PSA: I'm back at college now, so expect updates to slow down as I adjust to a new schedule.

Also, Kali Belladonna is my new favorite MILF. Deal with it.

About a day after posting their bicep-shaped flyers around town, Neptune, Sage and Scarlet had received two phone calls in response to their plea for a new best friend. In order to best determine who would take Sun's place (for about 4 days), the three planned to spend time with each of them at the same time to directly compare their personalities, physiques (gotta have those abs), and hobbies. Luckily enough, both were Faunus and thus kept their diversity levels at a stable degree.

Their new best friends' names were Gray and Tyrian.

"You know," the masked Faunus sighed happily, "I'm so glad that I could find me even more friends that appreciate abs as much as I do. It really tingles my biscuits."

Team SSN were walking behind Gray, keeping close as Tyrian walked uncomfortably close behind them. They were beginning to wonder if they should have done any background checks on the scorpion Faunus, because his constant crazed giggling was really putting them off even more so than Gray's flamboyant mannerisms. Tyrian's statement of desiring a new crew for committing debauchery seemed like a harmless joke at first, at least until they saw the dead bird drop out of his trench coat. They would have turned him down if not for the feeling he might gut them if they tried.

"You know what tingles my biscuits?" Tyrian said, grinning widely, "There was this one time… Oh! It was a wonderful time! Yes, they felt every ounce of it, slowly fading away from the poison… Hoo-hee! Yes, oh yes, I can still taste them!"

"Scarlet, Sage," Neptune stammered, "I'm scared."

Waiting for Tyrian to lag behind due to laughter, Scarlet nodded in agreement. "Also, I feel like we didn't emphasize the 'nothing sexual' part. I mean, just look at Gray."

"Maybe we shouldn't have made our flyer in the shape of a bicep," Sage said, "I think he was attracted to the phallic shape."

"Are you saying my flyer looks like a penis?" Neptune said accusingly, putting his hands on his hips, "Do you realize how hard it was to design that?"

Sage pulled out a spare flyer, showing him the abnormally long forearm and fist with text printed on it. "You can't tell me this doesn't look like-

"Oh!" Gray shouted excitedly, stopping in front of a building. A big neon sign that said 'Gym-Jamboree' hung above the door. "We're here! Who's ready to get their pump on?"

The five males entered the gym, Gray leading the way. Neptune glanced around, taking in his surroundings and scanning for girls practicing their yoga. However, none were to be found; in fact, it was quite the opposite.

"Hey, guys…" Neptune asked warily as two immensely buff dudes walked by, "Is it me, or aren't there any girls in this gym?"

"There has to be," Scarlet said, also looking around and seeing nothing but shirtless men, "They're just… hiding behind these giant bodybuilders, I guess."

"We came here to get back in shape, not just to impress girls," Sage answered. He noticed Tyrian standing by an equipment rack stuffing small dumbbells and jump ropes into his trench coat for God knows what reason. "Honestly, that's probably the least of our worries. Tyrian is really starting to rub me the wrong way."

A loud double-clap caught SSN's attention. They spotted Gray standing by a pair of doors, hands on his hips as he waited patiently for his new bros to join him. "This way! The fun is in here!"

"Should we get Tyrian?" Scarlet asked Sage, jerking a thumb behind him at the thieving lunatic.

"…When we leave. I'd rather not be near him when he gets caught for looting."

"Yeah. The last thing I want is to get arrested. Do you know what guys in jail do to people like me?"

"Gee, thanks for that visual."

The three approached Gray, the Faunus seemingly shaking from excitement. He handed them each a bottle with no label that was slimy to the touch. "Man, I'm glad I finally found some guys to do this with me! My best friend Adam refuses to come here with me. At least you three are open to trying new things."

"What exactly are we doing?" Neptune questioned, trying to pull his hand off the sticky bottle.

"This!" Gray pushed open the doors dramatically, stepping aside like a gameshow girl to present its contents like some kind of grand prize. Neptune, Scarlet, and Sage's jaws dropped in horrified shock as they spotted a room full of shining, muscular men – all wearing only the skimpiest of speedos – flexing and presenting their muscles. "We're gonna do these beefcakes a favor and grease them from head to toe! Gotta make those biceps pop!"

Yeah, this wasn't happening.

"Gray," Sage pinched his temple, shaking his head in disappointment, "Did you not read the flyer? We clearly stated this was a non-sexual thing. Multiple times. IN BOLD."

"Don't forget the underlining," Scarlet added from aside.

"Oh yeah, I did. But appreciating the male body doesn't have to be a sexual thing if you don't make it one."

"There's a difference between appreciating and greasing!" Neptune shrieked, his voice cracking.

Sage and Scarlet shared his frustration, but were doing a much better job at holding it in. The former realized that it was time to weasel them out of this predicament. "Okay, Gray. You go in there and grease up those guys. We'll get Tyrian, and we'll join you eventually. After we grab lunch down the street, that is."

"You better hurry," Gray said giddily, taking their bottles of baby oil away, "There might not be any dry guys left by then!"

The moment the doors closed on the beefcakes, SSN made a break for it. They nearly tripped over each other as they scurried like rats out of the males-only gym, barging out the door in a heap. "Tyrian! We're done here!"

"That was quick…" the scorpion muttered, crab-walking out of the store as he tried to hold all of his stolen goods within his coat. A dumbbell landed on his foot, and with a yelp he hooked it on his tail's stinger before running down the street after his new 'friends'.

The day eventually turned into night, and the now four-person gang was walking through the shadier side of town. Apparently Gray had been too preoccupied with his 'hobby' to try and find them (not that any of them minded), and SSN was ready to see what Tyrian had planned for them that could only be done at night. Sage was carrying a bag over his shoulder, full with Tyrian's stolen gym equipment and various other tools they had picked up at a home and garden store.

"Tell us this doesn't involve any half-naked men, Tyrian," Scarlet asked, exasperated, "I don't wanna go through that again."

"Oh no, my friend," Tyrian grinned, his eyes dilating, "You'll see- Ooh! Yes, a perfect specimen!"

The scorpion put his hand up to stop them, motioning for them to duck down behind a car. The three boys complied, and peeked over the side of the trunk to see just why they stopped.

"Why are we hiding?" Sage whispered, Tyrian quickly hushing him.

"Her," the older man pointed across the street at a woman that SSN instantly recognized.

"Glynda?" Scarlet scratched his head, confused as to why they were spying on the stern blonde professor, "What are we going to do to her? Is this like a prank or something?"

"You could call it that."

"Then what's up with all the tools we had to buy?"

"Well, it's simple. You three will walk up and distract her, then I'll come up from behind and, heh, while she's distracted I'll give her a nice stabbing! Oh-ho, it'll be wonderful!"

"Okay," Sage raised an eyebrow, "But what are we really going to do?"

Tyrian cocked his head. "I beg your pardon?"

"What are we actually going to do? We're not going to actually kill her."

"Huh? Oh, yes, I see… As long as we don't call it a murder, it isn't one! Good call! An excellent defense if the cops question us!"

Sage would have corrected him about his name if not for the possibility that Tyrian was about to murder someone. He beckoned Neptune and Scarlet to him, forming a tight team huddle just far enough from Tyrian so the scorpion could not hear their panicked whispering. "I am really starting to regret this whole flyer thing."

"Oh really!" Neptune hissed, "I knew we shouldn't have even done this to begin with!"

"Then why didn't you stop me yesterday?!" Scarlet snapped back, flicking Vasilias on the nose.

Sage attempted to keep the peace, putting himself between the two. "Stop, stop! Look, we gotta make a break for it again, before Tyrian – Goddammit, he's going after Glynda."

Turning around, the three saw Tyrian sprinting towards Goodwitch, his cackling immediately giving himself away. Glynda's face was one of apathy; after an entire day spent with Ozpin at a faculty meeting, she was not in the mood for this shit. She whipped out her riding crop in an instant and aimed it at the Faunus, freezing him mid-stride with her telekinesis without hesitation.

"You're - ungh! – no fun!" Tyrian grunted, trying to break free of the psychic power as a large shadow descended over him, "You'll regret this!"

"I don't care," Glynda said with a deadpan expression as she slowly hovered the car SSN had been hiding behind directly over Tyrian. She spotted the boys and rolled her eyes. "The things I put up with… I swear, you're just as insufferable as Ozpin sometimes."

"You bitch!" A rabid Tyrian was completely unaware that she was not speaking to him. "I'll make you suff-

*K-KRCH!*

A single tire bounced away from the wreckage of the car that had just crashed down on Tyrian like the insect he was. His twitching tail poked out from underneath a door; he was alive, but wouldn't be moving for a long while. The three boys felt Glynda's gaze pierce them like a knife the moment she took her attention from the wreckage.

"Are we in trouble?" Neptune asked the obvious.

"Oh, I don't know," Glynda said sarcastically, a sign she was near snapping, "Does a Nevermore have wings?"

"…I think we're in trouble."

After a week spent fearing for his life, Sun was finally glad to be out of Ghira Belladonna's sight. Okay, maybe the giant of a Faunus didn't actually want to kill him, but the monkey knew that the former leader of the White Fang would have found no greater joy than to stuff him in a barrel and ship him back to Vale. Accidentally mentioning that he had gotten to know Blake on a physical level during that night camping probably wasn't the best thing to let slip during a dinner conversation.

At least her mom was nice. And kind of a MILF, too. It was a good thing Blake inherited her Kali's looks and not her dad's chest hair.

The moment he had touched foot on solid ground, he saw Ruby, Weiss, and Yang waiting for him and Blake. After all the usual reuniting greetings were exchanged, Sun asked where the rest of his team was at. Yang told him that he should probably go pay a visit to Miss Goodwitch for the answer. That right there was the first bad sign; the other was when Glynda told him to make sure he had some extra money to pay bail for three people before explaining to him in full detail just what SSN had done while he was away.

"One week," Sun groaned as he stood in the local police station, shaking his head at his teammates stuck together behind bars, "I'm gone for one week, and you manage to get yourself involved with a serial killer and Adam's BFF."

"In all honesty," Scarlet clarified, "We didn't realize he was one until-

Wukong held out his hand to stop him. "No… No. I don't even want to hear it."

"At least we managed to get him arrested and locked up for good in a mental institution in Vacuo!" Neptune said, trying to make things seem better than they were, "So, in a way, we did a good thing! Right?"

"Can you just get us out of here, Sun?" Sage pleaded, "We promise we won't do this again. We just missed you, that's all. Clearly it shows that we need you to keep us in line."

Pondering it for a moment, Sun looked to the security guard behind the front desk. "How long will they be in here for?"

"Hmph," the guard looked on his scroll, "About three more days if nobody pays bail."

"…Yeah, that sounds good," Sun shrugged, walking to the door. His teammates stood gripping the bars, their jaws dropped.

"HOLD UP!" they shouted in unison, "DON'T LEAVE US!"

"Oh, don't worry," Sun smirked as he walked out, "I'll make a call to your other new friend who would love to pay the money to get you out. And I'm sure he has more than enough baby oil for all of you to grease up some beefcakes again."