Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 8
EPISODE 20
Airdate: May 10, 2020
"The Heavenly Tapes II"
#TYH814
COLD OPEN
("Lost Freestyle" by Nas plays in the background)
The following message appears over a black screen: "On January 28, 2019, three condensed versions of unaired episodes from the third season of 'Thank You, Heavenly' were presented to the audience for the first time. It was believed that a second batch of unaired episodes was out there, this time from the fourth season. However, it wasn't proven until a studio intern discovered the tapes a couple months ago. Enjoy the sequel. :) - From the 'Thank You, Heavenly' cast and crew." Fade to black.
SEGMENT #1 - "Bienvenue à Paris" (originally shot in July 2015)
(The instrumental to "Adult Film" by Nas featuring Swizz Beatz plays in the background)
Fade into the title card for the opening segment "Bienvenue à Paris," which depicts Sparky and Buster running away from French policemen at night while RK, Wade, and Jaylynn stand on the sidewalk, obliviously eating croque monsieurs.
SCENE 1
Select Hotel Rive Gauche
Interior Hotel Room
Paris, France
Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade are trying to watch TV, but are unable to understand anything because none of it is in English.
BUSTER: We really need a translator here so they can explain everything to us.
RK: Wade, I don't get it. I thought you knew French, that's why you wanted to come here so bad.
WADE: You have the memory of a honey roasted peanut. We were all deciding where to go for summer vacation, you guys wanted to travel to a foreign country, I warned you about the language barrier and the cultural differences, then you said, "F*** a cultural difference. I'm going to wear my beret everywhere I go." So, there. You deserve everything you're going to get on this trip.
Beat.
RK: Why did you have to violate my existence like that?
WADE: Because you earned it.
At that point, Jaylynn walks into the room.
JAYLYNN: What are you guys still doing here? The tour starts in less than twenty minutes.
SPARKY: Don't worry about it, we'll be okay. We just need to know some basic French while we're here. Our tour guides will help out with the rest.
JAYLYNN: I have no idea if you're talking to me or not.
BUSTER: Does anyone else love Katie? She's the most beautiful woman that's ever been a tour guide.
RK: I guess, but don't you guys find it a little weird that we're taking a Paris tour, and neither of our tour guides are French? What's up with that?
BUSTER: Oh, I see what you're doing, Jennings. You want Katie all to yourself. Well, you can't have her!
RK: I could have her, she could have me. We'll have each other all day, bitch.
SCENE 2
Louvre Museum
Paris, France
The kids are part of the tour that is being led through the Louvre. Two young females are leading the tour.
KATIE: Here, we have ourselves the largest art museum in the world, the Louvre. It first opened on August 10, 1793.
LAURA: The artwork has been split up into several different categories, ranging from Egyptian, Greek, Roman, and Islamic cultures.
RK: Dear God, this is like being in summer school with Mr. Frax.
WADE: Dude, this is the Louvre. This is your opportunity to see some of the greatest paintings in the history of mankind.
RK: Really? Wait a minute. Do you know if they have the one with all the dogs playing poker?
WADE: Uh, they...probably do?
RK: Yes! When these two stop talking, tell them that it's a requirement for us to see that painting.
Sparky looks to the side and sees two French cops staring at him intently. He looks confused and taps Buster on his shoulder.
SPARKY: Buster? There are people staring at me.
BUSTER: Oh, don't worry about it, man. People stare at me all the time. You get used to it.
SPARKY: No, those cops. They're staring at me like I stole something.
Buster looks in Sparky's direction and pretty soon, the cops are staring him down as well.
BUSTER: Okay, I think they're giving me the same look that they're giving you.
SPARKY: Why? We're tourists, we just came here! We didn't even do anything!
BUSTER: Easy. Easy, buddy. Now, this is probably just a misunderstanding. Maybe these cops are modeling agents in plainclothes, and they're mentally scouting us because we're so handsome.
SPARKY: That might be true. We are good looking guys.
BUSTER: Indeed. You know what? Why don't we give them a sign? Like, we're intrigued, but we just can't take the deal.
SPARKY: Okay.
Sparky and Buster give the policemen sly, devious smiles, confusing and slightly disturbing them.
BUSTER: Yup, they really think we're interested now.
SCENE 3
Il Est Recommandé Par Le Chef
Paris, France
The kids are seated inside the restaurant waiting for their food.
JAYLYNN: Ever since we made it to Paris, I just feel fancier. I feel more sophisticated, more cultured.
Jaylynn takes out a toothpick, sunglasses, and a scarf. She puts on the sunglasses, wraps the scarf around her head, and puts the toothpick in her mouth.
RK: What the hell are you doing?
JAYLYNN: I can't just feel different, I have to look different too. Speak different. Voulez vous coucher àvec moi ce soir?
At that point, the guys start laughing, confusing Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: What? What's so funny? If you guys can't appreciate a foreign language, that's on you, not me.
The guys continue laughing.
JAYLYNN: Americans.
At that point, a server comes with five sandwiches and puts them on the table.
RK: Thank you, sir. Or, you know, chateaus and sacre bleu and all that mess.
The server is visibly confused and walks away while shaking his head.
SPARKY: Wait, this is the croque monsieur? Are you sure this is our order, Wade? It looks so plain.
WADE: Yeah, it is. Apparently, the croque monsieur is the French version of a ham and cheese sandwich.
BUSTER: We didn't travel all this way for a ham and cheese sandwich! What's next, they have a fancy version of chocolate milk?
RK: See, this is why the world is in the state it's in now. You have people here passing off our culture as their own and they get away with it by calling it gourmet.
RK begins eating the croque monsieur angrily.
RK: See, I tell ya, these people, they think just because they have all these nice clothes and art pieces, they can do stuff like this, but let me tell ya...these motherf***ers are genius. You guys have to try this sandwich!
The other kids begin eating the croque monsieur and they all get dreamy looks on their faces.
BUSTER: This is the greatest city in the world.
WADE: No doubt about it.
RK: F***, from now on, just call me Pierre de Lumet, I don't care.
SCENE 4
Select Hotel Rive Gauche
Exterior Entrance
Paris, France
Sparky and Buster are about to reenter the hotel when the policemen run up to them, cover their heads with burlap sacks, tie them up, and lead them to a police car while they are heard screaming through the sacks. Some bystanders see the events, but walk away without interfering.
SCENE 5
Police de Paris
Interior Interrogation Room
Paris, France
Sparky and Buster are now being questioned by the policemen.
SPARKY: Okay, I don't know what's going on here, but you guys are ruining our vacation, so can you please let us go?
COP #1: Oh, you're not going anywhere, thief. You think you're just going to walk out of here with a slap on the wrist?
SPARKY: Yes, because you essentially kidnapped us and forced us here without a warrant!
BUSTER: I can't believe this. I thought you guys smelled like cheese and sunshine, but now I know you just spray that on yourselves to trick people like us into thinking you're good. Well, nobody's falling for that crap anymore.
COP #2: Enough talking! You two should be ashamed of yourselves. You come into a foreign country, nobody bothers you, and you think it's okay to steal the work of our talented artists?!
SPARKY: What the hell are you talking about?!
COP #1: You know exactly what we're talking about, Harry and Jerry. You're Europe's most sought after art thieves, but it ends now. Unless you want to do a little something for us in exchange.
BUSTER: I didn't know French people could be so stupid. My name is Buster Newman, and this is my best friend Sparky MacDougal. We're tourists exploring Paris on a summer trip. Okay? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?!
COP #2: Maybe this wanted poster will refresh your memory.
The cop shows a "Most Wanted" poster of Harry and Jerry, who look eerily similar to Sparky and Buster except for the fact that they have buzzcuts and facial hair.
BUSTER: You drew that just now, there's no way Harry and Jerry look like that.
COP #2: I didn't just draw that.
BUSTER: Maybe you did and you're trying to stick a false charge on us. How about that?
SPARKY: Yeah, how about that?
COP #1: This isn't a false charge! You're Harry and Jerry!
SPARKY: What if you're Harry and Jerry?
Beat.
COP #2: You Americans are so damn slow, I swear.
SCENE 6
Select Hotel Rive Gauche
Interior Hotel Room
Paris, France
That night, Sparky and Buster are talking to the others about the situation.
JAYLYNN: I can't believe they think you're fugitives!
RK: On some level, I can. That's just the way our lives work.
WADE: So, what now? They're going to keep pursuing you until you give up?
SPARKY: No, they let us go due to inconclusive evidence. But they said they're not going to sleep until they bust us.
JAYLYNN: What about suing them for police harassment?
BUSTER: Nah, I don't feel like dealing with the French legal system. I'm pretty sure they show executions on TV here.
RK: Look, guys, the solution is simple. If we can prove that Heckle and Jeckle are out there, then Sparky and Buster are off the hook.
WADE: Harry and Jerry.
RK: Didn't I say that?
JAYLYNN: Okay, but how are we supposed to find international criminals?
RK: Jaylynn, this is the moment I've been waiting for my entire life. To catch a criminal, you have to think like a criminal. Where do they go? What excites them, crime-wise? Who do they pay off? These questions are the true key to unlocking the mindset of bad guys.
WADE: Can you tell us what the plan is before we start assuming you have a rap sheet in other countries?
RK: Alright, here it is.
SCENE 7
Select Hotel Rive Gauche
Exterior Entrance
Paris, France
The kids leave the hotel and look around for any cops.
RK: Okay, I think the coast is clear.
SPARKY: RK, are you sure this will work?
RK: Of course. Criminals are addicted to crime. They love knowing they're doing something wrong. So, we just go back to the Louvre and catch them in the act. Then we have the cops come by to report them.
WADE: So, we would have to hide in the museum until Harry and Jerry sneak in?
RK: Exactly. Don't worry, it won't even take a minute.
SCENE 8
Louvre Museum
Paris, France
("The Black Bond" by Nas plays in the background)
At night, the kids walk into the Louvre and decide to hide out in various places. RK hides in an ancient watering can while Buster hides behind various Picasso paintings. Later on that night, Harry and Jerry sneak in with a grappling hook and a rope through the roof of the museum and begin collecting artifacts. At that point, a whistle is blown by Wade and Harry and Jerry make plans to escape, but are met by Sparky and Buster. The four brawl with each other while RK, Wade, and Jaylynn try to recover the stolen objects. Harry and Jerry briefly gain the upper hand and try escaping, but at that point, the cops apprehend them. However, at the same time, they apprehend Sparky, Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn. The segment ends with all seven of them in multiple police cars being taken to the station. At one point, RK escapes the car while handcuffed and screams "ATTICA!" repeatedly to confused bystanders. The cops subdue him with a taser, and throw him back into the police car, then drive away. Cut to black.
("Vernon Family" by Nas plays in the background)
The following message appears over a black screen: "In late 2015, a commercial featuring RK and KG was developed with Butterfinger. The commercial was set to debut on February 7, 2016 during Super Bowl 50, but CBS banned it from ever airing due to disturbing content. The ad was leaked on the internet months later, but this is the first time it has ever been shown on TV." Fade to black.
BUTTERFINGER COMMERCIAL (originally shot in December 2015)
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Fade in. RK is sleeping in his room late at night as KG walks in. A caption appears on the screen that says "THANK YOU, HEAVENLY & ©2015 Anderson Productions. All Rights Reserved."
KG: Haha, yes! RK's sleeping like a baby, and his Butterfinger is mine. Come talk to me, you little crispy, chocolatey, peanuttery buttery sensation...
KG tries to grab the Butterfinger and "Ring the Alarm" by Beyonce begins playing in the room while an actual alarm goes off.
ALARM: Step away from the Butterfinger! Step away from the Butterfinger!
KG: Yeah, right.
KG tries to grab the Butterfinger again and a handgun appears from inside the wall, which proceeds to shoot KG in the arm. RK wakes up, yawns, and rubs his eyes to see KG holding his arm in pain.
RK: I thought I told you that nobody lays a finger on my Butterfinger, KG.
KG: Will you please stop the music and call AN AMBULANCE?! I'M DYING!
Cut to a shot of the chocolate being poured over the crispy peanut butter bar that serves as the base for Butterfinger.
VOICEOVER: Nobody can resist the crispy, savory crunch of a Butterfinger. *chuckling* Not even pesky older brothers.
Cut to RK and KG in the back of an ambulance surrounded by EMTs.
EMT #1: How did this happen?
RK: Attempted burglary, ma'am. Attempted burglary.
KG: YOU SHOT ME!
RK: The gun shot you, it was just doing its job.
Cut to black.
SEGMENT #2 - "Everybody Hates Anja" (originally shot in October 2015)
(The instrumental to "You Mean the World to Me" by Nas plays in the background)
Fade in. The title card for "Everybody Hates Anja" depicts RK sitting in his room with the lights off, with his head down and his hands on top. Two thought bubbles surround him: One of his girlfriend Anna and one of Anja.
SCENE 9
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is watching TV when RK walks in.
RK: Hey Wade, you got a minute? It's important.
WADE: Sure.
Wade turns off the TV.
WADE: Is everything okay?
RK: No, it's not. I need some advice and you're the only person I can trust not to say anything.
WADE: Well, spit it out, man. I'm getting worried.
RK: Okay. You know how sometimes, you know people?
WADE: I think all of us are lucky to know people at some point in our lives.
RK: Stop it. Anyway, you know someone for a while, and you guys get close. It's a connection. And then all of a sudden, you look at them differently. I don't know.
WADE: I think the pieces are here, but I still need some help.
RK: I have a crush on Anja.
Beat.
WADE: I knew it.
RK: What?
WADE: I knew it. That weird way you two interact, the way you talk about her, I knew you were harboring some longstanding feelings for her that you couldn't articulate. Of course.
RK: I just started having feelings for her! This isn't some longtime crush!
WADE: Alright, alright. Let me give you the benefit of the doubt. So, you have a crush on Anja. But what about Anna?
RK: I love Anna, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to have feelings for Anja, you kidding me? But damn, she's got me going right now.
WADE: Okay. Let's back up the train here. Where did it all start?
RK: I know it was around the time we started doing that report. Yeah, the report about people you don't know, but want to know better. I remember that day.
SCENE 10
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to a flashback of RK and Anja watching TV.
RK: Okay, so your sister really hates Jaylynn, but why? I don't get it.
ANJA: I don't know. I think she wants to be friends with her, she just doesn't know how to say it.
RK: You sure?
ANJA: Could be. I know Jaylynn wants it, but she thinks Lynne is too irritating and immature.
RK: Well, they'll have to work things out eventually.
ANJA: They will. It just takes time.
RK: You know, Anja, I thought I had you all figured out. I thought you were this uptight, judgmental know-it-all.
ANJA: Really? Well, I always thought you were this awkward, TV-obsessed, arrogant weirdo.
RK: Thank you.
ANJA: No, I thought we were talking about our perceptions of each other.
RK: I guess we are now. But I wanted to say that researching you has made me see that you're really cool. You're funny, you're smart, you're caring. You have a lot to offer.
ANJA: Thanks. I think you're really cool too. Honestly, I don't see why we can't be friends.
RK: I guess it's because we didn't know each other before, but now, we do.
ANJA: Wow, what an amazing observation.
RK: Shut up, you know what I said made sense.
RK sighs and then realizes that his heart is beating faster.
RK: What the hell?
ANJA: What's going on?
RK: I don't know, I...probably ate something crazy today. Yeah, those turkey-wrapped hot dogs were probably too much for my stomach to handle.
ANJA: Ugh, all that meat? Dude, you have to expand your horizons. Try some greens. I can whip you up a nice smoothie right now, less than ten minutes.
RK: Nah, I don't think so. I have to scram, but it was great getting to be with you...in a friendly way, of course.
ANJA: Okay, well, are you coming by tomorrow?
RK: Why would I need to come by tomorrow?! Nobody's coming by tomorrow!
ANJA: Dude, the report? You still need to spend some time with me.
RK: Right, right. The report, of course. See, I'm stupid, see, I forgot about that. Well, toodles.
RK leaves the house.
ANJA: Toodles? Please, even I can sound edgier than that.
SCENE 11
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut back to the present day.
WADE: So, Anja doesn't suspect anything?
RK: No. As far as she knows, it's just me being me. Which does make me wonder how much people take me seriously.
WADE: Probably even less than you think.
RK: It's nice that you're joking about my pain. Meanwhile, I'm cheating on Anna with the girl Jaylynn's in love with, but no, let's have some comedy.
WADE: RK, you're blowing this way out of proportion. You haven't done anything yet, you don't want to do anything, and you're not really feeling the way you think you do.
RK: How am I not?
WADE: Because it's all psychosomatic. You think you have feelings for Anja, but you don't. You just had a nice moment with her and overthought it.
RK: Maybe I did do that.
WADE: And if we're being honest, you do have a tendency to get overemotional.
RK: I'm a Jennings. Whatever we feel, we feel it hard.
WADE: Look, if I were you, I would just forget about this. You've wanted to be friends with Anja for a long time. Don't jeopardize that because she flashed you a smile.
RK: You're right, Wade. There's too much on the line here. Anja's still the same person at the end of the day and that's how I'm gonna treat her.
SCENE 12
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One day, RK walks in with a pencil in his ear.
ANJA: Hey RK. What's that smell?
RK: Smell? I don't think I smell anything.
ANJA: Yeah, that's...apple cinnamon. Why do you smell like apple cinnamon?
RK: I can't really say why. I guess I woke up smelling like someone stuck some cinnamon inside an apple.
ANJA: Well, it's great. You know, I love apple cinnamon anything.
RK: Oh yeah. You did say you loved apple cinnamon. Well, don't sniff me too much, I have a paper to write.
ANJA: Hey, I'm with you. Smelling people never ends well.
RK: You know it. So, where did you grow up?
ANJA: Um, Palestine? You asked me that already, remember?
RK: Right. Crap, I don't have a lot of new stuff in my arsenal. You know what? I think you're lying.
ANJA: I'm lying?
RK: Yeah, you're lying. You sit there with those eyes and think I'm just going to believe you because you said it. That's insulting.
ANJA: Fine, be insulted. But there's a reason you should be more insulted.
RK: Why's that?
ANJA: Because I got the last pudding cup in the house.
RK: Excuse me?
ANJA: You're excused. See, I know how much you like pudding, so I was going to give this to you. But you were mean to me so I don't think I'm going to.
RK: That's cool. I don't need the pudding, it probably has hair in it or something.
ANJA: Whatever makes you feel better, bro.
Beat.
RK: Give me that damn pudding.
RK takes the pudding and runs away with it. Anja chases after him.
ANJA: You better give that back. I can take you.
RK: Oh yeah? You're gonna have to kick my ass to get a taste.
ANJA: Gladly.
Anja tackles RK and the two end up wrestling each other while the pudding cup lies on the floor. At that point, Jaylynn walks in.
JAYLYNN: What did I just walk into?
RK: JAYLYNN?!
RK immediately gets up and fixes his hair while staring intently at Jaylynn.
RK: How are you doing today, Jaylynn? You look fit.
JAYLYNN: You're giving me the crazy eyes. I don't like that. What's going on, Anja?
ANJA: Well, I was fighting RK because he stole my pudding.
RK: And because I'm physically superior, I was beating Anja down.
ANJA: Ah, you're so cute for thinking that.
RK: Oh, am I now?
ANJA: Yup, you sure are.
Jaylynn has a suspicious look on her face.
JAYLYNN: Anja, could I talk to you for a minute?
ANJA: Sure.
Jaylynn and Anja walk towards the kitchen while RK watches them. As soon as he knows the girls can't see him, he runs out of the house. Cut to Jaylynn and Anja.
JAYLYNN: Okay, what are you doing?
ANJA: What do you mean? I was fighting RK.
JAYLYNN: No, those little flirty comments you were making. "Oh, you're so cute for thinking that. We were just rassling, and RK's so sweet, I could bake him in my mama's sweet potato pie."
ANJA: Why did you give me a Southern accent?
JAYLYNN: Why would I not give you one? Look, it's cool that you and RK are buddies now, but you need to be careful. He has a girlfriend.
ANJA: Wait. You think that...ewww, you're sick. I don't have a crush on RK!
JAYLYNN: You could have fooled me.
ANJA: Well, I don't. He's not even my type. And I would never flirt with someone when they're dating someone else. How dare you?
JAYLYNN: Alright, sorry. I just thought that was weird.
ANJA: Relax, it's harmless. I don't like RK and RK doesn't like me. Wait a minute, where did he go?
Jaylynn and Anja see that RK is gone.
SCENE 13
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is pacing back and forth while Wade sits on the couch.
RK: And then I left the house, but I looked through the window and she just started grilling Anja like she was flame-broiled. I'm telling you, she's close to figuring everything out.
WADE: I don't want to be that guy, but grilling and flame-broiling are two different techniques.
RK: You say you don't want to be that guy, but you still choose to be. Man, I'm in hell. Once Jaylynn puts two and two together, she'll expose me for having a crush and hate me. Then Anja's gonna hate me. And then Anna's gonna hate me. I'll get so much hate thrown my way, they'll have to start a hate group just to strengthen it.
WADE: It's really not that bad. Just tell Anja the truth. She won't hold it against you, she'll keep it to herself and it will be like it never happened.
RK: No, that's a trap. Jaylynn's her best friend. If I share something personal with her, it's only a matter of time before that damn redhead finds out.
WADE: So, what do you think the solution is? Avoid Anja until you no longer have any feelings for her?
RK: Wait a minute. Wade, that's it. That's genius!
WADE: I was being sarcastic.
RK: No, that's a brilliant idea. The more time I spend with Anja, the more I'm spitting in Anna's face. But if I stop talking to Anja, nobody finds out anything, nobody gets hurt, and I'll get over my crush.
WADE: And you don't think Anja's going to wonder why you suddenly started ignoring her?
RK: Maybe. But I have to crack a few eggs here. I love Anna and I need to keep her in my life.
WADE: Then just tell the damn truth!
Beat.
RK: You know honesty doesn't solve people's problems anymore, right?
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are walking to their lockers one morning.
WADE: So, you've been ignoring Anja for a week now. You really don't regret it?
RK: No, because my crush is finally starting to go away. You know, last week, I had a dream that we were making out?
WADE: Seriously? What was it like?
RK: Child, don't ask me questions like that. You're just as perverted as I was a week ago. But now it's all over and things can go back to normal.
At that point, Jaylynn slams RK's locker shut.
WADE: Yeah, real normal.
RK: What the hell are you doing, Jaylynn? I could've gotten hurt!
JAYLYNN: You deserve to get hurt. Why did you stop hanging out with Anja?
RK: You don't know anything about that.
JAYLYNN: I'm her best friend, she tells me everything. You're not going to her house, you're not returning her calls, and when she tries coming over, you're never there.
RK: Forgive me if I have a busy life. Besides, Anja and I aren't even friends.
JAYLYNN: What does that mean?
RK: I mean, I used her. She was the subject of my report, it was a business partnership. But now, it's over so we should all just get on with our lives.
JAYLYNN: I swear, you're such a f***boy sometimes.
Jaylynn shakes her head and leaves.
RK: She's right. I'm a f***boy of the highest order.
WADE: I think you know what you need to do.
RK: Yeah. Start ignoring Jaylynn.
Wade angrily stares at RK.
RK: I'm kidding!
SCENE 15
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Anja is doing her homework when RK walks in with Anna.
ANJA: Oh, heck naw. You go ghost on me all week and now, you're just walking in here with...with...who's that?
RK: This is my girlfriend Anna.
ANNA: Are you sure we've never met?
RK: I'm positive, I would have bought a diary just to write about it. Alright, Anja. I think you deserve an explanation for what's been going on lately.
ANJA: Yeah, I do. I thought we were having fun.
RK: And we were. Maybe a little too much fun.
ANNA: RK, what are you talking about?
RK: I brought you here because you deserved to know the truth, Anna. The reason I've been ignoring you, Anja, is because...I had a crush on you, okay?!
Beat.
ANJA: Uh, what?
RK: Look, after we started getting along, I was having these feelings for you. I didn't want to mess up what I had with Anna, so I thought if I stayed away from you, it would make things better.
ANJA: Why couldn't you have just told me that?
RK: Because I thought that if I told you, you would get mad and never want to talk to me again.
ANJA: You're so dramatic. I like you, I wouldn't have gotten mad. I probably would have just made fun of you.
RK: Really? Wow. But that still doesn't excuse what I did. Anna, I'm sorry. I betrayed you and led you astray.
ANNA: I can't believe this.
RK: I know. If you want to break up with me, I understand.
ANNA: No, I mean, I can't believe you could ever find another girl attractive. It's madness. How could you have a crush on Anja when you're already dating me?
RK: I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.
ANNA: I am. RK, I don't care that you liked Anja. It's not like you wanted to be with her instead of me. You stopped talking to her just because of how much you cared about me.
RK: So, you're not mad?
ANNA: Of course not. It was just a crush, everyone gets them. I mean, I always thought Sparky was cute, but that doesn't mean I want to be with him.
RK: Huh. I never looked at it that way. Wait, Sparky?
ANNA: What, you want to make something out of it?
RK: No, ma'am.
Cut to black.
("The Art of It" by Nas featuring J. Myers plays in the background)
The following message appears over a black screen: "To promote the fourth season of 'Thank You, Heavenly,' a commercial was shot in the fall of 2015 featuring potential storylines. However, it was never given the green light to air and was shelved for years. Until tonight." Fade to black.
"THANK YOU, HEAVENLY" SEASON 4 PROMOTIONAL SPOT (originally shot in September 2015)
(Etta James' version of "A Sunday Kind of Love" plays in the background)
Shot in black and white, the commercial depicts the main five and select recurring characters in their fanciest clothes at an old-school nightclub. KG tries to sing on stage, but his voice sounds scratchy and it causes the audience to laugh at him. He runs off the stage. Jaylynn gets approached as she leaves the bathroom by various people trying to get her to do her "Mornings Be Like" pose from "To Be or Not to Be a Role Model." RK sees an old lady at the club and she drops two cards on the table: One with Uncle Carmine, and the other showing a man being stabbed in the gut. RK is visibly shocked. In the end, everyone is dancing when the lights go out. When they return, Buster is dead and everyone mourns him while Ashley and Sanna stand on stage with sinister looks on their face. The "Thank You, Heavenly" logo shows up on screen with the date reading September 27. Fade to black.
SEGMENT #3 - "Weekend at Mount Rainier" (originally shot in November 2015)
(The instrumental to "Queens Wolf" by Nas plays in the background)
Fade in. The title card for "Weekend at Mount Rainier" depicts Jaylynn on the ground being cornered by a wolf, while the members of TSE and the Masters of the Universe engage in a tug of war with each other as both groups try pulling her to safety.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The guys are all at their lockers.
SPARKY: Man, I can't wait for this weekend. You think we might actually get to see it, Wade?
WADE: Positive. The Rainier Wolf only comes out of its home every ten years. If we play our cards right, we'll be there at least ten minutes before it emerges.
RK: Wait, it's actually called the Rainier Wolf? What, does it live in a castle?
RK begins cackling and slaps his knee twice.
RK: Oh God, someone stop me!
RK cackles again.
BUSTER: Are you on special medication again?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, what's wrong with you, boy?
RK: You know what? Forget it, you guys ruined it. Just forget it.
The Masters of the Universe arrive to greet the guys.
ASHLEY: Hey guys. What are you planning this weekend?
RK: Why would you ask us a question like that? What's your game?
ASHLEY: See, Jaylynn, I told you it was a bad question.
JAYLYNN: And I told you not to ask when RK's around, so I guess we both dropped the ball here.
SPARKY: What are you guys talking about?
HALLEY: Jaylynn told us about your trip to Mount Rainier and we wanted to tag along.
WADE: I don't think that's going to work out, ladies.
BUSTER: Yeah, this is a TSE trip only. Besides, not just anyone can go. Mount Rainier is for the most rugged of the rugged.
GILCANIA: Don't you still drink Juicy Juice, honey?
BUSTER: I only drink the berry kind. Other than that, I switched to Capri Sun.
ASHLEY: Oh, I get it. This is a trip that girls can't take.
RK: Ugh, son of a...
ASHLEY: No, RK, finish that. Finish your "son of a..."
SPARKY: Guys, this isn't a boys vs. girls thing, this is just our thing. If you want, you can come to Mount Rainier with your own money.
BUSTER: Yeah, I just know you guys are going to try taking extra peanuts from the fridge and I'm not having that on my conscience.
The boys leave at that point.
HALLEY: Can you believe that? They really think we're too girly and feminine to go outdoors.
JAYLYNN: Is it me, or did they make their point clear enough?
GILCANIA: Yeah, we might be looking into it too much, but are you sure you can't convince them, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Doubt it. This trip is for just the five of us. It will give us a chance to reconnect.
HALLEY: Reconnect how? You hang out with them every day!
JAYLYNN: Not on Sundays. Between football games and pay-per-views, we're never together that day.
ASHLEY: So, you really can't fight for us to go? I mean, you're our leader.
JAYLYNN: Sorry. Those are the breaks. I'll see you guys later, okay?
Jaylynn waves goodbye to the girls and heads for class.
HALLEY: Can you believe that?
GILCANIA: I kinda can. Why not pick them over us?
ASHLEY: That's the problem. I feel like she's more loyal to the boys than us.
HALLEY: Of course she is, she's known them longer. But that doesn't mean we have to stay in the city while they have fun.
GILCANIA: What do you mean, boo-boo?
HALLEY: I mean, the three of us get Anja and book a trip to Mount Rainier. We'll have a good time, get some dirt under our nails, and make Jaylynn jealous.
ASHLEY: I don't know. Are we really going to be that petty?
HALLEY: Well, it's temporary petty.
ASHLEY: Alright, I can do temporary petty.
SCENE 17
National Park Inn
Interior Lobby
Ashford, Washington
The kids are at the front desk looking to check in.
SPARKY: Yes, we're here as the MacDougal party of five?
BUSTER: So, how are the rooms getting split?
WADE: Well, I'm assuming it's a three to two split, because one of you will have to...
ASHLEY (O.S.): How are you doing, guys?
The members of TSE turn around to see the Masters behind them, including Anja.
RK: Oh, this is going to be a f***ed up weekend.
SPARKY: You guys made it here?
HALLEY: Yeah. Since you didn't want to invite us on your trip, we decided to take our own.
BUSTER: I don't remember it happening like that.
ANJA: That's how they told me it happened.
JAYLYNN: Anja, you actually decided to go?
ANJA: Well, it wasn't easy. First time they came to me, I told them no. Then they went to Sanna who said...Halley, can you say it?
HALLEY: Sure. Sanna said, and I quote, "I don't f*** with the woods and the woods doesn't f*** with me."
ANJA: So they circled back to me and now, I'm here because why not?
WADE: Since we're all here, why don't we just be civilized and enjoy ourselves? No need for any rivalries.
RK: I agree. As long as they stay out of our way, we'll stay out of theirs.
GILCANIA: We won't be in your way, sweetheart.
RK: I don't believe you. Actions and deeds, not words and lip service.
Beat.
BUSTER: Rainier wolf in a castle! HA! RK, I just got that.
RK: It would have meant more if you got it a couple days ago.
BUSTER: Can't you just be happy that I got it?
RK: A little bit.
SCENE 18
National Park Inn
Interior Hotel Room
Ashford, Washington
Sparky, RK, and Wade walk into the room.
SPARKY: I like this. Comfortable, earthy, a nice down home feel.
RK: Oh no, this is terrible. You booked the wrong room, Sparko, there's no TV here.
SPARKY: There's no TV anywhere in this place.
RK: Wait, what? There's no TV?
SPARKY: No TV.
RK: There's no television. Wade, where's the television? W-where's the Earth? The Earth is gone.
WADE: The Earth isn't gone, you can literally go outside right now and see it.
RK: So, the beds are just facing each other like they're about to get it on? And what am I supposed to fall asleep to?
SPARKY: Fatigue after a long day. Look, RK, the whole point of this trip is to get away from it all. No technology, no distractions. It's just us and nature.
RK: So, I shouldn't have brought my phone and charger with me?
WADE: We told you to leave that stuff at home.
RK: I thought you were being facetious! And yeah, I know that word now.
SCENE 19
National Park Inn
Interior Lobby
Ashford, Washington
The guys are tying their shoes, ready to go outside. Ashley walks up to them.
ASHLEY: Hey Jaylynn, could I talk to you for a minute?
JAYLYNN: Sure.
Ashley and Jaylynn walk over to the corner of the lobby.
ASHLEY: I hope you don't mind us being here.
JAYLYNN: Why would I? You're my group, I love you guys.
ASHLEY: Ah. Great to know. So, there's nothing awkward going on.
JAYLYNN: No, absolutely nothing. Did you guys have some other reason for being here?
ASHLEY: No. But your boys might have.
JAYLYNN: What are you talking about?
ASHLEY: I probably shouldn't say.
JAYLYNN: Or maybe you should say. Come on, man, talk to me. What did the others say?
ASHLEY: Look, it's not a hundred percent, but they were making fun of us. You know, saying how we shouldn't even be out here because we might break a nail? Real sexist shit.
JAYLYNN: Nope, you're wrong. They would never say that stuff. Maybe RK, but even then...
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, I just want to make sure you know how your friends are. Because sometimes, when you're close to someone, you can't really see them.
JAYLYNN: True. That's definitely true. See you at the park.
ASHLEY: You too.
Jaylynn gives Ashley a weird stare.
SCENE 20
Mount Rainier National Park
Pierce County and Lewis County, Washington
The members of TSE are walking through the park and taking pictures.
BUSTER: I can't believe we're really here. Hey, look, a slug!
WADE: Buster, we have slugs at home.
BUSTER: Yeah, but look how fat and disgusting that one is. You only get those when you're around nature.
WADE: Oh God, why did I look at it directly?! RK, do you have your emergency backscratcher? I'm getting hives.
RK: Sorry, dude, I lent it to Jaylynn. I don't know what she did with it.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, damn the person that lost the backscratcher. When I find them, I'll give 'em the old one-two combination.
SPARKY: You don't have to lay it on so thick, you know.
At that point, the girls walk into the same area and see the guys.
ASHLEY: I can't believe this. Are you following us?
WADE: How is that possible? You just arrived to this spot.
HALLEY: Maybe you're just saying that.
WADE: How?! Seriously, HOW?!
RK: Wade, Wade, take a breath. Settle down, it's okay.
WADE: I'm sorry, it's just...between this and the slug, I'm not in a good place right now.
RK: It's alright, it's all good. RK's got ya.
BUSTER: Guys, no offense, but could you leave us alone? We're trying to taste the outdoors.
GILCANIA: Oh, so you can take Jaylynn away again? That's nice.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, what?
ANJA: Ladies, it's okay. We can just keep going and find another spot.
HALLEY: Shut up, Anja, you're supposed to be on our side.
ANJA: Excuse me, who do you think you're talking to like that?
ASHLEY: Great, we're arguing now. Jaylynn, you want to step in and mediate this?
JAYLYNN: Okay, this is ridiculous. Look, you guys, I'm with my friends here. This is our trip and you're making everything awkward.
GILCANIA: Oh, so we're not your friends?
JAYLYNN: You know what I mean.
SPARKY: Don't worry, Jaylynn, no need to explain yourself. They're just jealous because you like us more than them.
HALLEY: You want to repeat that?
SPARKY: Halley, I love you, but I said what I said.
HALLEY: Maybe you don't love me enough if you're just going to insult me like that.
SPARKY: Nobody's insulting you.
RK: Yeah, you guys are softer than cotton candy, get a grip.
At that point, the kids argue with each other while Jaylynn sighs.
JAYLYNN: SHUT UP! Look, it's obvious that you guys have problems to work out, so I'm going for a walk. When you decide to start having fun again, let me know.
Jaylynn leaves while mumbling to herself.
ASHLEY: Nice. Jaylynn's gone now.
WADE: And the whole thing is you guys' fault.
The arguing continues at that point.
SCENE 21
Mount Rainier National Park
Pierce County and Lewis County, Washington
Jaylynn is walking through the park by herself while trying to open a container of trail mix.
JAYLYNN: Freaking idiots. Acting all uncharacteristic and shit. Why can't I open this, bro? I just...want...some raisins!
Jaylynn drops the container on the ground.
JAYLYNN: I guess that's why they call it trail mix.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: It's not the same without someone here to call it corny.
At that point, the Rainier Wolf is shown emerging from its home and stretches, then begins walking as it smells something. Meanwhile, Jaylynn tries to pick up the container and open it, but to no avail. The wolf begins walking towards Jaylynn, but she doesn't notice it until a shadow appears over her and she looks up to see an aggressive expression on the wolf's face.
JAYLYNN: Motherf***er. Hey, man, there's this boy out here lying on your name. He says he knows you!
The wolf snarls as Jaylynn holds out the container of trail mix.
JAYLYNN: You want some M&Ms and peanuts at the same time?
SCENE 22
Mount Rainier National Park
Pierce County and Lewis County, Washington
TSE and the Masters are standing around, not talking to each other or even looking at each other.
RK: You know, the saddest part about this trip is we all lost an entire weekend of TV. It's tragic, really.
WADE: That's what you're concerned about?
RK: Somebody had to break the tension, does it really matter what weapon you use to break it with?
ANJA: When you think about it, Jaylynn took off because of us.
BUSTER: I didn't even do anything!
ANJA: No, "us" as in us girls.
BUSTER: Oh, okay. I thought you and I were seconds away from a rumble.
HALLEY: How is this our fault?
ANJA: Because you guys were so concerned with making Jaylynn jealous and starting trouble, you might have ruined the whole trip for her.
ASHLEY: It's not like we were trying to be annoying. We just hate the fact that we never do anything with her.
SPARKY: What are you talking about? Jaylynn's the leader of your group, you do stuff all the time.
ASHLEY: Not really. I mean, yeah, we have meetings and hang out sometimes, but you boys get all the fun stuff. Super Bowls, vacations, all that weird sci-fi stuff I don't understand.
ANJA: You don't even watch football.
ASHLEY: That doesn't mean I don't want to go see the Super Bowl.
ANJA: It kinda does.
HALLEY: You know what? Anja's right. Jaylynn's our friend and our leader. We should have just left it alone instead of being spiteful.
GILCANIA: And now, that little boo-boo's probably getting attacked by some wild animal.
Beat.
BUSTER: Wait. You mean, animals can actually attack humans?!
SPARKY: She could be dead right now! JAYLYNN?!
RK AND WADE: JAYLYNN?!
ANJA/HALLEY/ASHLEY/GILCANIA: JAYLYNN?!
SCENE 23
Mount Rainier National Park
Pierce County and Lewis County, Washington
Jaylynn is watching the wolf eat the trail mix from off the ground. The container is noticeably smashed.
JAYLYNN: That's so boss, what you just did. Next time I'm in the neighborhood, you better teach me that trick. Promise?
("Street's Disciple" by Nas featuring Olu Dara plays in the background)
At that point, the boys and girls are running through the park calling out Jaylynn's name. They go through various landmarks and areas where other animals are nearby. At one point, RK and Buster inadvertently knock down some tourists trying to look for Jaylynn. Sparky and Halley see Jaylynn on the ground with the Rainier Wolf.
HALLEY: We're too late!
SPARKY: JAYLYNN, NOOOO!
The wolf turns around and looks enraged.
SPARKY: Halley, I want my mommy.
The wolf chases after Sparky and Halley. At that point, the other kids rush to the scene and throw rocks at the wolf to stop the attack. As the confused wolf becomes hellbent on killing all of the kids after catching them, a bored Jaylynn simply takes some trail mix and places it in her hand. The wolf is instantly attracted to the scent and becomes docile again as it rushes to get the snacks. Everyone looks confused as they walk over to Jaylynn and "Street's Disciple" stops playing.
SPARKY: I don't get it. Why did it suddenly stop chasing us?
JAYLYNN: What can I say? Animals love trail mix.
BUSTER: It all makes sense now. I love trail mix and I always thought I had some traces of bear inside me.
HALLEY: Jaylynn, we're sorry we pushed you away. The guys are really cool, we just thought that you never want to do anything cool with us.
ASHLEY: Yeah, like you would choose them over us.
JAYLYNN: That's not true. I love all of you guys the same way. But this trip has been a long time coming.
GILCANIA: We get it. We should just start planning our own trips.
JAYLYNN: Of course. How about one day, we take a vacation out the country? Go to D.R. or something, just us girls.
ASHLEY: That sounds amazing.
HALLEY: Wait, why would we go to D.R.?
JAYLYNN: Halley, you have three Spanish-speaking people in your circle and you're asking that question? White privilege, I swear.
HALLEY: But you're white too!
JAYLYNN: No, I'm only half-white. You're all over white, you should know better.
ANJA: I have a question. What do we do when there's no more trail mix?
Beat. Everyone looks concerned. RK starts whistling "Rest in Peace" by Jim Johnston, which makes everyone stare at him angrily.
RK: What? I'm trying to be solution-oriented here, but it's hard.
Cut to black.
("It Never Ends" by Nas plays over the end credits)
©2020 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
In memory of Little Richard
December 5, 1932 - May 9, 2020