A/N: Oh loyal fans, how dearly I love you all and how sad I am that I am taking forever to keep posting. I started a new full-time job and it is consuming my energies. With the release of Suicide Squad [ambivalent] and the youtube video "The Laughing Man" [worth a watch, so worth it] I felt inspired. I will keep trying for you, dear readers. I promise big things are coming...
Chapter 5: No Use Crying About It
Oh, all of these minutes passing, sick of feeling used
If you wanna break these walls down, you're gonna get bruised
Now my neck is open wide begging for a fist around it
Already choking on my pride, no use crying about it
"Castle," Halsey
I think you could have heard a fucking pin drop in that room. I slowly looked between Pam and her parents, waiting for a reaction.
"Are you joking?" Angela asked, her voice cautious, reluctant.
"I wish I was, but I'm not." Pam replied, her face growing redder by the second, "I am all kinds of knocked up."
I suppressed a chuckle because – well obviously, not the right moment.
Mike stood up silently and walked over to Pam. She looked up at him expectantly, nervously. He reached down and proffered an embrace, "I am so happy for you, honey. We're here for you. Aren't we, Angela?" he asked pointedly.
Angela nodded, "Of course, Pamela, of course. Your father's right. This is a blessing. We're going to have a grandchild. Honestly, never thought it was going to happen, considering the…lesbian business."
It felt like the air returned the room. I let out a deep breath.
Pam rolled her eyes, "Thanks, Mom, always so tactful in your approach."
"You are going to be a mother." She repeated, as if she were trying to wrap her mind around the words.
"Yes, indeed." Mike grinned, "This is amazing! Awkward question and I am sorry to be asking it, but who is the father?"
Pam pursed her lips, "That's the funny thing…I am not sure."
Angela's face went dead-pan, "That's lovely. How are you not sure?"
"Because I…well, I was…how do you explain that you whored around to your parents? This is just too much."
I merely put my forehead down on the table.
The Joker patted my back, "You know of my checkered past, babe, and the things I've been through. But honestly, I've never been in a weirder moment in my entire life."
"Somehow I believe it." I muttered.
"Do you plan on telling the father?" Angela inquired.
I lifted my head, "Good question. Rebuttal?" I looked at Pam.
Pam glared at me, murderous, "I am working on it."
"I'm helping!" I volunteered.
"Well, that does make me feel a little more at ease." Angela admitted.
"I'm the trustworthy one." I said, feeling smug.
"It's because you're not their child." Pam retorted.
"Fair." I dug into my mashed potatoes, "So when are we booking the plane tickets? In a few months, you won't be able to fly and I am not missing this drama."
"We have other things to tend to, remember?" the Joker said under his breath.
"That can wait." I said, dismissing him.
"I could get murdered or something but whatever, it's fine." He said petulantly.
"We'll all go to New York. I'll help Pam and then join you. It will be fine." I said, grasping his hand under the table, squeezing it, "I told you I'm with you to the end, babe."
"I know, but I'd rather the end be later rather than sooner."
"Gee, babe, so would I. God, quit the melodramatics."
"I'm melodramatic? This coming from a woman that would swear weekly that she was going to stop watching Grey's Anatomy."
"Shonda Rhimes toys with my goddamn emotions!" I snapped, "How she could kill off Derek [spoilers] is beyond me!"
I looked up and Pam was staring at me with widened eyes.
"DEREK IS DEAD?!" Pam wailed, tears flowing down her face, "UGH, stupid hormones! Stupid baby, fucking with me!"
"What is happening?" Mike asked, looking around wildly, "Who is Derek?"
"Don't worry about it." The Joker said, shaking his head in embarrassment.
…
Two days later, we were packed up and ready to board the plane to New York. Mike and Angela were driving us to the airport, Olivia in tow, playing innocently with her doll. I looked down at her, feeling a surge of guilt at leaving her again. I felt like I had just begun to re-forge my bond with her. It was so much time and it was not enough time. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times – wait, sorry, copyright infringement? I don't know. Let's keep moving.
We got to the airline drop-off point and Mike and the Joker were heaving all of me and Pam's bags out of the trunk. We're women; we don't pack light. Literally all my boyfriend had was a duffel bag that contained all of his worldly possessions. Including that pesky diamond monstrosity he wanted to give me. I am going to keep ignoring it like the very mature adult that I am.
We embraced the Isley's, promising them that we'd see them very soon.
"I cannot thank you enough for what you're doing for us." I said quietly to Angela.
"It's no trouble at all. We have a huge, empty house and Mike still works so much. It will be a welcome change to have a child around the house. I guess I should start preparing for that." She glanced over at Pam, who looked like she was on the verge of vomiting.
"Hang on." She grumbled and ran to a trash can, where she proceeded to puke her guts out, "Pregnancy is the literal worst!" she yelled to no one in particular.
"We've all been through it, dear." Angela called. She looked back at me, "Please, for God's sakes, take care of her. Make sure she goes to a doctor."
"That's the first thing on the list." I said, showing her the aforementioned list on my phone.
"Alright, that's good."
"Make sure you send me updates or pictures of Liv when you get a chance. Record stuff. Let her ride a pony or something. She'll love it." I said, feeling myself rambling to try to stave off the tears.
Angela hugged me again, "Harley, I promise it'll be ok. She will be just fine. You're doing the right thing."
"I know, it just feels like the wrong thing right now."
The Joker walked over, holding our daughter, and said, "We've got to get going. They won't let us stay here much longer."
"Yeah, I know." I said, choking on my own voice. I looked in her big blue eyes, so much like mine, and I said, "Ok, Mommy and Daddy are going on a trip, Livie. We'll be back so soon you won't even remember we're gone."
"Can you say bye-bye?" the Joker said to her.
She waved her little fingers, "Go bye-bye."
"I AM NOT OK." I said, turning away.
"Babe, cool it. We will be back soon." He said, putting on this bravado, but he was actually choking up a little himself. He knelt down by her, "Daddy loves you."
"Daddy!" she exclaimed, and my heart was broken into like a billion kajillion pieces. Fucking…ugh.
I know it's super awful to say, but I never thought I would love my child as much as I do. People kept telling me how amazing it is, and I'm going to be honest, there are moments I really don't get it, like when she vomits on me or is completely stubborn and doesn't listen – obviously did not get that from me – and then there are moments like this one where I feel something deep in my gut that has never been there before. As we all know, I am emotionally stunted as fuck, so motherhood has been very confusing for me. The Joker took to it like nobody's business. No one has been more shocked than I am about that.
I guess sometimes it's hard to remember that he was someone else before he became…whatever this was. That he was a normal guy, who was married, wanted to have kids. It was easy to get lost in his persona and I had to remind myself that he is human and that he wasn't always a whack job.
"Let's go." I said, tugging on his arm, "I can't take this."
"Ok, ok." He said, "Bye, Mike, Angela. I can't thank you enough."
"It's completely fine." Angela said, smiling down at Olivia, "We're happy to help. Come back as soon as you can."
"We will." I said, and I stole one last glance at them loading into the car before they drove away. I swallowed hard, willing myself to not cry like a goddamn fool.
Pam was meanwhile still hovering over the top of the garbage can, moaning, "This is the worst thing ever. I mean it."
"You got like 7 more months to go, girl, so buck up." I said.
"Thanks for the sympathy." She said wryly.
I simpered, "You're welcome. Let's go check in."
We checked in for our flight and headed through the security line. Always mildly stressful considering we don't have real identities anymore. Hashtag life of a felon.
We got through the security without much ado and went toward the gate; our flight was set to leave in about an hour. Pam made it about halfway there before she bolted for the nearest bathroom.
"Should you go with her?" Mr. J asked.
"I would really prefer not." I said, scrunching up my nose, "She didn't help me when I was vomiting during my own pregnancy. She'll be ok."
"Boy, if I didn't know you, I'd swear to God you were a robot." He shook his head.
"I am pretty fleshy for a robot." I said, poking my boob.
"I'd say you are pretty sexy for a robot." He grinned.
"Haha," I said in a sarcastic tone. We had made it to the gate and set our stuff down, including Pam's because she had unceremoniously dumped it when running to the restroom.
"Speaking of…" he said, his voice trailing off.
"Of what?" I asked, digging through my bag for my Kindle.
"We haven't, you know…" he said, insinuating.
"Bang bang bangity banged?" I filled in, not very much bothering to lower my voice.
"Lovely way to put it. As always, so tactful, my dear, but yes."
"Eh." I shrugged.
He sat there for a moment in silence, staring pointedly at me while I was attempting to read. Finally, I looked up, "Can I help you?"
"Eh is not a satisfactory response to my statement."
"I'm sorry, tell me what you want me to say. Oh, my loins are burning for you. I can't breathe without you touching me. I am so hot for teacher. Or whatever." I said, turning my attention back to my book.
"Seriously?" he snapped, "That's the way you want to play this? With your condescending, nasty attitude? Sometimes, Harleen…sometimes I just want to smack you."
"Oh please, go ahead. I want to feel alive." I knew I was being an ass-hole, but I think I lost any fucks I had to give a long time ago.
"You are the absolute worst girlfriend on earth."
"Give me a goddamn medal. It must be an Olympic sport by now."
"Ok, listen," he inhaled deeply, fighting his anger, "I will level with you. I know how you get. You have intimacy issues, I know. It's very difficult for you to connect to me physically, and you know what? I don't pressure you about it at all, so consider yourself lucky."
"As opposed to what? You would force yourself on me like an animal?" I hissed, "Real classy."
"Harley, I love you. I have a child with you. I think it's reasonable to expect a certain level of intimacy with you. I want to express it…you know, physically."
"Every fucking guy says that. They need 'a physical expression of love' to ensure that I care about her. Since when did that matter to you?"
"I need to be with you. It's just…a primal thing. I just see you and I have to be with you. At least once in a while."
I looked at him. His eyes were sincere, that much was obvious, but for some reason, I wasn't buying it. I am very mistrustful of people who want to use sex to get what they want – cough, Selina Kyle, cough – and it doesn't flatter me. He should want to be with me. I'm hot as fuck and I am the mother of his child. Biology says that endears men to us more than anything else.
"Ok, look, I am sorry that I haven't been very accommodating in that regard. I just…I just don't feel the need to do it most of the time. When I want to, I will. I promise. Wouldn't you rather I come willingly than not enjoy it?"
"Sometimes, I just honestly want to put my dick in you." He said bluntly, dead-pan.
"I respect that. That's at least honest. Be honest with me. For that, I think you've earned a gift from me to be redeemed later." I said, "We have an understanding?"
"Good." He said, "Do you want a breakfast sandwich?"
Men are fucking simple and stupid creatures, aren't they?
"Yes, but it better have bacon on it or I am not accepting it."
"Why in the world would I ever order something without bacon on it? God, it's like you don't even know me at all." He scoffed.
"And coffee, please…" I said as he started walking away, "Puddin'."
He halted, and slowly turned around, "Not in public."
"Go make yourself useful." I said, shooing him away.
He secretly likes it.
Pam came strolling by and plopped down in what was previously the Joker's seat, "He looked like someone punched him in the nuts."
"I might as well have." I shrugged.
"Are you being emotionally unavailable again?" Pam asked, digging in her purse for her phone, "It's getting a little old, don't you think? The whole 'I'm a tough bitch' act only works if you actually are one."
"Oh, just like you, right?" I said, dead-pan.
"I'm tougher than you." She retorted.
"You had a fucking pony growing up. I had to pay my way through college."
"Oh yeah, right, on a gymnastics scholarship. Real tough."
"I still had to waitress in grad school!" I replied with vigor.
"I had a man do science experiments on me and turn my skin green!"
"Well, you do have me there." I admitted, "Let's just agree to disagree. We both have made stupid decisions that made our lives difficult."
"My bad decision is growing a mile a minute in my stomach." She said, leaning back against the seat, "What the hell am I going to do?"
"Aren't you happy?"
"Of course I am. You know how badly I wanted a baby. But…not like this. I thought that maybe there would at least be a father…or a surrogate mom or something. But now I am all alone."
"You have me and Mr. J." I offered.
"Fat load of good that'll do me when you're off in fucking Myanmar or whatever." She snorted derisively.
"We were going to London. Not even close. But we're here now. And we are helping you. He's got business to attend to anyway."
"What kind of business?"
"Oh, you know, the whole thing about us being stalked by a gang that he owes money to. That old chestnut." I said, feigning nonchalance.
"So normal."
"Oh yeah, just everyday stuff." I affirmed, "So, what's the plan once we get to New York? We track these men down, lure them to a secret spot and force them to do a paternity test?"
"That is so not what we are doing." She glared at me, "You have a messed-up brain."
"Honey, I am in a long-term relationship with a man who dresses up like a clown and has –" I lowered my voice, "-murdered people for fun. I think we passed 'messed-up' a long time ago on the highway to hell."
"Oh great, now you have 'Highway to Hell' stuck in my head."
"That should be our theme song."
"No, I think personally mine would be 'Crazy Bitch'."
"That's stellar. I like it." I grinned.
"What about you?"
"I told you, it would be 'Hold Me Down' by Halsey. That woman just gets me."
She rolled her eyes, "Mhm. Not hitting it on the nose at all."
"No, never."
Breaking the fourth wall is fun, right?
…
After 4 and a half very long and cramped hours in coach (ew) on the plane, we finally disentangled ourselves from our seats and out into the airport. Pam had managed to monopolize the bathroom the entire flight due to her constant vomiting and so everyone was crabby because they had to pee and she kept telling them to 'fuck off or be fucked'. That's my girl. Just so kind and saintly.
"This child better literally never give me any problems because this pregnancy sucks my dick so far." She wailed loudly, causing some yuppie-looking moms to cover their children's ears.
"Out of pity, I hope the same for you." I said.
"We got a good one." The Joker added.
"Oh, we totally did. She's my precious cinnamon roll who will never do anything wrong." I agreed.
"Nope, never will."
"What are you going to do when she gets a boyfriend?" Pam teased.
"I will decapitate him." The Joker said gravely.
"Oh yeah right, you old softie. I saw you playing Barbie dolls with her the other day and making goofy voices. You've completely lost your edge." Pam chuckled, "I hardly ever even see you with your makeup on anymore."
"I don't need it. I think it would scare Liv." He said, "I couldn't bear that."
"Will you ever be…you know, 'you' again?" Pam asked.
"Yes, in a matter of hours I will have to re-access that part of myself. To be honest, I am about 75 percent looking forward to it. It will be like coming home, threatening people with bodily harm." He smiled that mischievous half-smile that always gave my heart a little jolt. It reminded me of the first time I saw him in Arkham, that same smile that drew me in.
"And you will be donning your old costume as well?" Pam directed her inquiry toward me.
"If the occasion calls for it. I do miss the smell of that plastic-y leather. What a reminder of the carefree days." I said wistfully.
"I wouldn't describe them as carefree." Mr. J said dryly, "Let's go with perhaps dilapidated, garbage-person life."
"Yeah, but we were so different then. Not a care in the goddamn world. Now we're…parents." I shuddered.
"Didn't exactly stop you." He pointed out.
"I had a momentary freak-out. Happens." I said, flushing.
"More than once?" Pam piped up.
"More than twice?" the Joker said.
"I think we've lost count at this point." Pam added.
"Unimportant." I said dismissively, "Let's get our shit together and come up with a plan. We have bigger fish to fry."
"I have access to piranhas if that works." He said, grinning.
"You read my mind, Mr. J." I said, planting a kiss on his cheek.