It was late when they assembled at the cave to get ready for patrol. Mostly because Demon-Brat's training had run late, and Dick was notorious for taking forever in the shower. Styling his long hair probably took another half-hour at least.
"Your hair seems to be getting long for crime-fighting," Batman said gruffly, while passing Nightwing.
Nightwing glared back. "It hasn't been getting in my way."
Batman ignored Nightwing's glare, and continued trying to burn bridges between them like a certain pyromaniac recently escaped from Arkham. "I doubt it's very aerodynamic. Have you considered adding a cowl to your outfit?"
Nightwing scowled and left for Bludhaven with a roar of the Nightcycle, long locks flying behind him as he left the cave.
Next Jason swung a leg over his red hoodcycle. Tim eyed his own motorcycle, wishing he was edgy enough to make a dramatic exit like his brother.
"We'll all be traveling in the Batmobile tonight," Batman said, effectively dashing Tim's hopes of not spending part of the evening cooped up with Ninja Brat. "Poison Ivy mentioned we need to be more environmentally conscious, and I agree."
"We're taking advice from super-villains now?" Tim said, still eyeing his cherry red motorcycle.
"We need to be role models for the other citizens. What message does it send if we don't all carpool?"
"Um, that we don't live together?" Tim snarked.
"Don't be moronic, Drake," Damian said. "Everyone in Gotham already knows Batman and Robin travel together."
"It won't be every night," Batman said. "Just once in a while when it makes sense."
"Motorcycles are eco-friendly, and the Batmobile is electric anyway," Tim tried. "You even let Nightwing take the Nightcycle."
"Nightwing has to patrol in Bludhaven," Batman pointed out, then frowned at Jason. "Since you're staying in Gotham with us tonight, there's no need for the Red Hood to travel separately." He paused to check his batcommunicator. "There's been three reported break-ins tonight, all at coffee houses. I thought we could investigate together."
"Someone isn't a morning person?" Tim quipped. In all likelihood, if someone was targeting coffee houses, there was about a 26% chance it was a (former) disgruntled employee, a 10% chance it was coincidence, a 20% chance it was related to a scientist/engineer/meta/robot fueled by coffee, and a 44% chance a supervillain was starting out on a themed crime spree.
Jason folded his arms in front of his jacket. "Mysterious break-ins? That's more Sherlock Timbo's specialty. I have other things I need to do."
Damian sneered. "Like running your crime empire?"
"We can pack the motorcycles in the Batmobile," Batman continued, ignoring his youngest son. "That way if we need to split up, we can." He dragged a gloved hand alongside his face. "Jason … if you have illegal errands to run, just, don't let me know about it."
Jason flushed and grumbled then pulled on his hood.
"Really, Todd, you should find different accommodations. You're no better than adults who live in their parent's basements." Damian folded his arms, and gave Jason his best Ninja-Brat Trained by League of Assassins glare.
Tim rolled his eyes. "We all fight crime in Bruce's basement."
Damian lifted his chin haughtily. "You and Todd are overgrown parasites-"
"Bruce!" Tim shouted.
"That's enough," Batman snapped. "Focus, we have work to do."
Damian kicked the door of the Batmobile on his way in, and leaned back with a pout.
Tim sighed and piled into the back of the Batmobile with Damian, who immediately tried to pin Tim's cape to the seat with a batarang.
"Cut it out, Demon," Tim hissed, wishing he had managed to trade places with Nightwing. Not that he was close enough yet to being able to impersonate Dick, but someday maybe he could. And Damian was so much more manageable when Dick was around. At least then, Demon Brat had to pretend to make an effort to get along with his siblings.
Cassandra gave Jason a death glare, then curled up in the front seat.
Jason briefly grumbled, then plopped down in the backseat of the Batmobile between Tim and Damian, effectively interrupting their cape war.
"What the hell, Jay! You're too big!" Tim screeched as one of Jason's thighs pushed him into the door.
Jason just chuckled, then relaxed his limbs, squishing Tim and Damian against opposite windows.
"Todd, get off me now, or go on a diet!"
"Diet? You're just jealous, midgets," Jason said, sounding way too amused under his helmet as he stretched out even more.
"Code names while we're on patrol," Batman rasped from the front as he adjusted the rearview mirror.
"Can't Black Bat sit back here instead?" Tim begged as he struggled not to be crushed under his brother's weight.
"Pft, ask her yourself, Shrimp."
"You can…fight me for the front seat," Cassie said, glancing back from her seat of luxurious extra space.
They all grumbled and groaned, but no one challenged Cassie. Then they rode in silence for approximately five minutes, until Damian started shoving at Jason's giant thigh again.
"Demon spawn, stop picking on your formerly deceased brother."
"We are not related, and if you continue in your thuggish ways, Hood, there will soon be no need to use the word 'formerly' in your description."
Tim bit back a laugh, then yelped as Jason elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow, Hood!" He turned and scowled at his brother. "C'mon, you have to admit, that was a good one."
Damian sneered and folded his arms. "See, even Red Robin occasionally acknowledges my superiority."
"It wasn't THAT good," Tim grumbled. "More like B-list villain dialogue. On the upside, if you ever become a supervillain, you might not need a ghost-writer."
"If?" Jason asked. "Demon Spawn is already about halfway to villain at least." He cocked his head. "More like half-way reformed from a mini-villain."
"You…would know," Cassie snarked from the front seat.
"Ouch! Destroyed!" Tim yelled. Jason would almost need another dip in the Lazarus pit to recover from a burn that severe.
"I'm nothing like Hood," Damian growled, taking out a batarang to stab into Jason's leg.
"Ow, fuck!" Jason said, shoving at Damian's hands.
"Language!" Batman growled from the front seat.
"Robin is trying to injure me before patrol even starts!" Jason complained, throwing his arms out and leaning forward.
"I've barely even put a dent in your armor," Damian pointed out. "Honestly, you whine more than Red Robin sometimes."
"Robin, put your weapons away," Batman rasped.
Damian scowled, but did as he was told.
-x-
The first coffee-house they stopped at was a Mr. Coffee, labeled with bright yellow rounded letters over a small brick building.
Tim clawed his way out of the backseat when they arrived, never more relieved to step out of a vehicle in his life. Batman gave them all a quick batglare, before striding forward to meet commissioner Gordon.
"It's clean," Gordon said, running a hand down his face. "I've had my people go through. No prints, no hair, no dust, nothing to even show anyone has been here, except for a picked lock, missing security footage, and a few hundred pounds of missing coffee beans."
"Hnn," Batman grunted as he swept past Gordon. "And the others are the same?"
"Yes, that's why I called you. It's not vandalism, and it's not robbery- not a conventional one anyway."
Tim scurried to keep up with Batman, and followed him into the shop.
-x-
Just as Gordon had said, it was clean inside. The register was untouched, not a pane in the door window was cracked. The only item missing was the entire inventory of coffee. Batman left the motorcycles, and drove off with Damian and Cassie to check out the other shops, while Tim and Jason stayed behind to investigate.
Tim hacked into the computer and started searching through the inventory, to see if anything else was missing, or out of place. The whole store still smelled so deliciously of roast beans that Tim reached for a non-existent cup as he scrolled through one of the manager's spreadsheets. His eye twitched. "Isn't there a level of hell where you have to smell coffee, but can't have any?" Tim muttered while wishing that Reginald III was more organized.
"Pft, don't insult the classics, R." Jason leaned forward annoyingly and started reading over Tim's shoulder. "So Reggie had 700 lbs of coffee, and he bought most of it three months ago." Jason stood up. "And back to your idea of a personal hell, does that mean you're a glutton for coffee?"
Tim scowled briefly. "It's more a necessity. But our new friend, whoever they may be, just might be a glutton for coffee."
Jason stretched his shoulders until they popped. "It's probably a new villain. Coffee-Man or something."
Tim frowned. "Or it could be an established villain, trying a new scheme."
"Maybe Poison Ivy is making a statement on coffee consumption?"
Tim hummed and tapped his chin. "Possible. But it's not her style." The lack of giant vines taking over the building was a huge hint that it wasn't Ivy.
"Didn't she say she was turning over a new leaf?" Jason leaned back against the counter, probably smirking under his helmet.
Tim groaned and face-palmed. "I thought I was getting a break from puns tonight."
Jason scoffed and flung a Styrofoam cup and sugar packet at Tim's head. "You live in Gotham. Face it, you've pretty much signed up for being exposed to bad jokes and terrible fashion sense constantly, whether or not Nightwing is around."
Tim caught the sugar packet and frowned. "Why stop at coffee and leave the sugar alone? If this was Ivy, wouldn't she also throw a tantrum over the disposable cups?" While coffee production did contribute to deforestation, it wasn't the only culprit.
Jason pushed himself away from the counter. "Good point, R, but if it's not Ivy, who else could it be? Aside from a villain we've never heard of, or maybe an Arkham escapee found out how dependent on coffee vigilantes are."
If it was a super-villain, 80% of the time they'd leave a clue, something to taunt Batman, to be found eventually, but not before they completed their nefarious scheme. Tim frowned, remembering his plan to grab as much free coffee tomorrow with Stephanie. "Tomorrow is International Coffee Day. It can't be a coincidence." Tim stood up swiftly and started searching around the office. "The calendar, Hood, if it's Riddler he might leave his riddle on the calendar. If it's-"
"If it's the Joker, we'll find out when he starts demanding an interview with Batman," Jason snarked.
Tim found the calendar. National coffee day was highlighted, but there were no other marks for September.
"Oh well. It was a nice thought, Sherlock Robin."
Tim exhaled heavily as he stared at the calendar. He was so sure there would be a clue. "Maybe there really is a coffee fueled robot." He stared at the blank calendar a few more seconds until it clicked. "Wait, Hood, this is the clue. It has to be. Who leaves a calendar blank except for highlighting one day? Not a store owner." Tim rustled the pages as he started flicking through the calendar. "Maybe the clues are spread throughout the year." Tim scrutinized August, before turning to July. "Coffee takes a long time to process, at least the expensive kind does," Tim muttered under his breath.
"I'll tell Oracle to message B," Jason said. "Have him check for any calendars at the other shops."
Tim nodded, staring at a tiny winking smiley face scrawled in black marker next to 'July'. He paused before flipping to the next page, trying to remember how many villains were born in July, liked the month July, or were named- "Julian."
Jason turned and started. "Calendar Man? Makes sense. He does love the dramatic." Jason removed his helmet and briefly held it out in an 'Alas poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio' pose.
Tim rolled his eyes at Jason's antics and nodded. "Dates are important to him. Look, in June he wrote 'Your shipment arrived, only to return." Tim texted Oracle to see if there was any information on the origin of the missing coffee. His communicator pinged a few seconds later. "Ha! Most of the coffee was grown in Bialya, and it arrived in Gotham on June 25th."
"He's taking the coffee back to Bialya? Might as well let him. Good riddance. Maybe he'll get into a fight with Queen Bee."
"I don't think so. That would be expensive, and I doubt it'd be showy enough for his needs." Tim read through additional information Barbara sent. "Oracle found that most of the coffee arrived in shipments on piers 18 and 47."
Jason pulled his helmet back on. "Then that's where we're headed next. Nice work, R."
-x-
Tim arrived at Pier 18. It was just his luck, that Calendar Man appeared to be setting up for his International Coffee Day performance here. The smell of roasted coffee filled the air, and Tim quickly texted the others while wondering how long it would be before everyone was drawn here by the over-powering smell of coffee.
Calendar Man wore a brown suit, with the date on his shoulder lapels, and trimmed with red coffee berries. He had a platform set out, lit with giant spotlights, and was dumping more ground coffee into a simmering vat of liquid.
"Calendar Man!" Tim shouted. "The police know what you've done. Come quietly, and you won't make things worse for yourself." Supervillains almost always chose to make things worse for themselves, but Tim liked to at least give them options.
Calendar Man jumped in place, then peered over at him and sneered. "Oh, it's just a tiny side-kick? Foolish bird, only Batman has a chance of stopping me!" He made a shooing motion with his hands. "Run along, little boy."
"Oh hell, no," Tim said, deciding instantly to capture the D-list villain himself instead of waiting for the others.
Tim shot out his grapple, swung to the top of Calendar Man's platform, pulled himself up, then crouched down and kicked low, to sweep the villain's legs out from under him.
"Argh," said Calendar Man, falling gracelessly onto his back with a clunk.
Tim smirked, then winced at a sharp pain in the back of his leg that suddenly demanded all his attention. He surreptitiously rubbed his leg, then took another step, only to gasp and stumble clutching at his leg. Of all the horrible times to get a muscle cramp. Tim silently cursed demon spawn in his head, and also himself for forgetting to stretch after ninja death camp. He leaned against the railing, hoping that the villain hadn't seen.
No such luck. Tim gulped as Calendar Man pulled himself to his feet, and loomed over him, an evil glint in his eyes.
-x-
"Millennials," Calendar Man said. "All my problems are caused by Millennials."
Tim rolled his eyes and grunted, and continued covertly working on loosening his binds.
"They just don't pay attention to me like people used to," the villain griped, adding chocolate to his vat of boiling coffee. "It's fitting really, we all thought the turn of the Millennium was going to be disastrous, but what really was a disaster is all the Millennials, and their smart phones, fancy coffee, and lack of calendars."
"They have calendars on their phones," Tim supplied helpfully.
"That's even worse," Calendar Man sneered. "They don't really even look at calendars anymore. That's why I left my clues in a real calendar." He preened at the thought of his mystery. "Bet it was an unsolvable mystery for a Millennial. And they have so many more holidays now. Coffee Day, Donut Day, Taco Day. They worship food so they can forget time."
"And that's why you chose Coffee Day for your coffee crime?" Tim asked.
"Exactly. What better way to catch their attention than to beat them at their own game? They want free coffee and mindless holidays? I'll give them a coffee day they'll never forget!"
"Clever," Tim muttered, keeping his now unbound hands hidden. "And you are trying to remind them how much time their coffee takes to mature and be transported?" he asked, trying to keep the villain talking until Red Hood or Batman showed up.
"Yes, that," Calendar Man said, checking his reflection. "Mostly I plan on giving them more coffee than they can handle, and a crime so shockingly huge, that they'll just have to pay attention. Boiled alive by their own obsession." He bent down and picked Tim up by one ankle. "And you get to be the first, aren't you excited?"
"Urgh," Tim said, as Calendar Man stepped over to the edge of the platform, and dangled Tim over the vat of boiling coffee. He snapped his arms free, but there wasn't much he could do now without risking being dropped. It was therefore time to try and talk his way out of being experimentally boiled. "This isn't how I expected my morning coffee," Tim quipped.
"Fortunately you're a tiny superhero," Calendar Man grunted with the effort of holding Tim up. "I'll have to find a rope and pulley for when Batman and Nightwing arrive." The villain glanced off into the shadows as something glinted and flashed. "Oh look, Red Robin, the media showed up. Smile for the camera."
Tim groaned and tried to ignore the pounding in his head. Then he had an idea. A wonderful, amazing idea that just might save his own life. "Are you sure they'll recognize you with your coffee-themed outfit?" Tim asked, frowning as if deep in thought. "They might just call you Coffee-Man. Maybe you should change to your traditional outfit, so that everyone will instantly know it's you."
Calendar Man pursed his lips and thought for a moment. "You're right," he whispered. "Millennials are so abysmally idiotic they'll call me Coffee-Man. I should wear my regular costume, and just add a few coffee-themed elements." He brought a hand to his mouth and swung Tim back over the platform, dropping him on the ground. "Wait here, I'll be back."
Tim had never been happier to be dropped on his head. He struggled to a sitting position, and worked on untying his legs.
It was then that Batman, Robin, and Black Bat emerged from the shadows to stare up at him. Tim almost flinched, wondering how much they had seen.
"Red Robin, you allowed the criminal to escape," Damian shouted up at Tim.
Tim stood up and gingerly stretched his leg. "He'll be back, he's just changing his costume." Then he limped down the stairs while Damian watched, unimpressed. Batman and Black Bat melted into the shadows to find one Calendar Man. Tim almost felt sorry for him.
Damian scowled and folded his arms. "Have you injured yourself? Do you require assistance?"
Tim wondered if it really was the end of the world if Damian almost sounded concerned. He limped over to where his motorcycle was hidden. "I'll be fine. It's just a muscle cramp."
"Tt. You really do require more training, Red Robin. At least sometimes you are an acceptable detective."
"Gee, thanks." Tim rolled his eyes. Damian was trying though, so maybe he could try too. "That's high praise coming from you."
"Your expression of gratitude is adequate," Damian said, turning away, chin held high. "If you are well enough to return to the cave on your own, I will assist Batman in capturing the criminal."
Tim just nodded and watched Damian stalk off. Now he really almost felt sorry for Calendar Man, except that the villain totally deserved it.