8. Open
"Please make yourself at home. I'll only be a moment." He said as he gave you a quick kiss on your forehead before turning towards the hall.
As he moved towards his room down the hall you allowed yourself to look closer at the bookshelves and pictures on them. You could tell a few were recently taken while others were older pictures.
As you picked up one of the older pictures you couldn't help but allow a soft smile to cross your face as you looked closer at the image in front of you, a young boy and an older woman hugging with smiles on their faces.
You knew from the smile the young boy was a very young Rafael and smiled at the image of him as you placed the picture back on the shelf.
There were a few you assumed to be from recent years and as you picked one of them up you could see the vast differences of the Rafael Barba you knew and the one looking back at you from the frame.
He was standing with a group of what you assumed to be police officers from the badges at their hips and his demeanor was something you had never seen before.
This Rafael Barba was stern, he did not smile, and he did not show emotion. This was not the Rafael who sent book quotes randomly or who would hum random songs in his office without realizing others were present.
No, this Rafael Barba was one that did not play, did not show emotions, and did not allow others to see beyond the walls.
"This must be from his ADA days.." You thought to yourself as you placed the picture back on the shelf.
As you moved towards the couch to sit and try one of his many sudoku puzzles while you waited for him to reemerge something caught your eye. His iPod was still on the dock next to the sofa and you smirked as you pressed play on the dock, allowing the soulfulness of Ed Sheeran's voice to fill the room.
Before you could move towards the couch a set of arms wrapped around your waist from behind pulling you against his chest as he did.
"I see you found the iPod." He whispered as he kissed your ear..
As he pulled you towards the empty space in the room and started to sway with you against his chest you allowed your head to fall against his shoulder with a sigh. The two of you swayed to the music and as the song died down you turned to look at him.
"I was looking at your pictures." You started as he looked past you towards the shelf with an anxious expression on his face.
"You were a really cute little boy, Rafael." You softly said as you placed a sweet kiss on his lips before looking up into his deep green eyes once more.
"Rafael.. Tell me about who you were before now." You started to say and felt him tense and try to pull away slightly.
"I saw the photo of you with a group of people and you look completely different than you do now. This Rafael sends me cute sayings and leaves hot teas and coffees in my lecture hall before Monday classes. That Rafael.." You say as you motion towards the picture you were looking at earlier.
"That Rafael.. That Rafael is one who drinks way too much caffeine and doesn't see any happiness or joy in the world. That Rafael is dark and moody. That Rafael is one who has seen the worst of the world and will do anything to make it right."
As you spoke you saw his wall crumble a small fraction as he leaned back into your embrace and placed his forehead against yours and let out an audible sigh.
"Y/N.."
The two of you stood wrapped in a warm embrace, neither wanting to speak and ruin the moment before you had to but you could hear him thinking even if you couldn't see him.
"Y/N" He softly said as he pulled away.
"I need to tell you something.. If you hate me I understand. I just need to let you know the man you are here with. The man I am." He said as he looked into your eyes.
"Okay.."
As the two of you moved toward the couch his walls built up once again and as you sat he moved to allow a bit of distance between the two of you. You leaned in and took his hand before he started to speak, giving a small squeeze as he started.
He talked to you about his ADA days and how ruthless he was not only in the courtroom but also when he would meet with witnesses and suspects. He told you how he would use various ways to gain information, some that were no where appropriate.
He told you about his snarkiness and how he used his temper and his words to his advantage. He told you about having a belt around his neck, how he took down an entire school, and how he often went against the NYPD just to get his way.
He explained how he carried the weight of victims deaths and unfound justice on his shoulders and how he allowed it to eat him alive the entire time he worked with SVU. He explained how the later years were the worst and how they affected him the most.
As he spoke you held his hand and allowed him to lead the conversation, only saying things when you needed clarification or to encourage him to continue. You could see the pain on his face and saw the fear of his explanations in his eyes. You could tell that as much as he wanted you to know everything he was scared to death of what you might think or say when he was done.
As he finished telling you about his last case and about the charges he received thereafter you felt you heart break for him, for the emotions he had been carrying since he walked down the courthouse steps.
The tears in his eyes were real and the emotions on his tongue were raw as he explained how he wanted to make something in the world right even if it was wrong. The wavering of his voice did not fall on deaf ears as you heard the trembles and the stutters as he told you of every detail he could muster and actually say,
When he finished and trailed off into silence you could feel the tension in his shoulders from across the couch and could hear his brain thinking and worrying about what your reaction was going to be.
You did not know what to say but did know you did not hold any part of everything he told you against him. If anything, it allowed you to understand more and fall more for him as you heard his story and saw the emotions that came with each word
"Rafael.." You whisper as you move towards him, drawn by an invisible force. '
When your lips met his you tasted the saltiness of his tears and felt the wetness on your hands as you held his face in your hands. As you brushed your tongue across his lip he allowed the kiss to deepen and, with a primal need to be close and heal the wounds he just ripped open, he kissed you back with every bit of passion he had in his body.
"Rafael.." You said as you pulled away slightly to lean your forehead against his.
You knew if you did not stop the kiss there neither of you would be able to or even want to stop. At the same time you knew this is not what either of you needed at that moment and knew he needed to hear your thoughts and hear how you felt before either of you could go further or continue the relationship.
"Rafael, look at me."
"You hate me don't you? Let me get your coat -"
"Rafael, stop. I don't hate you." You said as you placed your hands back on his face trying to calm him down.
"Come back to me Raf.. and not just physically." You whispered as you leaned your forehead against his.
"I am right here. I'm here. I promise." He whispered back as he leaned against you and moved to cover your hands with his.
"Tell me you don't hate me, Y/N." He whispered and you could hear the trembles in his voice and knew he was on the edge of a breaking point.
"I don't hate you, Raf. I promise you that."
As you spoke you heard his breath catch and felt his hands tighten around yours. You could see he was hanging on by a thread and knew he had never allowed himself to grieve everything that had happened over the last few years and never allowed himself to vocalize anything about what had happened to him.
He had never been able to get everything out in the open due to fear of turning everyone away from him, making everyone think he was a monster.
"Let it go, Rafael. I'm not going anywhere." You said softly as his walls finally crumbled and the tears fell without constraint as you pulled him into a hug and allowed his head to fall on your shoulder.