Chapter 22. Revisions

His memory had come back in jolts and starts; like a puzzle he didn't have all the pieces to, and even with the pieces he did have, he still couldn't make out the bigger picture. It was jarring, messy, disorientating. He remembered his wife first. He studied her picture for so long that eventually her name floated through his mind. Sha're. He remembered how much he loved her too, her beautiful smile, the way she said his name, the smell of her dark skin. But the memories only confused him more. If he was married and loved his wife so much, where was she? Why had Sam been the one to find him? Why had Sam been the one to bring him back? To say all those nice things about him like she knew him inside and out? Why, when he first laid eyes on her, first heard her voice, did his heart clench so painfully in his chest, beating like it was trying to break free of his ribcage?

He had gone to Teal'c for answers, for the stoic giant seemed to see all, to know all.

"So...so where is she?" Daniel fidgeted uncomfortably in his cross-legged position opposite Teal'c. He couldn't quite understand how a man so large managed to fold himself into this pretzel for hours on end. Daniel already had pins and needles in his toes.

Teal'c only looked at him sadly, his mouth deeply downturned.

"She's dead." Daniel realised, somehow knowing without being told. Teal'c nodded once.

"And I loved her very much." Daniel's finger trailed over the photograph, studying the face of a dead woman.

"And..." He glanced back up at the Jaffa, wondering if Teal'c would even know the answer. "What about Sam?"

Teal'c raised one eyebrow, his head tilting slightly to the left. "Major Carter?"

Daniel nodded slowly, trying to glimpse any reaction from the Jaffa. "Yeah. I mean is she... Did I... Did I... love her?" The last words came out in only a whisper but the Jaffa heard them nonetheless. The corner of his mouth twitched up ever so slightly.

"You tell me, Daniel Jackson."

Something halfway between a smile and a grimace pulled across Daniel's face. "I... I don't know. I feel...drawn to her, somehow. When I saw her – when she spoke to me in the tent, it felt...familiar...right. And that's why I decided to come back. I somehow knew that...this is where I belonged." Daniel held his breath as he met Teal'c's deep gaze, the dark eyes boring into him, searching for something that Daniel wasn't sure he had.

"Is this not something you should ask Major Carter?"

"Well, I kinda did." Daniel grimaced, running a hand through the back of his hair awkwardly. "She said there was never anything between us."

Teal'c's eyebrow curved towards the ceiling. "Do you believe her to be deceitful?"

"No! I mean... I don't know. Maybe she never felt the same way? Hell, maybe I don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't remember falling in love with her, I just feel...something." He tapped on his chest, where his heart always beat twice as fast whenever he saw her. He didn't know what this feeling was, exactly, but whatever it was, it was strong enough to survive when nothing else did.

Teal'c was silent for an eon, studying the archaeologist intently, before he finally spoke. "To the best of my knowledge, you and Major Carter were not in a romantic relationship. I have, however, observed for some time that there may be something more."

"More?" Daniel didn't realise he was leaning forward, desperate for that spark of hope. That promise of more.

Teal'c inclined his bald head. "Indeed. When you died and ascended to a higher realm, we were all greatly saddened by your loss. However, none more so than Major Carter. The day of your Ascension, she left this base in an upset state and lost control of her motorcycle vehicle."

"She was in an accident?!" Daniel yelped, his eyes wide.

Teal'c inclined his head in confirmation. "She was uninjured, aside from some minor scrapes and bruising. However, for weeks after this she refused to eat, and Colonel O'Neill and Doctor Frasier became quite concerned that she would fall ill."

Daniel ran a hand through his hair, attempting to take in the newly revealed information. Guilt twisted in his gut like a hot knife. He was the cause of her pain. He was the reason she had suffered. And the worst part was, he didn't even know if it was worth it. If what he had left her behind to achieve on a higher plane had truly been that important – or if he had even achieved it at all. Daniel was surprised Sam had even wanted him to come back with her. She must be furious with him.
He glanced up from his melancholy musings to see Teal'c watching him.

"You are troubled by this information, Daniel Jackson."

Daniel nodded, unsure his throat would cooperate at the moment if he tried to speak. He swallowed, unsticking his tongue from the roof of his mouth, then swallowed again. "What if she hates me now?" It was barely a whisper, and he was surprised Teal'c even heard him.

"Daniel Jackson, I do not believe Major Carter harbours hate for you in her heart. Quite the opposite, in fact. For the only time I have ever seen one mourn a loss so deeply was due to the death of a So'mata."

Daniel frowned, his confusion breaking through his despair for a brief moment. "A what?"

Teal'c smiled then, his broad mouth curving upward into a knowing look. "I believe the Tau'ri call them Soulmates."

O - O - O - O - O

Soulmates.

That's what Teal'c had said, and Daniel had almost believed him. But then he remembered.

He remembered everything; the softness of her skin, the touch of her lips, her naked body writhing beneath him, the flush of her cheeks as she cried out above him. He remembered bringing flowers to the infirmary countless times, the days and nights spent by her bedside. He remembered her doing the same for him; he remembered waking up in pain only to feel her hands running through his hair, soothing away the ache. He remembered her holding him after he was forced to re-live the death of his parents, soft hands and soft lips whispering to him, "It's okay, Daniel. I'm here." He remembered the vicious, hateful things he said to her, his mind clouded by addiction, and he remembered the heartbreak he felt when she told him, "It's for the best." He remembered watching her kiss Narim, and become close with Martouf, and he remembered her agony over their deaths.

But most importantly, he remembered the complication; the reason he could never tell her how he truly felt – because though he was deeply and irrevocably in love with Sam, he remembered that she was in love with Jack.

Daniel turned on his side under the cool sheets, the bed squeaking loudly as he shifted. His gaze fell to the bed opposite him; to the peacefully sleeping face less than a foot away, sharing the small bedroom in Pallan and Evalla's home on this distant planet.

Sam shifted in her sleep, turning onto her back and flinging one arm above her head. The night was hot and the sheets had tangled down around her legs, and when she raised her arm her shirt rode up, revealing the smooth planes of her stomach. Her skin was almost silver in the shaft of moonlight that fell across her bed, and Daniel ached to touch it, to touch her. But he couldn't. Not anymore.

"Sam?"
"Hmm?"
God, her eyes are beautiful. The colour of sapphires. The colour of the deepest ocean. The colour of the quartz crystals they found on P3X-562.
"I... remember. Everything."
She is silent, her gaze locked with his, her eyes searching.
"I'm sorry." He whispers, if only to break the silence. "I'm sorry for the pain I caused you."
Her eyes close, her lips part in a silent sigh. She looks pained, even now. But when she opens her eyes, a tiny smile graces her lips.
"It's okay, Daniel. I'm just grateful to have you back."
With one step she closes the distance between them and wraps her arms around his middle. His arms enfold her of their own accord, like they had done this a thousand times before, and he holds her tight. Her face is buried in his chest and he bows his head, allowing himself, just for this moment, to bathe in her scent, her heat, the feel of her body against his.
She lifts her head, the softest smile still upon her lips, and he wants more than anything to claim them with his own.
"Friends?" He asks instead, for this is all he can hope for.
She bites her bottom lip, and for a moment she looks like she wants to say something different, but she says, "Of course, Daniel. Best friends." She breaks out into a wide grin, blinding him with her beauty, and it is infectious because he can feel his own lips part as his mouth pulls upwards.
"Always." She adds, and Daniel must find contentment with that.

Daniel replayed their conversation from earlier that evening over and over in his head. He watched as she shifted again, her face turning towards him and her hand sliding across the bared skin of her stomach. He closed his eyes, blocking out her image, and rolled onto his back. His jaw tightened, his teeth aching as anguish threatened to tear him apart. She may not love him, but at least she didn't hate him, and that was more than he deserved.

He wondered if this was worth it, if any of it was worth it; his ascension, Sha're's death, all the fighting and killing and destruction – was it all worth it just to be close to Sam?
Yes. He knew the answer before he had even finished thinking the question. Yes. Even if she never loved him back. Even if she ended up happily married to Jack, he would stand there as the Best Man at their wedding and be happy for her. Because all he wanted was her happiness, and in the end, that's all that mattered.