bad side, Crabbe. She might set you on fire too!" I see Malfoy right away, since he is talking loudly enough that almost everyone at both tables can hear. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised- Lisa and Mandy would never keep quiet about something like this. If they were smarter they would be more concerned for their safety. They're lucky I'm trying to keep some sort of good image with Dumbledore, or else I would be merciless in my retribution.
But unfortunately for me, I am trying not to look like a sociopath, so I have to let this go. I guess I sort of deserve it? I mean, I did pretend to set them on fire. Though for some reason no one seems to recognize that. No one got hurt! And it wasn't even real fire! But noooo, everyone thinks I'm some sort of arsonist now.
I sigh and roll my eyes, continuing to the deserted part of the Ravenclaw table. Malfoy keeps trying to bad mouth me, but he's apparently too lazy to come up and say it to my face, so he eventually lets it go. The students who are in the vicinity are outright staring, but a good glare sends them all scrambling to look away. I guess there can be perks to being an arsonist.
A few minutes later, I get a nasty fright when Luna appears before me. I had been staring at my plate, completely lost in thought when she plopped down on the seat across from me.
"Oh! Geez, Luna, you scared me!"
"I'm sorry. I'm happy to see you here and not on the floor or in the hospital wing."
"Thanks, Luna. I'll try not to pass out so often," I can't keep the sarcasm out of my voice, despite the fact that Luna is being completely earnest, as is her usual. Fortunately sarcasm isn't part of her wheelhouse, so she takes me at my word.
"Okay, I'm glad to hear it."
"Thanks." Seriously, if anyone else talked to me like this I would deck them, but Luna's never trying to be an arse, it's just the way she is. Most of the time, it's refreshing to talk to someone so honest and straightforward, even if that can lead to some awkward moments in our conversations. I'm constantly left to marvel over the fact that we get to be friends; I doubt she'll ever know what a positive influence she has had on me.
"You're welcome," Luna smiles. I wonder what she thinks I am thanking her for. "My classmates wanted to tell me that you set fire to some of your roommates. I didn't really understand why they were so excited to tell me. Do you know?"
"Well, I didn't actually set fire to anyone. It was false fire. And I think your classmates are afraid you might try to do something similar?"
"Why would I do that?" Luna is genuinely confused.
"Because they're constantly bullying you and leaving you out?" She ponders this for a while.
"Is that why they call me Loony Lovegood?"
"Yes." I can't bring myself to look her in the eye, but I don't see the point in lying either.
"Well, I think that's alright," Luna shrugs.
"What do you mean?" I watch as she picks up a sandwich and takes a bite. It feels like a ridiculously long time as I wait for her to finish chewing and answer my question. In fact, I end up taking a sandwich of my own, despite having already eaten three.
"If they are afraid I'm going to be mean to them, it means they feel guilty about the way they've been acting. So that means they're already suffering enough, don't you think? I don't have to change who I am or what I do. I'm fine the way I am, though sometimes it makes me sad that people around me are suffering."
"Wow, Luna. That's very mature of you."
"Really? If you say so." I laugh at her unsurity. I wonder if she'll ever realize how mature she is compared to the childishness that we are surrounded by. Of course, in their defense, they still are children- Luna is just very mature for her age.
…
After lunch, Luna and I head our separate ways. I'm finally going to potions, having missed so many classes I've lost count. I am totally dreading going to see Snape, but I think I've had enough draught to get me through it. Taking a few deep breaths, I make it to class a few minutes early. Snape notices me right away and waves me over to his desk.
"Miss Campbell. I see you have finally decided to grace us with your presence. I admit I didn't peg you for a delinquent, but you have the lifestyle down nicely. What will your next big troublemaking scheme be, I wonder?" Snape drawls, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable he is making me. Fortunately there aren't many other students in the room yet, though I'm sure they're going to spread this story around like wildfire.
"Well, I'm here now." I start to head over to my desk, but Snape puts a hand up to stop me.
"It's far too late for that. There's no way you can bring your grade back from all the assignments you have missed. You might as well leave."
"I can do them-"
"And why should I let you?" Snape cuts me off before I can finish. "You missed their due dates. Delinquents do not get extra leeway on their assignments so that they can spend more time galavanting about the castle."
I pause, unsure of what to say. I was not expecting this much aggression this quickly. I thought Snape would give me a hard time, but I didn't realize I had missed so much that I was on the brink of failing.
"Has Madame Pomfrey spoken to you?" I ask quietly, trying not to let every one of my classmates overhear me.
"No." He doesn't outright ask me why, but I can see the question in his eyes.
"What if I had a doctor's note, saying that I missed class due to illness?"
"I find that highly unlikely, and I'm not required to let you make any of the work up."
"I think you are," I immediately counter. I know he has lied to students before, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to get me out of his class now. I'm not his favorite student, even if Theo told me I'm not his least favorite either. "But I can ask Dumbledore to make sure."
"That's Professor Dumbledore, to you. Twenty points from Ravenclaw for such rudeness." His eyes narrow. I shrug. He didn't outright counter my proposal, which to me sounds like I can get away with this idea. I don't care if he's upset- I'm not redoing second year. This has been horrible enough the first time.
"Can I talk to Madame Pomfrey to get me a note after class or are you insisting that I go talk to her now?" I ask, trying not to sound too exasperated. He seems a bit miffed by my complete lack of concern for losing house points, but doesn't push it further.
"Go speak to her now, and don't bother going to Professor Dumbledore. If you are able to procure this note, I will be speaking to him myself. Bring it to me after class today. I don't want you interrupting the other students, since they actually come to class to learn."
By this time, class is about to begin, so just about everyone is here. Malfoy and company are sniggering loudly at the fact that Snape is kicking me out before the lesson has even started. Theo is pretending to be uninterested, but I can tell he has an ear out for our conversation. So much for keeping my private affairs private.
"So Madame Pomfrey is going to prove that Charlotte is crazy? Good thing Snape isn't letting her stay- I've heard it could be contagious," Malfoy taunts, making his posse laugh obnoxiously.
I just roll my eyes, knowing that saying anything will give Snape further ammunition to keep me from coming back. It's moments like these that I'm a little envious of Harry- he goes through this sort of thing, but at least he has his friends at his side. My friends have their own classes and their own lives- they can't prioritize me like Ron and Hermione can for Harry.
I'm almost to the hospital wing when I make a quick detour to the bathroom. On my way in, I'm surprised to pass Hermione as she is leaving. We pass one another without comment, but before the moment passes Hermione calls out to me.
"Charlotte, can I talk to you?" I sigh inwardly. What now? I turn back to face her.
"Can I pee first?" Hermione looks mildly uncomfortable, but agrees to my request. She follows me back into the bathroom. "What's up?" I ask as I close a stall door behind me.
"I, umm, well," she stutters. It's painfully clear from this interaction that she hasn't had many friends, especially of the same sex. She has no idea why we are talking in the bathroom.
"It's fine, I can hear you," I assure her.
"I can wait for you to be done."
"Don't you have to get back to class? I don't want to hold you up too long." My argument becomes moot as I flush the toilet and come out to wash my hands.
"I wanted to talk to you about the last time we ran into each other," Hermione blurts out.
"Yeah? What about it?" I look at her through the mirror, avoiding looking her in the eyes. I try to remain nonchalant, but I have a feeling where this is going.
"Well, aren't you curious about what we were doing? I'm surprised you haven't asked any of us." Oh, that wasn't exactly what I was expecting. This will be easier than I thought.
"I'm not gonna tell on you. You don't have to worry." Hermione pales, surprised that I read her so easily. I forget how straightforward and obvious Gryffindors can be. I'm not even this bad at conversation. Poor Hermione still has a lot of growing to do.
"I-I never meant to insinuate that you were... but why aren't you?"
"I don't have a Gryffindor's sense of chivalry, Hermione, I feel no need to tell a teacher every time someone breaks a rule. I'm sure you heard about my recent escapades." The look on her face tells me that she hasn't. Interesting. "Let's just say I've broken a few myself."
"You're not going to ask what we were doing?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Umm, I just thought you would."
"It's not my business." I take a step towards the door. "Is that all? I'm sure you want to get back to class." I don't really want to talk to her anymore. I thought I wanted to be friends with her before, but she has so much maturing to do and I don't really want to be a part of all the drama that comes along with that. I'll just wait til she's older.
"Actually, I wanted to ask you how you are doing," Hermione blurts out, stopping me in my tracks. I don't want to turn back to face her quite yet, unsure of what my facial expression is. The silence between us stretches across the seconds, and Hermione can't handle it. "Well, you seemed really upset before, and I know we're not really friends, per say, but I thought that maybe you needed someone to talk to and-"
"I'm fine, Hermione." I turn back to face her and cut her off mid- run on sentence. She looks disappointed. "I mean, I'm getting better. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so snippy. It's just that everyone is getting into my business lately, and I feel like everyone knows that I've been having a hard time lately."
"Well, it's better for people to know than for you to have to deal with everything all alone, isn't it?"
"Even people who have no business knowing?" I ask. She shrugs.
"I'm one of Harry Potter's best friends. His business always ends up being everyone's business, even when he tries to hide it. And, most of the time, hiding it just makes things worse."
"So I've noticed," I huff.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks hesitantly.
"Why are you worried about me? We're not even friends," I point out, not unkindly.
"Can I tell you a secret?" She asks suddenly.
"Uh, sure?"
"I used to not have any friends. Ron and Harry are my first friends ever. After meeting them, I realized that things could have been a lot better for me if someone had reached out when I needed help, so when I saw how upset you were...I thought maybe it was my turn to try to help someone."
Damn, I take back every thought I had about Hermione not being mature.
"That's a pretty big burden to take on. Besides, don't you have class to get back to?"
"Our class ended early," she admits sheepishly. "What about you?"
"I got kicked out by Snape."
"That's terrible!"
"I'm surprised you're not blaming me," I laugh.
"I know Professor Snape well enough to assume it probably wasn't your fault. But you're right, if you were in a different class, professors have good reasons to send students out."
"That's fair. It was partially my fault, but he was being ridiculous. Speaking of which, do you want to walk to the Hospital Wing with me? I have to go pick something up. Then we don't have to keep talking in the bathroom." She agrees and we head out together.
I can't believe I am letting myself be friends with Hermione, but with such a kind hearted start, I can't bring myself to say no to her. Besides, this is a different timeline, will it really hurt anything for me to have another friend by my side?
…
The two of us walk to the Hospital Wing as I explain why I have to go there and what has happened as of late. She seems sympathetic to my plight, though I'm not surprised that she does not approve of my rash behaviour.
"I still don't understand why you didn't just go back to Madame Pomfrey and tell her what was going on with you," she pauses. "I'm sorry, am I being too brash? It's not like we're very close…" she trails off.
"I'm not easily offended, don't worry. You're not saying anything that a teacher hasn't already yelled at me, or that I haven't berated myself with."
"You seem like you understand yourself very well. It feels a little strange that someone like you would have so much emotional trouble."
"I'll take that as a compliment, but being self aware doesn't always prevent your problems, it just makes it easier to know where they are coming from."
"Oh, I always assumed…"
"It's still something to strive for. It does help you avoid more problems, it just doesn't help you get rid of all your problems."
We make it to Madame Pomfrey, and I tell her what Snape said.
"I never thought to get a note, but Professor Snape says he won't let me back into the class without one. I really don't want to have to repeat this year, and I know I can get my grades up to passing if I am allowed to go back to class and do some of my missed assignments."
"Oh, of course, Charlotte. That's the least I can do for you."
"Can I..also have some potion?" I ask. I'm not feeling desperate for it, but I would rather keep on top of my anxiety than let it creep up on me when I'm not paying attention. I have to admit though, it hurts to have to ask for it. Besides feeling like I'm asking for a favor, it does feel a little reminiscent of being a drug addict. Not that I was one.
"Yes, yes, of course." She turns to Hermione. "Do you need anything, sweetie?"
"Oh, no, I'm just walking with Charlotte."
"Oh, the two of you are friends? How nice. I'm not surprised, really. You two have a lot in common."
Hermione and I give each other a confused look. Apparently even the adults noticed that we would make good friends. Of course, I thought we would, but I was too worried to take the leap before. I'm glad that she initiated this, and I'm glad I reciprocated. Of course, we're not suddenly friends now because we had one deep conversation were I spilled all my problems to her, but it's definitely a start. Grandma will be proud when I tell her.