"And, oddly enough, he needs me, too. That part worked out better than I could have hoped." - Rosalie, Eclipse, p. 165 (Stephenie Meyer)

Quick note: Thanks for your reviews and encouragement! I truly don't feel like I deserve your meaningful compliments, but it makes my day to see how you respond. This conversation between Esme and Rosalie seemed incredibly appropriate given their pasts and their relationship of mutual respect in the canon series. It has been brewing in my mind, but I feel it was an incredibly difficult chapter to write in the sense of how heavy the subject matter is. I think there's definitely some development of Rosalie's character that is kind of happening in an explosion right now! I do appreciate your patience as I get back into a routine with school and mental health care. I really value your kindness and your reviews! Thank you for investing in me and this story!

Side note: PLEASE BE STAYING HEALTHY AND TAKING CARE OF YOURSELVES! A chapter with Dorothy is in the works of course... Lots coming up soon!

Please consider leaving a review! Every word means the world to me! Thank you immensely for your words thus far.

TW/CW: Sexual assault, PTSD

Big God

Well, you can never know
The places that I go
I still like you the most
You'll always be my favorite ghost

You need a big god
Big enough to hold your love
You need a big god
Big enough to fill you up

Sometimes I think it's gettin' better
And then it gets much worse
Is it just part of the process?
Well, Jesus Christ, it hurts
Though I know I should know better
Well, I can make this work
Is it just part of the process?
Well, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, it hurts

Esme

Rosalie was in pieces.

I'd never seen her like this.

She took shallow, swift breaths as she watched Emmett walk away with Carlisle, like having him away from her was going to rip her heart straight out of her chest.

She had a starvation for him like I'd never seen her starve for human blood. I was alarmed by the primal need in her eyes so much that I almost told Carlisle to leave Emmett here with her.

She was crumbling and he seemed to take her very skeleton with him so she was left with nothing to stand on.

I knew Rosalie was theatrical, but she was not overtly vulnerable, and now… It wasn't theatrics. It was vulnerability, so it most definitely shook me to my core.

"It's okay." I said to her, wondering if Rosalie was thinking Carlisle was angry with them.

Irrationally, I wondered if Rosalie was feeling protective of Emmett in regards to Carlisle and disciplinary action.

Carlisle was far from a violent or angry type.

"Esme…" Rosalie began in a tiny, ghostly voice, her eyes wide.

"Carlisle's not angry at you." I assured her.

Her bottom lip trembled.

"I know." She swallowed nervously. "I know."

"He's not angry with Emmett either." I said, and at just the mention of his name she seemed to get heavier.

I sensed him on her. His scent lingered on her skin and braided through her hair…

He'd been physically close to her.

Her dress was still wet and ripped up to her thigh; her jacket sleeve was torn at her shoulder. It was one of her favorite day dresses and the fabric stuck to the curves of her body in its wetness. I worried.

I imagined his hands on her and it made my stomach turn in a way I couldn't put my finger on.

"I…" She trembled.

"Are you all right?" I asked her privately, my worry raging within me like a fire.

She just nodded so it wasn't that much of a comfort. I didn't know if I believed her.

"Did he hurt you?" I asked seriously, tentatively stepping forward and into her line of vision so she couldn't avoid my eyes.

Her eyes panicked then and she frowned. The tips of her fingers traced absently across her lips.

He'd touched her there. I knew that look in her eyes. She was recalling.

Her skin held memories.

I tried to make out the patterns of his fingerprints on her.

"No. He didn't hurt me." She breathed, something tragically awestruck about her tone.

I put my hand on her shoulder lightly, but for the first time, she didn't flinch away.

She looked up into my eyes with intention, and I saw that for the first time since the moment she woke up from her change, she looked like a little girl.

A scared little girl.

"What happened?" I asked, my eyes darting to her dress.

"We went swimming." She said evenly, as if this explained everything but it didn't.

It was still a mystery.

"Rosalie, talk to me. I can help you." Concern painted my tone though I tried to keep my voice calm and even.

I exhaled, wishing to shield her from any darkness that surrounded her, but I knew that was impossible.

She lived in darkness. She was reborn from it. She'd become accustomed to it.

Her eyes softened then, and I noticed there was a light in them. After all the darkness they'd seen, all they'd suffered through, there was a light in them that was new as spring.

Then, with a dreamy but heavily significant tone she told me.

"I kissed him, Esme."

My stomach twisted in knots and my emotions went through an entire spectrum in a moment.

But then I noticed she'd said that she kissed him. Somehow this distinction seemed significant in that he'd let her take the lead in their physical relationship.

I gave her a little smile.

Emmett was surprising in so many ways, but especially when it came to Rosalie.

This was obviously a pleasant surprise, considering the expectations placed on men and women in romantic relationships. But, beyond that, the nature of being a newborn vampire unable to process emotions effectively.

I didn't know what to say.

"That's lovely, dear." I decided on.

She just nodded, but frowned slightly something evidently running through her mind.

"Did you want that?" I asked her tenderly, trying to let her know she could be honest with me.

She crossed her arms then, taking her focus down as this struck a nerve.

I knew that consent was a very touchy topic to her, and I couldn't imagine how complex it had become in her mind. Her wants had not only been secondary, they'd been unimportant, and most tragically, they'd been violated. I wondered then if she even knew what she wanted. Did she know that what she wanted mattered?

Did she even know how to want?

Rosalie clenched her jaw tightly, and I saw that she was trying to turn her words over in her head before she said them to me. Nonetheless, they seemed to fester within her awfully and she hated the taste of them.

"I… Well… I wanted…" Her voice was tiny and unsure.

I worried about her.

In this moment, I read on her face that maybe she didn't want it…

Or maybe she did until she didn't…

Did she not trust him?

Was there something that reminded her, that took her back?

Was it too fast?…

Was she just trying to please him?

Did he push her into something she wasn't ready for?

Was she triggered by a touch?

My entire body tensed up.

"I know I shouldn't but I…." Rosalie clutched her shoulders as she crossed her arms over her chest in her pursuit of invisibility.

"Shouldn't what?" I frowned. "Help me understand."

"I mean I know shouldn't… you know…. want… that." Rosalie's eyes flooded with guilt. "Want…him. But I… did and… I do… want him. I wanted to kiss him… I… want to… kiss him again…"

I exhaled, unburdened now that I knew of her willingness and consent, but Rosalie seemed disgusted with herself and her desire. She seemed to be crawling out of her own skin, disjointed and disassociated.

"That's perfectly all right." I nodded, trying to convince her.

"No it isn't." She grimaced, looking away from me.

"Why?" I asked, thinking though that this would open her up.

"Rosalie, you care about him don't you?" I asked this time with the intent of an answer and she knew it.

Her eyes shot up to me and she dropped her arms.

I watched her swallow the words as she looked back to the house.

"Yes. I do care about him a great deal."" She said through her teeth as if she were confessing a sin to a priest.

But, it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever said and I didn't even truly have to pull it out of her.

I saw the change in her, the way life had returned to her face as she admitted this to me.

I exhaled, a smile easily found in my face then.

She seemed to despise the vulnerability that her words revealed and even in her new life, she frowned, turning away from me.

"Then Rosalie, it's all right to… want… to be close to him. That's normal and…."

I treaded lightly.

"No it isn't." Her voice rose in pitch, cutting me off like a knife. "Not for me."

A tinge of panic rose in her tone and flashed across her expression.

She meant a woman like her that had been beaten and broken. A woman like her that had been raped and abused. A woman like her that had been invaded brutally on the very deepest of levels. A woman like her that had darkness thrust upon her. A woman like her that had been violated and betrayed. A woman like her that had her innocence ripped away from her.

A woman like her that was still just trying to remember how to put one foot in front of the other and make it through the day…

My heart broke as I bore witness to the pain of her journey.

A journey very different, but still similar to my own.

She seemed to be begging for me to keep pushing and talk about what was plaguing her though it was painful.

"It can be." I whispered.

Rosalie shook her head as if to deny me.

"Rosalie, you can heal." I told her.

"I don't want to talk about this." She said quietly, but I wasn't convinced.

"It was difficult for me to trust Carlisle in the beginning - to trust him not to treat me like my first husband had." I told her candidly, speaking with her about this as I hadn't spoken to anyone but Carlisle.

"It's not the same." Rosalie frowned seeming to hate me comparing our journeys, but that's not what I was trying to do at all.

"I'm not comparing… what happened to me with…"

Rosalie iced me out, turning away from me then.

"I'm just trying to relate to you." I said quietly.

"No one can relate to me." Rosalie growled under her breath.

"Then, I'm just trying to keep you from isolating yourself any further." I said matter of factly.

Rosalie didn't retreat, but she didn't surrender as she looked over at me then, taking a deep breath.

"I'm just trying to say that what happened to you in Rochester, Rosalie…" I began, hating the way these words brought such pain to her eyes. "That doesn't have to be the only thing that will ever happen to you. But it will be if you don't open yourself up to the possibilities of this life. You can know happiness. I know that's what Carlisle intended when he changed you. For you to have the opportunity for a different end to your story."

She clenched her fists, her jaw tight and her perfect lips pressed into a hard line. She seemed to vibrate with rage.

I tried to remain steadfast.

"Yes, he wanted me to satisfy Edward's loneliness." Rosalie raised an eyebrow in challenge.

I huffed, knowing this was something she was holding onto. I didn't want to discount her.

"You know it was more than that." I said under my breath.

"To satisfy Emmett this time though, right?" She rolled her eyes, but her voice braided around his name beautifully even as she spoke this in disdain.

"No. To satisfy yourself." I pushed. "What do you want, Rosalie? What do you want out of these years that stretch ahead? They're going to come and go regardless, and don't you want to find some sort of happiness in them?"

I watched her exterior begin to crack and her icy eyes begin to melt, but I knew she wouldn't answer so I went on.

"You haven't given up hope for yourself, Rosalie. I see it. That's why you had Carlisle change him. There had to be some sort of hope in you that day, Rosalie or you wouldn't have brought him to Carlisle. Hold on to that hope, Rosalie because in all this darkness it's all we have." I tried to plead with her without getting too emotional in my voice, knowing that irked her and seemed like weakness to her. "I… I know what hopelessness looks like. I know the things it can make you do. I don't want that for you."

I tried to remain as level and rational as possible.

"Do you know why I jumped off that cliff, Rosalie?" I asked her, knowing full well that in the story I'd first told her, I'd told her I fell.

Her brow furrowed, her eyes darting over my face but before she could respond, I spoke.

"My baby… died… My entire reason for living was ripped away from me." I said, and the words ripping through my throat torturously.

Rosalie took an inhale that shouldered my pain, but I looked at her and I saw a daughter… I wanted to take every pain from her heart. I wanted to carry her every burden. That's why I told her.

"I didn't… I didn't know you…" Rosalie's voice was ghostly and haunted.

"That was all I wanted in the entire world, to be loved and to love in return…" I recalled the little fingers and toes, shaking my head to shake the pain of what I'd never possess.

"I won't ever have another child. I won't ever look down into the eyes of a baby that's half me and half Carlisle. I won't sing a child to sleep in the rocking chair that my father made for me. I won't get those things I so desperately wanted - and still want… I'll carry that around with me for eternity, all those gaps in me…"

"Those gaps still exist, but… I got this life as a way to remind me that there is still hope. Selfishly, I imagined I have this life because I deserve to get some of what I imagined for myself, and this is my chance to do it. It isn't all or nothing. Some of it is still possible, and something out there can make me forget about those gaps I have…"

"I wanted to be loved… And now, now I am loved with a sort of love I couldn't have fathomed before. Carlisle gives my every second purpose and reason, and he fills those holes in my heart." I went on, and I shivered at the heaviness of the conversation knowing I couldn't even begin to articulate what Carlisle and I meant to each other.

"So no, Rosalie, you won't have everything you wanted from a human life… But, I still believe you deserve to have all the happinesses this life can give you. I want that for you, Rosalie. Truly. Carlisle and I both do."

She kept my gaze, staying locked in this moment with me as she processed my words.

Something brewed in her eyes that I didn't understand.

"When he was kissing me… I didn't want him to stop." Rosalie admitted, obviously embarrassed, but convicted enough as if she had to tell me. "I… I liked it."

I flinched only slightly, just because the discomfort over the details of their intimacy was fresh to me and because that's not what I was expecting her to say.

She noticed though, imagining that what she'd admitted was as awful as she imagined it to be.

"Because… Because it was the first time anybody'd kissed me like that…" Rosalie breathed, her fingers tracing over her lips. "Like…"

"Like they care about you?" I suggested.

She nodded as if she couldn't bear to say the words out loud herself as a bad omen.

I couldn't help but give her a little smile, but she was mortified, keeping her eyes down, making it obvious she had more to say. She was trying to gather the courage to say it. However, what came out of her mouth next I never would have expected.

"And… that… much." Rosalie admitted

That's when I looked into her eyes and I saw a flick of what looked like bloodlust.

But… it wasn't bloodlust.

It was just… lust.

I couldn't help but giggle a little in my discomfort and awkwardness, but Rosalie was grave, shame in her expression now.

"I understand." I told her she need not say any more on the subject, but I was sensing the desperation in her so I just cleared my throat to mask my giggle.

I was ultimately unprepared for how openly she was speaking.

"No… You don't understand." Rosalie mumbled now. "It was the first time we kissed, but I… I wanted… everything."

I clenched my jaw, just nodding. I knew she was referring to sex though she wouldn't dare admit it out loud.

And, she was still a lady.

"Because… it all felt… so good…. and…" Rosalie exhaled shakily. "He was so… It was so easy to trust him and…"

Her candid nature was taking me aback, but I tried to be a soft place for her to land.

He enchanted her…

I worried she'd been blinded…

Then, I worried he'd gotten carried away. It was easy to do as a newborn, but doubly as easy as a man…

"I… I just… felt… so whole." Rosalie went on. "And…"

Suddenly though, I understood what she was actually saying and it made my stomach hurt.

She'd exploited their intimacy to heal her, not to be close to him.

"He made me forget…" Rosalie breathed, something far away in her eyes.

She'd used him to erase, not to rewrite, and now she knew it.

She'd taken advantage of him, not the other way around.

I knew then that what that kiss meant to him wasn't what it meant to her and she was struggling with coming to terms with that.

Their physical relationship had meant something different to the two of them, and that was a glaring elephant in the room.

"I wanted… to keep going… It was so easy to go too far with him…" Rosalie ran her hands through her hair, obviously stressed and this phrase stuck out in my mind.

She acknowledged it was too far…

"But then, I… I pushed him away because I…" She breathed shakily. "And, I didn't really want to push him away, but I… I did and…"

Pain and fear painted her tone.

"Rosalie…" I exhaled, opening my heart to take on her torturous suffering as she shared it with me.

She ducked her head then, covering her face with both of her hands.

"Rosalie…" I cleared my throat, signaling the discomfort with which I was beginning this conversation. "We live in a very different world now than the one I grew up in, the one Edward grew up in, and of course the one Carlisle knew."

"It's not… improper for a woman to…" I took a deep breath. "Want… things."

She was mortified then, outwardly groaning to signal her despair with this conversation.

"Your… desire is not something to be ashamed of." I said, trying not to let my awkwardness shine through my tone.

"Oh my God." Rosalie's shoulders got high and tense.

I hated this conversation just as much as she did, but I yearned to share my wisdom and experience with her because she needed it.

"But, I want to make sure that you're letting it come from the right place." I told her.

She kept her face covered, but I continued.

"I want you to know there is a healthy way to experience intimacy even after all you've been through." I started evenly.

She cringed and I knew she imagined I meant sex.

"Rosalie listen…" I frowned. "Intimacy isn't just… sex."

"Esme, for Christ's sake…" She groaned, but her body seemed to tense at just the mention of the word.

"Do you know that?" I asked.

"Don't patronize me." She growled, turning away.

"Rosalie. I'm not trying to patronize you." I tried again and she paused.

"I can't do this." She told me.

"You can." I encouraged. "It's important for you to know what healthy intimacy looks like."

I was overcome with maternal instincts, and an otherworldly protective instinct seemed to give me all the right words to say.

"I don't want to talk about this. Please." Rosalie's pain seemed to fill her eyes then.

"Rosalie, I care about you. I want to be an advocate for you. I'm on your side." I said. "Woman to woman."

She clenched her jaw, her bottom lip trembling.

"I want you to feel safe." I told her honestly.

"Do you feel safe?" I asked, giving her room to answer me.

She took a deep breath, but eventually nodded.

That seemed to open and bloom a new confidence in me as I continued.

"If you love him…" I began, but she flinched. "If you care for him…"

I edited myself.

"Then it's healthy and perfectly natural to want to share intimacy or closeness physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, all of it. Intimacy isn't physical affection."

Rosalie remained icily tense, her eyes away from me.

"Physical affection is just one facet to express intimacy. It isn't intimacy." I went on. "Does that make sense?"

She furrowed her brow.

"And if you're uncomfortable with physical affection as an expression of the intimacy you share with him, you don't have to use that avenue of expression. There are others."

"All right." Rosalie seemed to allow this to resonate.

It gave me confidence to continue as she really seemed to marinate in this wisdom.

"Intimacy can be talking or laughing or sitting in the same room silently reading and knowing that you're just there for one another." I went on. "You don't have to be physically involved to be close to him."

She nodded.

I waited, because it looked like there was something brewing in her mind.

Moments later she did speak.

"But, Esme, that's the thing… I did want to kiss him…" She said, seeming emotionally vulnerable now. "Until… I didn't…"

"Help me understand." I told her, giving her space to open up because now it was evident she knew she needed to.

Rosalie ran her hands through her hair, twisting some strands around and around.

"I… well… It felt right until… I just… I felt… shame."

I nodded.

Control.

What Royce did to her… What he let his friends do to her… It was the most disgusting attack on her body, but it was a tragic recurring attack on her sexuality.

"There's nothing you have to be ashamed of, Rosalie… But, you have to know that you're still healing." I told her. "Be patient with yourself."

She frowned, not liking imagining this was a residual scar of her experience, though I could see she'd begun to accept it.

"So, as you're healing I think it might be helpful for you to acknowledge where your desire came from and check if it's from a healthy place." I told her.

"I don't know…" She mumbled.

"Try." I encouraged.

"I just… at first… I wanted him…. Because I… I trusted him and… he made me feel… safe." She barely whispered as if she was afraid of being heard. "But then I… I don't know I started wanting more… I wanted to be… whole and it felt like… it felt like he could make me."

I waited seeing it evidently started in a healthy place before it had been tainted.

"He… asked me if I was sure before we…" She said under her breath, seeming to recall the shift in their physical relationship and I watched her map it in her mind.

"Were you?" I asked, trying not to shiver.

"I thought so." She said darkly. "But then… I started thinking that maybe if… If he had me… Then it'd…. erase that… that Royce… that they'd… I was so stupid…"

Rosalie crossed her arms tightly, hating admitting this so she kept her eyes away from me and her voice low.

"You're not stupid." I assured her, worrying about the details.

"I pushed him away, but I… I didn't want to but I'm glad… I… didn't…" She was glad she didn't have sex with him because I saw now she acknowledged she was coming from an unhealthy space.

"You can change your mind at any point, Rosalie. You have the right." I told her strongly. "Did he respect that?"

"I know… And he did… So much…" Rosalie nodded. "But, that's why it was easy to go too far with him. I… I wanted too much… and he was so… good to me…"

I sympathized in an exhale, imagining all too clearly that she'd crossed lines she wasn't ready to cross and didn't know until she crossed them.

She couldn't go back. Neither could he.

"I thought if I was his I'd stop being theirs…" She breathed.

My dead heart sank in my chest.

"I… I don't have all the right things to say, and I don't have the best advice all the time, but Rosalie… Your body is your own. It's not anyone's but yours. No one else." I told her with deep conviction. "I think when you finally know that you don't have to… belong to anyone else, that will be extremely liberating for you."

She clenched her jaw, keeping her eyes distant from me.

"You're your own, Rosalie." I told her.

She had a hard time letting this resonate, but I saw it brewing in her eyes.

"Physical connection is not something that happens to you, Rosalie. It's something you experience with someone." I tried to make her see.

"I know that." She said, as if to just get me to stop talking not as if she really believed it.

I took a deep breath noticing her crumble all anew because she couldn't articulate what she meant and I wasn't understanding.

"So help me understand…" I prodded. "Why do you think you pushed him away?"

"I just… I was there… Until I… I was in Rochester and…" Rosalie seemed genuinely upset, emotions making her voice shake. "He was… Emmett was himself until he was… him."

"I… hate that… I hate…" She clenched her fingers in her hair, shutting her eyes tightly.

"Oh, Rosalie. I appreciate your honesty. I know it isn't easy for you." I said softly, trying to tread lightly as I winced at that harsh reality.

Rosalie retreated though, hating this conversation and hating that she'd admitted out loud that she'd connected Emmett to something so… horrible.

She didn't know how to disconnect the two and it was tangling in her as we spoke. She wanted what she and Emmett were experiencing to be separate from what Royce and his friends did to her, but it was all muddled together in her mind.

I didn't have any real answers, but… God, it was painful seeing her look to me for some.