Of all the places for a supposed high-class headmaster of a prestigious Huntsman Academy to be, sitting in a filthy bar in the slums of Vale at 1 AM would be the last spot anyone would guess to find him. With his arm tucked in a cast, he sat in a dark corner sipping coffee from a wine glass as he waited for the man he had called to meet him here for an important matter. In any other circumstance, the man would turn down a rendezvous with him; the temptation of a free drink was perfect bait for the alcoholic bird.

"This better be good, Oz," Qrow Branwen rasped, sliding into the empty seat across from Ozpin, "I've got a hot piece of Schnee ass waiting for me I'd really like to return too."

"I see your relationship with Winter is going well."

"Relationship? Heh. More of a friends with benefits thing, honestly. There's no way in Hell I'd commit myself to a life with her. She's an angry bitch, but that does have certain benefits if you know what I mean."

"Quite," Ozpin nodded, "So, you are probably wondering why I called you here to this… lovely establishment." The adjective couldn't have been more inappropriate, as a man hurled a smaller man across two tables and crashed into a wall.

"I want my free drinks."

"About that. I may have stretched the truth- Please, don't leave."

Qrow rolled his eyes as he stood half out of his chair. "You do realize that whatever plan you want to go along with will fail, right? My Semblance was probably to blame for all the bad luck we had back in the RV six months ago."

"I like to believe those were just coincidences."

"My Semblance is just coincidences, Oz. Millions of them. All of them shitty. How are you not understanding this?" For a second Qrow thought Ozpin's brief pause was actually him thinking something through for once. But then he realized that was more likely to happen than his sister Raven coming over to Taiyang's house for the holidays. "Okay… Just tell me why I'm here."

"I want you to kill me."

"…Bullet or scythe? Your choice."

"But at the same time, I do not wish for you to kill me," Oz raised a finger to clarify, "For this to work, I must continue to live."

Now Qrow was the one not getting the point. "…Are you saying that you wanna fake your death?"

"That sounds correct, yes."

"Does this have to do with Jimmy?" Qrow asked, referring to the Atlas General.

"The debt I owed to him have proven to be much greater than I had once presumed. The amount of lien I have managed to accumulate is nowhere near the final total."

"How much do you owe?"

"Taking in how much I siphoned from his bank account, the lost donations I owed him, the extra charges for defamation of character and the discount he took off for being allowed to break my arm in 7 locations… At least 20 million."

"…Goddamn, you're fucked," Qrow put it bluntly, "How much do you already have?"

"About twenty."

"Twenty what? Hundred? Thousand?"

"Just twenty."

"…Only twenty lien?"

"That's correct, yes."

"In six months, you only earned about the same as a kid's monthly allowance?" Ozpin nodded as if there was nothing pathetic about it at all. "Yeah, I'm starting to understand why you would want to die now. Your life is that pathetic."

"In all fairness, I did attempt to pay James back. I grew bored with the effort I had to put into it, that's all. Once Glynda caught me trying to borrow from student accounts I realized there was no other option but this."

Qrow wasn't even going to touch on that one. "Then why call me in the first place? Can't fake your death on your own?"

"I don't want to die alone. If there is someone with me when I die it will appear more believable. Especially if it's you."

"And why's that?"

"Well, I presumed we would present it as you – in a drunken state – crashing our car into a wall in a violent explosion. The press would believe it, as the entire world recognizes you as the most alcohol dependent individual in all of Remnant."

"I'd say being proud of that title would be in bad taste, but hell I'll accept it. If I'm dead to the world there won't be anyone to judge me for it."

"So you want to do this?"

"Yeah, sure… After I down a couple hits of vodka. Gotta make this thing believable."

Nine bottles later (and working on his tenth), Qrow found himself standing in an empty parking lot waiting for Ozpin to arrive with their doomed vehicle. A pair of headlights illuminated his back, and behind him he saw the soon to be 'dead man' pulling up in a small smart car. Downing his last bottle with a burp, Qrow dropped it on the concrete letting it shatter into pieces.

"You couldn't have picked a cooler looking car than this?" Qrow pounded his fist on the tiny vehicle's window.

"I chose practicality over design," Ozpin said, "The rate of surviving accidents in small cars like this are much slimmer than a standard vehicle. That, and it was the only unlocked one I could find."

"So it's stolen. Nice. We're dyin' with a criminal record."

The two got in the smart car, Qrow behind the driver seat snapping his sea tbelt in. Reaching into his jacket, Ozpin pulled out a pair of pliers and handed them to Qrow. The drunk did not take them, instead staring at them in confusion. "What're these for?"

"To make our deaths more convincing, I concluded that we should leave behind some bodily evidence. Would you please remove a few of my back molars, Mr. Branwen?"

"…Are you serious?"

"Incredibly serious."

Qrow was going to abide even if he wasn't stupidly drunk right now He took the tools as Ozpin opened his mouth. "This is going to hurt, you know."

"Ah-uh," Ozpin nodded, mouth wide open as he held up three fingers.

"Countdown? All right," Qrow made sure he had grip on a tooth, "Three… two...! ONE- Huh. Well, shit." He stared at the coffee stained tooth held between the pliers, having barely made any effort to pull it out. "That just kind of came out. Do you even brush your teeth?"

"Occasionally," Ozpin reached into his mouth, pulling out another, "Oh, dear."

"Stop, stop! That's disgusting!" Qrow stared forward to avoid looking at Ozpin anymore, "Let's just get this done with."

"Very well. Now, hit the gas and drive straight towards that wall in front of us. Don't forget to jump out at the last moment."

"Obviously- Hey, hey!" Qrow snapped, quickly grabbing hold of Ozpin's jacket as he started o get out of the car, "What the hell are you doing?!"

"…Getting out of the car."

"No shit, but why?!"

"I figured, since I already lost quite a few teeth and have a broken arm that I should not risk any more bodily harm. And also since nobody is actually going to see this happen-

"I am not doing this by myself!"

"You will do an excellent job, Mr. Branwen," Ozpin tossed his teeth into the backseat before escaping Qrow's grip. Qrow glared at him in the rear view mirror, the Headmaster giving him an encouraging thumbs up. The urge to back up into him was incredibly tempting.

"Pussy…" Qrow mumbled, revving the engine. He took a deep breath before slamming down on the accelerator. He figured that he would jump out about, say, two seconds from impact…

Then he felt the seat belt tugging at his shoulders.

"SHIT-SHIT-SHIT-

*CRA-CRNCH!*

Ozpin stood by calmly as he watched the smart car beeline towards the brick wall. He didn't even flinch at the sound of the crashing impact, watching unblinking as the front window shattered and doors popped open. Taking a drink from his mug, he waved at a staggering Branwen, crawling out of the wreckage on his hands and knees.

"Ughn…!" Qrow gripped his ribs, disoriented both from the collision and the Bacardi in his stomach, "Son of a bitch…!"

"Excellent work, Mr. Branwen. Very convincing."

"I think I broke something!"

"Ah, staying in character I see," Ozpin hoisted Qrow up, helping the bruised Hunstman stumble away from the scene of their 'death', "Do not worry Qrow. We shall be remembered fondly. I am sure you will appreciate the tombstone I picked out for you."