Before they were even out of the grove Hidan had changed his mind. Kakuzu tried to do as he'd been asked, but it was actually impossible - and he'd always been able to restrain Hidan before, at least for a time. He was wild, even for him - desperate - and just when Kakuzu had made up his mind to give it up and let him do what he wanted it got worse - he dropped to his knees and started vomiting blood. And still he was trying to crawl back towards the muddy symbol, groping as if he couldn't see his way. Kakuzu, chills running through him, grabbed him bodily and half dragged him there, almost as wild as Hidan himself now to find that silver glint in the morass of blood and mud. His own voice screaming Hidan's name echoed in his ears, though he had no recollection of saying anything at all. He'd been wrong. He'd been so very wrong. How could he have persuaded Hidan take such a risk? How could he not have considered that Hidan might actually need Jashin - particularly now! But the symbol. Where was it? It couldn't have sunk out of sight already, surely? Hidan had put it in the exact centre - why was it not there-? Just as absolute panic was setting in he saw it, flicked it up with a thread and pressed it into Hidan's shaking hand which clenched around it instantly.
Then he just lay there face down in the mud, shaking and retching, convulsed with pain. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." he moaned brokenly, as abject and submissive as Kakuzu had ever heard him. "Jashin-sama, forgive me…" He hardly dared to touch him in case it made things worse.
Hidan was blacking in and out. Not drifting, that was too gentle a word - more like jerking between two states with bruising force. Consciousness was searing pain everywhere, his body feeling like it was being torn to pieces, every breath he took fresh agony, every heartbeat threatening to jolt his chest apart. The blackness was no better, because then he was in the deep recesses of his mind where Jashin was, and Jashin was angry with him like never before. He hadn't fully manifested yet, but he was there all around and his very presence was corrosive - it stung his eyes and it burnt to breathe. And it was no less real than the cold grey daylight outside of him, where he could hear Kakuzu desperately calling his name and the birds singing. At first he tried to grasp onto the waking moments and stay there but soon he gave it up. He was bleeding too much to stay conscious, which was weird and frightening because that had never happened since… well, since Jashin.
The part of his mind where he came face to face with Jashin was always dark, but this time it seemed a hundred times more oppressive than usual. As always, he lay on a cold hard floor which was swimming in blood, the blood of the countless sacrifices he'd made to him. The air smelt of sulphur and iron. Above him he could just make out a vaulted ceiling and around him arched passageways like gaping mouths led off to deeper darkness. Jashin would come from one of them, or all of them. Or appear from nowhere. It depended on his mood. Before Jashin, he hadn't even known this part of him existed. In fact, it was only now that he really recognised it as truly part of himself, rather than Jashin's own realm. Maybe it was the pain running through him - it seemed to run even through the walls of this place. Now Jashin's anger seemed to roll over him as well, in stinging, nauseating waves. He seemed to loom out of all the doorways at once and then be everywhere, manifesting as pure wrath and Hidan was terrified. He begged for his forgiveness over and over, but Jashin affected to be unsure whether he was worthy of it. Somehow he knew his feeling of having had enough of pain. He'd felt his unwillingness to sacrifice for him. He let him feel everything now like a mortal, let him feel every wound he'd ever healed him from. Are you so sure you don't need me? He never did exactly speak, but the cold voice echoed in Hidan's head.
"Jashin-sama," he gasped between ragged breaths. "I know I need you. I thought you'd left me, I couldn't find you…" But they both knew it wasn't the whole truth. They both knew that he'd let Jashin sink down deep into his subconscious, that he hadn't truly come to him. Jashin - suddenly physically there right on top of him - smashed a spur of bone through the hole that was still in his chest despite Kakuzu's attempts to put him back together, and Hidan screamed with pain. I've had quite a journey to get back here, Jashin let him know, searing the words across his mind. It was his loss of faith that was the most unforgivable of all, he told him - the ultimate betrayal. He twisted the bone spur in the wound mercilessly. His half-hearted prayers were a useless insult, as was appearing before Jashin not penetrated through the heart, stitched up like a rag doll. If he thought he needed that Jashin could let him need it…
Hidan almost wished he would. It occurred to him - and earned him an extra dig in the wound he'd made by rolling on the giant shuriken - that if he'd known what this would be like he wouldn't have come back. He'd have let himself die at the edge of that grove. He let his head loll limply to one side and tried to let the pain wash through him like he normally did, but it was the wrong kind of pain, it screamed at him that he was damaged, that he was going to die. Jashin's voice in his head was hard to distinguish from his own thoughts, and for a while he believed everything and was racked with shame and self-loathing. What made it even harder to take was that he'd really believed Jashin loved him. He'd always been Jashin's golden boy. And he'd truly loved him back for it.
Yes, sometimes before he'd broken commandments and Jashin had had to chastise him for it, but it hadn't been like this. It had been to make him a better Jashinist. To make their union closer, more complete. But now he began to understand that Jashin was somehow inside him, and his body was not his own. He'd never been very clear about exactly what had been done to him by the Way of Jashin - it was all a blur. He'd never given any thought to how his bond with Jashin existed so strongly, he'd just trusted it, that was what faith was for. But now, instinctively - because he was in no state to think anything through rationally - he knew that he wasn't ascending to Jashin in his dark heaven. He was trapped with him in his own private hell.
Jashin loomed over him, first flush of his anger over. Now he was calculating and deliberate. The mask-skull-like face brushed against his cheek and the hot scent of blood, fear and lust filled him and made him shrink inside because he knew what Jashin wanted. The clawed hands caressed him and rent him at the same time. The spur of bone was still going right through him and slowly Jashin moved it in and out, in and out. He remembered as though in another lifetime how excited he always used to be for this moment of union. For Jashin to enter him, to inhabit him. Excited and scared and aroused, and over the years they'd been together Jashin had taken his human desires and worked them into their ritual until in was halfway between sex and possession. He'd have done almost anything to take that knowledge back from him now.
Jashin manifested other appendages of bone and was penetrating him in so many ways he couldn't really tell anymore where his body ended and Jashin began. Maybe there was no such distinction. He was in his head as well, telling him so convincingly that he wanted it that he had no clear idea now whether he did or not. He seemed to know exactly what he'd done with Kakuzu too, and he was both amused and angered by it. His voice filled Hidan's head again - did you tell him what you like me to do to you? Does he understand that you're mine? You'll always be mine. He realised then that he was naked and something hard was pushing between his legs. This wasn't normal. This was too literal - Jashin wouldn't- But before he could even try to relax he'd really forced into him in a mocking violent parody of how Kakuzu had been. Is this what you gave me up for? Jashin hissed. Are the pleasures of the flesh more to you now than I am? He felt like he was being split apart. He didn't know if it was really real, if his physical body was truly enduring this, or if it was just in here, in his head, but it hardly seemed to matter. It was real enough. It went on and on. He was forced to feel aroused, but his own disgust couldn't be erased; the caustic voice in his head said he wanted it but he'd never wanted anything to stop more in his life. You want me, the voice seared through his brain. You belong to me. "Jashin-sama," he moaned through gritted teeth. "Please… no…"
He almost lost consciousness within his own mind after that - and fleetingly wondered what it would mean if he did - would he be dead? - but he came back to himself in time to feel Jashin come inside him, which burned as well - everything about Jashin was corrosive when he was that angry - and then his anger fading as he slowed down and finally lost interest. He'd desecrated every feeling Hidan had - now he was just a worthless broken plaything.
As Jashin withdrew from him and left him - just left him, shaking and violated in the cold bloody darkness - he began to wonder if he'd ever make it back to the daylight world at all. He was in utter shock - and in a dual state of numbly disbelieving that Jashin could do this to him, and fully feeling every raw nerve. He tried to sit himself up, but couldn't - tried to force the mental switch of waking, but it didn't happen. He was terrified that Jashin might come back and punish him more if he didn't get out of here - at the same time a small part of him was still hoping he would return, to comfort him and forgive him. As if being gentle with him could somehow erase what had happened.
But no, that wasn't going to happen. Jashin didn't really do gentle anyway. He sensed he'd only forgive him if he could get back on his own feet from here. Otherwise he was just worthless trash. He tried to roll onto his side and failed at that too, pushing down the thought that maybe he didn't want to be forgiven, that maybe he couldn't forgive Jashin for this - but it was hard to suppress thoughts here. They seemed to hang in the oppressive air like banners. He tried to make himself stop thinking altogether. If Jashin caught wind of it it was probably a death sentence. Why couldn't he move? He felt like there was no air in his lungs, and wondered if he was buried under the earth again. He could taste earth, as well, and smell it.
Someone was holding his hand though. It wasn't a clawed hand, and though it was holding a little too tightly, he sensed it wasn't trying to hurt him. A voice was saying his name too. And suddenly the daylight came flooding back.
Kakuzu. His bruised mind could barely take in that he was there at first. He gripped his hand back tightly despite the pain and tried to focus on his face. He couldn't, quite, but he filled in the familiar calm features with his mind's eye. It made him realise he'd been holding his breath and he made himself start to breathe again. Dappled light was filtering down between autumn leaves. He seemed to be fully clothed. The sticky substance he was lying in was mud - mainly - not blood and cum. The pain that had been flooding his whole body began to recede. He reminded himself to take another breath. Kakuzu's here. I'm alright, then.
In fact Kakuzu was anything but calm. Hidan had been in the symbol for a full half hour, too out of it to even look at him or give him an indication of what was going on, and all the while he was torturing himself with uncertainty about whether he'd do better to leave him alone with Jashin, or do whatever he could to call him back to himself. He'd gone for a wretched compromise, just holding his hand while, glassy-eyed and not seeming aware of him at all, Hidan had rolled onto his back and stared up at the treetops, his other hand clenched in a fist at his mouth, lips moving at first in the prayers he'd watched countless times before, then in incoherent agonised sounds, pleas, apologies and promises. When the convulsive shaking had given way to occasional tremors that had racked through him, he'd started talking to him, calling his name, urging him to wake up, come back. He'd addressed a few choice words to Jashin as well. Hidan's wretched state made him so angry he couldn't help himself.
When Hidan finally did look at him he was expecting blame, but it didn't come and his utter brokenness was much worse. He was so white, lines of pain etched around his eyes and mouth, and the hand that grasped Kakuzu's was still trembling.
"I knew it, Kakuzu," he whimpered hoarsely as Kakuzu pulled him against his chest. "I knew it couldn't be that easy. He..." Tears trailed a path through the blood and mud that glazed his face. "He's... inside me, Kakuzu. He's not in some other dimension. Or maybe he's out there as well, but… he's in me, and I— I'll die without him, I know it. And I can't get away. There's no way to..."
Kakuzu didn't know what to say. He wiped Hidan's tears away with his free hand, but more came coursing down. He smoothed his hair and stroked his cheek. "I'm sorry," he said finally, voice abrupt with emotion. "I should never have interfered. I was wrong."
Hidan turned tragic eyes on him. "I wanted you to," he admitted. "I wanted to... to be alone with you." He winced, and another shudder went through him. "He doesn't like that..." he said fearfully. "I didn't think he was listening now…" Painfully and slowly he sat up, with Kakuzu's help. "Let's get out of here," he said, a meaning glance at the symbol.
"Is it… safe for you?" Kakuzu asked, the image of Hidan on all fours retching blood etched indelibly in his mind. He couldn't let him get in that state again. It was all too possible to imagine that he might not survive it.
Hidan nodded. "He's done... what he wanted..." His eyes slid away from Kakuzu's, shame marked on his face, and Kakuzu felt a sudden stab of almost understanding. Things between Jashin and Hidan weren't the way he'd been imagining. And there was clearly a lot about it that Hidan hadn't told him. He didn't say any more, but helped him crawl slowly to the edge of the clearing. Even with all his support he couldn't stand. Kakuzu propped him gently against a tree trunk and crouched next to him, watching him anxiously. He was breathing hard, shaking fingers exploring the ragged edges of the stitched wound in his chest. His amulet was still clutched tightly in the other hand. Kakuzu made him a string for it from one of his threads and tied it on for him, pulling the knot savagely so there was no way it could slip. You win Jashin, he admitted, in his head. This time.
Hidan was feeling at his other wounds now. "Kakuzu?" he gasped. "Are they still stitched up?"
Kakuzu bent to look, taking his hands so he wouldn't pick at the threads. "Yes," he said. "Why wouldn't-"
"They didn't change at all? While I was..."
"Well, you stopped bleeding after about ten minutes," Kakuzu told him, looking at him curiously. "Otherwise no."
Hidan nodded, seeming a little calmer. "He's… not here now…" he said meaningly, after a moment.
Kakuzu stared at him a moment, confused, Hidan's eyes were turned up to his in mute appeal - then he understood and took him into his arms again. Hidan relaxed a little. He laid his head against his shoulder. The trembling began to subside. "Fuck…" he whispered. "Fucking hell."
Kakuzu tightened his arms around him. "What happened?" he asked him finally.
"I… I don't..." Hidan brushed his hand over his face. "He… turned on me, Kakuzu." He choked down a sob. He told him, brokenly and haltingly, about what he said was the first part of what had happened, then couldn't seem to go on. "I… I know I deserved it after what I did," he whispered hoarsely, "but I didn't think… I didn't think he'd…"
"Deserved it!" Kakuzu protested. "What do you mean? You did everything!"
"I went through the motions," Hidan let out a shuddering breath. "But I didn't mean any of it. And he knew. And maybe he'd've given me a pass on it this time, except that when I walked away, I meant that. I really did mean that. It was the final straw for him."
Kakuzu frowned down at him, trying to think, but he was still too shaken up himself to get very far. Hidan was alive, at least, his mind refused to process much more. Jashin could have let him die of his wounds, but he didn't. "But, in the end, he did save you?" he said, meaning to comfort him.
Hidan stared blankly across the glade. "Yeah," he agreed flatly. "I guess so."
Kakuzu realised that somehow saying that had made it worse, but he didn't want to push him for any more.
The brutal fact, however, was that they wouldn't stay alive much longer if they stayed where they were. Despite the state of Konoha when they'd left, if those shinobi they'd taken down had radioed for back-up it could be here far more swiftly than they could deal with. "Do you think you can try to stand now?" Kakuzu asked Hidan after a few more minutes had passed, and even in the state he was in he knew it made sense. "I can help you. But we really need to get away from here."
Hidan managed. Kakuzu helped him to his feet and he leant against him for a moment, then steadied himself on a tree trunk and made himself stand alone. He ached all over, and still felt uncomfortably like every nerve in his body had had an electrical current powered through it, but essentially he was functioning. Jashin had come through for him after all. He massaged his shoulder muscles and tried to stretch out the stiffness. "I'll live," he told Kakuzu grimly. He was looking at him like he might collapse at any moment, and that made him feel like the worthless mortal trash Jashin said he'd be without him. "Let's go."
It felt better to be moving, even though he was tired in a way that scared him - it made him feel so hollowed out and leaden. But at least he wasn't so much in his head. Kakuzu found or forced some semblance of a path through the forest and he trailed behind him, keeping his eyes fixed on his back and trying not to think about what had just happened.
They walking in silence for a while, then started talking again as the sun came down into the valley and burnt off the mist of early morning. "Does he know what you're—" Kakuzu began tentatively, slowing down to walk beside him as they entered a clearer bit of woodland. He stopped and rephrased, more bluntly. "Can he hear us?"
"I don't think so," Hidan said wearily. "I don't think he exactly listens most of the time. He's not so present when I'm not... you know…?" He glanced at Kakuzu to check he'd understood.
"In your curse state?" Kakuzu said.
"Mm." Hidan nodded. "Or in his symbol. Though sometimes he gets antsy if I'm not killing enough and... sort of comes forward by himself..."
"That's when you get your bloodlust up?
"I guess. I always thought it was just me, but now I'm not so sure."
Kakuzu caught his arm as he stumbled over a tree root. "Fuck, I fucking hate the forest!" he burst out.
"We'll be out in a few hours," Kakuzu soothed him. "There's a way up into the mountains from here - I remember it from the map."
"Hours?" Hidan groaned. He didn't know if he could. He felt a desperate need to tell Kakuzu exactly what had happened, but he didn't know if he could manage to do that either. He'd hate it so much that maybe it would be better not to, even if it meant bearing it alone.
"More if we don't keep the pace up," Kakuzu said bracingly, but Hidan felt his knees give way. He sank down onto the forest floor, fumbling at neck for his symbol.
"Give me a minute," he said tensely. He was terrified to go back into himself, but he could feel his wounds throbbing again, and chills running through him as if he was getting feverish. Jashin was calling him. And now that he was back in the daylight with Kakuzu he felt very differently about embracing mortality and dying at the edge of some fucking depressing glade. He took some deep breaths, clutching the symbol tight in his hand. Jashin , he thought, desperately clinging to some awareness of his surroundings - the light through the trees, Kakuzu's hand warm on his shoulder - so that he couldn't get sucked into that place again. Give me a bit longer. I know I'm yours- the thought rankled, but he made himself think it. I'll come to you. Just let me get out of this fucking wood, first, okay?
He didn't suppose it was okay - Jashin certainly didn't say it was - but he opened his eyes and struggled to his feet. "I need to pray," he said, avoiding Kakuzu's concerned gaze. It was clear there was no choice if he wanted to get better. "But... I want to put it off a bit. You might need to help me."
They made it another half mile, til the trees thinned, and the path became a shingly track between them. Kakuzu was half carrying Hidan by then, and he was starting to cough again, bringing up a suspiciously metallic taste into his mouth. His vision was blurring and he could feel a liquid oozing sensation from his wounds when he moved. Kakuzu deposited him onto a flattish rock beside the track and squatted down in front of him.
"You'd better do it," he said. As always, he sounded so sure. So authoritative. Hidan squinted to try and see him more clearly. Do you know what you're asking me to do? he wanted to say, but his words slurred into each other and didn't make any sense. "Please!" Kakuzu implored him - that was less usual. He put the symbol into Hidan's hand for him and closed his fingers around it, and he couldn't resist any longer. He lay down on the rock - or rather just flopped backwards - vaguely aware of Kakuzu's hand cradling the back of his head and easing him down - before he was back there, lying in the dark, waiting for Jashin.
He'd hoped that he might get away with just talking to him this time. After all, the spiritual inhabiting had been strictly for after a kill before. But Jashin wanted everything. Maybe he wanted to make sure he was fucking him more than Kakuzu, or maybe he was just enjoying the way it was destroying Hidan inside. He didn't make the act itself a punishment this time - it was more like he was reminding him that he was property; inhabited, mortgaged, not free. He was even his sick approximation of gentle, and again he forced Hidan to feel arousal he didn't want. You'll be good now, yes? the voice came within him. You won't make me punish you again…? "No, Jashin-sama," he mouthed obediently, trying to still the rebellion inside him though it was clamouring so loudly it seemed impossible that Jashin wouldn't hear. And indeed, he did, and laughed. You're angry with me…! He was almost indulgent. Good! Be angry! Be wrathful! Destroy, kill, maim...
He found himself forced suddenly back out into the daylight with those words running like a mantra in his head, and an urge to lash out that he was barely able to contain. He felt a lot better in his body, but his mind was dazed and dark. And he hardly dared look at Kakuzu in case Jashin became aware of him, and in his capricious spitefulness made him direct all his pain and anger at him.
Kakuzu didn't miss that, and the fact that Hidan seemed better physically so very quickly made him relieved and concerned in equal measure. It was as if Jashin was toying with him, testing his devotion, withholding his regenerating power until Hidan was literally begging for it. "What happened?" he asked as they got going again. "Half an hour ago you were spitting blood, and now-"
Hidan, who'd been a little ahead, glanced around at him looking almost alarmed. "He did what he wanted," he said, looking away again quickly. "That's all."
"Sure… okay..." Kakuzu caught him up, watched him closely. He was so edgy, and had been ever since he finished praying. "You said that before. What does he want?"
Hidan just looked at him. Like, you know what .
"Mm." Kakuzu wasn't sure if he did or not, but he was beginning to have a very bad feeling. "Hidan, talk to me! Maybe I could help, if I knew-"
Hidan just kept walking onwards. Kakuzu thought of all those half hours waiting for him to finish his prayers, no idea what was going on. Why had he never asked? Probably because he could never resist poking fun at Jashin, and then Hidan accused him of blasphemy… "I don't even know what normally happens," he said, curt with frustration. "You've never said…"
"Okay!" Hidan burst out, stopping and swinging round to face him, suddenly nearly in tears. "If you really want to know exactly what happens, after every kill he manifests with me in the symbol, and he spiritually enters me while penetrating me through the heart!"
Kakuzu found himself stepping back, Hidan was emanating such aggression. "That sounds-"
"Sexual?" Hidan shot at him, eyes flashing. "Well, that's because it is! And all the time I've been following his way, he's been learning. He learnt the things humans do. He's learnt fucking everything that will get to me, he knows what I want, he knows all my - my weaknesses and my desires. It got more and more intimate..." he spat the word at the ground, "with every single fucking kill." He drew a shuddering breath, then looked up at Kakuzu through wet eyelashes. "He knew I… he knew I wanted it," he said flatly. "At least I thought that was why… But it was never actually… the real thing…"
Kakuzu let out the breath he'd been holding. This was worse than anything he could have imagined. But at least-
"Until now," Hidan added with miserable triumph. "Now he's decided he wants to be in on the action." He held Kakuzu's gaze defiantly, his chin raised, his mouth a tight line. But before Kakuzu could think of any reply his composure broke. "Now are you happy?!" he demanded, his voice rising an octave and choked with tears.
"Hidan!" Kakuzu had to raise his voice to get through to him. "No, of course I'm not happy!" He reached towards him. "Hidan, I-"
"And that time," Hidan cut him off, jabbing his finger back the way they'd come, "back there in that fucking clearing, he- I-" Suddenly he leant forward so that his head was on Kakuzu's chest, his voice muffled against his cloak. "I can't say it."
Kakuzu couldn't say it out loud either, but his meaning was unmistakeable. "God, Hidan!" he croaked, his throat seeming to constrict.
"And... again just now."
Kakuzu felt like the world was spinning. "And I made you- I told you to-"
"I really didn't want to, Kakuzu." Hidan's voice against his chest was barely audible. "He… I guess he learnt it from what we did, but he made it awful. He hurt me, deliberately. Every moment of it was fucking agony. But I hated it just as much the second time, when he wasn't trying to. Now I'm just so fucking scared to even be in my own head for a second. I don't want to do it again. Ever."
"Hidan!" Kakuzu put his arms around him. He was shaking himself. "We'll… we'll find a way, I promise."
"There isn't one," Hidan murmured in a dazed monotone. "It's the price I have to pay. If I don't do it, I'll die."
"No!" Kakuzu growled, the protective instincts that only Hidan could awaken rising to an almost uncontrollable rage. "No!"
Hidan didn't say anything and they just stood there a moment longer. Much as he didn't want to, Kakuzu started thinking about the mechanics of it, and what Jashin could do to a person's body. He remembered that stab through his own heart - the blood, the physical wound... but did Jashin have a … "Does he really-" he began, then broke off as Hidan tensed against him.
"Well, it's all happening inside my head, so make up your own mind," he hissed bitterly, twisting away from him.
"I didn't mean…"
"Maybe I'm just doing it to myself, do you mean?! After all, you don't believe in Jashin!"
"Hidan!" Kakuzu tried to turn him back to face him. "I'm not trying to say that! How could I not, now? All I wanted to know was does it happen to you physically! Are you - are you hurt?!"
Hidan stared at him a moment, eyes blank. "I don't know," he said flatly. "I don't even fucking know." He shook Kakuzu's hands off him and turned away to walk on.
"Hidan-" Kakuzu didn't know what to say or do. No wonder if he didn't want to be touched after what he'd been through, but how else could he comfort him? There wasn't much of any value that he could say.
Helplessly he followed, and as they walked he tried to think if there was any way out of the bind they were in, taking refuge in practicalities to try and stop himself being driven out of his mind with anger. But it was hard to say even when the problems had begun. Hidan had healed very well from ripping his own heart out, even if it wasn't to his usual strength. He'd put that down to malnutrition, and general being out of condition, and maybe it had been. But then again, maybe not.
Maybe Jashin had felt tricked into reviving Kakuzu, and resented it. Maybe, although he'd agreed to do it, he was suspicious and jealous. Since their stay at the hot springs Hidan hadn't been hurt until today, so there was no way to really say, but there was the bark chip incident. Had that been a warning from Jashin? Jashin saying, you'd still be down there in pieces if not for me. Was Hidan actually not fully healed from that? Was Jashin just holding him together with all kinds of shit inside him? Would he never truly heal from it? Kakuzu shuddered.
He remembered then that Hidan didn't want to be alone in his head, so he kept talking to him even though he only got monosyllabic replies, and as the afternoon wore on and they toiled up a rocky path that seemed to offer a way out of the wooded ravine, Hidan's anger seemed to burn itself out. He started to wearily respond to Kakuzu's questions and let him walk beside him again. He even told Kakuzu about the place inside him where Jashin seemed to live, but became more and more morose and inclined to self-blame, almost to the extent of exonerating Jashin. Maybe it was a way to try and make being fucked by a vicious god in his head after every kill bearable, but Kakuzu hated it.
"Did you ever like it?" he asked him. "Really?"
Hidan's face clouded. "Well... yeah." He considered for a moment, and finally looked Kakuzu in the eye. "It used to be what I wanted more than anything in the world. It was even better than the slaughter beforehand, and all the time I was knowing how he'd reward me, how he'd... touch me, that I'd feel wanted and… loved..."
Kakuzu felt a surge of guilt for all that time he'd let Hidan feel so alone. "Hidan, I…"
"I didn't really know anything else at first," Hidan rushed on, not letting him speak. Maybe he didn't want to deal with that regret either - it was understandable. "And I mean... well... there's something about being so totally owned, you know?"
"Hm," Kakuzu said. He could certainly imagine that appealing to Hidan.
"But… it is scary. It was always scary. I always kind of dreaded it as well as wanting it. When I'm with him — that place where I am with him - I don't feel immortal. He - he could break me like a twig. He could crush me like a fucking eggshell. But he didn't. Til now. That was something too."
"That it hardly explains why you'd want it," Kakuzu said tensely.
Hidan looked up at him as if he was appealing to him to understand. "That kind of intensity, that connection… It's… hard not to want that all the time when you don't really have anything else…"
"And now?" Kakuzu didn't know if he wanted to know, but he couldn't help asking. "Now that you do have something else?"
Hidan's shudder spoke for itself. But, "I don't think I have a choice," he said quietly.
Kakuzu hated to see him so accepting of it. But then, when hadn't he been accepting of everything Jashin wanted for him? "So I'm just going to have to accept that you're fucking another guy?" he said lightly, deliberately trying to rile him, trying to put the fight back in him.
It didn't work though. "Being fucked by," Hidan corrected listlessly, tripping over a loose stone on the path. "I do nothing. I just lie there. He likes me to be passive."
Kakuzu felt his fist clench even as he flung out an arm to stop Hidan falling. "He doesn't know what he's missing then," he said through gritted teeth. He was only succeeding in riling up himself. He wanted to kill Jashin. "Okay, being fucked by another guy—" he continued, not able to stop now he'd started.
"A God."
"Being fucked by a god! Alright! That doesn't make it better actually!"
Hidan just shrugged. "It's better with you." He slid his hand down Kakuzu's arm from where he'd caught hold of it to his clenched fist and uncurled the fingers, slipping his own between them. "Even before he ruined it all. I feel like I'm someone, with you... I feel like you want things other than just to own me and make me kill shit..."
Kakuzu felt his anger drain away and helpless anguish fill him instead. He lifted Hidan's hand to his mouth and kissed it. "Of course you're someone! You're the most someone someone I've ever met!" He hesitated, wondering if he'd be shrugged off again, then took his face between his hands and kissed him anyway, but chastely, gently. "I'm sorry," he said. "You probably don't want this now."
Hidan's arms went round his neck. "I do. I want you to fucking erase him," he whispered. "But at the same time I feel like I'd fucking cry if you even went there."
Kakuzu kissed him again, a little more firmly, and felt him sway backwards. "When you're ready for it," he whispered, steadying him, "I promise you, I will. I'm not going to let him do this to you." He silenced him with another kiss as he opened his mouth to speak. "Don't say there's no way," he said sternly. "There'll be a way. Just… tell me everything. So we … so we can figure out… what was done to you. And undo it."
They had to rest frequently all the rest of the day. The path was steep and in places barely existent - the going would have been slow anyway. Bit by bit Hidan tried to tell Kakuzu everything he wanted to know, but he was confused about so much of it himself, and still too traumatised to talk about it easily. Jashin was still having periodic bursts of anger and by the time the shadows were lengthening he was white and tense with pain. By that time they were in a shale strewn mountain pass, the wooded valley stretching out below them when they looked back. Scouting ahead a little, Kakuzu found a little cave with a decently concealed entrance and decided there was no point trying to go any further. Hidan was stumbling over his own feet and he was feeling the strain himself. He didn't seem to be able to mold chakra with quite the ease or precision that he used to, so he'd used a massive amount in the fight with the leaf shinobi. His injuries from the lightning user were troubling him more than he liked to admit as well.
It was getting chilly and he left Hidan in the cave, praying again - though keeping himself resolutely conscious - and went around the area looking for dry brush for a fire. He also laid a five seal barrier as he went, concealing the seals themselves as well as he could. He didn't have the spare chakra to lay any kind of trap on them, or the physical energy to put them particularly far apart, but it was something and it made him feel better. This was not a time to be taking any more chances. It was border country, and there were bound to be patrols periodically, both from the Land of Fire and the Land of Grass - and in fact in trying to give the Land of Rain a wide berth he'd taken them too far North and they were near the borders of his own historic country too. He recognised it from the patrols of his youth and it unsettled him deeply.
When he returned to the cave Hidan was sleeping. He sat down on the ground next to him and put a hand on him. He was frowning in his sleep, and muttering, tossing and turning just a little, as if he didn't have the energy for any more. Kakuzu checked his wounds and they seemed to be healing at the usual Hidan rate now. It appeared that Jashin had forgiven him then - but at what cost? He began to wonder if they'd just had spectacularly bad timing with attempting to walk away from him. Hidan had, after all just sustained five or six wounds that would have killed a normal man. Maybe once he was fully recovered- but no. He mentally slapped himself. Whatever they tried, they had to be cautious now. And he needed to let Hidan make his own decisions.
Hidan's whole body tensed and he screwed up his face and turned his head to the side as if trying to avoid something in front of him. "Again?" he muttered. "Jashin-sama… alright… yes, I want to, of course I want to…"
Then again, he did make such spectacularly bad decisions. He must have known Jashin was somehow wholly or partly resident with him. Mustn't he? As he watched him he gave a little mew of misery and curled up into a foetal position and Kakuzu couldn't bear it any more; he didn't know if it was just a dream or if he really was with Jashin again, but either way he was going to end up in a worse state than he'd fallen asleep if this went on. Gently he shook his shoulder til he woke.
Hidan flinched away from him as he opened his eyes, then rolled limply back when he realised it was Kakuzu. "Hey..." he said blearily.
"How are you feeling?" Kakuzu asked.
Hidan propped himself up on his elbow. "Cold," he said, shivering. Kakuzu took his own cloak off and wrapped it around him, then started to kindle the fire. Once he had it going he lay down next to him and pulled him close.
"I'll make you warm," he told him, taking Hidan's cold hands in one of his and bringing them to his mouth to kiss warmth into his fingertips. He might not be able to say the right thing, or come up with any kind of solution, but at least he could do that. "Were you dreaming?" he asked, between kisses.
Hidan rested his head back down onto Kakuzu's arm. "I think so," he said. "It didn't feel… real. I think he's pretty dormant right now. He's sated." He sighed, and shuffled closer. "I'm glad you woke me though."
"Mm," Kakuzu grunted. "But you should sleep again now. It's safe. I've set a barrier and I'll leave a mask on watch."
Hidan looked at him a moment as though he was going to say something, then didn't bother. They both knew anyway. The real danger wasn't on the outside. Kakuzu shrugged. "Well, it's something," he muttered.
"Yeah," Hidan agreed. He stared into the fire for a bit, then closed his eyes, then opened them again. "I'm... kind of scared he's going to want you ..." he said hesitantly, sounding half asleep. As if he wouldn't have said it aloud if he was fully awake.
"Me?" Kakuzu didn't understand for a moment. "Oh, as a… a sacrifice..." It chilled him, if he was honest. He thought of Hidan maddened and blood-crazed, not able to control himself, and could he counter that when he was tired and out of shape? Molding chakra clumsily... washed up and old... But he made himself laugh. "Oh baby, don't worry about that! You couldn't put a scratch on me!"
"Fucking arrogant bastard," Hidan murmured, but he seemed comforted. In fact, he was already drifting back to sleep.
Kakuzu lay awake a lot longer. He released his new lightning creature and it loomed protectively at the mouth of the cave. He watched the small flickers of the fire and the shadows they cast up the cave walls, and he held Hidan tightly and thought again about what kind of life they could have together. Mentally he ran through all the extraction jutsus he knew. None of them typically ended well for the vessel, and all required some sort of sealing of the extracted entity. Plus they were all much too demanding to be performed alone with low chakra. They were also intended to extract things that were sealed in, and he suspected that Jashin was not exactly sealed - he seemed to have an awful lot of freedom.
Was it just last night he'd told Hidan they'd both start singing Jashin's praises if he started 'falling apart'? With what he knew now, he just couldn't. Leaving things as they were was unthinkable. But as he gave in to sleep himself an isolated idea occurred to him - maybe the stakes in this were high for Jashin as well. Why else would he throw a tantrum in Hidan's body like an evil parasitic toddler? On the edge of sleep, he couldn't think it through, though. He'd think about it in the morning.