"And, oddly enough, he needs me, too. That part worked out better than I could have hoped." - Rosalie, Eclipse, p. 165 (Stephenie Meyer)

Quick note: I edited and re-edited this chapter so many times that it's now a three-part chapter! I'll post the next part of the chapter tomorrow! I appreciate your patience as I get back into a routine with school and mental health care. I really value your kindness and your reviews! Thank you for investing in me and this story. It absolutely heals my heart. Even in my struggles, I am encouraged by you guys.

In this chapter, I touch on some struggles that Rosalie has with her sexuality that I definitely relate to as I navigate through my own past, and so it is slightly cathartic to write about this disjointedness and shame. I felt that the guilt after her assault is confusing for her in so so many ways and it keeps revealing itself in unhealthy behaviors. I think she feels flawed and impure to consider that after what she went through she could even want love and connection with Emmett to happen and it's creating quite the predicament here in this chapter and the next section more intently.

HOWEVER, I did try to write some light fluffy things into this chapter to balance it out hehe.

ALSO IMPORTANT INFO: This song at the top of the chapter is the one that I relate to the most in my own life, but also I find the most relevant to this story and to Rosalie's experience in particular. "The loneliness never left me. I always took it with me, but I can put it down in the pleasure of your company." Since the first time I read Twilight I always felt a deep understanding of Rosalie and maybe I projected myself onto her... But I just really appreciate having this outlet to cope with the darkness in my life and to create on a character by Stephenie Meyer that I have such a strong love and perceived understanding of.

Please consider leaving a review! Every word means the world to me! Thank you immensely for your words thus far.

TW/CW: Rosalie's reference to her assault, Abuse, Shame surrounding sexuality

No Choir

And it's hard to write about being happy

'Cause the older I get

I find that happiness is an extremely uneventful subject

And there would be no grand choirs to sing

No chorus could come in

About two people sitting doing nothing

But I must confess

I did it all for myself

I gathered you here to hide from some vast unnameable fear

But the loneliness never left me

I always took it with me

But I can put it down in the pleasure of your company

And there will be no grand choirs to sing

No chorus will come in

No ballad will be written

It will be entirely forgotten

And if tomorrow it's all over

At least we had it for a moment

Oh, darling, things seem so unstable

But for a moment we were able to be still

Rosalie

His thirst made him sloppy and desperate, but he ran with intent, following the scent of some elk. He overtook me on the path, and I let him.

He'd think I was competing for the food source if I pushed too fast and he could turn on me.

It worried me immensely so I was overly careful. I was glad I wasn't thirsty and I slowed my run so he would know he was uncontested.

As he broke through the trees snarling with thirst, he reached his goal with euphoria.

I wanted to look away, but I didn't and he ravenously drained a 1,500 pound animal in seconds.

Blood lingered in the corner of his mouth that he flicked away with the tip of his tongue, his eyes searching for the others.

There were two more about 35 feet north.

He focused into a sprint, his power and strength evident even though he didn't need even a fraction of it to overpower them.

The hunt was still in his eyes so I didn't follow him closely, but I kept watch on him as he stalked a pack of wolves.

Then, just as I sensed it, he did too and something better had caught his attention.

"This'll be fun." Amazingly, he focused to grin at me, a wide boyish grin before he went on his hunt.

Emmett provoked a large Alaskan bear that was readying for hibernation so that it stood on its hind legs, roaring angrily over his head.

Emmett lunged at the bear, but toyed with it letting the bear rake its huge paw across his chest, ripping through the fabric of his shirt, but not even scratching his perfectly vampiric skin.

I recalled a time when he was much more fragile, but now… Now he had the power, and he laughed with exhilaration.

He was beautiful.

I lowered myself to sit on a nearby boulder, watching the bear try to snap at him, only to stagger back against Emmett's concrete skin. Emmett finally threw himself at the bear, taking the both of them to the forest floor with a loud thud. The bear growled menacingly at Emmett, but as Emmett growled back I shuddered with an odd feeling of my own exhilaration.

It was amazing to see him in this fight with the upper hand this time.

Within a minute, Emmett rolled to his back in the snow, gazing up at the sky with a satisfied grin.

He pushed himself up on his hands to look at me from across the clearing with a smile and a sigh.

His shirt was ripped clean off his center, totally destroyed and his raven black curly hair was matted with sticky tree sap from the feigned struggle.

"God, what a rush." Emmett childishly chuckled as he shot to his feet.

I couldn't help but smile back at him.

I was relieved.

What was Carlisle so worked up about?

He was fine.

"Are you not thirsty?" Emmett asked, trying to run a hand through his hair, but deciding against it in its messy state.

I shook my head, but he offered his hand to me to help me down from the rock.

"I'm all right." I was amused at his new lightness as he spun me under his arm like we were dancing.

His eyes were the color of rust and the change seemed to bring color to his entire face.

I was still wary though and I didn't trust it completely.

His eyes darted down and I noticed with embarrassment that when I was running, I'd ripped my skirt into a high slit up my thigh.

"I'd offer you my coat but…" Emmett recalled we'd left it on the edge of the cliff.

"Oh, it's fine." I bit my lip, nervously tittering.

"If you didn't find it too forward, I'd say that I never seen legs so many miles long in my life." Emmett said, turning away from me and starting back the way we came in boyish flirtation.

"And, I'm mighty sorry." Emmett sighed, turning back toward me again.

"For what?" I furrowed my brow, trying not to acknowledge what he'd said about me.

"For being glad I don't have a coat to offer you." He snickered boldly.

I gawked, open mouthed. Something about the way he said such forward things was still so innocent. He was forthcoming in a childishly playful way.

Sure, I'd had plenty of admirers in my time, but something about his forwardness wasn't pushy. It was light and airy. It didn't weigh on me heavily or come with any sort of expectation of reciprocation.

He told me these things just because he felt I should know them.

He chuckled, and I couldn't help but laugh a little musical laugh as he put his arm around me, playfully pulling me into his side so he could give me a familiar kiss on the cheek of my very own.

It was like fireworks on the fourth of July in my head right then, feeling the velvet coolness of his full, perfect lips on my skin, even for half of a second.

"Did that work on all of your charming Tennessee girls?" I nervously responded, by pulling away and awkwardly trying my hand at flirting with him.

"That wasn't some line, Rosalie." Emmett assured me easily with a little laugh.

"And, it wouldn't matter if it worked before. What matters is it's working now." He spoke confidently and assuredly.

"You think it's working now?" I raised an eyebrow, flirting and playing coy.

"Yeah, yeah I think it is." He grinned at me. "You're trying not to smile at me."

The corner of my mouth twitched.

"Ah, there it is." He was in awe, speaking excitedly.

I didn't bother stopping my smile then, looking down and to my feet. I bit my lip.

"It's not proper to comment on a lady's legs before you've courted her for quite some time." I scolded lightly, trying to keep my voice even as I willed my smile to stop.

My stomach was in my throat.

"Did you find it improper for me to say?" Emmett found my eyes, genuinely asking and not just testing me or my boundaries.

"I'm not sure." I swallowed nervously, finding his eyes once again.

He noticed I was failing at hiding my smile and it angered me so. He knew I didn't truly find it improper, I just knew social graces had deemed it to be.

"So what does it mean to court you, then?" Emmett asked, obviously not having used this word to describe a relationship before because it sounded foreign on his mouth.

Nervousness whirled all around me.

"It depends." I breathed.

"On?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it just depends." I stumbled on my words. "Haven't you courted a girl before?"

Anticipation pounded in my head.

"Well, I don't rightly know what courting is so I can't honestly say." He played with my words.

"Courting is just doing things that… well, showing that you fancy the other person and…."

"Well, I'll just tell you and skip that part. I fancy you." He nodded, matter-of-factly. "And I didn't kiss you just 'cause I could. I did it to show you I…"

My head was spinning and my dead heart seemed to 'ker-thunk' in my chest.

"You aren't thinking clearly right now. You're blood drunk." I mumbled, cutting him off.

"I am thinking clearly." Emmett argued strongly, obviously angered by this but not wanting to lash out unthinkingly and prove my point. "How long will it take for you to believe that?"

I furrowed my brow.

"You're still a new vampire, Emmett." I said evenly.

"And you're still afraid of me." He said tenderly so it wasn't accusatory.

I still had my guards up though so I frowned.

"Why are you afraid of me?" He asked.

"I've told you a thousand times. I'm not afraid of you." I bowed up, standing confidently under his gaze or at least I tried to appear confident to him.

He just nodded and I shivered away.

"Then how do you feel about me?" He asked the same question he'd asked what seemed like centuries ago, but I still didn't have an answer for him.

This time though, he took a step forward, taking my face in his hands tenderly, but with a boldness that set my skin on fire.

I inhaled, tasting him on my tongue in the air between us…

"I'm still deciding." I whispered because that's the only sound that could come out of my mouth.

"Between?" He asked genuinely.

I didn't immediately answer.

"It's not between any two things. It's… it's among." I answered nervously.

"Then what'll help your decision?" He smiled, charming me to my core.

Again, I was too nervous to answer and I took a deep inhale.

"Time." I finally decided to respond to his honesty with my own.

"Well, luckily I've got plenty of it." Emmett's dimples deepened in his cheeks.

He was just positively darling…

I looked down at my feet, afraid to be held captive in his gaze, but he tilted my chin up with the tips of his fingers.

"Will you give me some of your time then, Rosalie?" He asked, requesting this tenderly.

I clenched my jaw.

"Please." He traced his thumb over my cheek, looking down on me in a way I recognized as doting. "Gimme a chance."

I just nodded.

"Well, hot dog!" He grinned happily, dropping his hands from my face now to pick me up and spin me around.

I tensed all my muscles at the surprise of it, but I realized when he put me down that I was smiling.

"If you're thinking clearly, do you really think I've been trying to fix you this whole time?" I asked, making all traces of my smile disappear easily.

I recalled just a short time ago that we'd screamed in each other's faces full of unbridled rage. I'd hit him. He'd told me I was difficult and cold and manipulative.

But by some sort of miracle, I felt closer to him than I ever had. No one had ever seen how awful that I could be and bothered sticking around.

He did. He saw my darkness, but he looked at me with light in his eyes.

This filled me with vulnerability I couldn't process and at the lightness of my heart, I couldn't help but push him away.

He was right. I was too afraid.

I self-sabotaged.

I didn't want to be ruined, but in my response to this moment of happiness and lightness, I couldn't help it…

At the first sign of vulnerability, I knew how to sabotage expertly…

Emmett took a deep breath, apparently frustrated at my redirection, but he didn't let go of me. Instead, he put his hands on my shoulders to trace down my arms and down to my hands as he took them in his.

I wasn't wearing gloves… I hadn't put them back on.

I recoiled my fingers, but he laced his through mine to hold onto them.

"Yes." Emmett spoke candidly in response to my question, honesty filling his eyes as he ducked his head so I'd have to look at him. "Yes I do. Because it's easier for you to think about me that way."

I frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"I think you do truly want me to be better, to get my thirst under control, to catch up with school, to come to terms with my past, and to get along with all the others so that during that journey I'll be focused more on how much I… I need you." Emmett exhaled this, weight and meaning in his words. "And I do. I need your help and I know it…"

"But you'd rather me focus on myself than… that you need me too." He claimed honestly. "You want to be happy, Rosalie, and I think you know that I could make you happy. I also think it scares you now that you know I want to make you happy, and I do… so much."

I inhaled sharply, stiffening in his hands, but I was hopeless to tear my eyes from his.

He was looking at me like he was going to kiss me, and I… I would let him.

"It means you have to let me try to make you happy." He insisted, and I melted under his genuine gaze.

I'd never been looked at like that by anyone else in the world.

"And that's hard for you… I can't pretend to understand why, but I know it's hard for you." He saw me, and this special brand of vulnerability sliced right through my heart.

I melted into him and as he bowed his head, I almost didn't turn mine so that his kiss was replaced onto my cheek.

His lips lingered on my skin, seeming to test… to invite me just to turn a few centimeters…

But could I?…

Something made him pull away before I could and I was left with an odd emptiness that I misunderstood for nervousness in the moment, but as he dropped his hands from mine, I knew.

I wanted him to kiss me.

"Should we get back?" He asked, his eyes searching through mine.

I wondered what he'd find.

My dead heart raced in my chest.

"Not yet." I exhaled, seeming to fill the space between us with a hanging breath.

His smile lit up the sky, and for a moment I thought dawn would come early as sunshine filled his eyes.

"Okay." He agreed, and in this moment something beyond my brain wished he was touching me.

"Hey, you wanna go for a swim?" Emmett suggested in response, looking at the lake just about a hundred yards through the woods.

It was an idyllic scene and the water sparkled with the rising sunlight. The icy water looked like glass, mirroring the beautiful sky above. Mist rose off the surface like some sort of other worldly fantasy.

But that was nothing compared to the impossible way he looked at me.

"I need to get cleaned up anyways." Emmett grabbed my hand confidently, leading me to the bank. "It'll be fun."

I panicked. This wasn't what I'd had in mind.

It felt beyond my control.

He dropped my hand and began pulling off his shoes. He started on the buttons of his shirt, and my stomach floated around in my center.

"I don't have anything appropriate to wear." I mumbled, dropping my eyes.

"Yeah well, me neither." He shrugged, taking off his shirt. "Turn around and I'll jump in then you do the same. It's the Tennessee way."

He snickered in jest, but I knew he was serious. As he started on his belt, I felt my breath hitch in my throat.

"No." I said, turning my back, embarrassed. "We're not in Tennessee. We're in Alaska."

"Oh come on, Rosalie." He pushed, putting his hand on my back. "It's not like we get cold."

I flinched away, all attitudes of joking long gone.

"Come on, what's the matter? Can you swim?" Emmett wondered.

"I can swim." I exhaled, feeling my limbs getting heavy and light all at once as I heard his pants drop.

"Then tell me what's wrong." He requested tenderly.

God, his immodesty was preposterously savage. It irrationally angered me.

"I don't want…. to take my clothes off in front of you." I turned around, not allowing myself a real look at him because I knew it would've made me distracted and weak minded.

"Oh well, I wouldn't dare think anything of it. Honest." Emmett held up his right hand to swear and I saw the authenticity in his eyes.

"I… I can't." I said mousily.

"Then you don't have to." He grinned a devilish grin then, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the edge of the water.

I squealed with what I think was surprising delight as he swung me into his arms and jumped into the icy lake.

I hadn't even taken off my shoes.

I emerged to the surface and pushed my hair back, thinking briefly about how I looked disheveled.

I was caught off guard, and I fidgeted to hold my shoes in my hand now.

He laughed a bellowing laugh that I'm sure they heard all across Denali.

My soul felt light in my chest and I felt an odd fluttering sensation in my stomach at the spontaneity that was wildly out of character for me.

Outwardly though I frowned, sending an angry splash in his direction.

"Aren't you glad you agreed to swim with me?" He smiled, his dimples deep in his cheeks as he swam a circle around me.

I noticed his raven black hair dripping little rivers down the sides of his neck before he pushed his wet hair back off his forehead.

"I don't recall ever agreeing to this." I jabbed, treading water.

As I'd anticipated, treading water was made nearly next to impossible in the confines of this dress and I growled in displeasure.

He grinned enthusiastically before he pushed to shoot across the water on his back, totally unburdened.

I noticed the perfectly sculpted muscles of his torso and the way they moved with his deep inhale.

Emmett snickered, obviously amused by my anger, before he dove back under the water only to emerge right in front of me a couple seconds later.

Instinctually, he guided my arms around his neck so I wouldn't have to tread water in my dress.

I was timid, but I let him.

I watched the way the water looked on his ivory skin, the way it made him glisten.

I willed my arms not to tremble around his neck as I felt him across the front of my body.

His skin…

"You're so beautiful." Emmett marveled at me a new secretiveness to his voice, a new awe.

"Thank you." I lowered my eyes, insecure under his gaze and his closeness.

"I want to know everything about you. I mean it. " He said plainly as if this was something I simply must hear.

His eyes sparkled in a way they'd never sparkled as he looked over my face.

"Oh… no…" I frowned a little, not wanting to get launched into the depths of my darkness. "You don't."

"I told you. I do." He insisted. "And you said you wanted me to know you."

"Well, I sometimes get ahead of myself." I murmured.

He chuckled, but was undeterred.

"Tell me the last thing that made you happy." He requested.

I furrowed my brow.

My inhale deepened into my tummy.

"I… I was human then." I swallowed, knowing I was being cruel by not acknowledging any of his attempts.

However, he was undeterred and didn't look negatively affected by my neglect. Instead, there was a spark in his eye that told me he was going to push forward.

"What is it you miss so much about being human?" Emmett asked instead, ice collecting on the ends of his newly cold and vampiric fingers as he traced patterns in the snow.

I took a deep breath of the frozen air around me, metaphoric for the frozen time loop I'd pulled him into.

"Change." I settled on a word I knew could encompass it.

"Things can still change, Rose." He suggested tenderly.

"Not like I'd want them to." I said, believing this strongly.

He opened his mouth to speak, but a boyish nervousness filled his eyes as he decided against it.

"What's your mother's name?" Emmett asked randomly, his eyes full of genuine interest as he changed the subject.

He waited, listening to hear what I had to say not just to respond.

At a question so simple, I stumbled through my thoughts. No one'd ever listened to me like his gaze promised he would.

"Lillian." I responded. "It's my middle name."

Emmett smiled.

"And your father?"

"Robert." I nodded, feeling the slightest bit of nostalgia for the way his pipe used to smell as he smoked in the evenings.

"What were they like?" He asked, his eyes darting over my face.

"Well, they were parents…" I sighed, not knowing exactly how to put it.

He waited.

"My father worked at the bank, and my mother was…" I tried to think of any defining quality of my mother, but I honestly didn't know anything bout her identity outside of me. "In charge of the debutante ball in town."

"What is that?" He puzzled.

"Well, it's like cotillion." I expanded, but this was still not enlightening to him. "It's when young women are officially presented to society. They dress up and dance and are introduced and have to perform a curtsy."

"Why?" He asked me.

"Well, because." I didn't really ever think of a reason. It was just tradition. "It shows grace and poise and good manners, and it is an important society debut. It means you've reached maturity and you're ready to be considered for marriage."

Emmett had a weird look on his face.

"That sounds real fancy. Like old time princess type stuff. Did you do that?" He asked.

I clenched my jaw.

"Yes."

"Was your curtsy up to standard?" He raised an eyebrow, but I knew what he was really asking.

"Obviously." I answered.

"I gotta see it to believe it." He insisted jokingly.

"I've been out of practice for a while." I responded lightly.

"Excuses, excuses." He rolled his eyes with a smile.

I didn't have to worry about trembling anymore as I kept my arms around his neck. I'd gotten more comfortable if that was even possible.

"So were you?…. You know, really ready to be considered for marriage?" He asked what he'd initially set out to ask.

He was bold enough to.

"Yes." I answered tightly. "Yes, I was. My friend Vera was already married, and she'd told me the day before my debut that she was having a baby… So yes, I was ready for all of that."

"What stood in your way?" He looked over my face and I was afraid of what he'd see there.

I clenched my jaw.

"Nothing." I breathed.

He brushed my wet hair back, looking over my face with a weird look in his eyes. I couldn't read him, and I was too intimidated to.

"Did you want to go to college?" Emmett asked, completely changing the subject as if he'd sensed I'd reached my limit.

But, I knew this was also his way of tangentially trying to figure out why I hadn't married.

"No. There was not really a reason to at the time." I shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

"Girls like me didn't really go to college where I was from. We were expected just to marry well." I nodded, a sour taste in my mouth.

"Stand still, look pretty right?" Emmett hit the nail on the head.

"Something like that." I snorted a little laugh under my breath. "But I didn't really mind it at the time."

"Would you go to college now?" He asked, redirecting. "I mean, when you finish high school again in Washington?"

I hadn't thought about it, but… but I might.

"It's a possibility." I nodded, considering it.

"What would you want to study? What interests you?" He brushed a loose strand of hair from my face.

I gulped.

"I don't know. I've never thought that far ahead before." I puzzled, feeling vulnerable all of a sudden. "What about you?"

"Well, I stopped school at nine." He admitted, his eyes wide. "So I have a lot of catching up to do before then."

I just nodded, feeling uncomfortable like I'd said something wrong.

"And I didn't much pay attention before I dropped out anyways." He laughed, unburdened.

"You were reading Ernest Hemingway last Thursday." I commented on the fact he'd learned this skill swiftly. "What do you think?"

I treaded lightly though.

"He's on to something." Emmett nodded, removed. "He's the only one of those writers that actually says what he means."

"And for that same reason, I find his writing style vulgar." I shrugged.

He grinned, seeming pleased to discuss this with me simply because reading was something he knew I enjoyed.

That made my heart light.

I took a deep breath, but this was a bad idea because his perfect scent intoxicated me and I got distracted.

"What's your favorite book you've read?" Emmett asked simply to hear what I had to say.

"Oh, I don't know." I bit my bottom lip, trying to decide.

"Something flowery and indulgent I'd bet." Emmett teased with a little smile.

I felt him flirting with me, trying to connect with me on a level no one had tried to connect with me before as he picked through my brain, surfing through the curves of it and riding on the firing neurons.

"Naturally." I flirted back. "I tend to favor Romantic poetry as it is."

"Romance, eh?" He wagged his eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes.

"No, it just refers to a period of time and style in literature and…" I trailed off, knowing this wasn't going to stick anyway.

"Oh, I'm sure." He grinned childishly, dimples on full display.

"What about film? Did you ever go to the cinema?" I asked, feeling almost comfortable as we talked.

"Once in town." He seemed to try to remember then. "I can't recall what I saw."

"Human memories fade fast if you don't think of them." I acknowledged, knowing how incessantly I thought of mine.

Even though I longed to move on, I never wanted to forget…

A tinge of melancholy flooded his eyes, and so then we thought of them - a whole lot of them.

Human memories danced through our ears and poured out of our mouths as we shared them with one another in detail, treading through the icy water together.

He asked me my favorite films. I asked him his favorite songs. He laughed as I told him I'd learned to play golf only to be exceptionally terrible at it and broke a window at the country club. I grinned as he recalled what it was like to play hide and seek in a field of sunflowers. I told him about my childhood cat named Snow and he told me about the first time he fell off a horse. He talked about his friend Sam and the pranks they'd pull, and I told him about the day I met Vera and the names of the dolls I got for Christmas.

Something about being in the water, with something even that transient separating our physical forms made it so much easier to talk to him.

Even though water was far from a fortress, it seemed to protect me from feeling so exposed as we swam circles and treaded water around one another.

We could've been talking for days and neither of us would have noticed because just as we floated in the water we floated through time.

But, I noticed time passing in the way I felt being close to him and the ease in which I would be honest with him about my dreams and my fears.

I also noticed time passing in the way he looked at me, and now, holding me close, he looked down into my eyes a way I recognized familiarly.

"Don't look at me like that." I batted my eyelashes, looking down and away from his gaze.

"Why not?" He was too bold to ask in what way.

He also didn't underestimate my intelligence. He knew I was quite aware how he was looking at me.

He was looking at me like he was going to kiss me.

I gave him a little smile before I pushed away without an answer, retreating underwater and swimming to the other bank of the lake.

I was being ripped apart then, my heart and my body and my mind all reaching in opposition.

Then, like a wave, regret crashed over me.

I knew I wanted him to kiss me, but something about it still kept a sick feeling deep in my stomach and this time it wasn't the physical closeness.

Emmett was unbothered by my rejection though, swimming through the icy water in a sort of self-satisfaction that didn't require me. He was enchanted by the wonder of the world around him, looking into the heavens and seeing the sky turn a beautiful array of colors for a new day.

A new beginning.

His eyes darted east to a little cliff coming up out of the water. I immediately knew his intent and watched a devilishly handsome smile spread across his face.

"Come on, we have to jump." He reached above him, pushing off to climb.

Though he climbed without effort or strain, the muscles of his back flared like a fire under his skin, and I couldn't help but notice… his body.

God in heaven.

"Rosalie! Come on!" He encouraged. "I'm gonna jump without you."

My gaze indulged, in a way I'd never indulged - completely objectifying him as he stood atop the cliff, ready to jump.

That's when lust over took me like a tidal wave and I realized that I'd never felt it before so it intruded noisily and clouded my mind in a way I hadn't been conditioned to control.

Life as a vampire intensified all emotions, but this one was catastrophically impactful because it wasn't something I'd felt before and it was so foreign to my body…

I cringed, hating indulging in the feel of it. It tasted bad on my tongue. It tangled with guilt as I twisted and squirmed my legs under the water.

Humiliation imprisoned me and I ducked under the water and closed my eyes tightly, the sound of being underwater calming the rampant thoughts in my head.

Above the ground, I heard a wild hooping howl and emerged up to the surface to watch Emmett fly from the edge.

Freedom.

He couldn't wait.

I clenched my jaw resolutely, looking at the sunrise as a sign.

I could do this. I wanted to do this.

I wanted to get him to kiss me.

Maybe the moment had passed, but I wouldn't let it pass for long.

But, God, it felt… wrong to want him after what I'd been through.

I felt… guilty…

I was… unclean… I was broken in and unworthy…

Shame ate at my center as I looked away, hating myself for even thinking about him making me whole again.

I was too much of a burden to bear.

And, it was a stupid thing to believe Emmett could even fill the gaping hole I had.

My stupidity with Royce had cost me more than my life.

My breath caught in my throat as I ducked to submerge myself under the heavy weight of the water again, so I could think.

But, my mind was as murky as the dark, swirling water I dove deeper into.

I was pathetic…

All this time, was I just selfishly wanting him to be better just so he could fix me?

I grew angry at myself and dove deeper into the lake.

Women weren't supposed to have desire.

Especially not a woman like me.

I clenched my jaw.

But, I wanted him to kiss me.

And that was preposterously wrong of me to want. I couldn't want that.

Wanting physical closeness was just… absurd!

Especially after…

Maybe I was just a whore.

One of them called me that… The night they…

I dove deeper.

Complexity made my thoughts so heavy they pushed me to the bottom of the lake.

But no matter how much weight of the water pushed down on me from the surface, I still wanted Emmett to kiss me and I hated myself for desiring that.

However, if I kissed him just out of sheer curiosity for the way his lips would feel on mine…

It wasn't desire. It was curiosity. So I could justify it.

Right?

That's how I decided I was going to jump.

I unthreaded my arms from the soaking wet purple coat and dress, unbuttoning it down the front. I was thankful I didn't have to undress in front of him, though I still couldn't think about actually being undressed in front of him as it was.

I decided to cross that bridge when it came, and again I justified myself by insisting there was no way I could swim or jump in that dress anyway.

Now, I could move my arms and legs wide to make snow angels in the icy water. I could move and swim and fly.

In all my nervousness, I began to feel… freedom as I cut through the icy water.

Emmett's freedom was contagious.

I let myself swim for the first time in a very long time.

Without thinking so hard and so heavily, I swam in circles. I pushed through the water, I twisted and turned and flipped and darted through it with grace.

Then, I smiled as I came to the surface and I laid my dress and coat on the snowy bank.

"Come jump!" He called beckoning me up to stand beside him.

"Not a chance." I responded with a little nervous laugh though of course there was a chance and my resolve was growing weaker and weaker.

"Please! For me!" He requested.

Being undressed in the same lake was one thing, but being undressed next to each other was another. It was safe this far away, but…

"I think I'll stay right here." I gave him a smile, but it was no consolation prize.

He wanted me there.

I wanted me there.

No more cat and mouse.

"You said you wanted things to change, but they won't if you don't jump." He spoke very bluntly, but also metaphorically and it made me clench my teeth together as I knew he was right.

One thing was for sure and that was he wouldn't let me play games with him.

He sensed my hesitation though with patience.

"You can trust me, Rosalie." He said genuinely, holding out his hand.

As much as I wanted to believe it though, I had doubts that were making my stomach heavy and weighing me down into the depths of the frozen water.

"I'll close my eyes." He swore, holding his hand over his eyes, but I could still see the boyish grin on his face that deepened the dimples on his cheeks.

I'd seen those dimples just once and I decided to place him into eternity. That decision was instant, and though he'd imagined I regretted it, I didn't.

Not one bit.

He knew my reservation, and so I hoped he'd do what I said. I was counting on it.

I bit my lip, growing weaker in my resolve, but it didn't mean my nerves weren't shot. I was a bundle of anxiousness, and my boundaries were being stretched.

"I can't see if you're coming or not." He emphasized his point of not being able to see me.

With a clench of my jaw, I scaled the cliff with swift intent.

At the end of my climb, I was able to see him inhale in a sort of anticipation.

He sensed me near.

"Keep. Your. Eyes. Closed." I ordered strongly before I pulled up the last bit before I could get my feet under me at the top of the cliff.

"I swear." Emmett had one hand over his eyes then extended the other out in front of him.

"Swear on something." I knew it was improper, but I also knew how seriously he'd take it.

"I swear on Dorothy." He did so without hesitation, rotating so his palm was upward to the ceiling.

With his own eyes closed, I was free to look at him and I did, my eyes dancing over his skin.

I purposely avoided looking… Well… South.

It was a feat to not give in to the temptation that I didn't understand or couldn't really process that seemed to call my eyes in the vulnerability of his underwear, but I was so entranced by how beautiful he was otherwise that I was easily distracted.

Not without much nervousness, I took his hand.

He inhaled, slow and deep and I watched the lovely curve of his mouth as he smiled a smile especially reserved for me.

"Keep them closed." I whispered again, guiding him forward a few steps.

He'd made the jump four or five times by now so he remembered perfectly the depth, but he let me guide him forward all the same.

With his eyes closed, I oddly felt… safe.

The world around us was far from silent, with birds and animals and the whispers of falling snow, but for the first time, my demons were silent.

My mind was clear and quiet.

I wasn't afraid.

I pulled his hand a little so that then we stood perfectly beside each other on the edge.

He kept his eyes closed and the hand that wasn't intertwined in mine over his eyes.

As I looked at him, I could see just how devoted he was to letting me trust him, to making me feel… safe.

I took a deep breath.

My eyes danced over his bottom lip and I swallowed.

I didn't dare breathe as I tested myself, moving slowly forward, and just inches from jumping off my own cliff. I felt his slow, sweet breath on my mouth and I closed my eyes, and ever… so… slowly… began to rise to my tip toes.

"You're not gonna push me in are you?" Emmett broke my concentration and I returned to my spot beside him immediately, like I'd been caught doing something I wasn't supposed to.

He really had no idea I was going to kiss him.

That irrationally pleased me.

"No." I said, and grinned like I hadn't grinned in quite a while before I tightened my grip on his hand.

"On the count of three then." He suggested the jump together, and at the signal, we both pushed off in a leap so glorious it'd bring shame to the Russian ballet.

In that moment, hanging in the sky, flying, we were infinite and the infinite didn't seem so oppressive.

In that moment, we weren't frozen like the lovers on Keats's Grecian Urn, doomed never to kiss - always to want, always to need.

I looked over in this moment, seeing his eyes still tightly closed and an exhilarated grin stretching across his face.

I loved him.

Before this realization could truly sink in, we landed in the water together in perfect unison, and together we emerged.