Chapter 20: Borrowed Angels
Santana's father's funeral was the next day, Saturday. Santana's mother helped her into a long black dress and put black flats on her feet. Santana left her hair up in a mid-high ponytail and no jewelry. Her mother wore a black maternity dress.
Santana and her mother drove to the funeral parlor in silence, Santana looking out the window at the scenery that passed.
When they got to the building, both women exited the car, going inside. They were there before everyone else to help set up the room.
Santana watched as two men rolled in an empty casket to put at the front of the room where the services would be held. It would be a closed casket because they had already cremated her father but they were waiting until Santana had gotten out of the hospital to hold the funeral.
Santana watched as they set out putting up flowers all around and lighting candles. Santana had to turn away as they took in a large picture of her father on a picture stand, setting it near his casket.
Friends and family started arriving shortly after they had finished getting everything together. Rachel came in and immediately went to Santana. She was in a knee length black baby doll dress and her hair was pulled back into a bun.
Rachel kissed Santana's cheek gently, "Hi Sweetie."
"Hey," Santana looked up at her, grabbing her hand.
Rachel just gave her hand a soft squeeze as people kept filtering in and giving her mother and Santana their condolences.
When it started, Santana and Rachel went to sit at the front with her mother, Santana sitting at the end of the isle in her chair while Rachel sat next to her, holding her hand.
The priest stood up at the front and began, rambling off words that Santana wasn't really paying attention to. He talked about moving on from this world and waiting on the other side but that was all Santana really caught.
When he was finished with his speech Santana's mother stood and went to the front to say a few words about her husband.
She looked down for a second before she started talking, her voice cracking, "When you get married you promise, 'tell death do us part'. You always think that it won't happen until you are retired and you have a long life together. We were only married for 18 years and that's longer than a lot of marriages last, but it still doesn't feel long enough. Carlos was taken from us long before he should have been and my child will never know his or her father because someone was breaking a law. It makes you feel hopeless and you want to give up but you look at your daughter and you think of the life you are holding and you know that you have to get through it and be strong because you are the only one left to be strong for them. I wake up every morning and I forget for a second, I reach out to grab him and I am met with an empty bed, then I remember it all and it's like I lost him again and again… I love you Carlos and I hope you have found peace."
Maria sat down with tears streaming down her face. The priest gave her a second before he looked to Santana, "Is there anything you want to say?"
Santana shook her head and looked down, tears falling down her face. Rachel gave her hand a squeeze then stood up, "I have something to say about Carlos Lopez."
The priest nodded and stepped aside as Rachel walked up to the podium. Rachel pulled out some papers and started to read, "Forget thee? If to dream by night and muse on thee by day; If all the worship deep and wild a poet's heart can pay; If prayers in absence breathed for thee to Heaven's protecting power; If winged thoughts that flit to thee a thousand in an hour; If busy fancy blending thee with all my future lot- If this thou call'st forgetting, thou, indeed, shalt be forgot! Forget thee? Bid the forest-birds forget their sweetest tune; Forget thee? Bid the sea forget to swell beneath the moon; Bid the thirsty flowers forget to drink the eve's refreshing dew; thyself forget thine own dear land, and its mountains wild and blue. Forget each old familiar face, each long-remember'd spot- When these things are forgot by thee, then thou shalt be forgot! Keep, if thou wilt, thy maiden peace, still calm and fancy-free, for God forbid thy gladsome heart should grow less glad for me; Yet, while that heart is still unwon, oh! bid not mine to rove, but let it nurse its humble faith and uncomplaining love; If these, preserved for patient years, at last avail me not- Forget me then; but ne'er believe that thou canst be forgot! That poem was written by John Moultrie. This poem makes me think of all of the things that we never think about, that we ever give a second thought to, the people we meet and then just forget. Carlos will never be forgotten, he meant so much to so many people. He touched the lives of everyone he met and gave light to everyone. I didn't know him well myself but I knew him enough to know that this tragedy was wholly unnerving and could have been avoided if someone had followed a law. But now he is gone and we need to move on but never forget the life lost."
Rachel stepped down and went back to Santana, sitting next to her again. Santana took her hand and looked at her, tears falling. Rachel leaned over and took her into her arms, rubbing her back soothingly.
A few other of Santana's relatives and her father's friends and colleagues said something about Carlos. When they were all done the Glee Club sang something for her father, Santana and Rachel staying in their seats but singing along with everyone else.
Afterwards they went to Santana's house for the wake. There was soft music playing and there were refreshments but Santana and Rachel stayed in the corner, making small talk with people who came up to them.
Santana didn't really want to be there and Rachel could tell by the look on her face. So the young diva excused them and took Santana into the garage where she knew no one would be.
"San, I want to let you know that you can talk to me whenever you need to You know that right?" Rachel looked at her.
Santana nodded, "I know Rach. I will probably talk to you about this at some point but I can't right now, my thoughts are just all mixed up."
"Maybe I can help you sort through them," Rachel told her, sitting in a chair that was out in there.
Santana sighed, "I just- I feel angry and I feel sad. But sometimes I just feel nothing. I don't know what to do because I miss him so much it hurts."
Rachel grabbed her hands as she started to cry, "I know that it hurts and I can't tell you whether it will get better because I don't know. All I know is that I will be here for you and help you get through it."
"I know Rachel, thank you," Santana whispered as she closed her eyes.
They sat in silence for a while, just holding each other's hands. They stayed out there until her mother came out and asked them to come back inside.
It didn't go on for much longer after they came back inside, everyone leaving after a few hours. They had decided to let Rachel spend the night at the Lopez house with Santana that night so Rachel kissed her fathers' goodbye before taking Santana to her room.
They laid on her bed, holding each other in silence. Santana had her head rested on Rachel's chest while Rachel ran her hands up and down her back, trying to soothe her girlfriend. Rachel kissed her head and watched her until she fell asleep.
When they woke up in the morning, Maria had made them breakfast. They ate silently downstairs in the dining room, no one having much to say.
When they were almost finished, Maria spoke up, "I have to go into work today, I won't be back until tonight. Rachel, do you think you could stay in with Santana until I get home?"
Rachel nodded, "Yeah, I can stay with her."
"Thank you," Maria smiled before standing up, going to wash the dishes.
Rachel stood and waved her off, cleaning up the kitchen.
Santana watched her before speaking up, "I have my first physical therapy session on Tuesday."
Rachel turned to look at her, "Oh, really?"
Santana nodded and bit her lip, "Do you think that you could come with me? I think I would just be more comfortable with the whole thing if you were by my side."
Rachel smiled softly at her, "Of course. Anything to make you feel more comfortable."
Santana smiled back slightly before rolling into the living room, "So what do you want to do today?"
"Do you want to sit and just watch movies?" Rachel asked.
"Sure, I could use some cuddles," Santana said, pulling on her brakes when she got to the couch.
Rachel helped her out of her seat and onto the couch, where they sat, Santana holding Rachel. They put the T.V. on, watching whatever was on Starz.
Maria came out 45 minutes later to say goodbye before she headed out to work.
They spent the whole day watching cheesy movies and making out every once in a while. It was a perfect and relaxed day for Santana in that moment. She didn't want to be pitied or coddled, she just wanted to hold her girlfriend and try to keep her mind off of the bad stuff for a little bit.
Santana knew that she would eventually have to talk about all her feeling about the accident and what has happened since then, but she just wanted to enjoy the time she had with the person she loved.
She didn't mind forgetting, not her father but all the bad that happened in her life and just focus on the good she still had. She couldn't wait to have a sibling and tell them stories about their father. She knew that she would have to help her mom out but she didn't really mind it. She could use the distraction of taking care of a baby. Plus, Santana was totally a secret baby lover, not that she would tell anyone that. Not even Rachel.
Ending the day with one last kiss from Rachel before she went home was as best as Santana could hope for after yesterday.
I know that this one is short again but at least I got it out on time. I will try to update that other book either today or tomorrow, so watch out for that. I thought that I should do the funeral and I had been thinking about using hat poem for a while now and that felt like the best place and time to do it. This song is titled 'Borrowed Angels' by Kristin Chenoweth.