Sometimes, Deidara questioned why he was here.
Why Akatsuki?
Then he remembered: that bastard Uchiha. The teenager hardly older than him that had brought him to his lowest point in recent memory with less than minimal effort and made him look the fool. Oh, how he wanted to destroy the overpowered bastard, release him into a minefield of his art — only the finest quality for the handsome man — and watch him suffer as he finally came to realise who was superior.
Fatigue from a lacking night's rest began to set in as his thoughts of the elder Uchiha survivor became distant.
Looking to the side, he could see the bright line of chalk that his roommate, Sasori, had established the moment they were forced to share the room. The redhead was turned away from him, wood back unwavering as he worked at his own art diligently.
Deidara scoffed.
Eternity was not art. Art could only be experienced in pieces, the fragments only ever brought together with the unique experiences and suffering of individuals. All should know the fleeting beauty of art, not Sasori's admittedly aesthetically pleasing recreational toys.
Maybe Deidara had a thing for quite a few members of the Akatsuki, but could he blame himself? He only went for the hottest, and S-Rank criminals weren't feared for being ugly. Uchiha Itachi was a prime example, dark and mysterious, while Sasori was too terrible to pass up, the worst artist he'd ever met, but nonetheless an artist and he could respect that.
Grumbling about pale-skinned(wooded?) beauties, Deidara prepared himself for the upcoming hours.
One kidnapped jinchūriki of Sunagakure no Sato was about to be served to Akatsuki on a silver platter, and it was Deidara's turn to cook.
It was over a day later that Deidara had a very sudden dilemma.
Kidnap the jinchūriki Kazekage? Check.
Extract the Ichibi? Success.
Volunteer to hold off reinforcements from Konoha? Well, not 'check' yet, but he could handle it.
The great boulder that defended this particular hideout had cracked and broke apart like glass. The culprit was a frail-looking kunoichi, but she wasn't the centre of his attention. The Kyūbi jinchūriki was set in his sights, easily identifiable by Itachi's description.
Maybe, he mused, she was beautiful.
Long, tousled hair fell around her from a braided ponytail, brighter than his own hair and framing a face of darker skin than his. Then again, she wore an eyesore shade of orange, so Deidara wasn't sure if she was to his standards.
Her blue eyes became crimson as she saw Deidara sitting on the corpse of the latest Kazekage.
He smirked as her anger overwhelmed her.
Sasori could handle himself against the pink-haired kunoichi and old lady, so Deidara was more than free to go flying out of the cave on C2, his flight-capable clay dragon.
Cackling wildly, he spotted the blonde kunoichi trailing him.
He frowned a bit as the silver-haired Copy Ninja began pursuit as well.
The two began conversing, the blonde calming down minutely at the older shinobi's words, then they both stopped pursuing him so intensely. They made sure to stay in sight, but now both parties were out of range of each other.
Taunting didn't do much, though a little bit of personal pride swelled in Deidara as he saw more of the headstrong blonde's chakra flicker red.
The Copy Ninja uncovered his left eye and Deidara growled.
The Sharingan. That thing was going to be the death of him, he swore.
Wary of the famous jōnin having a long range Sharingan ability like Itachi, Deidara picked up his pace and height, not actually very scared. No one was as powerful as that damned Uchiha, but it was fine to be a bit careful. People didn't become famous in the Bingo Books of foreign countries for being dead.
Of course, Deidara didn't expect his arm to be sniped off.
And that's the story of how Deidara found himself alone in the forest, armless and desperately hiding. He scoffed at his missing arms. Worse could've happened. Better his arms than his life, he mused, especially against Kakashi of the Sharingan.
It was too long before anything happened. Deidara decided to stay put in the forest so Akatsuki could find him. Then again, Deidara didn't expect someone else to find him. He really needed to stop getting surprised by things.
"An apology would be nice y'know."
Deidara did not scream. Nope. But he did whip around and leap back, coming face to face with the blonde jinchūriki who was so fond of the Kazekage. She was a lot less angry than be expected.
She stood behind where he just was, hands shoved in her pockets almost lazily, looking bored in an almost mocking imitation of the Copy Ninja.
"Y'know," the blond continued. "An apology? For kidnapping and killing my friend."
"What, you have a thing for him or somethin', un?"
The blonde wasn't nearly as annoyed at his comment as she should be considering everything he knew about her, but he still saw the ire that flashed in her eyes and the sharp breath that flared her eyelids and nostrils.
"Gaara's like a brother to me so: no way!"
Deidara snickered, but then blinked.
"You know that your little Kage friend's dead, right?"
The blonde scoffed and smirked, too much like an Uchiha, a look in her eye he'd come to despise from being around Sasori, a look that said she knew everything you did and everything you didn't.
"What?" Deidara reprimanded. "What's with the look?!"
"Secret."
Deidara didn't know why, didn't know how or when, but the jinchūriki was gone in a moment and all he could do was wonder why she hadn't even attempted to attack him.
It was a long time before he saw her again. This time, he had no idea what accursed deity decided to make them cross paths.
Sasori was dead and Deidara has been paired with an eccentric masked idiot who spoke in only the third person.
"Tobi wants water!"
This guy was really getting on his nerves. Even the waiter's smile began to strain.
Kakazu had sewn Deidara's arms back on and now he had his limbs back, which only made him more tempted to blow up the idiot he'd been partnered with.
"Wow, you're almost as annoying as me!"
Tobi and Deidara's heads snapped to the newcomer.
Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Orange eyesore.
Tobi froze for a moment and Deidara's eyes narrowed as the blonde as she casually walked away with a waiter, both going to the doors to the kitchen and the rest of the teahouse.
Tobi was being Tobi again and Deidara soon forgot about the uncomfortable situation to threaten Tobi with death again.
Deidara celebrated only having to deal with one annoying orange-themed person too soon.
The jinchūriki returned in the wait staff uniform of the teahouse and Tobi's water.
Deidara immediately slammed down money on the table and dragged Tobi out of the teahouse.
Nope. No. Nope. It was his day off. He was not dealing with more things than whatever Tobi dished out. Only Tobi. No jinchūriki.
Apparently, the jinchūriki had taken up the duty of returning Deidara's change to him since he'd overpaid after leaving his entire wallet at the teahouse. Deidara slammed the door in her face before she'd even stopped grinning in some morbid pride at having found him. He didn't question how she knew where that Akatsuki hideout was. Or every other hideout.
Thirteen slammed doors, using Tobi as a distraction, going broke over ramen and stabbing the blonde with a three foot long poker from Itachi's mansion of a fireplace had Deidara wailing on the kitchen counter over a tub of ice cream in one of the Akatsuki hideouts. He didn't know which one and he didn't care.
Kakazu came in, frowned disdainfully at the despairing blonde laid out on the kitchen counter like the protagonist of a cliché princess runaway story because of an arranged marriage by her father, perused the fridge, grabbed leftovers from the one time a now-dead member cooked six years ago, and left.
Itachi came in eventually and Deidara got up excitedly, ready to use the Uchiha to forget his woes, when he saw the Kyūbi jinchūriki trailing behind him. Paying no mind to the fact she was counting the cracks in the ceiling, Deidara shot a cowering glare at Itachi. He ignored Deidara and opened the fridge, immediately closing it from the odour and turned around to leave.
The jinchūriki looked at Deidara, held her hands together for the hand seals for Henge and left with a wink. Itachi was no better.
"No one will ever believe you."
If Kakazu heard Deidara's frustrates scream, he'd swear he was deaf since the day Hidan dragged him into an explosion a few months back.
Itachi and the jinchūriki had somehow become friends and the blonde had taken to being anywhere Itachi was (or maybe it was the other way round considering Itachi always seemed to be following her) which also meant that Deidara stalking his eternal rival lead to a lot of unnecessary meetings with his fellow blonde.
He never let her greetings get past 'h-' before he turned the other way.
It was just his luck that the only time he was free of the Kyūbi Jinchūriki was when he was on missions with Tobi, which was hardly much better, but he thought that his luck might finally be coming to a positive turn as he spotted Uchiha Sasuke.
Yes!
He could get revenge on Itachi through his little brother!
Patting himself on the back for his ingenious plan, Deidara made to swoop down and ambush the younger Uchiha.
"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi doesn't think this is a good idea!"
"Oh, shut up, Tobi, this is my chance!"
"But-"
Deidara turned to reprimand Tobi, but the hand on his shoulder wasn't Tobi. In fact, Tobi wasn't right behind him, he remembered. He was meant to be in the sky alone today. Instead, the Kyūbi jinchūriki sat behind him, and he was scared.
The hand on his shoulder wasn't tight, her eyes were open for all to see, her smile was soft and genuine, but she didn't move a single muscle. Her eyes were slowly going bloodshot and her smile seemed less and less genuine as the seconds ticked by. It was about a minute into the strange interaction that Deidara grabbed a kunai and gently poked her. She vanished in a cloud of chakra-infused white smoke.
Goddamn shadow clones.
Those had been a nuisance as well, constantly showing up and only differentiable from the original body because they weren't with Itachi and were always in places that they shouldn't be.
The only levity to his situation was that he got to periodically stab the Kyūbi jinchūriki.
Of course, stabbing the jinchūriki had somehow become an offensive movement since she'd inaugurated herself into their lives, so Deidara often found Itachi lurking near him, eyes threatening to turn red and face scrunched in disdain.
There were strange changes that happened with the blonde's appearance among them: Konan appeared more; the elusive leader seemed less and less aware of what was actually happening; Tobi had begun defending his food with power he didn't possess in any other situation; Kakazu had avoided the jinchūriki at all costs to stay away from Hidan, who had become enamoured with her when she killed a mercenary and turned around with a huge smile and promised lunch to everyone (Deidara dreaded having to kidnap her and was glad he wasn't in charge of the Kyūbi's capture); Kisame had all but become an older brother, easily riled up but only he was allowed to lay a hand on her and if anyone else dared he'd come for them.
And Itachi?
Itachi hovered over the jinchūriki like a human shield and Deidara often half-expected him to bring out a spray bottle and squirt anyone within three feet of his precious blonde. No one was sure if Itachi knew how he appeared to everyone. But something that cemented Itachi's new cliché role was that he could be seen with anyone, but the jinchūriki was only seen with him.
Itachi was like an overbearing, overprotective boyfriend and Deidara had no idea why that bothered him so much. It was only observation that pinned Itachi and the jinchūriki as beautiful, outrageously hot people, not genuine attraction.
Deidara groaned into his hands and called himself an idiot under his breath.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything?"
He didn't have to look up to know it was the loudmouthed blonde girl who'd snuck into his room, and he would've glared if he wasn't so mentally drained.
He paused his drama as he realised that this was the first time he'd seen her without Itachi by her side since she'd first entered the Akatsuki's domain.
It made him hope, but he had no idea what for.