Still Stuck

I don't like to admit that I'm wallowing in self-pity, but that night I kind of was.

It had been a few weeks since the meeting with Megan – a few weeks since I'd even seen Lydia – and I was lying in my bed, lost in a spiral of thoughts about the past two years.

I wasn't a murderer – not technically. But for all anyone else cared, I was. I'd been there when Lydia had her "aneurysm." I'd been there when she'd died. And, even when they didn't know that she herself blamed me for her demise, the kids at school all believed it.

I remember being in sophomore year and thinking I didn't fit in anywhere.

I was stupid to think that, because, really, it hadn't been all that bad then.

Now it was.

I didn't like where my brain was going, but it wasn't like I could stop it. I felt like a bystander, watching my thoughts as droplets from a quill, swirl and swooping on a piece of paper, spiraling into feathers and corkscrews, all the while getting tighter and heavier until my whole line of sight was black with ink. There was nothing I could do to clear the page. There was nothing I could do to even direct the currents. My thoughts went on without me, and they went right on to Kasey.

Kasey.

Hadn't she been caught up in this, too?

Not only that, but hadn't she been caught up in this way before I was?

She was tempted into forming an allegiance with a vengeful spirit way before I ever got involved.

Don't get me wrong, I couldn't really blame her. She had no friends, she was an incredibly sensitive kid, and that bitch Sarah was really convincing. To the point that I could have possibly killed my family for her, and that was after only two minutes under her spell – Kasey had been under it for who knows how long, and she had only come close to murder. She never actually did it.

That being said, she was under Sarah's control for a very, very long time, and even after Harmony Valley she was wrapped up in the Sunshine Club before I was. She had even almost sacrificed herself for it.

And where was her trauma? Shouldn't she have, like, post-traumatic-stress or something? At least a little bit of anxiety?

But, no, it looks like I got all of that, and she got off scotch free – she was happy, she had friends – she was popular, even. She was pretty, and carefree. It's not like I wasn't happy for her, because I was. I was just…

Jealous.

The word was bitter and black on my tongue, reminiscent to Aralt's sludge that had forced its way through my teeth.

Jealous.

I didn't want to admit that I was, but….

If the shoe fit.

I was just settling into the idea, letting the ink swirl again, feeling my eye brows twitch as I watched it go, when I heard my door open. I shot up, out of breath and wide eyed as if someone was trying to kill me.

Given my history, that might actually be a possibility. I was tense, silent, ready for a fight, wishing more than anything that my heart would slow down a little.

"…Lexi?"

I nearly passed out from relief.

"Kasey. Gosh, you scared me." I leaned over and flipped my lamp on, illuminating my sister in warm yellow light.

Her hair was dripping from a shower, and she was dressed in a dainty pink nightgown, lacey around the sleeveless collar. No makeup, no hairdo, no fancy clothes. Just Kasey.

And she looked about six years old.

"I.. Can we talk?" She asked softly, and I noticed then that she was fidgeting with her hands, her eyes never really meeting mine.

Immediately, my guard went up.

Maybe I was too quick to judge – maybe, instead of being let off easy without any consequences, my little sister had just neglected to get off. The thoughts were racing through my mind, all of them settled on a single idea: Kasey was caught up in something worse than ever.

I sat up, tense and on edge, and patted my bed with a nod. She tentatively sat on the edge, glancing at me before pulling her legs up, too. She was quiet.

"So…." I said, hoping to speed up the process.

"So…" She parroted. She was playing with the hem of her gown. I drummed my fingers impatiently.

Silence.

"Kase, spit it out. What's going on?"

Kasey took a deep breath, and so did I, steeling myself for the worst.

"So you… you know how I only started my period, like, three months ago?"

I nodded, still suspicious. Was she gonna go all Carrie on us? Make a pact with some demon and start floating stuff with her brain? Blow up the school?

She went on.

"So that means… Like… I only started to have… feelings for people a little while ago. "

Yes, yes, that is what that meant. I knew my sister had already had the sex talk, and even if she hadn't, I knew she wouldn't wake me up at midnight to ask about it. Had she fallen in love in the same way Lydia had?

"And you know that I'm dating Keaton."

Keaton. I recalled the name, and the face, and his constant presence at her side at school. Was he someone bad? Had he made her get back into the stuff from her past, the stuff we were all trying to move past?

"Well, uhm, we have… A… A different situation. Not.. Not like you and Carter. Not like you and.. Jared."

Oh my gosh, she was pregnant.

My baby sister, my fourteen year old infant sister, who sleeps with stuffed animals and still keeps her baby blanket, dubbed Kiki by her one year old lips, under her pillow, who chews on her water bottle spouts like they're sippy cups, who dances in the kitchen to Frozen and is scared to get her learner's permit next year and told me two days ago that mint was too spicy for her was pregnant.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't hear. I think she was still talking to me, but this was too much. She was still a baby, she couldn't have one – how did she even know how sex worked? Like, yeah, she probably knew the basics, but she had actually done it?! I looked her up and down, noticing for the first time she was clutching her ratty white lovey from under her pillow in her right hand.

Why else would she bring that in if she wasn't having a baby?!

Finally, my brain caught up with the situation. It wasn't the end of the world, right? Unless..

Kasey was so trusting – what if it was a Rosemary's Baby situation? What if she was pregnant with the spawn of Satan? The bringer of Armageddon himself?

I looked at her. She had stopped talking a minute ago and was just staring at me.

She looked like she was about to cry.

"Lexi, I'm –" She hiccupped a little, trying to hold her tears back. "I'm gay."

I blinked.

Wait.

What?

I didn't mean to. I really, really didn't. But all my nerves bundled themselves in my throat, and I couldn't help it. I laughed, a big, relieved laugh, and Kasey looked at me with a face of utter hurt and betrayal.

"Wait, Kase, No –" I breathed, pushing down the laughter.

"You think I'm confused, right?" Kasey spat tearfully. She was getting ready to do one of her full on sob-fests, the kind we hadn't seen since before she left for Harmony Valley last year. It wasn't for attention, she just had too much emotion in her little body. And I couldn't let that happen right now.

"What?" I asked, genuinely incredulous. "Kasey, I thought you were pregnant!"

It was her turn to blink.

"Lexi… What? No, ew, what?" Her lips wavered right into a tentative smile, and she even giggled a little. "No!"

"Not only that," I started, laughter bubbling up again. "Not only that, but I thought you were harboring, like, Lucifer's son in your womb."

Kasey guffawed. "What?!"

"I mean, it wouldn't be that crazy! Think of the past few years we've had!"

We hadn't talked about it, like, at all. Not since Lydia's death.

I guess that was my fault. I'd been shut off from everyone. Even my sister.

And yet, it was as easy as that – I'd mentioned it, and we hadn't even stopped laughing. It was acknowledged, not pushed into the corner. And it was okay.

Our laughter died down a little, and Kasey looked up at me. Even though she'd grown recently, she was still shorter than me, her icy blue eyes naturally falling at about my lips. Her eyes were wet, and a tear had slipped down the slope of her cheek.

"Yeah." She finally said, taking a deep breath. She broke eye contact and looked at her hands, which were fiddling with Kiki. "You're… You're not mad at me?"

"…Mad?" I reached a hand over and put it on her knee. She sniffled. "Kase, no. There's nothing wrong with this. Nothing I could be mad over. I'm glad you've found yourself, and I'm glad you trust me with it." I paused. "And I'm glad you're not letting Damian Thorn hang out around your ovaries."

She giggled tearfully, and then she scooted over to where she was seated parallel to me on my left. She pulled the covered up over her and leaned her head on my shoulder.

We were silent for a long time, long enough that I was beginning to doze, when her voice rose from beside me.

"I thought…I thought that's why you'd been so distant lately."

Her voice was clear as a bell, but painfully soft. She continued.

"I thought you'd figured it out, saw me blush when Veronica from home room hugged me at the New Years party." She paused, and I was quiet. "I thought… I thought that's why you left. Because you couldn't stand being associated with a baby lesbian."

"Kasey."

My voice was harsher than I meant it to be, but I kept with it. I put an arm around her, and when my hand landed on her shoulder I could tell she was shaking with sobs.

"Kasey, I love you. And I would say the old 'oh, I love you even if you like girls,' shtick, but it's not even a factor. I don't love you even if. If it's part of who you are, then I love it. That's that."

A beat passed, and then her arms wormed their way around my waist, leaving her head leaning on my chest. She was crying in earnest now, big fat tears leaking down her face and soaking into my pajama shirt.

For a few minutes, I just held her and let her cry, thinking about how she had probably seen things lately.

She must have been terrified.

"Lexi… You remember what I said? When… The night you saved everyone?"

I didn't say anything.

"I meant that. You really are the best big sister anyone could ask for."

I kissed her forehead, her hair still damp, but I didn't respond. How could I?

The best big sister anyone could ask for wouldn't keep hiding things like I was.

She wouldn't keep her sister in the dark while looking at her with envy.

She wouldn't keep the only person who might understand at arm's length.

She wouldn't let the only person who might understand think that she was the problem.

"Kasey, I… I'm sorry I haven't talked to you."

Kasey shrugged.

"'S'okay," She mumbled, her flushed face starting to dry a little. I shook my head.

"No, it's not. I've been… I've lied to you, about being okay. I haven't told you the truth about what's been going on. I should have. It's just…"

I looked down at her to see her crystal blue eyes gazing up at me with the understanding trust only a baby sister could have.

"It's just you've been so happy, and haven't even had to think back on this whole mess. I didn't want to bring you down. I didn't want to make you remember." I sucked in a breath. "I… I thought maybe if I ignored it, I could be like you. I could forget, and… be happy."

Kasey immediately sat up. No more warm face on my chest, no more Kiki tangling with the hem of my shirt in a hug. She was staring at me.

"You're wrong."

Well, yeah, I knew that."

"I know, I should have told you sooner, or—"

"No, Lex. You're wrong about me. I haven't forgotten. I haven't even gotten distracted."

I must have been staring at her like she had two heads, because she reached down and took my hand.

"Alexis, I haven't stopped thinking about it. Not only did I…" She swallowed, "Not only did I almost kill everyone who loved me, I also got you caught up in something even worse. I can't get it out of my head. I've been so selfish and naïve, and I almost…"

She stopped and shook her head.

"The point is, I haven't moved on. I've just… Taken it with me. Like a briefcase. I can't just leave it somewhere, but sometimes, when it's in my hand and I'm at, like, Wendy's or something, I can just barely feel it. And I can get myself a burger, because I'm not letting my briefcase weigh me down. I can think about it later, when I need to get into it. I don't have to have it open all the time."

I smiled. She wasn't ever good at analogies, but this one kind of made sense.

But I frowned again.

"Kasey… You almost what?"

It wasn't really a question. She swallowed and looked away.

"I got everyone into this whole thing, and I thought you hated me, and I had almost killed everyone, and I'm the reason we moved, and… When I wanted to sacrifice myself, it… It wasn't for Aralt. Not entirely."

"Kasey." My voice was stern. Fearful.

She looked at me, and I looked back into the face of a scared child. I didn't want to know, but I asked anyways. Because I needed to.

"Did you try again?"

Kasey shook her head.

"I- I thought about it, yeah, but I never… I'm not going to do anything. Promise."

And then she hugged me, and I hugged her back, and everything spilled out of me like a faucet.

Megan not talking to me, and the weird occult meeting, and Carter and Zoe, and Lydia… Everything.

She listened, nodding where she needed to.

At some point we had laid down in my bed, and she had Kiki held up to her nose like when we were little. With her other hand, she held mine, squeezing every once and a while at just the right moments.

"So… yeah." I whispered, my voice hoarse from rambling. It was nearing two AM now, and I was honestly surprised we were both still awake. Kasey let out a long breath.

"Well…" She said, "That sucks."

"Yeah, it sucks," I laughed. She laughed too, just for a minute, before squeezing my hand again.

"But we'll get through it. I promise."

And, just a little, I believed her. She felt warm, and safe – she was everything a family should be, and I let myself sink into the belief fully. Just for tonight. I would think rationally again tomorrow, but tonight… Tonight, I'm going to be naïve, and I'm going to believe that nothing could get me.

"Yeah." I whispered. "We will."

We both were quiet then, cuddled together like we were seven years old waiting for Santa on Christmas night, and everything was okay.

"Wait." I questioned, "What about Keaton?"

Kasey startled a little, then laughed.

"Lexi, he's like, the gayest guy I've ever met. He's my best friend. We have matching rainbow booty shorts."