tw: panic attack mentioned

The shock isn't enough to snap him out of his panic, but it gets better after that.

The Detective stays with him, breathes with him, making sure he won't pass out from the lack of oxygen. She strokes gentle circles on his back, and slowly but surely he calms down.

He has no idea what's happening, but when he glances up he sees a take-out box on his piano.

There is something like hope growing inside his grace at the reminder of their routine, and he doesn't have the strength to squash it down.

But he has to know what this is, where they stand. He is already at his breaking point, he won't be able to take more and hold himself together.

He doesn't even need to ask, because the Detective reads him like an open book.

There is a sad smile on her face, as she gets up, tugging his wrist to follow her. They sit down on the couch and she tucks his head beneath her chin while making herself comfortable.

When she starts to gently run her fingers through his hair, he melts into her. He doesn't even try to suppress a sob of pure relief when she doesn't push him away.

She holds him tighter instead and whispers.

"Oh, Lucifer…"

There is so much sorrow in her voice, so much hurt, and it's for him again. And that's still a novel thing, people being sad on his behalf. People being in his corner, not against him.

There is hesitation in her voice too, but her hands don't stop combing through his hairs, so maybe whatever is in her mind won't be too bad. At least he hopes so.

"Lucifer… I wasn't… I wasn't running because you are the devil." She holds him tighter, trying to reassure him she is telling the truth. And she never lied to him before, and he has no idea why would she start now, but if that's not why she ran then why?

"We are soulmates. I realized it when you came home. I tried to tell you everything will be alright, but… you just killed your brother, it was pretty obvious it wouldn't be all right." there is a second of pause before she keeps going again. "I couldn't get it past my lips, so I ran."

Out of all possibilities, he wasn't expecting that.

Did she run, because the thought of sharing a bond with the devil was so awful she couldn't bear to see him? Did she consider it a curse too? A burden?

The hope that has been growing inside him is rapidly disappearing, and he isn't sure when did he start trembling again. The Detective's hold gets weaker, and there is something like heartbreak in her eyes, and that's another thing he doesn't understand.

She is the one who rather pretend he doesn't exist than acknowledge him as a soulmate.

"Why…?" Why is she the one who is hurting, when he is the one who is falling into pieces?

He means to ask that. Means to ask so many things, but his clever words. His best talent abandons him, and he can't quite keep the desperation out of his voice. And she stares a little like this isn't what she was expecting.

Like she bracing herself for anger rather than hurt and he doesn't understand!

"Lucifer, you hate everything that has to do with your father." Her voice cracks making him glance up, and oh she is crying.

He didn't mean to make her cry.

He changes position, still lying on her because he doesn't have the will to give that up, but now looking up. He wipes her tears, but they just keep falling and falling, and he doesn't know what to do.

But even how close they are, he barely catches the soft confession that slips out of her.

"I couldn't bare you hating me."

And that doesn't make sense either.

There isn't any possible alternative where he is capable of hating her or even disliking her. The mere thought is ridiculous, and if it wasn't so obviously bothering her, he would laugh it off.

Yet she still believes it is an option and he needs to understand why. Because if he accidentally made her believe that, he needs to correct it immediately.

Why would the fact they are soulmates bother him? He never had anything against them.

Why would…

Oh…

Humans believe soulmates are a gift from Dad. And he hates all the things that are the fruit of his manipulation, and to the Detective soulmates are one of them.

But…

"...they are not from Dad."

And he probably shouldn't just blurt this out, but he still needs deep breaths just to not spiral, and the Detective is still sobbing silently. The fact that he told her God isn't infallible is the last thing he cares about.

"The lot of you weren't made like this. This is the fruit of your freedom. The one quality that raises you to the celestials. Not even all of my brothers have a bond."

She is listening with parted lips and tears streaming down her face and wonder in her eyes. And he can't help to bask in her attention.

"Soulmates aren't a gift from God. It's the first thing you took for yourself."