Chapter 27. Heroes
She can't hold it together much longer. She needs out. Out of this metal hell hole, this steel coffin. Far away from the giant ring that sometimes, when it whirs to life, it did not bring back people, just dead bodies. Sometimes it did not bring back anyone at all.
Sam stuffs Teal'c's eulogy speech into the pocket of her dress blues as she rides the elevator to the ground floor. Her foot taps impatiently, her eyes watching the numbers on the digital display above the door slowly tick over. She can feel her eyes burning, feel the lump in her throat threatening to choke her, but she has to hold on; she is not free yet.
The elevator finally comes to a halt and the steel doors ding open. She strides past the guards without stopping; the thunderous look on her face prevents either of them from daring to ask her to sign out. Out of habit, she heads towards the carpark, but then pauses. Last time she drove in this condition, it hadn't turned out so well for her bike. On impulse, she hangs a right instead, marching quickly down the old utility road. She thought she heard a voice call out her name behind her, but she purposefully ignores it, driven by the need to run, to get away, away, away.
The road quickly turns into a dirt track and the evergreen forest swallows her, but still she continues on; not stopping, not slowing down. Move. Keep going. You can't stop. You can't stop. You can't...
The path comes to a dead end; cut through by a rocky gully from years and years of rain and erosion. And now that she finally does stop, her pain quickly catches up to her.
Sam sinks down on a large, flat rock, her knees refusing to hold her any longer. The tears finally break free from the confines of her lashes and slip silently down her cheeks. Her chest aches like a gaping wound, festering in the hot sun.
She stays like this – still, silent, mourning – until the crunch of gravel under booted feet alerts her to someone's approach.
"Hey."
She doesn't turn around. She already knows who it is. She would have known who it was even without him speaking; she could recognise the uncertain cadence of his gait, sense the calming familiarity of his presence, catch the distinct scent of parchment and petrichor as he drew closer.
He doesn't say anything else, just sits down beside her on the rock. She can feel his eyes on her, roaming over her tear-stained face, but she remains stubbornly fixed, gazing out over the ravine that scars the earth. He joins her in silence; only the shrill twitter of birdsong interrupting their quietude. And if his hand slides across her knee to wrap around her own, she pretends not to notice.
When Sam finally gathers the courage to face Daniel, she is surprised to see the droplet rolling off his nose. She grips his hand a little tighter, and he turns his face to her, his watery eyes somehow brighter through his tears, almost electric. His gaze pierces her; through her heart, her soul, through all her carefully constructed walls. He can get to her so easily, stirring up emotions that she had been trying to bury without even a word, and Sam wonders if it's because she can read his own emotions so clearly in those baby blues.
She finds her tears are falling faster now, undone by his rawness, his open vulnerability. The lump in her throat swells until she can't breathe, and she gasps around it, the sobs tearing at her chest, begging to be released. His expression changes, full of broken anguish as another tear races down his cheek and drips off his chin. His hand cups her face, his thumb brushing away the dampness that has accumulated there. She shouldn't be leaning into his touch, shouldn't be closing her eyes and relishing the warmth of his palm, but she is tired. Her soul is tired.
Sam feels strong, familiar arms wrap around her, and she allows herself to fall into him as he pulls her into his lap. He holds her close, safe and secure in his warm embrace. He gently tugs off her flight cap, the pins sliding easily through her hair, and tucks her head under his chin, burying her face in his chest. She should probably feel bad that her tears are soaking through his fancy dress shirt, but at this moment, enveloped in his familiar, elemental scent, she simply couldn't bring herself to care.
They sit like this for a long time, taking comfort in their shared grief and loss. An irreplaceable member of their little Stargate family now gone forever, leaving a blatantly hollow void in their lives. They remain there, clinging to each other, even when the tears had long dried, neither wanting to move, to go on with their lives as if nothing happened; and so they stay until the sun dips below the trees, knowing that here, in each other's arms, it hurts just a little less.