Requested by The Hero: If I may ask a request, could you write a pun-derful one shot where Reader-chan assaults everyone at the office (excluding Gavin; I hate that guy) with a pun and everyone sighs, completely done with it, but Connor doesn't understand what she's saying because SYNTAX ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! so she makes it her mission to get him to laugh with a pun and just kinda follows him around everywhere (ie Hank's house, Chicken Feed, crime scenes) punning him and one today he just turns around and delivers the most beautiful pun ever conceived and Reader-chan almost passed out because of her crap sense of humor and Connor does a concern.
I know you said not to include Gavin but… what better way to ruffle your enemies than to assault them with puns? Besides, I kinda like the guy. Not in a "he's a cool dude" kinda way, but just… he's fun to write, ya feel? :P
Without further ado... I hope you enjoy this terrible pun-filled chapter :')
Witticisms
In the twelve months you had known Connor, you had never seen him smile.
Maybe a slight curl to the corner of his lips every so often when he wanted to appear approachable, but never a real, full-blown smile - never one that showed a glimmer of perfectly white teeth or one that accentuated the laugh lines and dimples framing his mouth, or even one that made him squint, eyes wrinkling with glee.
It bothered you, because surely there wasn't any being on Earth who could outshine the corporeal visage of a beaming Connor. You'd only ever imagined it, staring at the android with dreamy doe-eyes, willing his mouth to form a flawless grin that would undoubtedly make your heart sing.
But he just never did. It wasn't that he was perpetually serious or in any way lacked a sense of humour, - you'd heard the android make sarcastic jests about Detective Reed every now and then - he just didn't express elation so freely. You speculated that the android had probably smiled and had a laugh with Hank at least once since he'd become the Lieutenant's housemate, so the goal was simply to try and figure out how to tickle Connor's funny bone.
You were the master of puns, and most members of the precinct were aware of that; there were very few people in the DPD who hadn't fallen victim to at least one of your unexpected play on words - but you were so good at seeming innocent, those who were acquainted with your mischievous nature hardly realised they were to be the sufferer of your equivoques until the quip had already left your mouth.
When you entered the precinct that morning, you were ready, on a quest to trigger a laugh, a giggle, or even an ungovernable little chuckle - anything that would stretch the android's lips into a pleasant grin - and you wouldn't give up until you had completed your mission.
You decided you might have some fun while you were at it, and ventured to antagonise everybody in the vicinity with your terrible one-liners. There were four people in the break room, including yourself, and since the room was relatively compact, it could be considered crowded. The three other occupants of the room were Officer Chris Miller, Officer Tina Chen, and Connor himself.
The android was in the process of retrieving a cup of coffee, most likely for Lieutenant Anderson given that he himself did not drink, while Chris and Tina were both consuming glazed doughnuts for breakfast, watching the morning news report on the wall-mounted television.
It was the perfect unassuming setting for you to let loose one of your beloved gags, and so you loomed, deceptively demure, as you strode up to the table the officers were occupying, casting the two of them a smile in greeting.
"How're you two doing this morning?" you asked politely, a courteous pretence to further deflect any suspicions that may arise.
"Oh, you know how it is", Chris remarked, quirking his head slightly, "Still not entirely awake, but getting there."
"I hear ya", you responded, and Tina chose to nod in concurrence as her mouth was currently too busy chewing to speak aloud.
Your eyes flickered to the television, taking a few moments to watch the reporting correspondent on the screen talk about Russian governmental conflicts, before shooting a quick glance to your left to check that Connor was still within earshot.
"Hey, speaking of news, did any of you hear the report last night about that dwarf psychic who escaped prison?" you began conversationally, raising your voice a little so that Connor would know you were speaking to him as well. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the android pause mid-way as he reached for the freshly made coffee, his head turning just an inch to show his interest.
"Uh, no?" Chris inquired, blinking confusedly, and you cocked your head innocently at the scrutiny.
"He's a small medium at large."
The beat of silence that followed evoked a wild grin on your face, but the satisfaction really came through when Chris groaned loudly and Tina rolled her eyes, casting you a look of exasperation to really hit home just how infuriating your joke had been.
Your focus was mostly on Connor, however, and the android's head revolved just a little more, revealing his narrowed eyebrow and processing LED - after a few moments, the blue light fell steady and he grabbed the coffee, leaving the break room without a word.
A pout of disappointment reached your lips; you had been so confident that a sneaky pun would induce, at the very least, an upwards twitch of Connor's lip.
Some things were easier said than done.
It was a good thing you weren't a quitter.
Your eyes were peeled, searching vehemently for pun opportunities, like a burglar hunting for an open window. On your terminal, you filled in a report of the case you had most recently solved, doing a good job of looking busy and inconspicuous as you scanned the room penetratingly.
Gavin was absorbed in something on his own terminal, his eyebrows pulled together in a rather perplexed expression, similar to the way a nine year old might stare at their maths homework, and you promised inwardly to yourself that you would find a way to victimise him in your joke-fest. The sucker deserved it.
Across the precinct, Captain Fowler caught your eye; he was writing on the whiteboard placed on the wall - probably something about working hard and keeping up morale - and immediately, your brain cooked up the perfect pun for the moment. A quick glance around the room told you that Connor was making his way back to his workstation - if you were quick, you could intercept and catch both the captain and the android in one of your wisecracks.
So you hopped up and approached the Captain, holding your hand up for Connor to stop as he moved to slip past Fowler; the android looked at you curiously.
"Detective, is there something I can do for you?"
"Nope, I just wanted to say - whiteboards are great, huh?" you spoke slyly, pointing a finger at the board Fowler was scribbling on. The captain froze, utterly familiar with the tone of your voice, his shoulders tense and waiting as Connor quirked an eyebrow, looking quizzically at the whiteboard you had indicated.
"You might even say that they're… re-markable." You heard the captain let out a shallow sigh while Connor blinked his big brown eyes at you, his LED cycling yellow for a moment as his eyebrows twitched ever so slightly.
"Yes, I… suppose they are." Connor responded, his words preceding a spectacularly awkward silence, until the android finally inclined his head and politely said, "Excuse me, detective."
You dutifully stepped aside, allowing the android a direct route back to his desk, and stood there for several long seconds, inwardly stewing over your frustration, until the captain glared at you over his shoulder.
"If I hear another terrible pun, you're going to be suspended. Get back to work."
You swallowed audibly, not willing to test the captain's patience - his threat was far from empty and you were all too aware of how low his tolerance level was when it came to cringe-worthy wordplay - and so you scuttled back to your desk.
Hank and Connor were deep in conversation when you next chose to strike; you sidled up alongside them at the lieutenant's desk with a look of determination on your face and the two of them ceased their chatter the moment they noticed you.
"Hello boys", you addressed them with a nod, not giving them even a moment to suspect something was amiss before continuing, "Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar?"
Lieutenant Anderson offered you a dreary look, his eyes begging you to just turn around and walk away, but you were nothing if not persistent.
"He got twelve months!" you raised your eyebrows and bit your lip as you smiled, hoping for a positive reaction. The android looked at you with concern.
"That's… an awfully long sentence for stealing a calendar", Connor commented, surprised at the injustice of the statement, and you felt your eyes twitch with dismay.
Surely there was one witty one-liner that Connor was programmed to understand? The android had been initially built with seamless integration with humans in mind - did Cyberlife really not think about the potential for jokes and puns between androids and humans?
Your lips smacked as you endeavoured to cut through the embarrassing atmosphere, nodding your head with a sigh, "Yes, it is a long sentence. Poor guy, huh?" The lieutenant's eyes followed you with a smirk - perhaps he found it amusing that your attempts to make the android laugh had failed miserably - as you plodded off back to your desk.
On your way back to your workstation, you passed Gavin's desk, taking note of his baffled expression as he observed the files on his terminal; you quirked an eyebrow, curious as to what had him so perplexed, and peered over his shoulder.
"You look stumped, Gavin", you stated, nothing underlying your voice except for a hint of keen interest.
Gavin clicked his tongue at your presence, rolling his eyes at your nosiness, but decided to entertain your unworded question regardless, "It's this case. The victim was found dead in an abandoned building, no sign of anyone else having been there, but the strange detail is that the victim was clutching a travelling bag full of student's school books. He's not even a teacher."
You hummed thoughtfully, puckering your lips in a contemplative gesture, "Well, you know there's only one thing it can be, right?"
Gavin turned his head, facing you with a look of dubious cynicism, "What?"
"This is a textbook case of homicide."
You'd barely gotten the words out of your mouth before the crotchety detective had you by the scruff of your collar, standing at his full height as he shook you just a little aggressively.
"If you don't shut the fuck up, there's gonna be another homicide and you won't be around to solve it", he hissed, additionally irritated by the unaffected shit-eating grin on your face.
"Sure thing, Reed", you responded pleasantly, as if he'd just promised to buy you lunch instead of threatening your life - you weren't afraid of him, he was all talk and no bite, unlike Captain Fowler - but it was clear from the tightening of Reed's hands on your collar that he'd picked up on your unmissable sarcasm.
Over Gavin's shoulder, you noticed Connor staring at the back of Reed's head, his hardened gaze evident from his angled eyebrows - the android looked irked by the detective's rough treatment of you and appeared very much like he was seconds from intervening, but you knew how Gavin could get when Connor confronted him over his unbecoming behaviour, and you didn't want to be the cause of a workplace dispute.
You reluctantly apologised to the cantankerous detective, waving Connor off with a reassuring motion of your hand, and slipped out of Reed's grip to return to your work as if nothing had happened.
Of course, this wasn't the last of your torment of Gavin. You'd torture him another day; for now, you couldn't lose sight of your goal - to turn that android's frown upside down.
Hank was visibly beginning to regret inviting you to join him and Connor for lunch.
There was a solid twitch in his facial muscles that implied he was growing more and more displeased as you rattled off terrible pun after terrible pun, barely giving him a moment to breathe between every mouthful he took of his big, greasy burger.
You were leaning with your elbows on the table outside Chicken Feed, smiling smugly at the vein popping on Hank's forehead as you sneakily stole fries from him when he wasn't looking, while Connor watched on with a peculiarly blank expression on his face, his LED an unremitting yellow as he processed every word that left your mouth.
"I swear to god, if you don't shut up-"
You cut Hank off, holding up a finger to halt him mid-sentence, "Just give me a chance to ketchup. This conversation has me in a pickle."
The lieutenant looked as though he was ready to welcome the sweet embrace of death just so he didn't have to listen to more of your wretched wordplay, his resentful eyes watching you with the promise of murder should you choose to open your mouth again, but you were feeling bold, and you knew Hank would never actually do anything to hurt you, no matter how close he looked to holding up a gun to your head.
"I know you love it really", you pointed out with a wink, before turning to the puzzled android, "I hope you relish this moment, Connor."
You were so quick on the draw today.
"Why are you doing this?" Hank whined as Connor looked between the two of you absent-mindedly, appearing as though he was struggling to comprehend your's and the lieutenant's emotions correlating to the current situation.
"I… don't believe I follow", the android admitted with a troubled knit in his eyebrows.
"Don't worry about Hank", you assured him, quickly plucking up another fry to pop into your mouth, "He just has a chip on his shoulder."
"Do you have a death wish?" the lieutenant groused, and you smiled guiltlessly.
"You gotta admit that potato puns are a-peeling."
Connor cocked his head at your declaration and once again you felt a rush of frustration at how unamused he seemed. Your puns weren't that hard to understand, surely an advanced android like Connor would be able to figure it out even if it wasn't incorporated into his programming.
Hank aspired to ignore you, taking another large bite of his burger while he shook his head in disapproval, so you turned your full attention to the android, forcing a smile in response to his compelling eye contact. Connor was giving you an odd look, his LED having returned to its faultless blue.
Drawing in a breath, you decided to try again, "Hey Connor, did you hear about the cartoonist who was found dead in his home?"
The android's eyes widened a little, his interest piqued.
"The details are pretty sketchy." You finished, an expectant smile pulling at your lips, and you observed the extended stare the android gave you, before his mouth twitched slightly, and he hesitantly offered a reply.
"...Is this a new case we've been given? Why wasn't I informed until now, detective?" Connor's question was virtuous, but also swathed with a trace of uncertainty - nevertheless, you finally let your undisguised dismay show on your face. Maybe you never stood a chance at making the android giggle.
"Nevermind", you sighed, taking a step away from the table, "I should head back to the precinct. Later, guys", you offered them a brief wave as you walked away, hearing Connor's soft 'see you later, detective', along with Hank's grumble of 'thank god for that', and felt one final streak of mischief flood through your veins.
"But before I go", you spoke up as you cast them both a glance over your shoulder, "d'you wanna hear a joke about pizza?"
"Absolutely fuckin' not", Hank answered, his tone forceful and simultaneously desperate, pleading you to just end your need to be funny.
"Yeah, probably for the best", you nodded in faux resignation, "It's a bit too cheesy now that I think about it." With that, you walked away snickering, fulfilled at the very least by Hank's lamenting wail of distress at having been caught one final time.
You missed the way Connor blinked rapidly for a few moments, his head inclining as he pursed his lips, openly pondering your last few words.
It was cold that night as you trudged around the dark cemetery, searching the crime scene for clues to aid in your most recent case - a middle-aged man identified as Richard Warrens was found dead in a local churchyard, his body dumped against the tombstone of his wife, Abigail Warrens, who had passed away almost a year prior - the man had a stab wound in his stomach and the knife that had caused the wound lay a couple of feet from his hand, bloodied and evident.
To the untrained eye, it might have seemed like a suicide given the context, but a closer inspection revealed that that simply wasn't the case.
After a prowl of the immediate area that had been cordoned off to the general public, you turned your attention to the lieutenant who was talking with Detective Ben Collins in order to learn when the body had been discovered and who by, and then looked to Connor, who was squatting beside the corpse, scanning the body and scrutinising it for further traces of useful evidence.
You approached the android and leant down beside him, watching him do his thing; Connor brushed his finger against the blade of the knife, bringing a drop of blood to his mouth in order to perform an analysis. You watched his tongue dart out as he licked his finger, a deliberating expression falling over him as he sifted through his evaluation of the blood, and you tilted your head quizzically.
"Well? What does your analysis say?"
"He was killed roughly four hours ago. Murder framed as suicide - premeditated, I suspect, as there are no other fingerprints on the knife aside from the victim's, so the killer must have been wearing gloves." The android explained, and you nodded your head. You had your own suspicions, but you wanted to know Connor's reasoning.
"What's makes you think for sure that it's a murder if only the victim's fingerprints are on the knife?"
Connor was all too happy to explain his assumptions, "the fingerprint placement on the knife is inaccurate, it's highly unlikely the victim could have stabbed himself like this with such a flimsy grip on the weapon, so they had to have been placed post-mortem. Plus, there are signs of a struggle", he indicated the subtle tears in the man's shirt nearer the collar, "and… he's missing a button."
Your gaze affixed to the buttons of the man's shirt where you found that, indeed, one of the fasteners were missing. A cursory perusal around the body was enough to locate the missing button, and Connor plucked it from the grass, his eyes flickering across it briefly before he handed it to you to slip into an evidence bag.
The android grabbed the dead man's forearm, lifting it up to inspect his hands more closely, and you knew Connor had discovered another clue when his lips curled ever so slightly - how you wished they would curl just a little bit more to count as a real smile - and his eyes shone with clarity.
"Traces of blood under the fingernails."
"The killer's blood?" you guessed, and Connor nodded his head.
"The victim fought back", Connor salvaged a smear of the supposed suspects blood from the dead man's fingers and analysed the sample, his eyes narrowing slightly as he examined the evaluation, before he gave a knowing smirk.
"What?" you queried, somewhat enthralled by smug simper on the android's face, though it still wasn't exactly what you desired, "You identified a DNA match?"
Connor nodded, standing up straight, as did you, and he rubbed his hands together in appeasement; the android turned to you, holding thorough eye contact as he spoke his next few words.
"Looks like our killer… made a grave mistake." Connor winked, his lips pulled into a delightful smile, and you felt your heart begin to thump violently in your chest at the pure charisma and sublime beauty in his expression.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
His smile was everything you'd ever dreamed of and more, and not only that, but he - the android who had seemed completely immune to the understanding of punny wordplay - had just made the worst, most cringe-worthy pun imaginable, pertaining perfectly to the situation, with the most perfect delivery and-
You were losing your mind.
It wasn't even fucking funny, but you quickly became aware that you were giggling in hysterics while standing above a dead body in front of a very precious and bewildered android.
"A-are you alright, detective?" Connor enquired, having to raise his voice a little to speak over your raucous laughter, and he grabbed your arm to steady you when you almost lost your balance.
"Hey", Hank yelled across churchyard, "Maybe don't laugh so hard? A man's been killed, it's not that funny!"
You were hardly able to breathe much less respond to the lieutenant, and the innocent look of cute bemusement on Connor's face didn't help matters in the slightest. You were smitten with this android.
Notes: Requests are still closed at the moment :) Please review, it makes me smile!