Chapter 21. Without You
For the longest time, Sam felt like she was the one who had ascended. Nothing felt real; or maybe she was the one who wasn't real. She was a ghost in her own world; the narrator to her own story – there, but not really part of anything. She drifted through the corridors of the SGC like a phantom, only snapping to life when something threatening loomed their way. The danger made her feel something, the adrenalin kept her alive. But in between, she was nothing.
She often found herself in his office, though it had been taken over by Jonas now, but the Kelownan had kept most of his things, whether for her or for himself, she wasn't sure, but she was grateful all the same. She would wander along the shelves, and Jonas would pretend not to notice the tears in her eyes when she would pick up an artifact and smile at it.
There was the Minoan vase, gifted to them from the Land of Light; that had been after their first kiss. There was the geode sample from P3X-562, and Daniel had told her it was the same beautiful sapphire as her eyes. The photo of her, Cass and Daniel in the park hung on his wall, identical to her own copy on her desk. The carved, wooden totem of a wolf entwined with a raven, gifted to Daniel by Tonane; the shaman had told them he saw their true spirits. And not just these things, but everywhere she looked his ghost haunted her. His sturdy, oak desk reminded her of the time they had made love on it, just before her promotion to Major, the thrill of the forbiddenness when Jack had almost caught them. The storage room on Level 26 was the same; even her house, her couch, her kitchen bench, her bed – everything reminded her of his touch, his kiss, his scent. She could no longer go home – everywhere she looked, all she felt was pain.
Jack had pushed her away at first, dealing with Daniel's death in his own way. He had refused to talk, refused to remember him, to commiserate, refused to acknowledge his absence at all, and Sam resented him for it. But as the months passed, there was nothing else for her but the pain and aching loneliness, and so she renewed the focus that had always come so easily to her, and turned that resentment into obsession.
If she wanted Jack, then it would hurt a little less. If she cared for Jack, then she wouldn't feel so empty. If she loved Jack, then she would stop loving Daniel, and she wouldn't be so dead inside.
It was easy, really. Jack was handsome, strong, an excellent leader – it would be easy for a woman to fall in love with him. She had bought into the lure of the strong, silent type before – the military man; like her father, like her ex-fiancé – she could do it again.
And it helped. Being near him made it easier, made the ache disappear. And so they fought off the Replicators, and thwarted the NID, and synthesised a symbiote alternative for the Jaffa rebellion, and narrowly avoid death at Nirrti's hands, and at times, things didn't seem so bad. At times, she could forget. Until she went home at night, alone, and slept on the floor of her bedroom because she couldn't bring herself to lie in the bed that they had shared.
But now Jack is telling her that Anubis is about to attack Abydos, and he knows this because Daniel told him. And now Teal'c is telling her that he, too, has recently seen Daniel Jackson, and Sam suddenly feels very alone.
And now they're in the pyramid on Abydos, the sounds of Death Gliders and firefight outside echoing in the small chamber, and explosions overhead shaking the walls and making dust rain from the ceiling.
And now he's there. He's there, right in front of her, and she calls out his name and he turns to her.
He looks at her. He looks right through her.
"Sam." He looks away. "Jonas."
And now he's saying something about Ra and a secret chamber, but she can't really hear him and she can't really concentrate because she's somehow both filled with rage and shockingly void of emotion at the same time because how dare he, how dare he, HOW DARE HE.
And now he's gone again, and Jack is trading the Eye of Ra for their lives and they're running through the Stargate, the Ancient tablet tucked firmly under her arm and she's back in the SGC but he's not here.
He's gone. Again. And Sam wants to rage, to smash the tablet into pieces, to throttle Jack until he takes her back to a planet that likely doesn't exist anymore but she also wants to cry, she wants the floor to open and swallow her up so she doesn't have to think anymore; so she doesn't have to feel anymore.
She does none of these things.
O - O - O - O - O
It's a week before Jonas comes barrelling into General Hammond's office, interrupting her report. But he's shouting about the City of the Lost and suddenly she doesn't mind the interruption.
Sam's heart is in her throat from the time they step through the Stargate to the time Colonel Reynolds interrupts Jack's weird conversation with the locals. "Colonel. We found something you might want to see."
SG-3 approaches, accompanied by another, very familiar face, and Sam's heart is no longer in her throat but has fallen out her mouth to splatter on the floor. Her jaw is hanging open and she can't quite believe it's real, but it looks just like him, moves just like him, sounds just like him, and Sam doesn't know whether to be ecstatic or angry or afraid.
"Daniel?" She breathes, terrified to speak his name too loudly for fear he would simply vanish. She reaches out to him, needing to touch him, needing to feel him, warm and alive beneath her fingertips. But he blocks her; he knocks away her hand, frowning down at her like she's insane, and god, maybe she is.
"Do you not recognise us, Daniel Jackson?" She hears Teal'c ask, but she can't seem to tear her eyes away from Daniel's face even as he shakes his head, his frown deepening as he apologises and walks away. She's still staring after him as he disappears into a tent, and she can hear her team discussing what to do next and Jack deciding that he will try to talk some sense into the archaeologist, but still she doesn't turn around.
She watches Jack disappear into the same tent, her feet rooted to the spot. She feels Teal'c come to stand at her side.
"Do not despair, Major Carter, I am certain Daniel Jackson's memories will return to him in time."
Sam tries to swallow, but found her mouth was too dry. "I'm sure you're right, Teal'c."
"But this is not what is concerning you the most, is it?"
She can feel the Jaffa's gaze slide over her, studying, appraising, and she dare not look up for fear those knowing, dark eyes would see straight through her and all her carefully constructed walls. She did not answer and he waited until Jack emerged from the tent, looking dejected, before he spoke again.
"While it may be possible to forget one's past, feelings so true and deep cannot be so easily lost."
Finally, she raises her head to glance up at the tall warrior. He is staring stoically ahead at Jack's approach, but she notices one corner of his mouth has quirked upwards ever so slightly.
"It's like talking to a wall!" Jack shrugs as he re-enters their circle. Sam's gaze returns to the tent, and she chews at her bottom lip, dithering for a moment before finally plucking up her courage. The dirt crunches under her booted feet as she makes her way over to the tent, but she can't hear it over the pounding of her own heart. She hesitates, steeling her resolve, before pushing back the flap and ducking her head into the tent.
"Can I come in?"
Daniel blows out a candle and sits back, leaving him bathed in shadow. "Sure."
She comes further into the tent, but he doesn't look up at her, and Sam has never felt more unsure of herself in her life. What can she possibly say, what could she possibly offer him, that would make him want to return to her? She sits hesitantly beside him; "So..."
"What did you say your name was again?" He interrupts, still not looking at her, and Sam pretends that it doesn't cut her to the bone.
"Samantha Carter. You...used to call me Sam." She says softly, a tiny smile flickering across her face at the memory before it is gone again.
"Yeah, well, like I already told Jim-"
"Err, Jack."
"Jack?" He glances up at her for the briefest second, and she realises she has forgotten how breathtakingly blue his eyes are. Her heart leaps into her throat but his gaze is gone as quickly as it came. "Yeah, I told him."
"I guess..." she begins again after a moment, "what I don't understand is, why aren't you dying to know all about who you are?"
"I am... And, I'm not."
"See, it's the 'not' part that-"
"What if I don't like who I was?" He cut her off, "What if I don't want to be that person?" He turns his face towards her but still doesn't meet her gaze. But the single beam of light from a gap in the tent falls across his face and she takes the opportunity to study him; the fluffy hair that had grown longer since she last laid eyes on him, the strong, sharp jaw, the soft lips, pursed in uncertainty, the familiar pain that tightens around his eyes.
"What if I don't have it in me to make up for something I've done wrong?" He almost whispers, and the question is just so very Daniel that it breaks her heart. He finally meets her eyes and she can read the fear and uncertainty in the azure depths, and she wants so desperately to reach out in that moment and take his hand, to wrap her arms around him, to somehow assure him that she was there, just as she had always been. But she didn't have that right – all she had in this moment were her words.
"I have to admit, that never occurred to me." He broke from her gaze, looking back down to the hands in his lap. Sam inhaled deeply. "Look, we all thought we'd lost you at one point. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. You were—you are—brilliant. One of the most caring, passionate…" The words stuck in her throat and she swallowed them down, deciding to try for a different approach before she said something that raised more questions than it answered.
"You're the type of person who would give his own life for someone he doesn't even know."
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad."
Sam almost smiled, but she pressed on, ignoring the way the back of her throat burned. "If you had one fault, it was that you wanted to save people so badly, y-you wanted to help people so much, that it tore you apart when you couldn't make a difference."
"That actually sounds kind of hard to live up to."
"All I know is that if I were you, I would definitely want to get to know me – you!" She corrected quickly, biting the tip of her own tongue for its slight.
"I get it." He glances up at her, nodding.
"Come back with us. Let us show you who you are instead of just telling you." She pleads, desperate to not give up on him.
"I'll think about it."
He is silent once again and Sam doesn't know what else she can say, how else she can convince him. She nods, hoping that what she has done has been enough. "Okay." She stands slowly, turning to head back out of the tent.
"Samantha Carter?" His voice stops her.
"Yeah?"
"Was there ever anything…between us?"
Sam's eyebrows almost disappear into her hairline, and her heart stutters over a beat before falling into a double-time march. She licks her lips, unsure how to answer. How could he know? He doesn't even remember her; he couldn't possibly know – couldn't possibly understand.
"Us? Uh… No, no, not in…that way. We-we were really, really good friends." And one of us just happened to be in love with the other, she continued silently, but she couldn't burden him with that – not when it meant he may choose not to come back. Sam couldn't – wouldn't – live with that outcome.
"Okay." He nods; his gaze seems to be searching her face and Sam quickly leaves before he catches her in the lie.
She joins the Colonel and Shamda, the village elder, who seem to be discussing monkeys, but Sam isn't really paying attention. Her mind is still back in that tent, lingering on Daniel's question. Jonas and Teal'c join them, the Jaffa wielding his Staff weapon like a walking stick.
"We sent up a UAV." Jonas answers before Jack can even ask the question.
"The ruins are quite extensive." Teal'c adds, his practised eyes quickly scanning their surroundings.
"Yeah, it's going to take us weeks to scour this place properly."
"What of Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c looks to her expectantly, and Sam's heart drops down into her stomach, the failure creeping like bile up her throat. She opens her mouth, for either words or vomit to come out, she's not sure, but Daniel's familiar voice stops her.
"He's going home."
His brilliant blue eyes find hers, and Sam's breath catches in her lungs at the swirling vortex of emotions within her – but the strongest one, the only one she cared about, was hope.