Disclaimer: I own nothing as usual.
Life in Radiant Garden
Operation: Sephiroth
A wintry weekend morning on Feb 23...22 year old Cloud Strife woke up in his bed, put on his house coat and went outside to get the newspaper. The three bedroom house he lived in was in the middle class district where Luneth and Ven went to last semester for the chocolate sale. His roommates, Tifa Lockhart and Luneth Topapa, were also getting ready for the day. Cloud looked at the newspaper and gasped when he saw the weather report. "Cloudy with a chance of snow? This could only be the work of," Cloud said, looking over at his neighbor from across the street.
"Morning, Strife," the neighbor said, getting his snow covered newspaper (a certain person who everyone knew).
"Sephiroth," Cloud growled.
Dressing up for work (since he lacked funds for his college tuition) at his delivery service, Cloud whistled a somewhat gleeful (melancholy to everyone else) tune.
Noticing there was something wrong with his outfit, Tifa stopped him in the hall, saying, "Er, Cloud, did you noticed that your outfit's…um, pink." He looked down and saw (to his horror) that his entire outfit was in the color scheme of pink.
"Gah, Sephiroth's struck again!" he yelled, running back in his room.
Breakfast wasn't any better. Tifa had prepared toast, eggs and cereal for everyone. Cloud came in, wearing his usual black outfit, and sat down. He picked up the carton of milk off the table and noticed that it was empty. Face turning an angry red, he yelled, throwing the carton, "We're out of milk! Sephiroth's gone too far this time!"
"Um, think you're overreacting a little?" Luneth asked.
Cloud had put on his hockey mask and found his Buster Sword (created in high school for arts and crafts; don't ask) when Luneth asked that. "Why? Just because I'm cutting my toast with the Buster Sword?" he said, using the sword to cut his three pieces of toast.
Turning to the kitchen cabinets, he jumped up, swung the blade and using it to write, he yelled, "Curse you Sephiroth!"
He managed to write the words "Curse you Sephiroth" onto the kitchen cabinets, worrying Tifa a lot.
"Um, Cloud, thanks for the extra fiber," she said, pouring out the wood dust from her coffee.
"But, I don't know why you keep blaming Sephiroth for everything. He's a perfectly nice neighbor, even though his brothers are idiots," she added, mumbling the last part.
Cloud, removing his hockey mask, gasped, telling Luneth, "Get away from Tifa, Luneth. Sephiroth put a computer chip in her woman brain and turned her against us."
He grabbed Tifa and turning her to the side, he yelled in her ear, "Sephiroth, I know you're listening! And as sure as I eat my breakfast in a hockey mask, you won't get away with this!"
"Well, so much for a normal life. Anyway, I'm off to the library to meet with Ven and the others," Luneth said.
Cloud grabbed his shoulder, saying, "Oh no, you're not!" He dragged Luneth with him and jumped on top of the table.
Pressing a big red button, the table turned into an elevator. It rose and caused the two to hit the ceiling hard. "Note to self: Install a hatch above hydraulic lift! Ow..." Cloud said.
After Tifa pried the two off the ceiling and Cloud took Luneth into his "surveillance room".
Looking around, Luneth said, "Uh, didn't this used to be my room?"
"Not anymore! Welcome to Operation: Sephiroth," Cloud said, turning on all the lights and computers in the room.
Running over to the nearest computer, Cloud turned it on and said, "For years, Sephiroth's fooled everyone with his 'good neighbor' act."
Showing pictures of Sephiroth, he added, "Lending people cups of sugar, nursing those 101 Dalmatian puppies back to health, donating a kidney and some bone marrow to save my life; yeah, like I'd really fall for that!"
"Luneth, it's time to expose Sephiroth for the monster he truly is!" Cloud yelled.
"Uh huh and how're you going to do that? You have to go to work and I got school," Luneth asked.
"We, Luneth! We! We're gonna do it! We're gonna watch that fiend 24/7 and catch him the act of evil. 'Til then, you're not leaving my side. Well, except when I go to the bathroom to try out my new kidney," Cloud said and rushed off to the bathroom.
Sighing, Luneth called the first person he knew. "Yo!" Ven said over the phone.
"'Yo'? Trying a new greeting?" Luneth asked.
"Yeah! It's cool, huh?" Ven asked.
"No, it's lame. Guess what Cloud has me doing now?" Luneth said to him.
"He's not trying another 'Stalk Sephiroth and Catch Him in the Act of Evil' plan, is he?" Ven asked.
"He is and he wants me to help. And he doesn't want me leaving his side. Aah, I'll miss the release of 'Legend of the Dragoon: Betrayal' book release!" Luneth yelled.
From the bathroom, Luneth and Ven heard Cloud yell loudly, "Gah, no toilet paper! Sephiroth has struck again!"
"Just relax and run the instant Cloud looks away," Ven told him.
"But he'll chase me on Fenrir, wielding his First Tsrugi!" Luneth panicked.
"Then…Well, I can't help you on that. Oh, Dad's asking for me. Gotta go," Ven said and hung up.
Immediately after Ven hung up, Cloud opened the bathroom door, yelling, "Code Red! Code Red!"
Cloud ran from the bathroom…with his pants down. "The moogle has left the nest!" he screamed.
"Uh, is that spy talk for Sephiroth's on the move?" Luneth asked.
"No, it's spy talk for my pants are down around my ankles," Cloud replied.
"Oh, no. That monster's entering is evil lair! Switching to inside cameras," Cloud said, pressing a button that said "Inside".
When he did, the screens turned to black. "Uh, I forgot. We don't have inside cameras."
"Do you know what this means?" he asked Luneth.
"Uh, I hope that means you're gonna put up your pants now," Luneth said.
"There's no time! And besides, that what Sephiroth would want me to do with his mind tricks," Cloud yelled.
"Luneth, we got to get a camera inside of that house and you're just the Girl Scout to do it," he added, holding up a green Girl Scout uniform.
Much to Luneth's pride shattering horror, he dressed in the outfit, plowed through the snow and headed across the street to the house of Sephiroth holding a box of cookies. "Silver-locks, this is Fenrir, do you read me?" Cloud said, over Luneth's ear piece.
"Yes, Cloud," Luneth said glumly.
"It's 'Fenrir' and use the girl voice we practiced," Cloud told him.
"Right, Cloud," Luneth said in a high pitched voice.
"Who is this?" Cloud asked.
"It's Luneth, Cloud!" Luneth yelled in his normal voice.
"Call me 'Fenrir'!" Cloud yelled, nearly making Luneth deaf. "Now, every cookie in that box has a tiny microchip inside. All you have to do is to get Sephiroth to buy those cookies!"
Luneth knocked on the door and Sephiroth (who had came home from his Olympic meeting in Paris) opened the door. He looked down at Luneth with confusion and said, "A Girl Scout? What do you need?"
"Uh, hi Mr. Sephiroth," Luneth said in his normal voice.
"Girl voice!" Cloud yelled over the ear piece.
In the high pitched voice, Luneth asked, "Would you like to buy lemon cream filled cookies?"
"Well, I'm trying to limit sweets intake for Olympics Training, but…" Sephiroth said, pondering and not trusting the "Girl Scout".
"It's only 200 munny," Luneth said to him, still in that high pitched voice.
"Eh, I guess I'll give it to Loz to stop him from whining all day," he said, gave Luneth the 200 munny.
Luneth headed back to his house and up to "Operation: Sephiroth."
Smiling evilly, Cloud activated the cookie cameras and saw Sephiroth giving his brother Loz the cookies. Loz opened the box, grabbed one of the cookies and ate it. The two saw the inside of Loz's stomach and intestines. Within moments, Loz went to the restroom and Cloud and Luneth saw the unspeakable (with the sound of a toilet flushing).
"Darn it! We've lost contact!" Cloud yelled, trying to activate another cookie camera.
"Do you know what this means?"
"Uh, that I can never un-see what I just saw?" Luneth asked, eyes bulging in horror.
"No, it means you're going back in!" Cloud yelled.
Luneth, this time, dressed as Santa Claus, was connected to a pulley system that Cloud managed to find time to build. Hovering above Sephiroth's chimney, he asked Cloud, "You really think this is gonna work? Christmas just passed two months ago!"
"Christmas will never come again if we don't stop Sephiroth at…whatever it is he's doing," Cloud said (still with his pants down) and lowered Luneth into the chimney.
In the house, Luneth saw the Jenova brothers. Yazoo and Kadaj were watching TV while Loz was running in circles in the dining room (remember, he's a bit…special). Yazoo and Kadaj noticed him and Loz stopped running, screaming "Santa!" He then tackled poor Luneth into the fireplace, nearly breaking his back.
"What is Santa Claus doing here? It's February," Yazoo asked, eyeing Luneth suspiciously.
"Santa came here early 'cause I was a good boy. Santa comes early for the really good boys and girls," Loz explained, confusing Yazoo, Kadaj and "Santa".
"What are you really here for, 'Santa'?" Kadaj asked; Yazoo and he getting off the couch.
"Uh," Luneth started.
"Santa voice!" Cloud yelled over the ear piece.
"Uh, Ho, Ho, Ho! I've brought you a stuffed panda," Luneth said, mimicking Santa Claus and holding up a stuffed panda bear with a camera bulging out of its head.
Kadaj and Yazoo were about to say something when Loz tackled them out of the way, taking the panda bear. "Ooh! I got a panda! See, be a good boy and you get presents early," Loz explained, squeezing the bear to death.
"Okay, gotta go," Luneth said and was roughly pulled up the chimney, hitting the chimney walls about six times.
Back in "Operation: Sephiroth", Cloud (still with his pants down) said, "Now let's see what that psychopath is up to!" He switched to the bear cam and saw Loz running in circles again, but this time with the bear.
"Run in circles! Run in circles! Run in circles!" Loz yelled happily.
Cloud gasped, saying, "Look at him! He's the embodiment of evil! Oh, I can't watch."
"Uh, you know that's Loz right?" Luneth asked, taking off the Santa costume.
"So? Sephiroth's placed mind control on him too to act like an idiot!" Cloud yelled.
"Cloud, get a grip! There's nothing evil about Sephiroth!" Luneth yelled.
"Gah! Sephiroth's gotten to you too! He put a chip in your little brain just like he did to Tifa!" Cloud yelled, grabbing a megaphone.
Putting it up to his ear, he yelled, "You maniac, give me back my friend!"
Tifa, after preparing a few drinks, came upstairs. "Oh, hi guys. I've brought you some pop for your 'operation'," she said.
Not trusting her, Cloud said, "That's not pop! That's mind control juice!" He jumped up and karate chopped her hands, knocking the pop cans onto the floor.
He landed onto the floor, saying, "I must escape before I too fall under Sephiroth's control!"
Finding the big red escape button, he pressed it, saying, "To the escape chute!" Sadly, Tifa was standing on the chute.
The hatch opened and she fell through screaming. "Tifa, cushion my fall!" Cloud said, jumping in after her and landing on her back hard.
"Okay, this is getting nowhere. I gotta get somebody to help me help Cloud snap out of it," Luneth said aloud. He thought about it and got an epiphany.
"I know just who to call," he said and began dialing a number that is only used by Radiant Garden's citizens during extreme emergencies (this just happened to be one of them).
Back in Sephiroth's house (after Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz left to make a scam), Sephiroth had came home from fencing practice and landed on the couch. Feeling dead tired, he fell asleep. While that happened, someone was coming through the vents of the house, wearing a camouflage suit. He opened the vent that was near the fireplace and said, "The perfect disguise." That someone was Cloud (finally pulling up his pants), wearing a full body suit that matched the wall décor.
He jumped out of the vent and went into the dining room, making sure that Sephiroth didn't hear him. "Now to look for signs of evil," Cloud whispered. As he began walking away from the living room, he managed to step on the family dog's tail, making it whine. He then tripped over a randomly place chair and then fell into Yazoo's music collection, breaking half of the CDS. Falling into the kitchen, he crashed into the refrigerator, causing a rolling pin from the top to fall on top of his head.
"Ow," he yelled. Surprisingly, during all this, Sephiroth didn't wake up. He stirred a bit, but he didn't wake up. Cloud, forgetting where he came in, got up brushed himself off and went into the living room. He saw a box of cookies on the living room table and picked it up. Taking a bite into one of the cookies, he began choking. "Aw crap, cookie cam!" he yelled, waking up Sephiroth.
"Strife, what are you doing here?" he asked.
"Sephiroth!" Cloud yelled, ready to fight.
"Seriously, what are you doing here?" Sephiroth asked.
"I'm gonna prove to every that you're pure evil!" Cloud yelled, a random thunderclap heard in the background.
"That again?" Sephiroth sighed.
"You're evil, admit it!" Cloud yelled.
"Cloud, just because I dated Tifa back in high school before you could get to her doesn't mean I'm evil," Sephiroth said, still wondering how Cloud got into his house.
"That's not why you're evil! You've brainwashed Tifa and Luneth, making them say that you're the perfect neighbor!" Cloud yelled like a mad man.
The sound of police sirens were heard outside. "See? Now I'll prove to everyone that you're evil!" Cloud yelled, laughing like a maniac as he opened the door and ran outside.
Sephiroth went to the door and saw Cloud running over to the police and asylum officers, shouting, "See? That fiend wants to take your children and use them to make chicken stock! He'll take your wives and lock them in a basement!" Cloud screamed like crazy, scaring the police.
"Sir he's crazy. Should we taze him?" one of the police officers asked the chief.
"Yeah, do it. It's not his first time doing this," the chief said as the police surrounded him and tazed Cloud.
The asylum officers quickly ran over with a straight jacket and Cloud managed to recover from being tazed, screaming, "You don't know what you're doing! HE'LL DESTROY US ALL"
Luneth and Tifa watched from their house as they saw Cloud resisting arrest and being tazed again. He was placed inside of one of the asylum's trucks and he kept screaming in the back window. "He'll turn all your children into trolls!" Cloud screamed, getting crazier by the second. The truck drove away, making all the residents on the block wonder what just happened.
Luneth turned to Tifa and asked, "Why does he go crazy when it comes to Sephiroth?"
"Well, he thinks that Sephiroth is trying to win me back by living across the street from us. I don't really see that happening. He and I broke up on our own in high school," Tifa explained, walking off after the truck Cloud was in disappeared in the horizon.
'Well, that explains a lot,' Luneth thought and walked back to fix his room.
Wow, Cloud is a bit crazy. Sure in the original, he had reasons to hate Sephiroth, but not in this story! XD
-miano53