Chapter One
Winter sat at the kitchen table drawing a picture in the notebook her Aunt Kristin had gotten her for her birthday. She had just turned four. She was the cutest little thing with her mommy's dark curls and her aunt's bright blue eyes. "Look, Aunt Kristin. I am writing my name," Winter said happily as she wrote a huge W on the page.
"What are you drawing, honey?" Kristin asked her niece.
"It's a picture of my family. See, there's Mommy. She's so tall and pretty. And there's me. I am the little one, but I look like Mommy. And up there in the clouds - that's Daddy. He lives in the clouds now, cuz he's in heaven. Mommy said that's where he is now," Winter said as she pointed out the different parts of her drawing. "Do you like my picture, Aunt Kristin?"
"I think it's amazing," Kristin said as she pulled Winter onto her lap. Her own son BJ was taking his nap, so it gave Kristin quality time to spend with her precious niece.
"Aunt Kristin, can you talk to me about my daddy? Mommy doesn't talk about him much. I miss him, but I never even knowed him. Why did he have to go away to be in heaven?"
Kristin tenderly caressed Winter's curls. "Well, honey, he didn't want to go to heaven. He wanted to stay with your mommy so he could meet you, but he died too soon. I'm sorry your mommy doesn't want to talk about it, but she loved your daddy so much. She misses him."
"I know. Sometimes she cries. She doesn't know I hear. She thinks I'm asleep. She always plays that song."
"What song?"
"The one with the hearts," said Winter. "I wish I could talk to my daddy. I want to tell him I am four. Do they have telephones in heaven?"
Kristin gently kissed the top of Winter's head. Her niece always smelled like strawberries and sunshine. "No, sweetie, they don't have telephones in heaven, but you could write your daddy a letter in your new notebook. I could help you."
"Ohhh would you, Aunt Kristin? I want to write a lot of letters to my daddy, so he knows he has a little girl."
"Of course I will help you write the letter, but your daddy already knows. He looks down from heaven and he knows he has the best daughter a daddy could ever want or need. He's so proud of you. You're such a sweet girl."
"I love you," Winter said as she picked up a colored pencil. It was purple. "Let's write Daddy's letter in purple. It's my favoritest color."
Kristin smiled. "Okay then, what would you like to say to your daddy? I'll write it down."
Winter thought for a couple of minutes, then she began to dictate her first letter to her father. It said :
Dear Daddy,
I am four years old now. My Aunt Kristin is helping me write this letter. She got me a new notebook I can keep all my letters in for you. I just wanted to tell you I miss you, Daddy, although I never gotted to see you. I never saw you because you went to heaven before I was borned. Mommy misses you. Sometimes when I am posed to be sleeping, I hear her crying when she plays that song - the one that reminds her of you. Aunt Kristin misses you, too. She tells me all about you. We have your picture in a frame. I will write again soon. Love you bunches.
Hugs and kisses,
Winter Kristin Carter
Kristin had tears in her eyes when she finished writing the letter. "Do you think Daddy will like it, Aunt Kristin? Do you think it will make him happy?" asked the little girl.
"Ohhh yes, sweet girl. Your father would be so happy if he could read this letter. I want you to keep writing to your daddy whenever you miss him. Okay?"
"Alright," Winter said as she closed the notebook and set it aside. "Can I go check on Bri-Bri now and go see if he's awake? I want him to play with me."
Kristin nodded. It was about time that Brian Junior, her son whom she affectionately nicknamed BJ, would be waking from his afternoon nap. BJ and Winter could play for a couple of more hours before Wendy got off work. Kristin enjoyed spending time with her niece while Wendy was working and it gave BJ a playmate. The cousins were so close that they were almost like siblings. They were complete opposites, but quite a pair.
Winter hopped down off her Aunt Kristin's lap and ran off to check on her cousin. He was only a year younger than Winter and quite a handful. Winter was usually sweet, quiet, and serene. In contrast, BJ was the wild one. He was boisterous and full of energy. As Brian said, he was 'all boy'.
Kristin let the kids have fun in the playroom as she did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. When they wanted a snack, she prepared crackers and peanut butter with cups of milk. Winter ate hers with a lady-like grace beyond her years while BJ ate his food like a pint-sized savage, leaving a sticky mess everywhere he touched. When Kristin told him to be more careful, he just let out a wicked little giggle. BJ didn't talk much. He usually let Winter do all the talking.
"Bri- Bri says he wants another cracker," Winter said as if she could read her little cousin's mind.
Kristin placed another cracker near her son's reach, then she grabbed a warm, wet washcloth so she could wipe up the sticky mess. She then tried to clean BJ's little face, but he fought her, then ran off into the playroom. Kristin sighed. It was a constant battle to keep her child clean.
Winter was in the playroom with BJ again when Wendy arrived after work. "Hey," Kristin said as she greeted her sister-in-law. "How was work?"
"It was fine. Working with Mom is always adventure. She was EXTRA cheerful today," Wendy said with sarcasm.
"Ohhh I bet."
Wendy picked up Winter's new notebook and took a seat at the kitchen table. She said nothing as she felt the remnants of a sticky substance on the table's surface. "Has Winter been drawing her pictures again?" Wendy asked. "You know she loves this notebook. I think she might be an artist... or maybe even a writer."
"Wendy, we need to talk. It's about Winter," said Kristin as she sat down at the table and made it known that the conversation was one of a serious nature.
"What's going on?" Wendy asked.
"She's been asking a lot of questions... about Warren... and today she asked me why he had to go to heaven."
Wendy's eyes widened. She had always dreaded that day, when her little girl would might ask how her daddy died. It was so awful. How could she ever tell her daughter that her father had been shot and killed?
"What... what did you tell her?" Wendy asked.
"I didn't tell her what really happened, but Wendy, you need to talk to her. She needs you."
"Okay," Wendy said softly, because she had always tried NOT to mention Warren. She didn't want Winter to see her tears. She was always so afraid of breaking down. She always did everything in her power to keep her emotions in check.
Just then BJ came into the room and ran up to his Auntie Wendy. He was covered in a thin sheen of peanut butter upon his hands and face. The little kid with his mother's bright red hair always had some sort of food smeared all over him. He was like a little tornado as he ran up to Wendy and whimpered to be held.
Wendy smiled at her cute little nephew and lifted him into her lap. She felt his sticky fingers on her arm as she tried not to cringe. "Uhhh... Kristin, he's sticky," Wendy said as BJ smudged Wendy's dress with his peanut-butter covered fingers.
"Mommy!" Winter called out as she came out the playroom and rushed over to her mother. "Is your work over? I missed you. You've been gone a LONG time."
A huge smile spread out over Wendy's face when she saw her little girl. Her curls were unruly and her eyes sparkled a perfect blue. Just like Wendy, Winter preferred to wear dresses. She was quite the little vision as she smiled at her mom.
Wendy kissed the top of BJ's head and then handed him over to Kristin. "Thanks for keeping Winter today. Give Brian my love," Wendy said. "I am going to go home and start dinner for Winter."
"Yeah, Brian will be home soon and he'll be hungry, too. Men... they're always hungry."
Wendy didn't comment as she gathered up Winter's things. Winter said her good byes to her Aunt Kristin as Wendy walked out the door. Winter was carrying her notebook, so proud of the letter she wrote to her daddy.
"Guess what, Mommy. I am a big girl now," Winter said to Wendy on their way home. "I wrote a letter to Daddy and Aunt Kristin helped."
Wendy wasn't expecting that, although she was aware that Winter had abundant curiosity when it came to Warren. Other children in her playgroup had their daddies and Winter was the only one who didn't. Wendy knew that Winter longed for a father figure. It just wasn't fair that Warren was gone and he never had the chance to meet his sweet little girl.
Wendy's eyes were misty when they entered their apartment. It was her sanctuary, the place where she and Warren had made their home. When Winter was a baby, she had kept a crib in the bedroom, but now that her daughter was growing, she had given Winter the bed. Wendy now slept on the pull-out sofa in the living room. Brian and Kristin kept insisting that they needed a bigger place. Wendy had to admit it was getting rather crowded in the little one bedroom apartment. Despite the cramped quarters, Wendy had a hard time giving the apartment up. It would be like giving up a piece of her past with Warren - a piece that could never be replaced. She just wasn't ready to take that step.
It would appear that Wendy wasn't ready for a lot of things. And right now, she wasn't prepared to have the talk with Winter that she had been dreading. "What would you like for dinner tonight?" Wendy asked as she strode into the kitchen.
"Aunt Kristin made us spaghetti for lunch," Winter stated. "I don't care, Mommy. We can have anything."
"How about a tuna fish sandwich?" Wendy asked, because she didn't have the energy for anything else.
"Yummy!" Winter said with as smile. Wendy fixed a sandwich for her daughter and placed it on a plate. She put the plate on the table along with a glass of milk.
"Aren't you going to eat, too, Mommy?"
"I'm not hungry, sweetheart. I had a big lunch," Wendy lied. The thought of food turned her stomach, because she had to talk to Winter about Warren.
Winter sat down at the table and ate her sandwich. She sipped her glass of milk as she sat across from her mother.
"Baby, we need to talk," Wendy said to her daughter. "Aunt Kristin told me about your letter; the one you wrote for your daddy."
Winter nodded, finishing off her glass of milk. "I drew a picture, too... of you, me, and Daddy. I drew Daddy in the clouds, cuz he's in heaven."
Wendy nibbled on her lower lip, trying not to cry. She would hold back the tears that threatened to flow. She must.
"Can I read the letter?" Wendy asked.
"Okay," Winter said as she handed Wendy the notebook. "The picture is on the first page, then there's the letter that Aunt Kristin helped me write to Daddy."
Wendy opened the notebook and saw the picture. She saw the huge W in the corner; Winter's rudimentary attempt to write her name. Then she turned the page. As she read the words on the page, her vision began to blur. She couldn't help it. She was crying. The tears started falling upon the words her daughter had asked Kristin to write.
"Ohhh Winter," Wendy said. "This letter is so beautiful."
"Come here," Wendy urged as she opened up her arms to her little girl.
Winter got up from the table and ran to her mother, hugging her tight. Very gently, Winter traced the trail of tears on Wendy's cheek. "You're crying, Mommy."
"I am. I'm crying because I love your daddy so much... and I'm so proud of you, my little girl."
"Why don't you talk about Daddy much? Why do you play the song with the hearts at night... then you cry?"
"The song with hearts?" Suddenly then Wendy knew exactly what Winter meant.
"Ohhh," she said as she picked Winter up and walked over to the stereo. She switched the knob, then the music began to play. It was her and Warren's song. It been perfect for them.
"It's called Total Eclipse of the Heart. Your daddy and I really loved this song."
Wendy reached into the stereo cabinet and picked up Warren's framed photograph. She placed it in Winter's tiny hands. "When you're asleep sometimes, I think of your daddy. I miss him so much."
"It's okay to cry, Mommy. It's okay, because you miss him."
"Ohhh Winter," Wendy said with a little sob. She realized then that she had been holding back all of her emotions, hiding them away just as her mother had always done. She didn't want to turn out like her mother. She wanted better for Winter.
"You're right, sweetie. It is okay to cry... and it's okay to miss him," Wendy agreed, hugging her little girl. She set the framed photo aside as she gazed at her precious daughter. "You know, I think from now on, we are going to talk about your daddy a lot. You can ask me all the questions you have about him. And I can share some pictures and memories with you, too."
"Can I see the scrap... What did you call it?" Winter asked eagerly.
"A scrapbook. No, not tonight. I think it's time for you to get ready for bed."
Winter looked disappointed, but Wendy reassured her. "Tomorrow," she promised. "We'll talk about your daddy... and I will show you the special scrapbook."
Winter smiled and kissed her mother's dampened cheek. "I love you, Mommy."
"I love you so much, Winter. More than the sun and all the stars that shine in the sky," Wendy said. "I love you more than anything."