Chapter 7 - Dilemmas

"Mom, which one is the A string again?"

Sam pointed to one of the four strings on the cello for her daughter. "This one."

The ten-year-old screeched out some barely recognizable version of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" on the oversized instrument. "How was that, Momma?"

Sam nodded her affirmation. "Better, Mags. Keep practicing while I get back to work."

Maggie's tongue stuck out, a sign of her intense concentration, as she attacked the strings with a new ferocity. Sam, on the other hand, discreetly slipped in a pair of earplugs so she could concentrate on the simulations instead of on the music.

Six more years wasted at this computer, trying to get everyone home. Six years working on the only solution which hadn't yet proven unsuccessful. Six years working on unraveling the threads she'd been carefully weaving together during her twelve years on board this ship.

What had she been thinking when she'd put them in this time dilation field?

A hand waved in front of her face, and Sam looked up to find her almost seventy-year-old husband. Though she smiled as she took out her earplugs, her heart panged with a fresh fear. What if he died? What if he left her alone with their kids and without a solution on this ship? She didn't think she could bear knowing that his death was her fault.

"Mags, I'm taking your mother to lunch."

The ten-year-old nodded, too immersed in her music to protest.

"What's the occasion?"

Jack interlocked his fingers with hers as he guided her out the door. "It's our anniversary."

She blinked. "What?"

He laughed at her. "Don't worry. I didn't expect you would remember. Just glad I did."

Her mouth fell open as she came into view of the mess hall. A single table, covered in a white linen tablecloth and topped with a vase sporting a single red rose, sat center stage. "Jack! Did you do all this?"

He shrugged, modestly. "With the help of our friends, yeah."

She closed her eyes in self-deprecation. "And I forgot."

Jack turned her to face him, bending at the knees so he could catch her gaze. "Sam, I knew what I was getting myself into when I asked you to marry me."

She took a moment to try to memorize the lines on his face, the lines which had come from their years together, his leathery skin smooth under her thumb. "You're too good to me."

He rolled his eyes at her sentimentality as he tugged her toward the table. "I only give as good as I get, Carter. You know that. Now, I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise?"

He grinned. "I made pizza."

She stopped, and he turned to face her. "You made what?"

"Well, a few months ago, Mitchell was telling some story about delivering pizza, and the kids were curious, so we got into gardening, and long story short, we made pizza."

"You're not kidding."

He shook his head. "Nope. In fact, Jake may have thrown his dough way higher than anyone expected, so when it comes crashing to the floor in a couple of weeks, don't say we didn't warn you."

The image of her husband and her children tossing pizza dough brought another pang of bittersweetness. Where had she been during all of their memories? At the computer, afraid that she was going to let everyone down if she did anything other than go over the same stupid simulations that had gotten them into this mess.

"What? You don't like margherita pizza?"

Sam shrugged off Jack's concern. "I'm fine. It smells delicious although I'm not entirely sure how you managed to get mozzarella cheese on board, but that's a question for another time."

"Oh, that's easy. We have a cow now."

Sam's jaw dropped. "I'm sorry, we have a what now?"

Jack locked eyes with her. "Kidding."

He guided her to the table and helped her into her seat. "We would have included you in making the pizza if this wasn't supposed to be a surprise."

Sam bobbed her head so fast, instantly reminded that she had a host of tells from the one night they'd played poker together on board. She forced herself to relax as Jack removed the metal platter from their steaming pizza. "It's a great surprise, Jack. Did the kids have fun?"

He had been about to sit down when he looked at her. "Ah. There it is."

She shook her head. "There what is?"

"What's bothering you."

She slumped to the side. "Jack, I'm just a little out of sorts. That's all."

"How can you not be when you're the only one who actually has to work on this ship?"

Her cheeks reddened, a clear sign of her shame. "That obvious, huh?"

He wrapped a hand around hers. "Only to me. Can't help that Mitchell's breathing down your neck."

"He's fine."

Jack rolled his eyes. "He's about to get shot."

Sam couldn't help but chuckle. "I know you wouldn't do it, but it's sweet that you want to defend me. The truth is, he's got a point. If I hadn't put us in the time dilation field, we wouldn't be in this predicament."

"Yeah, 'cuz we'd be dead."

She tensed. "All I'm saying is that I understand why he's frustrated. In fact, I'm just a little surprised that you, Teal'c, Daniel, and Vala aren't getting just as fed up with me as he is."

Jack poured her a glass of wine. "Hey, don't look at me. I promised to love, honor, and cherish."

She leaned in for a kiss. "Yeah, and what did I do to deserve that, hm?"

"I want it noted for the record that I did not make any of the three jokes that just appeared in my brain."

Sam's lips lifted in amusement of their own accord. "What stopped you?"

He caught her eyes with an unusual solemnity. "I sensed you really don't know. That you think this is all just a fluke."

There was something painful about having her secret revealed with so little effort. "I know you love me. That's enough."

"Maybe, but I'm not lying that I love the part of you that likes to work at your computer just as much as I love the part of you that wants to come and play with me and the kids."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Sure."

He raised an eyebrow. "Sam, I'm serious. Name one other scientist who has done half the cool things you've done."

"Rodney McKay."

"Yeah, the one time he tried to do something nearly as impressive as blow up a sun, he destroyed a solar system."

"Only three-fifths, and that's no worse than creating a black hole which would drag everything into it for millions of years to come."

"I guarantee you that Rodney McKay isn't beating himself up about that."

Sam shook her head. "It's not about comparison, Jack. It's knowing that whether I like it, not everything I've done has left a positive mark on the universe."

"Last I checked, our world—hell, our universe—wasn't perfect, Carter."

She pulled her hand out of his. "I know that, Jack."

"Do you? You seem to think you're not a genuinely good person because of unintentional consequences outside of your control. News flash, I've done worse things on purpose, and you still love me."

"You were under orders."

He crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. "Was I under orders when I had Hammond close the iris on that racist Nazi guy?"

Her stomach clenched.

He leaned forward again. "I could see on your face that you didn't agree with me. Frankly, I was a little surprised when it didn't end up in your report, and Hammond didn't pull me into his office to find out what happened."

She swallowed, trying to get the man's pleading eyes out of her mind. "No offense, but this might be the worst pep talk you've ever given."

He took her hands in his. "All I'm saying is that you have a hundred reasons not to love me, but you do. I can't think of a single reason why I shouldn't love you, but you don't think I should. Why? Because we're on this ship? Babe, look at me. We wouldn't have this life if we weren't on this ship, in this time dilation field. For the first time since we met, we can be free to be us. You and me. I think that's pretty cool, don't you?"

She tasted the salt on her lips from the tears that didn't seem to stop streaming down her cheeks as Jack pulled her into a hug. She clung to him for several moments, wishing that she could give in as easily as he could. It wasn't that she didn't love her life, it was that there were so many other things she regretted.

"What if I'm not smart enough to fix this, Jack? What if we're stuck on this ship until that blast hits us, and we just live out an eternity between now and then? What if the power core fails? What if the only way to get off this ship is to go back in time and keep ourselves from turning on the time dilation field in the first place?"

The moment the words came out of her mouth, she realized that was her greatest fear: that the answer was in reversing time in a localized field, and that in saving her team from the blast, she would have to sacrifice her life with Jack and her kids.

Jack leaned back, and she looked into his eyes. She could see from the darkness swirling in those brown eyes that he knew the implication of going back in time. They wouldn't be able to save the kids without creating a paradox which she wasn't willing to risk. If the answer to save themselves came in the form of going back in time, she'd be giving up everything she'd ever wanted.

Then, as quickly as it had come, it was gone again. Jack kissed her temple, his arms wrapped around her shoulders like a blanket. "Right now, you don't even know if it can be done, right?"

She was only an inch away from his face as she turned to study his face. "That's correct."

"Then, let's cross that bridge when we get there."

She blanched. "That's it? Just we'll cross that bridge when we get there?"

He shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say, Sam. We can't have it all, but we're not going to be able to really make a choice until we know for sure that there's more than one option."

Sam pulled away. "Jack, do you know how many scientists have lived to regret that kind of naivete, how many scientists have made discoveries which would have been better left unexplored?"

His eyes were hooded with solemnity. "I trust you."

On the one hand, her heart soared with his faith in her. On the other, she wished he would have just made the decision for her.

"Jack, this might be the one situation in which I bring babies into this world only to be the reason they're taken out of it again."

He was quiet for a long moment. "Not the only situation, Sam. At least, you wouldn't remember."

Her heart stopped. Charlie.

The boy had appeared in conversation before, but never like this.

Sam longed to reach out to her husband, to apologize or to tell him that it would all be okay, but she didn't know if it would be. "Jack. . ."

He stood, putting the cover back on the pizza. "You know, on second thought, I'm not really that hungry."

Sam sat back in her chair as he left, hopelessness closing in on her as Jack left the mess hall.

Happy anniversary.

She didn't know what time it was when Jack climbed into bed with her. All she knew was that she had avoided their quarters until almost one in the morning on the off-chance that Jack had gone straight home, and it had been another two hours before she'd managed to close her eyes to pretend to get some rest.

She hated fighting with him. Hated the way their argument would replay in her brain, and how she would always find that one word or phrase she'd said that had gone too far. Hated that where Jack had found joy and hope, Sam was more apt to find regret and failure. Maybe it was because he didn't bear any responsibility for the time dilation field. Maybe it was because she knew too much about the physics of it all. Maybe it was that nobody looked to him for answers about how to get home.

She waited for him to roll over, to wrap his arms around her and pull her tight, but instead, she heard him snore as the draft from the ventilation shaft hit her back.

That was worse. In his defense, however, she was the one who owed him the apology. Maybe that's where the confusion lay.

"Jack?"

No answer.

She rolled over to face his side of the bed only to see his shoulders in front of her. "Jack, are you awake?"

A snort, conveniently timed, made Sam second-guess whether Jack was asleep or awake. On the one hand, convenient or not, Jack did make such sounds in his sleep. On the other, he'd been known to mock Daniel with such sounds when he was invisible and could get away with them.

She wrapped her arms around his middle, and one of his hands reflexively covered hers. "Jack, I can't sleep."

With a heavy sigh, Jack rolled over to face her. "Me either."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did."

Jack ran a hand through his hair. "Carter, it's not what you said. It was the fact that I might have two chances at fatherhood, and both end with me alone at the end. Everyone else has kids, and they get grandkids, and great-grandkids. Me? I forget to double-check my service weapon's security one time, and my oldest kid shoots himself. Then, because my life's not enough of a soap opera already, I get marooned on a spaceship with the love of my life, and in order to get home, we have to erase the two kids we got here. Just once, I'd like things to play out the way they do for everyone else."

She shifted, so that she lay beside him staring up at the ceiling, reaching for the hand closest to her. "I still could have been a little more sensitive about my fear. I mean, I'm just imagining it. You—you've lived it."

He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. "The one lesson I learned is that grief can destroy you if you let it. It can rip you from the arms of your loved ones, and it can shake you to your core. I don't think I can do it again, Sam."

"If that's the only way home. . ."

Jack guided her to look into his eyes. "No, Sam. What I mean is, I can't lose everyone I love at the same time. I'm not eager to go down that path again, but if I have to, I need you right there with me."

She pulled him close as she rested her cheek against his chest, comforted by the steady beating of his heart against her ear. "I'm not going anywhere, Jack."

He was quiet for a moment. "If we go back in time, we'll be back where we started. Sir and Carter."

The thought chilled her to her core, and she shivered even in the warmth of his embrace. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Just like that?"

She put a hand on his cheek and kissed him. "That's all we have, Jack. If our only chance to go home is in reversing time, then we have to trust that our younger selves will find their way to each other the way we did."

"Right. Because our younger selves were so good at getting a clue before now."

Sam kissed his shoulder, wanting to shake the darkness from her thoughts. "Get some rest. Tomorrow's going to come early if we're not careful."

"Sam?"

"Hm?"

"When did you know?"

"Know what?"

He was quiet for a moment. "How you felt? You know, about me?"

Her eyes widened. "Oh. Uh, lots of little things over the years."

"Such as?"

"Well, there was Janet telling me about how I'd gone cave woman on you. . ."

Jack laughed. "I forgot about that one."

"I wish I could forget. I even burned my sweet little tank top number the minute I got home from the base."

Jack snickered. "That's a shame."

"It's for the best. You wouldn't want to see it with my stretch marks."

Jack's grip on her tightened. "I wouldn't be so sure. What else besides the locker room thing?"

Sam snuggled in closer to her husband. "There was that time when Daniel said we were engaged, and you were so shocked."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "You were going on and on about regulations, and I was just angry because you were so fixated on that one detail that you couldn't seem to imagine a world where it was possible."

"God, Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

She shrugged. "I didn't even know why it bothered me until you kissed that other Samantha Carter, and I couldn't figure out whether I wanted to look away because it was a private moment or because I was jealous."

"You saw that?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't until you were trapped on Edora for three months and Janet mentioned that I missed you, and asked if it was a problem, before I started to think—"

She shook the thoughts from her mind. "What about you? When did you know?"

"On the other side of that force field, and you told me to go, and I said no. I didn't know when it had happened exactly, but I knew the moment you asked me to leave that I couldn't—wouldn't—and not just because you were a member of my team." He coughed, uncomfortable with the topic. "But you knew that already. I said that already."

She let the silence fall between them a moment longer. "Do you regret it?"

"Saying how I felt?"

She shook her head. "Leaving it in the room. Waiting so long for all of this."

Jack gestured at their small room. "Yes. All of this."

She chuckled. "You know what I mean."

"You had a lot on your mind back then. I was happy to wait for you to figure it out."

Sam sighed. "All my life, I had teachers tell me I was a fast learner, and yet, when it mattered most, I hesitated."

"You didn't want to get hurt like your dad."

Her jaw dropped. "How did you know?"

He shrugged. "It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what you meant when you asked if it was fair to ask someone to take on the possibility that you would never come back. And I still contend that Pete knew what he was getting himself into. The only person who wasn't sure was you."

She hugged his torso tightly. "I probably should, but I don't regret dating him. I had to figure out once and for all that what I felt for you wasn't just some self-sabotage, that it was real."

He kissed her temple. "Did I ever say I minded waiting?"

She shook her head as she looked up at him. "Sometimes, I wonder if I dreamed you up. Nobody could possibly be as patient with me as you have been."

"You overestimate what a chore that is."

She chuckled. "I really don't."

"Look, Sam, the whole point of the regulations was to make sure you weren't pressured into something you didn't want, right? That I couldn't use my rank to make you do something in your personal life."

"I guess that's one way of looking at it."

"I can't say there weren't some tough days, but I knew that between the regs and your experience with Jonas Hanson, you'd run if anyone put any pressure on you. So, I played the long game, knowing full well that someone like Pete might come in and snatch you up. Didn't matter to me as long as you were happy."

She scooted up so she could kiss his lips. "Yet another way you keep pretending you aren't as smart as you really are, master strategist."

He smiled against her lips. "If I were half the strategist you think I am, we wouldn't be talking right now."

She giggled. "Oh, really?"

"It is our anniversary after all."

She yawned. "I'm going to apologize right now, Jack."

He yawned beside her. "Hey, I never said I didn't mean sleep when I said we wouldn't be talking right now."

She curled up next to him as she let her eyes close. "Mm-hmm."

He brushed a hair from her face and kissed her forehead. "Sweet dreams, Sam."

She entwined her fingers with his as she gave into sleep. "Sleep well, Jack."