A/N: After a frantic chase for $350,000 that ultimately led to incarceration and nothing to show for it, it was time for judgement after the end of the 1963 "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World".
Greed is Relative
Most of the moaning had stopped.
In the medical ward of the Santa Rosita jail eleven men lay, sat or hung suspended over their beds in various forms of traction or plaster; thanks to the number of casts and bandages the residents of the room looked like mummies that might have been found in Antarctica. Gone was the sniping and bickering that had characterized their first conversations after having been moved pending trial of the "Smiler Grogan Case", as the media called it.
After the spectacular car accident that killed the ex-con Smiler Grogan, he was able to give the general location of a large amount of cash - three hundred and fifty thousand dollars - located in the city state park to the few witnesses that were present during his last moments. After trying and failing to cooperate, it became a race for the money as various other people were swept up in the madness that culminated in a treasure hunt in the city's state park.
Meanwhile, Captain T.G. Culpepper of the Santa Rosita police department had monitored the progress of the treasure hunters and waited in the park for them to find the treasure, claiming to take the money for evidence when in fact he took it for himself with the plan to disappear into Mexico. Discovering the ruse, the treasure hunters chased the rogue police captain into a condemned high rise where they all were eventually trapped on a crumbling fire escape; during their rescue they overloaded the ladder, causing everyone to fall and injure themselves in various ways while the case of money opened and scattered to the crowd below.
Three women also took part to varying degrees in the hunt but were unhurt having not entered the condemned building; they were also being held in another area of the detainment facility. So it was with some surprise when the three women walked into the crowded ward in their jail smocks and sat down in several chairs without saying a word.
"Momma!" Sylvester yelled, but a stern look from Mrs. Marcus silenced him quickly. Slipping on the banana peel and falling flat on her posterior in her previous visit hadn't dulled the harshness of her scowl, but remarkably she said nothing.
"I say, do you think she's alright?" Colonel J. Algernon Hawthorne asked from his upright bed. "I didn't think she was capable of silence."
"Neither do I" Lennie Pike whispered, although strapped supine in his gurney he couldn't see the British officer.
Next a woman came in carrying a machine; she set it down on a small desk and plugged it in before she sat down behind it. She put on a pair of glasses and began checking the settings of the device.
"I wonda what that thing is" Benjy Benjamin asked, his Brooklyn accent affected slightly by the neck brace he was wearing.
"It's a stenotype" Captain Culpepper said from the end of the room nearest the doorway.
"You mean like in a courtroom?" Melville Crump asked. As a dentist he hadn't encountered one before.
"That's where I saw one" entrepreneur J. Russell Finch answered. "They had one in a patent case I got involved in, before I married Emmeline. But it beats me why they brought one in." He loved his wife, but unfortunately Mrs. Marcus came with the deal and it was the only thing that made him second-guess his proposal of marriage.
"Nobody say nothin'" Benjy ordered.
"But YOU just said something" his friend Ding Bell retorted.
"Oh yeah."
"Gentlemen, I do think they brought it in for the express purpose of holding court here" Culpepper guessed.
"Good. You said we'd get off easier because they were gonna throw the book at you. Why don't you just confess and save us all the trouble?" Otto Meyer sneered. He always sneered if he wasn't trying to sweet-talk you out of something.
A man in a police uniform came in, followed by two younger men in suits. "All ri..." the officer started to say before looking around the ward at the patients. Confused, he let the command die without finishing it. Shortly after, an older man in a suit walked into the ward. He looked around the room, then at the officer who apparently was acting as a bailiff. "It's all right Jenkins, we're going to be a little informal here today." As he spoke, the woman behind the stenotype stroked the keyboard and paper started curling out from it.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Judge Matthew J. Troop; some might add Honorable in front of that but I don't stand on formality which is precisely why it is me who appears before you today, rather than the other way around. It's been nearly two weeks now since your, ah, escapades and I don't think you realize the special circumstances you present us. You'll, ah, excuse me if I stare" he apologized "but even though I've read the report, actually seeing the extent of your injuries is another matter entirely. I have greater respect for our health professionals now than ever before."
He strolled up and down the ward, addressing the whole body without singling out a single person. "Normally, someone who has been arrested is taken into custody, processed, and then either held or released with or without bail. If the person has been hospitalized, they are usually cared for until such a time as appearing in court would not jeopardize their health. As you can see, this problem is exponentially greater in our circumstances today."
"What does that mean?" Sylvester asked.
"It means we're ALL pretty banged up" Crump said.
"Essentially correct, Mr. Crump" the judge continued. "Normally, there would be a separate trial for each defendant; in this case, I'm afraid the court would be tied up for longer than I care to think about while other cases would have to wait. Furthermore, the media coverage alone would paralyze the entire downtown area as the - let's just use the term 'circus' - would come to report on the show."
"I know all your backgrounds. None of you is what I would call a criminal; yes, you've broken laws in your scramble for the Grogan money but none of you had a criminal history, with the possible exception of a few parking tickets and one person with a habit of writing bad checks." Meyer reddened but said nothing.
"Greed is relative. Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars is a lot of money. The average house in our country costs nineteen thousand; the average car, three thousand. I should think the prospect of getting your hands on that kind of money would induce almost a temporary madness - or insanity, if you will - in most people who wouldn't even blink over the prospect if it were, say, ten dollars. Even a venerable police officer who has spent his entire life upholding the law. Wouldn't you say, Mr. Culpepper?"
T.G. Culpepper was quite aware of the omission of the title 'captain' when being addressed by the judge. "Passion is no excuse for breaking the law" he answered stoically.
"No, no it isn't although this doesn't exactly fit the typical definition of a crime of passion. But justice takes into account many things. For instance, you lost your job and title of captain. You wife has filed for divorce although you may not know it was before these events even took place, your daughter has petitioned to change her name, your pension has been revoked, you're being sued for damages by your mother-in-law and I understand you've even had a new species of dung beetle named after you."
"Dung beetle? My goodness, how ghastly" Colonel Hawthorne said, face contorted in a grimace.
"All you men have suffered obvious physical pain and injury. It was a result of your actions yes, but it certainly wasn't your intent. And you showed remarkable restraint by telling your female accomplices not to enter the condemned building for fear of their safety." Mrs. Marcus moved her lips as if to say something, but thought better of it for once.
"Something you may not have thought of is that the money, although no longer in your possession, will not be finding its way back into your pockets; you seem to have distributed it to a great many citizens of Santa Rosita in a fashion that would have made Robin Hood proud." Several of the men sighed at the thought of all that money floating away in the breeze as the judge continued. "So the question remains: What is to be gained by prosecuting you? Certainly not for damages; that would be the purpose of a civil suit. But there is the matter of setting an example; for instance, I might have let all the rest of you off lightly in exchange for throwing the book at Mr. Culpepper." Meyer smiled. "And let me say, the prospect was appealing. But I say WAS."
Meyer stopped smiling. "That's not fair!"
"Fair, Mr. Meyer? Do you really want to discuss fair?"
"Not really."
"I didn't think so. But to get back to my point, a situation has arisen that provides an even better example for justice. Now keep in mind, you all are still liable for damages caused by your actions and must make amends accordingly. Mr. Pike for instance destroyed a service station almost single-handed."
"Those two fellers tied me up. I was just gonna be peaceable but they wanted to tussle so I got mad, freed myself that's how they got it" he said.
"False imprisonment would get most people angry, and I'm sure that would be taken into consideration. The same goes for the Crumps; you were locked into the basement of that hardware store and you were simply trying to find a way out when...ah...panic took over, no doubt."
"You might say that" Melville agreed, not sure where this was going.
"Most of you have lost your jobs, so repayment might be challenging but I'm sure you would find it better than the alternative."
"Ha!" Benjy interjected. "Me and Ding ain't got no jobs to begin with!"
"An excellent point, Mr. Benjamin. Also a small detail that you'll have to work out later. The point, ladies and gentlemen" the judge said raising his voice "is that in my opinion justice is best served in this particular instance by not criminally charging any of you with anything. It is therefore my decision to set you all free as soon as you are medically able to leave. You must keep in contact with the Santa Rosita police department for any further financial and legal matters that may arise, but as far as this case is concerned it is closed, along with Smiler Grogan and his stash of money. I want you all to meet with me in six months to review your situation. I declare this case..."
"Just a minute, your honor" Russel interrupted. "What's come up that sets a better example than us - not that I'm complaining mind you!"
The judge looked at the court reporter and made a decision. "For the record, a lot has gone on since your little escapade. Besides leaving a trail of mayhem behind you, you concluded the caper by staging it in front of a huge crowd in the square by that old building you were in. As if doing a Flying Wallendas impression on that rescue ladder in front of people wasn't cause to gain attention, the fact that there was full media coverage of the speech that was being presented for the renewal project you stumbled into just fueled the fire, so to speak. Have you been disturbed at all up here in the ward?"
"Nobody, except for that one cat that ran in and started talking" Sylvester recalled. "The fuzz grabbed him right away and dragged him out. We just thought he was having a bad trip, man."
"You're lucky it was just him. We've had to triple the guard on this floor to keep you sequestered with a restraining order against anyone that tries to disturb you. That was a lawyer that made it in here; we've got them three deep outside either trying to take your case, sue you or somehow represent your story as an agent. They've pulled two or three off the window ledge, and one was trying to repel down from the roof. We got the FAA involved when some loon kept flying a plane towing a banner with his phone number on it, and the city works department caught several trying to work their way up from the sewers. We've had fake phone repairmen, fake doctors, fake plumbers, and someone claiming to be the governor. There was even a murder for hire plot uncovered that was quite nasty where someone was trying to get an inside angle."
"Oh, that's rich" Pete the cab driver said.
"We also caught two that got stuck in the air ducts trying to crawl in here. Right now we've got a whole cell full of 'em downstairs; we might have to open up the annex. You see ladies and gentlemen, what you did affected very few people; what these barristers are doing is putting a bad name on our legal system. I plan on using THEM as the example to restore some sense of order. So Mr. Crump, THAT is what is taking your place in setting an example. So, with that in mind, I hereby declare this case dismissed. Miss Umqua, you and the bailiff are excused. I would like to address the people here alone for a minute. If you would, please close the door on the way out." The reporter turned off her machine and packed it up along with the transcript and left the room. The bailiff followed and closed the door behind him, leaving the judge alone with the fourteen treasure seekers.
The judge walked to the middle of the room and lowered his voice somewhat. "I have a proposition for you when we meet again in six months. None of you managed to hold on to the Smiler Grogan cash. What would you say if I told you there was another case out there right now, but with three-quarters of a million stashed away?"
There was a long silence in the room, broken after a few moments by Melville murmuring "$750,000 divided fourteen...no...fifteen ways..." after which the idea began to sink in and everyone started talking. The judge let them go on for a moment before he raised his hands and they quieted.
Culpepper took the opportunity to speak. "Not only police officers, but judges too I see. Lawyers giving the legal system a bad name, but not the judges. I, ah, fail to see the distinction."
"Even judges if they're they're still sitting - but I'm getting ready to retire" the judge went on. "It wouldn't hurt to have a little extra as I adjust to retirement. I propose that, if you all can stay clean for six months, I will be able to retire at that time and we'll all get together and go after this next one. Alone, I don't have the resourcefulness of all of you; but I think Mr. Crump will agree that 50,000 each is a nice payout for a little work. In six months I retire free and clear, I share the information I have with you and we go on a little treasure hunt. How hard could it be?"
The End
A/N: A great all-star caper where it didn't matter who you pulled for because no one got away with it, with plenty of cameos thrown in to keep you looking. So i thought, why not set up the ending as a springboard for another go around? This is how I imagine it might have worked. And while I'm not suggesting that judges are any more in need of money that anyone else, the point is that they are PEOPLE like everyone else and that was the gag.
Anyone reading any of my other stories having to do with points of law or trial cases will know immediately that I know nothing about how trials work - it's incidental to the point of the stories.