Quiet Understanding, Hard Spoken Truths and Angered Professions
A short series in which a wise friend, Bozer, who comforts and counsels the important individuals in his life so that they may be together.
Quiet Understanding
Bozer provides a melodic rap to the steal door. He has arrived at Riley's new studio apartment, greasy wheel and banana smoothies in tow. As she slides the heavy door open, Bozer bellows "Surprise! Happy house warming!". Riley chuckles, "wasn't expecting you". "Yup, that's the unfortunate definition of a surprise" he quips. He is invited in with a small smile and a gentle shaking of Riley's head.
"How is the unpacking going?" he quires. "Done and done. The existence of a hacker, everything fits perfectly into a couple suitcases and boxes". As she responds, Bozer notices that the smile she has, never fully reaches the place behind her eyes.
Bozer places the food offering on the kitchen counter, there are minutes of silence when Bozer offers, "I still won't make you say it, but again, I'm here to listen". It's should be an unspoken understanding but Bozer feels compelled to provide a gentle reminder.
Riley has been struggling to keep her thoughts and feelings tightly bottled inside. But there is a consistent threat of it boiling over like the hot bubbles of an emotional soup on a stove top. She finally concedes that releasing a little pressure may overt a full eruption.
She begins out loud for the first time to herself or anyone else, "It hurts but it is okay, I'm can get used to it. I can fake smile. I can pretend to be happy. I can do a lot of things. I just can't pretend I don't love him".
Bozer just observes her in patient silence.
"It's hard, I am waiting for something that might never happen, I hate that I am still hoping, but it is harder to give up everything I want. I'd be his, if he asked", the last part escapes from her lips a soft whisper.
It was the saddest sound to Bozer, as the crack in Riley's voice makes it's seem she is on the edge of tears. "Go ahead and cry if you need too" he offers as a soft encouragement.
"I want to cry" she says with a wistful ache "but no tears come out, I just stare blankly into space as my heart continues to crumble".
Bozer reaches across the counter top to grip her hand, she squeezes back in quiet desperation. Both understand that nothing further needs to be said today.
Hard Spoken Truth
Bozer lets himself through the front door of Mac's house, best friends are not required to knock. He is yelling outwardly, "Mac, where you at?"
No response. A little odd he reasons, but perhaps Mac is elbow greasing a machine or on the verge of blowing up his most recent experiment. He often becomes single minded during a project.
Living room, kitchen, work bench all wholly vacant. Bozer lastly wanders out to the deck, Mac is seated by the outdoor fire pit staring at twirling flames.
"Huston calling Macgyver!" he projects in Mac's direction. Mac's head snaps up, "hey, didn't hear you come in" he says. "Well that was apparent. You were lost in the expanse and space of your head" Bozer is snickering at his own performance with words.
"Huston we have a problem! Is supposed to be your response, my man" continuing with attempts at his Apollo 13 reference. Mac gives something between a grimace and an attempted smirk.
"Mac, seriously who's got you bothered?" he questions.
"Who says I'm bothered? Or that it is a who?" Mac quires, obviously trying to brush away Bozer's insight.
"That would be me, bro. It's your girl conundrum face. Same one you have had since elementary school with your first crush, Marie Jean Anderson, during your debacle that was your attempt to ask her to be your girlfriend."
"Give me a break Boze, I was 10 years old at the time" Mac huffs with embarrassment. Bozer is near a laughing roar recalling details of the event. Instead of the general and socially typical note passed to Marie Jean, with a, will you be my girlfriend, and boxes to check yes or no. Mac had provided his crush with a complex Venn diagram outlining their general compatibility.
Bozer sobered up from the revisited hilarity, "It is Desi?" he asks with seriousness. Bozer is already aware that Mac and Desi continue to exercise an agreed upon "time out" after the ordeal of Mac's appearance of having gone rogue with codex and Desi's response. Mac had acknowledged the serious lack of trust by both parties.
"Nope that one is still in a similar holding pattern" Mac supplied. "Not confident we are going to move past what happened on boyfriend girlfriend level".
"It's Riles… It's like she has jumped track and now her steam engine is running for the hills." Bozer laughed a little internally because it was not a typical metaphor for Mac, although he had made reference to an engine.
"Ever since she moved out its like the distance between us seems to grow exponentially. I miss her Boze, a lot, I miss my best friend", he pauses "present company excluded of course."
"Can I share an observation I have recently made" a wise Bozer asks, attempting to steer the conversation in a needed direction. "Best friends don't look at each other the way you too do… so what really are you?' Although it is a question it is completely rhetorical, because Bozer suspects the answer.
"I don't know what to call it, what has happened or is happening between us" Mac admits, very nervously.
"Mac I'm going to say it for you, because I know you need to hear it audibly for it to click. Buddy… I think you're in love… with Riley."
Mac allows his head to hit the palms of his hands with a deafening slap. "I know" tears like the sound of fabric from his deep in his chest. In a small whisper he adds, "I've known since I reached for her hand, as the reaper was about to kill us both."
"It's just I'm terrified to lose her, Boze… and she is not even mine". Bozer can now hear near panic in Mac's words.
"Mac, this is the girl who would do anything for you, she could have any guy in the world and she would still pick you. She is hopeful, because she believes in you, but at some point she will give up. I don't want you looking back one day and saying, damn that girl really did love me".
Mac just runs his fingers through his hair, head still heavy in his hands.
"Go ahead Mac, overthink it. Hell, create a compatibility chart if that what you need, because when you come to the conclusion about how to love her, you will have most assuredly thought of each and every reason not too. But despite that you will choose to go ahead, it will make it that much sweeter buddy."
Angered Confessions
Riley knows it is a mistake, without a doubt, as she sits awkwardly in her car in Mac's driveway. She is staring intently at her lap, where Mac's MIT hoddie is gripped firmly in her hands. It had accidentally been packed into her belongs during her move. She had, with immense self-criticism and guilt allowed herself to keep it for 3 weeks because it contained his familiar and comforting scent. But it was time to let it go.
She could have returned it at work, however had barely succeeded in remaining professional combined with great distancing from Mac for the past weeks. And handing over the hoodie felt extremely intimate and personal, and she feared would cascade all her previous well be intentions.
Her current plan, admittedly cowardly, was to leave it on the door stoop, ring the bell and run like a kid that has egged his house before Mac could catch her.
"Now or never" she mumbles to herself, exiting her vehicle, serious consideration was made on never.
She pushes at the door buzzer, ready to turn tail, when the door unexpectedly flies open.
"Riles?", Mac's smile is positively brilliant and his cobalt eyes stunning as always.
Mac is floored, Riley has refused all recent invitations to his residence and she had been avoiding him in general for weeks.
"Come in" Mac offers. Riley, scoops down to retrieve the hoddie near his feet and offers it outward, "just wanted to return this" she states simply.
Mac accepts it but questions "You were just going to leave it the door?" he seems hurt, but Riley can't entertain this idea. There will be no hopeful thoughts.
"Please Riley, come inside" he says. Mac concedes to himself that he is not beyond begging if it becomes necessary.
It is not. Riley's resolve founders. She nods firmly and pushes past him through the doorway.
In the comfort of Mac's living-room memories slam at her. Riley takes position on the opposing side from Mac, her arms wrapped around her torso in a closed hug. She is shaking inwardly, praying it is not outwardly obvious.
Mac wants to spew his realized feelings but the terror on Riley's face tells him to move cautiously.
"I miss you, Riles". Mac begins quietly, hoping to warm her gently. "You are on my mind, more than just sometimes."
She frowns, displaced anger starting to churn at his statement. Anger likely to be directed at him but truly at herself, because statements like these continue to let hope creep inward. It threatens all the self-direction that she is to be his friend, to love him from a far because she is choosing his happiness and allowing it to trump hers, every single time.
"I'm just keeping my distance" she retorts, weeks of internal frustration bubble to the surface.
Why? cracks out from Mac. It is mixed loudly with pleading and irritation. "Tell me why Riley?"
"because I know I can't have you" she yells, her glare locked to his.
The soup of emotions Riley that had been contained boils over in waves, sizzling and screaming as it hits the burner. She continues in an exasperated voice, "I want you numbskull! I want to sleep in your stupid hoddie and hold your stupid hand. I want to chill in your bed and talk for fricken hours, all tired and sleepy. I want to lay on your shoulder watching a boring ass movie and fall sleep to have you snap photos and send them to our friends. I want to be scooped up and thrown over your shoulder when I whip your butt at a video games. I want to act like a tiny idiot with you during a dance party in the kitchen. I want you call me dorky nicknames and be the one your speaking about when you say "that's my girl". I want all that bullshit, Angus Macgyver, because I am stupidly in love with you." Her last words seem to be spouted in the higher decimals of her vocal range.
She is now at that ugly intersection between anger and sorrow. Tears are welling in her eyes, dams threatening to fall, to let wetness troll down her cheeks.
Now heart quenching sadness seems to gush from her voice as she continues "But I don't know where I stand with you. I don't know what I mean to you. I just know that every time I think of you, I want to be with you. If you want me in your life than put me there, I can't continue to hope for a spot. It hurts too much."
It is the sweetest profession Mac has ever heard. His heart swells like a balloon, threatening to pop from pressure on a hot day.
Mac charges with intent across the living-room, practically hurdling the expanse of the couch. Gathering Riley roughly against him, he presses a hard kiss to her brash mouth. Riley's yelp of surprise is stifled with Mac's firm and hot lips. She tries to push against the resolute mass of his chest with her palms. Riley knows that just one additional second in his embrace, all her resolve and good intentions will be obliterated. Sensing this Mac tugs her impossibly closer. Only when he registers her willing acceptance does Mac ease the pressure to her mouth and works to adjust his hold. Now his lips begin an adventurous exploration of her mouth for taste and texture which are glorious on both fronts. His hands ease to kneed the fabric and muscles covering her back. He continues the to kiss Riley, every cell in his body screaming in unison.
Riley is now fully absorbed with Mac; her dreams of this moment had been grossly dull compared to mind blowing experience of kissing Angus Macgyver. She parts her lips and tilts her head to improve the connection, all the while tugging and disturbing the blonde locks of his glorious hair. Riley overhears Mac's healthy groan, and strokes her tongue to his to taste him better. Her heart is full, the fullest she can recall in her entire existence. If this was both her first and last kiss with Mac, she would treasure its perfection for her lifetime. Her mind drifted cruelly to possibility of it being a last, it slightly snuffs the enthusiasm of her engagement.
Mac sensed the shift. Finishing with a final and passionate caress to her mouth, Mac lingers close to rest his forehead to hers. His voice low and forced "please don't ever get angry at me again, I love you too much to loose you".
Riley stays silent. Angling his head back, he sees doubts in the shadows under her eyes. He wanted to squish them, with enormous and concluding force.
"I want you, Riles". He says with determination that he hopes she register.
"I want us!"
Using her words, he continues, "I want all that bullshit you mentioned. And… I want stare at your addicting smirk daily. I want to go on random car rides with no destination, and take the long way home barreling out the vocals to your favorite song. I want midnight trips to the store because were hungry and the fridge is completely bare. I want you to call me a dork when I want to throw grapes at your face to see if I can hit your open mouth. I want you to mess my hair with your fingers minutes before a leaving the house."
"I want all of it, with you".
"And only you. Riles, I love you too!"
She stares studying his face with new understanding and belief.
"Riley, say something…" he is pleading yet again.
"Shut up and kiss me again, you dork!" she barely finishes before he lowers his head with satisfaction.