Part 2/3
Can't You Tell? She's Broken.
Levi downed another whiskey, face contorting at the vile taste. His throat burning and body warming as the liquid trickled down his throat. His hand reached for the half empty bottle, pouring himself another.
Levi was never one for drinking really. But over the last few months, this little habit had become more and more frequent. It soothed him in an odd sort of way, forced him to relax, helped him forget. He never drank very much, just one or two glasses a few times a week. He could hold his liquor well, so a few glasses didn't really affect him, and he never drank more than that when he had training or missions the next day.
Tonight, however, was an exception.
To hell with training tomorrow, so what if he awoke feeling a little rough? It wasn't like he was the one who would need to run laps or dangle in the air during 3DMG training. He just needed to stand there, give orders and watch the soldiers. He could do that with a mild hangover, surely.
He sighed as he brought the tumbler glass to his lips. Today had really taken it out of him. Levi was rarely bothered by much, it took a lot actually, for anything to really affect him. But today had been so different.
A blazing row with Illyria this morning, followed by being pointedly ignored all day, only to watch her practically hang off several soldiers all day had gotten to him. Levi, despite popular belief, could have quite the jealous streak, when incited. And Illyria had definitely incited it. He just hid it very well, especially in public. But now, in the quiet of his own personal haven, he was able to mull over the events of the day, let his real thoughts come to the front of his mind. Here in his office, with his bottle of whiskey, he could think. And that was one thing Levi really didn't want to do.
Too much thinking for him was dangerous, especially when it concerned Illyria. She was constantly telling him that he worried too much, that he should stop overthinking every little detail, but he couldn't help it. He took several large gulps from the glass, emptying it without a pause and placed the glass back on his desk with a little more force than he had intended. His other hand reached for the whiskey and poured another measure.
His office door flew open and his eyes flickered towards the source of the intrusion as his hand poured the liquid from the bottle. Erwin and Hanji stormed into his office, Hanji closing the door behind her before collapsing on his couch, arms spread across the backrest and tilting her head back, while Erwin took up residence in the chair opposite Levi.
Levi poured a larger drink, having a feeling he was going to need it, emptying the bottle and placing it to the side out of the way. He leaned down, opening a door to his left and pulled a second bottle from his drawer, placing it on the desk.
"Drink?" he asked, glancing up at Erwin who gave one small nod. His eyes moved to the woman on his couch but she did not respond, instead looking intently at him, her face serious and firm, eyes hard and almost angry. It was an expression Levi didn't see often, even less directed at him but he ignored it, grabbing Erwin a glass and pouring the blond man a drink.
Erwin sat casually in the armchair, hands resting neatly in his lap, fingers entwined loosely, head tilted slightly. He accepted the drink with a small 'thanks' which Levi ignored, opting to pick up his own glass and taking a sip, avoiding downing the whole thing now that he had unwanted company.
He was grateful for Erwin and Hanji. Over the years they had each formed some sort of weird bond. He would consider them both friends... but he didn't want this right now. Didn't want them right now. Their pathetic pitying stares, their upturned smiles, their words of wisdom, their impartial advice. He didn't want any of it.
But then Levi was never really one to know what he wanted. A part of him wanted to be left alone. So he could drown his sorrows in alcohol and be left with his own thoughts. Another part of him, wanted someone there, anyone, even if it was the two people he really didn't want there right now. Another part of him, only wanted Illyria. Despite the stupid argument and her downright stubbornness and disrespect. He wanted her. He knew he shouldn't. But he still did.
A part of him wanted to go over every little thing that had happened today and over analyse everything. Wanted to think about any incident that may have happened last week, or the week before that, or a month before that. Wanted to make mountains out of mole hills. Search compulsively for an underlying reason as to why things had escalated the way they had that morning. Was it several little things that he had overlooked? Had there been signs that this was coming that he had missed? Or ignored?
This was how his mind worked. This was why being left on his own with his thoughts, was a dangerous thing. Because he would remember something so trivial, and make it such a big deal. He would overthink it, pick at it like a scab, making it worse, create scenarios in his head and read so deeply into every tiny thing that it would drive him crazy. And then her actions would be justified. Sometimes.
But deep down Levi knew, he knew there was no justification for today. There was no possible way of misreading anything, because she had been just that brutal in her honesty. She had left no room for misinterpretation.
"Where's Illyria?" the commander finally broached the subject, not even attempting to beat around the bush. Levi grit his teeth discreetly, eyebrow arching delicately as he brought the glass back to his lips, fingers gripping the rim in that unique way of his.
"How should I know?" he retorted. He knew exactly what Erwin was doing, and he was by no means going to make it easy for him. Friend or not. If Erwin wanted to pry, he would have to work for it. There wasn't really much to tell in Levi's opinion. Illyria had not exactly been shy with her flirtatious antics at dinner. Pawing at Eren, whispering in Reiner's ear, even overtly throwing poor Armin the occasional seductive glance. She was fishing for attention. And it was attention Levi was adamantly refusing to give her. Though he noticed her indiscretions, he had no intention of giving her what she wanted by acting on them.
"I see. Maybe I should ask Eren, she seemed awfully close to him at dinner." Levi took another sip.
"Did she? I didn't notice." He lied, placing the glass on the desk and fixing his gaze on the dark liquid inside. He took a deep breath, tilting his head back and closing his eyes a little. Erwin, was not for one second fooled by his friends blanket of indifference.
"Really? You barely took your eyes off her all dinner Levi, how could you not notice?" he pushed, making Levi release his breath in a loud sigh, clearly agitated as he turned his head to the commander.
"What do you want, Erwin?" he snapped, his voice expressing his clear lack of enthusiasm for the current conversation. Eyes piercing into the blond mans, a slight warning to his tone. Erwin blinked, big brows burrowing just slightly, eyes soft, almost sympathetic.
"Are you two not talking?" he asked bluntly, taking a sip of his own drink. Levi rolled his eyes.
"No. We had a row. Are you satisfied now?" he replied, fingers reaching for the glass as he gently spun it on the spot, distracting himself, giving him something else to look at rather than Erwin's eyes.
"What about?" his voice was softer now, gently trying to coax his friend into talking. Levi shook his head, picking up the glass and taking a deep swig.
"I can't remember, something stupid." He lied, shutting the commander down instantly. Of course he remembered, he just wasn't willing to talk about it. Levi was like that.
For a while now, Levi had been making occasional comments to Illyria, trying to hint at her that he wanted things to change between them. He was in love with her, and he wanted more than just fun and good sex. He wanted her to actually stay the night once in a while, instead of rushing off as soon as the deed was done. He wanted to know about her, who she was, what she had gone through. He wanted to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he meant something to her, like how she did to him. Wanted confirmation that she was his. Only his.
For months he had dropped titan sized hints, just to have her laugh them off, change the subject or flat out ignore him and shut him down. And he had had enough. This morning he had tried again to tell her what he wanted, what he felt, and she had told him quite pointedly, in no uncertain terms, to drop it.
It had become quite clear to Levi, that Illyria was not on the same page as him. She was not in this for the long haul, preferring much more to act in the here and now, not even contemplating the future. There would have been a time when Levi would have agreed with her, would have dismissed her just as heartlessly, but something had changed.
She was by no means cruel as such, she was just distant. She had absolutely no problem with the physical side of their 'relationship', she was receptive and reactive in equal measures. But the emotional connection, was lacking considerably. She would not talk to him about her feelings, her thoughts, her memories. She would not allow him to get close to her, not allow him to have any form of power over her. Levi had tried to draw something, anything, out of her several times, even giving her little snippets of information to encourage her. But her response was always the same. At first she had shut him down, telling him they didn't need to talk about 'that sort of stuff.' And Levi had just responded by telling her that he had wanted her to know. More recently she had just looked at him blankly, barely responding.
And by bringing up their situation this morning, practically backing her into a corner and forcing her to address his confessions, he had unleashed the fierce side to Illyria. The side that spat venomous truths with hurtful words. The side that was not afraid to crush whoever was in her way, delivering savage blow after savage blow, completely unfeeling to the hurt she was causing. And she had unleashed hell on the captain, completely unrestrained. Which had resulted in the massive row, and she had eventually stormed from the room, telling him that it was his problem, not hers, and if he didn't like it, he didn't have to tolerate it.
The severity of her words, the meaning there, along with the rest of the row had affected Levi more than what he wanted to admit. Coupled with being ignored all day and then seeing her act that way towards the other soldiers, and Levi was a mess. His mind spinning, heart hurting.
Erwin watched the man in front of him. His closest friend, humanities strongest soldier, the powerful and composed Captain Levi Ackerman. It angered him to see the captain hurt like this. Though Levi hid it well, exceptionally well in fact. Erwin let out a small sigh, lowering his head.
"I see... are you alright?" his words lacked confidence, he was unsure if this was the right question or not, the right approach. Levi rolled his eyes, drinking again.
"Fine. Thanks for your concern." He replied. Suddenly, Hanji, who had been sat in silence the entire time, jumped to her feet. Before Levi knew what was going on, she was at his desk, slamming both hands on his desk in a fit of rage. Her eyes almost manic, body shaking from anger, teeth bared. It was as though the animal inside her had finally gotten free. Levi blinked but did nothing else.
"For Christ's sake Levi stop being such a stubborn bastard! You, are obviously, not okay, and that's fine! But do not try to insult our intelligence by trying to make out you are!" Levi rolled his eyes a little, leaning back in his chair and finishing the whiskey in his glass. Hanji had shocked him, but he hid it well, just like all his other emotions. He arched an eyebrow at her disbelievingly.
"Intelligence?" he almost scoffed, indicating that was the one thing Hanji lacked and she grit her teeth, shaking her head.
"I'm not joking, Levi." She hissed, voice dangerously low, threatening the raven haired man.
"Neither am I." He retorted, voice holding equal strength and she shook her head more, punching his desk now in frustration.
"Can't you see we're worried about you, you stupid man!? We know, some shit has gone down with you and that bitch, and we know you're hurting so just cut the crap!" Levi turned away, pouring himself another drink, avoiding Hanji's intense stare. Hanji ran a hand through her hair, lowering her head and taking a deep breath. When she spoke her voice was softer, but still held a bit of a bite.
"She's no good for you, Levi." She stayed, matter of factly, looking back at her friend and folding her arms a little. Levi was unresponsive for a moment, thoughtful, her words reminding him of the day Erwin had warned him about her. Warned him that she would break his heart. Erwin was always right.
"How do you know?" he asked, the words coming out before he could stop them, eyes locking onto Hanji's. Her own orbs softened slightly, a small soft smile adorning her lips.
"Can't you tell? She's broken, Levi." her voice was softer now. Levi gave a slight shake of his head.
"So am I."
"Not like this." She replied, shaking her head a little, clearly disagreeing with him. Levi had no response. Her words echoing in his head just like that day with Erwin. A tense silence reigned for what felt like an eternity as he thought about her words.
There was definitely something not quite right with Illyria. She was damaged, yes, whatever had happened to her in her past had clearly affected her. Levi didn't know what it was though, maybe she had just hardened herself due to death and tragedy, maybe it was a past lover, maybe it was something else entirely. He would never know. Illyria would never divulge that kind of information. She was not one for communication, for confessing deep, dark secrets or sharing stories of a horrifying past. She did not want pity, or judgement, or comfort. She was not one for showing weakness, in any aspect of her life, or admitting that she was still haunted every day by experiences that happened so long ago.
Illyria was a solider. She was ruthless. Strong. Powerful. And she did not need anybody.
Levi stared at the alcohol on his glass, running his fingertip along the rim as his mind processed Hanji's words, dragging up so much more than just the thought that maybe she was right. Hanji sighed.
"It doesn't matter anyway. You're not going to listen. You never do." Her arms dropped to her side as her body gave off an aura of defeat. It was as if she had already made up her mind that talking to him was useless, trying to convince him that Illyria would never change was futile.
Levi licked his lips. He honestly didn't know what to say to that. Obviously a part of him wanted this to blow over. He loved her, and a part of him thought maybe, just maybe, things would change. Maybe she just needed time to adjust. A million other 'maybes' flew around his head, all trying to justify her actions. A part of him was screaming at him to just go to her. To go and find her wherever she may be and apologise. A part of him told him that he didn't even care whether this was all he would get from her, that this was better than nothing.
But another part of him didn't believe any of it.
Another part of him didn't want to apologise. Not this time. He had done nothing wrong. He had simply expressed his feelings, which he was pretty sure was a natural thing in any sort of relationship, sexual or not. And if she wasn't happy with them, that was her right. But to act so callously, to say the things she had said, and do the things she had done today at dinner, was unforgivable.
Hanji looked at Erwin and the blond man sighed, drinking his whiskey and got to his feet.
"I guess we will leave you to it then, Levi. My door is always open should you need anything." And the commander began to walk towards the door. Levi didn't move, still fidgeting with the glass and staring into its watery depths. Hanji observed the man for a moment, leaning across the desk.
"Hey. Listen to me please..." Levi glanced up at her, eyes moving to hers. She looked almost desperate, her recent anger replaced with sorrow and love for the man in front of her.
"She is no good for you, Levi. Leave her. Do it now. Walk. Away. Before she destroys you even more." Levi's eyes twitched slightly at her words, her voice trembling a little as she spoke them. Such feeling behind them. She stood and let out a shaky breath before she left the office with Erwin.
The silence clawed Levi with an icy grip. Alone with his thoughts again.
He quickly downed the rest of his whiskey and stood to his feet, intending to shower and head to bed for the night, despite a tiny voice begging him to search for Illyria.
What if she was with Eren? Or one of the other soldiers? Just the thought made his stomach churn, his anger rising rapidly. He drummed his fingers on the desk, gritting his teeth and taking a moment to compose himself.
As he released a deep breath, his office door flung open. His eyes immediately locking onto the figure walking brazenly through the door. Auburn hair flowing, bouncing in sync with her strides, emerald green eyes staring at him seductively as she crossed the room.
Levi's breathing hitched. He didn't know whether to be relieved or pissed, whether to be happy or angry. Still his heart raced when she smiled at him coyly.
"I thought they would never leave." She teased, reaching both arms up to lock around his neck as she practically hung off him, her face so close to his. Levi grit his teeth, closing his eyes, hands instinctively coming up to grip her biceps, prying her arms from off him. He was still angry. That was the main emotion running through him right now. Anger, hurt, confusion... they all overpowered the relief he felt when he first saw her come through the door.
Detaching her he stepped aside, ignoring her almost confused look as she stood in place, eyes following him.
"What's with your sour face?" She asked, moving to sit on the edge of his desk. Levi looked at her, disbelief written all over his face.
"You're kidding me right?" she shrugged casually and then realisation seemed to dawn on her.
"You're not still pissed about this morning are you? God, let it go Levi." His brows furrowed. He genuinely couldn't believe what he was hearing. He shook his head, tearing his eyes away from hers and looking at the window behind his desk. She really was something else.
Illyria pushed herself off the desk, sauntering over to the raven haired man and slid her hands across the expanse of his stomach, fingers slipping under the fabric of his shirt as her hands reached his sides. Levi seized her wrists roughly, a silent indication that this was not okay.
"Get off me." He hissed, quickly shoving her hands away. He swallowed as he moved to the other side of the desk, attempting to put some distance between them. Illyria arched an eyebrow.
"Someone is playing hard to get tonight." She teased, making her way to the armchair in front of his desk. Levi shook his head.
"Get out." She paused, surprise on her face.
"Excuse me?" she sounded insulted but Levi did not care. How dare she think she could just walk in here and pretend like nothing had happened. Like the conversation this morning had never happened, like she hadn't hurt him, ignored him all day and flirted with whoever she could get her hands on, like none of it would bother him.
"You heard me. Whatever you came here for, you're not getting it from me." Illyria smirked, clearly finding something about the situation amusing. She moved closer to the captain who had say down in his chair. Once again she perched herself on his desk, far too close for Levi's comfort.
"But I came here for you, Sir, nobody else can give me that can they?" she drawled, leaning forward and pressing her lips to Levi's throat. He quickly pulled away, though he would be lying if he said it didn't affect him. It was torture, to be this close to her and not be able to touch her, even though he desperately wanted to. To want her so badly and know that he shouldn't. He wouldn't let her think that this was okay, that it was normal, and she could just do whatever she wanted with no repercussions.
Levi wanted nothing more than to slam her into the wall and have his way with her. To let out all his frustration of the day on the main culprit in the most crude way. But he couldn't... he wouldn't. He shook his head.
"Funny that because not too long ago I didn't even exist and you were all Eren and Reiner." He spat, glaring the redhead in the eyes as she rolled hers.
"It was just a bit of harmless flirting, Levi... I'm here aren't I?" his eyes narrowed considerably.
"Sorry, Illyria, I'm not into sloppy seconds." He stood and Illyria copied, grabbing his wrist firmly.
"I didn't sleep with them you idiot! It was just flirting. I promise..." Levi wasn't sure if he believed her. There was sincerity shining in her eyes, but Illyria was a master of deceit. Levi felt certain that she could feign any emotion should the time call for it. Still, he didn't move. Didn't pull away. Her fingers traced his wrist, tickling the delicate skin there as she took a step closer, her other arm wrapping back around his neck.
"Listen, if I wanted Eren, I could have Eren. But I don't. I want you, Levi." Her voice softened considerably, her other arm moving from his wrist to gently brush his hair behind his ears, fingers ghosting his cheek. Levi was frozen. Hanji's words coming back and repeating in his ears.
A thousand thoughts and feelings ran through Levi's mind. A hundred different responses and outcomes accompanying them. He should tell her where to go, he should kiss her, he should push her away, he should hurt her, he should pull her close.
"This isn't what I want." His voice was just a whisper. Full of so much emotion. They both knew exactly what he meant. But Illyria just looked at him. Eyes almost dead before a small smile pulled onto her face and she chuckled slightly.
"It's not just about what you want, Levi." She teased, gently kissing his cheek. He realised his hands had come to rest at her waist without his permission and he frowned a little, his own body betraying him. He scoffed at her words, shaking his head as he looked into her eyes.
"No. It's always about what you want." His voice was distant, the same monotone it usually was. Illyria smiled.
"Glad we're on the same page." And without further warning she kissed him. And before Levi even thought about anything else, he kissed her back, locking his arms tightly around her body in a crushing embrace.
Whatever it was Illyria was offering right now, it was exactly what he needed.
He would end it tomorrow.
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Part 3 should be up tomorrow!
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