A/N: LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD But it is VERY important so I ask that you bear with me and read it.

One of my anonymous hecklers finally sacked up and started spamming emails directly at me. I got a nastygram today in my own personal email-my mistake for putting it up there in the first place-from a rather nasty fellow. Its my own fault for leaving my contact information on my profile in the first place so I could talk firsthand with fans.

I'm not kidding.

I wasn't going to acknowledge him, I really wasn't, and I was doing my best to ignore this bugger, but this went too far. Going to my main email to spam this and just to harass me?

Don't believe me? I'll read out the contents of the email as follows word for word:

READ IT:

Here's some questions for you: Why are you still alive? Why do you continue writing mediocre stories? What have you done that's worthwhile with your life besides being a fuckwad uninspired hack of a writer? Do you wish you had a load of fucking harems for yourself? If you really are dying of something, then it should've killed you sooner. Because if not, someone else will. If not this person, then the others that are lined up and ready to do the deed. Or are just waiting when you least expect it. You're not worth anything to anyone. You can do the world a favor and just die already you dipshit motherfucker cracker or nigga. Whatever applies to you, Ryan. Whatever works. A bullet to the head is too good for you. You and many others like you deserve to suffer horribly. Painfully. Very slowly. Your days are numbered. Don't forget it.

You can either drown in pussy, dicks, or your own blood. Or all the above, with other disgusting shit.

There you have it. This is what I deal with.

At one point he even got ahold of my email/name, using it for spam and worse. In turn, I lost my temper, retaliated, and revealed his email -listed when he started spamming my email account- in turn. It went on for awhile and got pretty nasty, with the two of us flinging insults at one another back and forth like two children. Eventually I realized that in revealing his email as he did MINE, I was being no better than him; worse, I was sinking to his level, letting him drag me down until I was just like him.

I wanted to be better than that. So I stopped.

These days he -and other trolls- still go around tell me to off myself, wishing pain upon me and the like, but I try to ignore them. Some days are harder than others.

ONCE MORE To clarify, I have no longer listed the email for said person above, even though he clearly got ahold of mine first. This is just me reading the CONTENTS of his email. That's the sort of mail I get these days. Fun stuff, no? On another note to said troll, if you don't like something, don't look at it. Don't like a book? Don't read it. Don't make life hell for other people because of it! My health has gotten better, sir. I have gotten better. I will not be dying anytime soon!

And I'm done tolerating this troll.

Now then, here it is...the next chapter! You might recognize some characters making a cameo here. 'TIS intentional, I assure you. One more warning: Naruto DOES main someone in this chapter, so if you're not comfortable with that sort of thing, leave now. Though considering who he offs, I don't think you'll mind to much.

I also ask ye to remember that, despite what the world might think, Naruto is not a Witcher or even a Shinobi anymore, thanks to the meddling of a certain Goddess. Rather...

...he's something...

...new...

And a bit of verbatim here regarding the encounter with Master Mirror...

...BECAUSE THAT SONOVABITCH IS TERRIFYING!

"You're not what you seem."

"Neither are you."

~?

I Hate Mirrors

I hate mirrors.

That's all I have to say on the subject, thank-you-very much!

When one considers just how mundane that sounds, you really ought to hear me out.

We thought he was a simple merchant, a harmless peddler of mirrors. Even I was fooled. Who would think someone so harmless and abasing could possibly be evil incarnate?! I mean, yeah, he seemed the oily type with his quiet flattery and he certainly knew a fair bit about us for being a "merchant" but at the time I chalked that up to tales and songs. After all, I'd made something of a name for myself in White Orchard and Geralt, well he was already INFAMOUS in his own right, considering.

Not a once did we thing this helpful merchant was a threat to us.

Just some blighter who gave us directions and went on his merry way.

We were wrong.

If I'd know who-what-he was...

...I would've gutted him right then and there.

Speaking of gutting and embarrassing...

(...With Our Heroes...)

Geralt of Rivia had seem some true bullshit in his day.

In his storied career as a Witcher, he'd witnessed things that would make even the staunchest of men soil themselves with fear. All manner of monsters, leshens and boggarts, wraiths and vampires, to name a few. He'd even seen several spells while int he company of Triss and Yennefer, both of whom were powerful sorceresses themselves in their own right. So all in all, he possessed a rather high tolerance for all things bullshit-unless it came to portals in which all bets were off-and as such didn't startle very easily. Or at all, really.

But this?

This was absolute bullshit!

No one should be able to pop in and out of reality like that! Not without a damned portal at any rate! Yet Naruto did just that, vanishing one moment only to reappear the next, his body seeming to shift and twist at nigh impossible angles to avoid blows and blades that should have done serious damage. As if he were simply laughing at reality. Just daring it to object. Not to mention the way he bent and twisted limbs and cracked shins, all the while admonishing Boris and his men for their sins. You shouldn't be able to make music with the sound of breaking bones, but for a few moments there he swore the blond had done just that.

In the end when all was said and done, Boris and his band of miscreants were little more than a bruised, bleeding mess on the ground.

Oddly enough, this lot looked better than they had when they'd first picked a fight.

All in a day's work, Geralt decided, dusting off his gloves.

"Not bad, Wolf!" Naruto hummed, cleaning a bit of blood off one of his trademark sickles. "Not bad at all!" Then he peered closer at his weapon of choice, frowned as it caught the sun rays, reflecting them back into his terse visage. Repeating his inspection with its twin, his frown soon deepened thunderously. "Ah, mother-fucking-fucker!" Swearing, he cast each to the ground where they clattered loudly into the dust. "Sons of bitches cracked 'em! Now I'm going to have to use the damn swords I looted from those bastards until they're fixed!

Wait. Looted from who?

Had Geralt been in a more studious move, he might've thought about that.

As in how the hell the blond before him was doing this.

"How in the hell did you do that, back there?"

"Do what?" the blond smiled innocuously.

Geralt clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"Pretty damn sure you used magic."

"Nope." A grin. "Wasn't magic."

"The hell it wasn't."

"Hehehe!"

Off to one side Arwen laughed softly and Naruto's grin grew.

"Sorry." he remarked, clasping him by the shoulder. "Trade secret. Now if you'll excuse me, I think our smith friend here is starting to stir.

As if sensing the man's displeasure, Boris groaned.

He would live of course-but considering the fact that one or two of his men presently now missing limbs, Geralt wasn't willing to bank on White Orchard's favor for much longer. Turning his slit gaze to the few sods still conscious after that abysmal pounding, he nudged one with his boot. A muffled groan answered immediately, bleary eyes rolling up to meet him listlessly. When they locked on Naruto, a spark of defiance kindled itself to life, only to gutter out at the sight of drawn steel. Said spark flickered now as the blond pulled one of his fractured sickles from the ground and held it to Boris's throat.

"Go ahead," he purred darkly. "Try and get up. Make my day."

"You dirty elf lover-

CRUNCH!

Naruto's boot crashed down on the man's upturned hand in mid-sentence, obliterating bone and mangling muscle in one swift stomp while simultaneously eliciting a strangled scream from his victim. Geralt didn't flinch at the decidedly unmanly shriek, instead watching impassively as the demented man drove the spoke of his boot down deeper, blood welling up between the cracks. Ooh. That looked painful. Infection was going to set in if he kept driving the wound into the mud like that. Not that it was any of his concern, of course.

"Keep at it, bub." red, slitted eyes bored into Boris, "I can do this all day."

Ashen-faced, the smith glared up at his tormentor, whimpering softly.

"Now, are you going to apologize, or do I have to cut the hand off?"

"Fuck you...!"

"Fuck me?" the Witcher scoffed, sheathing his sickle with a shake of the head. "Seriously? Do you really want those to be your last words?"

...cunt!"

A laugh. "You're shit at dying, you know that?"

Boris snarled and spat in his face.

The laughter ceased.

"Arwen?" Naruto called, "Two or three more."

"Two or three more?" she blinked.

"Two or three more."

Scarce had he spoken than three shafts flew through the air. The first and second found the back of both his knees, respectively. The third, well...

"Yeeargh!"

"Oooh, right in the ass! That looks painful."

Geralt whistled softly.

Remarkable, really.

He hadn't even seen that last shot.

She'd deliberately missed all his vitals with those shots, when she could have just as easily gone for the head or an eye.

"So any more backtalk Boris, m'boy?" Naruto drawled, the afternoon light lending his smile an almost pleasant air. "Please, by all means!'

Almost.

"When I get out of this-

"-so glad you asked!"

Naruto never let him finish that sentence; because in the heartbeat that it took for him to speak, the blond calmly reached behind his back. At first, Geralt didn't see what he was doing, only watched him root around in one of the many pouches he kept on his personage. It wasn't until he pulled out a piece of iron, and said iron started to burn in his hand, that the Witcher realized the blond's intention. That really was an interesting ol' application of Igni there, he'd have to ask him how he was able to do that without weaving his fingers into the sign.

Because Boris saw it, too.

"W-W-What are you doing?!"

"Oh, just putting your tools to good use," Naruto hummed, holding him down. "You should know what this brand means, after all," he gave the now-scalding metal a wave, you've seen me use it on other shitheads who thought they could get away with fondling little girls. Now its your turn, so do hold still." Red eyes twinkled merrily Wouldn't want to miss and hit an eye now, would we eh?!" Hoisting the smoldering piece of metal high, he positioned it just above the squirming man's forehead. Then he brought it down like the hammer of a Norse god.

So, hard.

Very.

Hard.

"Aaargh!"

Boris squealed like a struck pig when the brand found his right cheek. He struggled fiercely but Naruto's grip was sheer steel; though the screaming smith thrashed and bucked as if he were some wild beast, the blond's aim never faulted. Calmly-carefully-he pressed the white hot metal into his face, searing a simple inscription that read rapist into his flesh forevermore.

"There." he grunted, satisfied with his work, "Anything else? Perhaps you'd like to lose a few more fingers? Hmm?"

A groan answered him.

"I-I'll...kill you...for this...!"

"Oh, that's gonna cost you an eye-

When it became blatantly obvious that the blacksmith was still perfectly willing to rise to the blond's baited challenges despite his numerous injuries and countless humiliations, Geralt took it upon himself to end things before he really did kill him. Thrusting a foot outwards, he kicked the portly man in the side, hurling him into his fellow miscreants. Neither dared to make a move on the Witchers or their ward. If they had they'd have wound up picking even more pieces of themselves off the floor.

"Get him out of here." He growled. "Now."

Not needing to be told twice, the men got, dragging Boris behind in their wake. All the while Naruto watched the broken band intently, giving Geralt the impression of a fox ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. It was only when they were truly out of sight that he allowed himself to relax. Even then he looked like he wanted to leap after them and finish what he started. The White Wolf didn't much blame him. He had no tolerance for men like that. With those wounds, the blacksmith would never have a normal life. He might not even be able to walk, which meant death in this day and age-

"Dh'oine."

Geralt stiffened at the stern tone, yellow eyes widening before he realized it was little elven girl who had spoken. Dh'oine, she'd called him. White one. What did she want? Did he dare ask?

"May we...have a moment?"

"What do you-oh."

Arwen turned to look at Naruto with bright dewy eyes, lower lip trembling ever so as her small hands balled into fists. Seeing her pensive expression the red-eyed blond grimaced, shooting him an apologetic look and Geralt decided it wise to withdraw for the time being. A few quick strides carried him down the beaten path and towards the inn. Slightly out of sight, slightly out of mind, yet not so far that he couldn't overhear their conversation. Voices tended to carry in a dead silence like this. As such, he found he had a prime spot when Arwen spun and drove her foot into the blond's shin.

"Ow!"

Naruto hissed softly, rubbing his leg. "What was that for?!"

"Why?" she snarled one word, a demand. "Why didn't you tell me he was the one who...

Arwen choked on the word, unable to finish.

"I suspected the sonuvabitch and you deserved payback." the blond replied, stuffing both hands in his coat to weather her seething glare. "I just wanted to wait until you were skilled enough to take it for yourself. And witnesses. Now? We got both. And you got to stick a full quiver of arrows into him. Best part? He ain't dead so he'll have to live with the knowledge that you did this to him. Add to that the brand on his face and he can never do this to anyone else. Now you've gotten you revenge and you can start to move on. Vengeance is like a weed, it chokes you over time, until its all you can think about."

Her mouth worked, wordlessly, and for a fleeting moment, Geralt thought he saw comprehension dawn in her eyes.

"I...thank you."

"Hey," he murmured, mussing her hair. "We're family. We watch out for each other. Its what we do."

A blink followed.

...family?"

"Well you're certainly not a stranger to me, 'ttebayo!"

Arwen gasped and went rigid, her red eyes going wide as saucers as the words struck home. Even from here, Geralt could see the elven lass color to the very roots of her hair. Hiding her head in the curtain of her dark tresses, she muttered something in elvish. Before Naruto could so much as blink she lunged forward,s slim arms locking around his waist, seizing him in a fierce hug. To his credit the whiskered warrior resisted for only a moment, then returned her abrupt embrace stiffly, chuckling softly.

"What did? you say?" he inquired.

Arwen looked at him, dared a hesitant smile.

"Family." she said the word aloud, savoring it.

"Well, yes." he grinned. "I did say that, didn't I?"

"My family." she stated firmly. "I accept that...Naruto."

"Ha! You finally said my name!"

With that Geralt decided the danger had passed at last and dared to intrude on the happy pair's moment. Arwen started like a spooked deer at his approach and released Naruto before hastily stepping back, as though she were embarrassed to be caught in a moment of such open emotion. The Witcher felt a narrow smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Suppressing it, he set his sights on the blond once more. Witcher or not, he likely had the answers he sought, and if he didn't, he was as good a place to stat as any.

"Hate to interrupt," he began, "But you were te

"Not quite," the blond admitted, "But I might know a few who do. Just give me a bit to stop by the inn and get my things."

"Coming with...?"

"Well, I don't much imagine I can stay here after that stunt." the blond sighed, scratching the back of his head as he gazed out at White Orchard. "Its just as well, really. People are going to be spooked for awhile after that. Arwen ought to like it. A bit of a vacation would do her a world of good. Just got to smash the garrison before we leave.

Geralt nearly stumbled.

"Smash the...?"

"Garrison, yeah." Naruto chirruped, a dark smile stretching his cheeks as he waltzed past the White Wolf. "Can't very well leave them with the Nilfgaardians at their doorstep now can we-hey don't give me that look," he admonished at his gawking stare. "Its not like I'm going to outright murder them...well...not all of them...just need to scare 'em a bit...

Arwen sighed.

"Just go with it, Dh'oine. There's no stopping him when he's like this."

Following them into the inn, Geralt found his opinion of White Orchard climb another notch.

The inn in question had clearly been a small establishment once upon a time, but someone had gone out of their way to change that. Freshly carved timber stood where the eastern wall might have once been in addition to a rather sturdy-looking stairwell leading up into the rafter rafters. That suggested said someone had constructed a second floor, overhead. There were no shortage of patrons either, though a handful did avert eyes at the sight of their bloody clothes. Still, none raised their voices in alarm, so that was good.

Wasn't it?

"Talk to whomever ya like," Naruto's voice rose around as he shambled across the room, Arwen scurrying upstairs ahead of him. "Just don't break anything. I've got a reputation to keep, ya know?"

"Where will you be?"

"Nowhere and everywhere."

"That doesn't make any sens-

When he turned his gaze, the blond was gone.

The only sign of his presence was a lone leaf on the floor.

'Alright,' Geralt thought to himself, studying it, 'If that's a Witcher trick, how can I do it?'

To his initial surprise, many of the patrons were outright forthcoming. Unsurprisingly, none of them knew anything about a woman in black and white. In the end, his options exhausted, his gaze finally alighted upon a slender fellow in the back of the room. He was remarkable if only for the fact that he seemed utterly unremarkable, all brown and blue leathers with a shaven head. Noticing him, he raised a hand and shot off a jaunty little wave, raising a tankard in a toast.

"Well." Naruto's voice rang in his ear, "He's new."

Geralt started.

"Damnit, how do you do that?"

"Like I said, trade secret. We gonna talk to him?"

Looking back, he couldn't quite explain what exactly compelled him to cross the room, only that he did.

Claiming the seat opposite the humble-looking sod, the Withcer steepled his fingers.

"Looking for a woman." he began, his voice rolling gravel.

"Ahh," the man mused eloquently, "Like everyone."

"Not like everyone," Geralt argued tersely, cutting him off with a sweeping motion of his hand, "And not just any woman. Mine smells of lilac and gooseberries, dresses in black and white." He studiously ignored Naruto's snicker, but the stranger did not, dark eyes shifting toward the blond and his erstwhile companion.

"Three schnappses!" he called out to the innkeep, laughing. "Hah, it'll lift your spirits."

"Fine." The Witcher relented. "I'll have one."

Naruto offered a mute shrug.

"Works for me."

In short order three cups were set out before them. Naruto downed his in a single gulp, while Geralt gave his a sniff and recoiled. Uch. And he thought some potions were bad!

"Let's get down to business." he rumbled. "You seen her or not."

He wasn't expecting the grin.

"Yennefer of Vengerberg?"

Okay, why did everyone seem to be getting the drop on him today?

"Never mentioned her name."

"Yet, you described her perfectly." the humble stranger replied cheerily. "And once I hear something, I never forget." He tapped his head and a roguish grin flashed out at them, all pearly white teeth. "Can't help it."

"How do you know her?"

"What a question!" the patron laughed and spread his arms wide, as if to encompass the entire room in his grasp. "Master Dandelion's ballads, of course. The only way a humble merchant might hope to rub up against greatness. Unless, that is, he's as a lucky as I am."

"And runs into a very patient Witcher?" Geralt growled.

"Into Geralt of Rivia himself." Came the challenge. "The Butcher of Blaviken."

A cold pit of agonizing dread opened in Geralt's stomach and the last of his patience plummeted into its inky depths. Wrong. This was all wrong. Something-some sixth sense perhaps?-was whispering in his ear, telling him to stand up and leave. Right now. Questions be damned. Stifling the strange anxiety he leaned forward, slitted eyes locking intently on the smiling stranger. All the while, his mind began to wonder how quickly he could cast a sign, or draw his blade. Something. Anything.

"Recognize me from Master Dandelion's ballads, too?"

A grin.

"To your health!" the stranger declared, finally partaking of his own drink.

"What do you do?" Naruto finally cut in, his once cheery smile locked behind a flinty scowl. "Who are you?"

At this, the stranger finally seemed to notice him.

Incredibly, his grin grew.

"Merely a mangy vagrant, master ninja." he sketched a bow. "Gaunter O'Dim, at your service."

Naruto hissed softly.

"The hell?"

"And you." dark eyes swept toward the blond. "How long are you going to play at something you're not? All because you lost to an angry woman, tsk, tsk!" He wagged a spoon at him, shaking his head. "For shame!"

"Well, damn."

Filing the word ninja away for future consideration, Geralt renewed his scrutiny on O'Dim.

"Vagrant? That a profession now?"

"Ah, once a merchant of mirrors." the supposedly humble merchant confessed with a sheepish laugh. "The madding crowd dubbed me Master Mirror, or the Man of Glass." The whisper in the back of his mind had escalated to a shriek now, and it was all he could do to drown it out; to prevent himself from leaping across the table, sword in hand and plunge it into O'Dim's gut. And he still couldn't fathom why. The man was absolutely harmless, or at least he seemed such, so surely he wasn't a threat.

So why was Naruto on edge, thus?

"You seen his girl or not?" it was the blond who asked, spitting the words.

"Deepest apologies," O'Dimm hummed, turning his dark gaze back to Geralt, "But I must ask: is this about love?"

Something twisted in the Witcher's heart; as though a man had taken a knife of coldest blackest ice and thrust it into his chest. Even then, he didn't let O'Dimm see his pain.

"Guessed it. Its love."

"I knew it at once." The Man of Glass declared. "A pity it won't work out, however."

And there was the rage again.

What did that mean!?

"What do you know. Tell me."

"Well, I could tell you why it won't work out," the mirror merchant sighed, "but you won't believe me. Before you appeared, it never occurred to me that might've been Yennefer." Shaking his head, the merchant sighed softly. "Who would've thought...

"Get to the point."

"A Nilfgaardian scout from the local garrison saw her. Before your boy over there caught him skulking about and beat him bloody. Oh?" A smile. "He hasn't told you?"

Golden eyes met red.

"Hey, to be fair I was going to tell you about it before Boris showed up...

"She was at their camp a few days ago," O'Dimm interjected pleasantly. "Rode in there-dark of night, black and white, gooseberries and...yes, I know." he amended at the Witcher's scalding look. "Had a terse exchange with the garrison commander and raced off."

"Where to?"

"I'm not omniscient, Geralt." the merchant sniffed. "Ask at the garrison. Preferably before our dear friend burns it to the ground.

"Hey!"

"Thanks." The White Wolf grunted.

"Think nothing of it!" The Man of Glass laughed jovially. "We men of the road must stick together." Dark eyes swept past him, seeking Naruto's with an eerie leer. "Perhaps one day I'll be in trouble and you'll be nearby to help. Perhaps by then, he'll have told you of your precious little swallow and their meeting."

When he looked again the man was gone.

Swallow.

He knew that that meant.

"Ciri."

It escaped him all at once, the word tumbling out before he could hold it back.

For a long moment, Geralt couldn't find his voice, it would not come.

"Eh?" Naruto blinked. "Ciri? You know her, too?"

"You saw who...? WHEN?!"

Naruto blanched.

"Now, to be fair, I didn't know you were looking for HER, too...

That was all he got out before the White Wolf thumped his head so hard he saw STARS.

A/N: And there you have it! My first stab at a crossover with the Witcher series! I do hope you liked it! Pairings and suggestions are welcome a plenty! And YES, Naruto clearly isn't a witcher, but the incident with his eyes will have most folk thinking he is. Consider it something of a running gag. What'll happen next? Will our knuckle-headed ninja make it home? Will he even want to?

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

And of course, enjoy the preview of an oncoming chapter! There's two this time. Hopefully updates will come faster once you guys give that hater a piece of your mind and he leaves me be!

(Preview(S!))

Naruto eyed the Free City of Novigrad as though it were the plague.

"Oh, can we not?!"

Geralt bit back a frown.

"Hey, you wanna talk some sense into-

Arwen shook her head rapidly.

The White Wolf sighed.

"Right, then. Let's get this over with..."

When he looked back, the blond and his charge were both gone.

"Shit."

Yennefer frowned, firelight playing off her stern visage.

"I hate you so much right now."

"Aw, that's so sweet~!"

"Aaargh!"

For a fleeting moment there was silence, broken only by the echoing sounds of their footsteps as they descended deeper into the darkness. The cavern seemed to take even that sound and distort it somehow; making it sound as though there were a small army following them into the earth, stalking them in the dark. The thought was...unpleasant. Shadows seemed to take on a life of their own as the shinobi torchbearer pressed on, his rapid pace forcing her to hasten her own lest she be left behind in this pit. Spirits above, why oh WHY, had she agreed to follow him down here, again? Ah...yes. Right. Sweet promises of knowledge and the potential for power that came with it. Damnit.

"You," she pinched the brow of her nose, desperately trying and failing to stave off the migraine pounding against her temples, "you have an insufferable lack of tact, do you know that?"

Naruto's only response was to crack a snide grin of his own, stepping over a low-hanging root. Said root snapped back at her face when he released it forcing the sorceress to duck.

She shot him a glower.

He merely laughed.

"Yeah, and you can be a total bitch sometimes." he snarked, pearly white teeth flashing in the gloom. "Or all the time. What DOES Geralt see in you-

SLAP!

"Ohohoho, feisty!"

R&R~! =D