Chapter 1: Hope is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me to Have

Author's Note:

I haven't written a story on this site since middle school, but after about 6 years of hiatus, I am ready to start writing again. This story is the first passion project that I actually got around to starting and I am extremely excited to go on this journey with you all. I would love to have a Beta but, as a new writer I don't have a clue on how to get one, so feel free to PM me is you're interested. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy this story as much as I love writing it.

Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have.

Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman of my past.

- Lana Del Rey

Bella's POV

The wedding invitation slid from my shakey fingertips onto my kitchen table. The glass of wine in my other hand shook unsteadily as I focused on controlling my hammering heart and tear-filled eyes.

Wedding? I thought to myself. How could he be getting married? I traced the intricate gold lettering that read:

You are cordially invited

to celebrate the union between:

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen

Victoria Hazel Landing

The cream lace of the invitation tickled my fingertips and I shivered at the feel. The wine glass in my hand fell from my fingertips, splitting the red liquid on the tile beneath me, and shattering on impact. My tears hit the pristine card one at a time, sinking in and darkening the material with water stains. Sobs wracked through my body, opening the hole in my chest further. I felt empty. He chose her instead of me and I knew it would happen. I let it happen and now I was paying the price.

I stumbled to my room and I was bombarded with the memory of that night. My head was physically spinning, replaying the events of last week as if he was still here.

-0-

The thunder woke me up with a start. I gasped awake, my heart dropping in my chest as I registered the rapid pounding at the door. I wrapped my robe around my body and stumbled towards the front door as the daunting thuds persisted. In my tiny apartment, the sounds echoed through in an eerie manner as the rain assaulted my windows and roof. I swung open the door ready to yell at whoever was waking me up at 3:17 am, but my tired eyes met his wild ones and I wasted no time pulling his dripping form inside. Once the door had closed, I turned to take him in, making sure he was ok.

"Edward! What the hell are you doing here right now? It is 3 in the morning! Are you ok? What's wrong?" I hissed at him. I stripped off his soaked jacket, as I inspected his front for any wounds or signs of damage, but all I saw was his heaving chest as he hyperventilated.

I held his face gently with both my hands, ignoring the cold temperature from the rain having bathed him just outside, and looked into his eyes. The shadows of the night cast darkness throughout my living room, only illuminated by occasional flashes of lightning. His naturally deep green eyes seemed to have darkened exponentially to where they were almost as dark as my brown ones. I couldn't count how many times I had done just this, stare into those beautiful eyes that made my heart melt every time. The crazed look in them was emphasized for a quick second by the light coming in from outside. It pulled at my heartstrings, pulling at them like a puppet master, one flick of his wrist and I was putty in his hands.

"Bella?" He breathed shakily, his chest still heaving hard.

"Bella I…" he shut those eyes, blocking them from my view and shook his head, clearing it quickly, "Bella. Fuck, I'm sorry for waking you up. I just couldn't do this anymore. She deserved better than me and I can't give her what she wants. I am not the man they want me to be."

I took a step back, letting my hands fall to my sides from cradling his face. My heart squeezed at a steady pace now, sending waves of dread into the pits of my stomach. He didn't want her. She deserves better. She deserves better. She deserves better, circled in my head like a never-ending carousel. Each time it came back like a slap in the face. If she deserved better, then why is he here in my house? What did that mean? What did I deserve?

His dark eyes came back into my view, looking panicked as he stepped forward to close the space between us. His big hands hovered over my small shoulders and finally came to rest down on them, encompassing the top half of my body. The weight from them grounded me to reality sharply. I stared at him, my eyes filling with tears, blurring my vision.

"No Bella, I didn't mean it like that I'm sorry. You know how my grandparents are. They're pressuring me into this whole ordeal and I don't want it to be this way. I love Vic but not like that. I don't want it to be this way."

My voice came out raspy "What do you want from me?"

He sighed, pulling me into his arms. One hand cradled my head, and the other snaked around my waist. This was familiar, we had done this a thousand times before. My best friend and the love of my life, forever battling for dominance in my mind. My tears flowed freely now as I knew exactly why he was here.

"I need my best friend, Bella" he whispered in my ear, sending shivers through my spine. I nodded, accepting him as I always would, no matter what. Giving him whatever he needed as long as I had something to give. My arms instinctively wrapped around him as they had time and time again, unwilling to let go.

He pulled apart from me slowly and stared into my eyes for the millionth time, but each time he did I couldn't help but hope he would see through my layers of protective covering and really see the love and adoration I held for this man. He loved me, that I had no doubt about. But he wasn't in love with me, as I had been with him for so long. I pleaded with any higher power for him to see me now.

His fingers stroked my cheek, wiping away my tears. He traced along my jawline and slightly tilted my chin up to face him. He leaned in and I was sure he could feel my heart hammering, mirroring his. His lips were feather-light on my cheek, eliciting a fierce blush to creep up and bloom, setting my skin on fire. I closed my eyes and focused on my ragged breathing. I shook my head slightly and gently pushed him away.

"Edward. No. You have Vic, we can't." I whispered, not believing a word I just said. His lips didn't stop, he placed tiny kisses up to my cheekbone, tightening his hold on me to keep me in place.

"You know damn well what Vic and I have is not love" He countered.

Pulling away from him harder, placing a hand on the gaping wound in my chest that was threatening to open again. I gasped for breath. This wasn't happening. Not like this. I couldn't take it if he was doing what I think he was doing.

"And you love me?" I challenged. My eyes flared with frustration at his antics.

"Bella. I have always loved you. You are everything. Since we were kids I have loved you. I love you today, I will continue to love you tomorrow, and for the rest of my life. Tell me I'm not crazy Bella, I know you feel the same way. Say the word and we'll go. We will run away from here and never look back. We can be together!" He shouted, trying to talk over the thunder booming outside.

My gaze lingered on his pleading figure ahead of me. The part of me that knew how this was going to end wanted to scream at him, accuse him of using me for his own personal benefit. I was his scapegoat, he was headed toward a life full of prestige, status, and business plans, it was the life he was born into and he spent his whole adult life trying to escape. Being with me would give him an easy way out. I knew what I was to him; his best friend, his confidant, his go-to, but the love of his life was not one of them. That part of me wanted to throw him out and say I never wanted to see him again, to leave me the hell alone. But the lovesick girl I trapped deep inside was making her way out, clawing at my resolve, wanting desperately to believe him. I knew he meant what he said, he wouldn't have said it if he didn't. I wasn't sure if I could take it if he changed his mind. My heart ached for his touch, his embrace, and for everything to fall into place like some fairy tale. My life was not nor has ever been a fairytale, but for one night, this one night I let myself believe that magic was real. Hope-filled my chest and I dropped my guard.

He saw my steely resolve falter and took that as a confirmation. He gathered me in his arms, wrapping them around my waist and lifting me off the ground, burying his nose into my neck. I threw my arms around his broad shoulders and gripped my fingers in his wild hair. There silent in the dark, it was easy for me to imagine that the outside world didn't exist, it was just the two of us. Now and forever.

One of his hands crept up to cup the back of my neck and brought his full lips to mine. I relaxed in his arms, letting the intoxicating taste of his mouth overwhelm me. This is what I have craved for so long, his perfect hips to find their way to me. I lost myself in him and pushed away the nagging feeling of regret that I was sure to have in the morning. Right here and right now is what mattered, at this moment he was finally mine.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, trying to close the small distance between us. His hands came up to squeeze my thighs, walking us to my bedroom. He pushed my back against the wall of my bedroom trailing kisses down my neck, gently biting the soft skin that ached for his touch. I let out a little moan and he responded with his own. His hands wandered down my body, caressing my collarbone, my shoulder, following the curve of my thinly veiled breast. I reached down to pull his shirt over his shoulders, exposing his chiseled chest to my waiting eyes. He was perfect in every way. The contour of his muscles rippled with every move he made and I couldn't rip my eyes away. He was beautiful.

He set me down and pulled the thin robe off my body, leaving me in my thin nightgown. His wild eyes raked my body, taking in my figure. His finger brushed the stray hair out away from my face and leaned down to kiss me once more. While the kiss before was full of lust and raw passion, this one was soft and pleading. It was as if he was begging me to believe him, believe he was here for me and not because he wanted an out from the woman waiting for him back home. That night I would believe anything he wanted me to believe. I was too far gone to stop myself now.

I fumbled with the button of his wet jeans and pushed them down around his thighs. He quickly scrambled out of them, leaving him only in his tight briefs. He picked me up, pressing me to his chest. I could feel the thrum of his beating heart, sending my own into a frenzy. I was placed gently on the bed, my long dark hair spreading out underneath me. He gazed at me through hooded eyes and slipped the pale purple nightgown over my head, exposing my bare breasts. He wasted no time placing one in his mouth, the heat spreading through me like a wildfire. I could feel his moans sending vibrations through my whole body. I moaned back, enjoying his touch. He took the other one in his fingertips, pinching it gently, making my back arch off the bed. His body pressed flush against mine, his hardness pressing against my core.

I lost all will power at that moment. I was lost to the moments in between, the fumbling of clothes being taken off. It wasn't until he was lined up ready to enter me and he said: "Bella are you sure?"

My body knew the answer, but my mind grappled for a moment. I could have said no. I could have stopped right there. But in my heart I knew. I was his. I would always be his. But in this one decision, I got to experience for the first time, what it was like for him to be mine.

I nodded and he pushed inside me, taking my body as he had already taken my mind and soul. After that night I had nothing left to give, he had taken everything from me and I knew I would do it all over again.

-0-

He chose her. I was staring at the evidence in my hand. What more concrete than a wedding invitation to tell you that the man you love has made his decision on who he wanted to love. She was who he was meant to be with. I could see flashes of her curly red hair behind my heavy eyelids. Her creamy pale skin speckled with tiny brown freckles. Her eyes are as green as his and dark pink lips. She was beautiful, coming from one of the richest families in Seattle had to help.

My head spun faster as the alcohol kicked in. I could see his smile so clearly. The grin that he reserved only for me on our late night movie binges, pizza, and soda on the coffee table in front of us. Every birthday, graduation, break up, holiday flashed before my eyes like a movie on fast forward. Each image sent a spasm to my chest, making me ache further. I couldn't take it anymore, I lurched forward stumbling to my bathroom and heaved up my dinner.