It was only Monday afternoon and the Three Worlds were already teetering on the brink of war.
Fortunately, this was not yet common knowledge. Not including the source of the conflict, only five parties were currently privy to the fact.
The parties in question were, at present, convened in a marathon conference call. The host of the call sat in a boardroom at a broad table of polished wood and glass. He was physically alone. On the table were several monitors, and in the air before him hung a wide, curving panoramic screen divided into four sections.
"Fuck this jackass!" came the emotional outburst from view 1, Demon World Territory 1, Central Administration Building, not for the first time that day. The speaker was a young man, or rather looked like a young man, with messy dark hair ending in a short tail at the nape of his neck. He was dressed in a long, sleeveless white robe, which was open and baring his chest. Elaborate, mesmerizing tattoos covered his exposed skin, the markings also running along his arms and on his face. His eyes blazed like fiery embers, and his expression was the figure that would probably be found in the dictionary under "pissed off, supremely". To his left stood a taller, older man, a monk in pale green garments. His arms were folded behind his back, his presence serious but calm, unfazed by the verbal explosions of his lord. King Urameshi Yusuke and Chief of Staff Hokushin.
"What he said," said the woman in view 2, Demon World Territory 2, Mobile Fortress Mukade, coordinates xx-xx-xx, constantly shifting. She lifted her drink in approval, holding the slender glass by its stem, and took a sip. Half of her was strikingly beautiful, with a deep violet iris and full lips. The other half was a naked eyeball set in a mass of scarred tissue, fused with robotic attachments - horrifying, yet beautiful and compelling in its own way. Her hair was cropped in a short, utilitarian cut, and her expression was one of irritation blended with amusement, the former directed at the situation in general, the latter directed mostly at her counterpart in Territory 1 specifically. Behind her, a bored-looking man in black sharpened a katana. Every so often he glanced at the screen. King Mukuro and Chief of Staff Hiei.
"Yes, ditto Yusuke and his way with words," said the man in view 3, Demon World Territory 3, Gandara Library private penthouse. His long silken hair was tied back, accentuating the impressive horns on his head and his elegant elven ears, the six of them somewhat reminiscent of flower petals. His unseeing eyes were closed, as they always were, and one hand touched his temple where a short antenna sat, temporarily inserted into his skull and streaming the conference call visuals directly to his brain. His face was a mask of tranquility. Intermittently, a young man in a military-style coat, bearing similar elven ears, though only two, and a single horn on his forehead, would pass by in the background, lean over and make comments. King Yomi and Chief of Staff Prince Shura.
"Ah, it's clear we're all in agreement," said the man in view 4, Spirit World Headquarters. He bore the characters "Jr" upon his forehead, and was dressed in a light suit. He was also surrounded by towering stacks of paperwork. It was difficult to believe, but these stacks had actually diminished in the last few centuries, as the Spirit World slowly managed to cut down its paper usage and revamp its workflow for greater efficiency without compromising accuracy. Behind him, a blue ogre slow-hopped from one leg to the other, mumbling "Oh dear" to himself repeatedly. King Koenma and Administrative Assistant Jorge Saotome.
The man in the boardroom, the Director of Minamino Enterprises, looked down at the document at the heart of the drama. It was a true work of art: hand-scribed, each elegant word resplendent in flowing calligraphy, dark flourishes of ink standing out against the tactile cream of the handmade paper. The signature officiating the content was emblazoned with an insignia that burned with a bright and unholy light, even in the well-lit boardroom.
Only five existed: three for the demon kings, plus one each for the leaders of the Spirit and Human Worlds. The last package had been intercepted before it could be delivered to its destination at the United Nations. But soon facsimiles would be everywhere, making public to the populations of all three worlds the pronouncement of the new Emperor:
By Imperial Decree on this Date of x Year x
The Demon World hereby declares its intent to subsume all Worlds under the rule of the Emperor of Makai. The three kings of the Unified Territories are to immediately without delay direct all their resources to the Emperor to support him fully in the above endeavour.
The document was followed by endless pages of fine legal print in five point font. The Director flipped one thumb absently through the immense stack of paper, ruffling the sheets.
"To think only a hundred or so years ago I seriously considered this type of approach myself," commented King Yomi. "How embarrassing."
"Give yourself a little credit," said King Mukuro. "Even I wouldn't drop you in the same level of mud as this worm."
"I'm flattered," King Yomi replied, dryly.
"Fuck, Kurama." King Urameshi, who had been pacing restlessly, stopped and grabbed at his screen. "Are they done yet?!"
The Director glanced over at another monitor. "No, not yet. I realize it's not your strong suit, Yusuke, but patience. They're working as fast as they can."
"In Yusuke's defence, I do wish they were a little faster myself," said King Yomi, while King Urameshi continued making incoherent noises of rage on the other end of the screen. "Granted, the Human World still does have the best legal experts, so we can't complain about being limited to what's humanly possible until we better develop our own industry and education."
"I don't see the problem," said a deep, bland voice from view 2. "The solution is obvious." Everyone looked in the direction of the speaker, who had ceased sharpening his blade. "We assassinate him," the Jagan master clarified.
"I'm down with my man Hiei," said King Urameshi.
"Your Majesty," said Hokushin, just as King Koenma said, "Yusuke" in the exact same disapproving tone.
King Urameshi made a punching motion at his screen. "Yeah, yeah, I know! Civilized politics and shit! That's why we're dicking around here!" He ran a hand through his hair. "Goddamnit, why can't we just go to the Palace and straight up kick this douche's ass? Why do we have to listen to this stupid paper?!"
He glared down at said paper again. His copy had been crumpled and uncrumpled several times - but not torn, shredded, blasted or anything else, as destruction of the document had been stated as impermissible in the fine print - and pages from the legal section had been tossed all over earlier, white sheets clearly visible in the background and draped across every piece of furniture. With a snarl, he viciously balled the imperial decree up again and slung it across the room. Hokushin exited the view, going to retrieve it while his king covered his face with both hands in frustration. "Aaarrghh. I know why! Don't say it!"
The ruler of the Spirit World said it anyways. "If you don't, then you've broken your own laws, the Demon World descends into chaos, the integrity of the Three Worlds Act is compromised, thus jeopardizing inter-world relations and peace ... You're stuck, Yusuke. We're all stuck. Until we find a loophole." He looked to the side, off-screen, gazing out the window of his office. "At least you all gave me a head start to get the SDF on an emergency barrier deployment. It'll be light compared to the original, but at least it'll be something. Worse comes to worst."
"I hate my laws," King Urameshi spat. "And I -" he continued with a string of colourful expletives unfit for reprint anywhere - "-hate lawyers!" he finished.
"Ahem," said the Director, checking his status screen again for notifications.
"Sorry. Except yours," said King Urameshi, instantly chastened. "I love lawyers. I mean, I love your guys. Especially if they can get us out of this shittyass mess."
"I used to love lawyers," said King Mukuro. Her expression grew faintly nostalgic. "Some of them were so delicious. Fattening though."
"Mmm," said King Yomi. "You're making my mouth water."
"Guys, seriously. Can we not?" said King Urameshi.
"Just killing some time," replied King Mukuro.
"We should be killing something else," said Hiei.
"Ummm," said King Koenma.
"Considering it's taken this long for someone to try to pull something of this extent," the Director said, helpfully changing the subject, "the Unification laws worked pretty well to govern themselves."
"We do usually knock most of the egomaniacal fools out quite early," King Mukuro said.
King Yomi nodded. "Pure freak accident that this one got so far. He did have the sense for this piece of work, though. I was honestly quite surprised." He fanned through the document.
A hand reached across the screen and took the sheaf of papers out of his grasp. "You old people have started getting too lax," said Prince Shura, peering into the screen. "I keep telling Papa that he needs to stop thinking of the Tournament as a vacation and get back to employing at least a little bit of strategy."
King Yomi snatched the document back. "And I keep telling you, quit ragging on your father," he replied, his brow creasing with annoyance and briefly cracking his mask of tranquility. "You still haven't defeated me in a Tournament matchup once."
"Shut up, Shura, you're only sixteen years younger than me," said King Urameshi distractedly, clearly only half listening to the conversation on the other side of the screen.
Prince Shura frowned. "Uncle Yusuke, I'm seventeen years younger than you."
"Whatever," King Urameshi replied with a dismissive wave. "You coulda come out earlier but Yomi just wanted to buy you some extra time in that incubator."
Prince Shura made a face. "Good thing he did, 'cause now I'm five inches taller than you!"
King Yomi laughed loudly; King Koenma snorted. All others in attendance had mildly distorted expressions that looked like they were holding similar reactions in. The Director turned his gaze down to a tabletop monitor, but the corner of his mouth curled up as well.
"Shut up," King Urameshi said, scowling fiercely. "Anyways, this is a fucking joke. Any one of us could easily fry that dude with a fraction of our power. And probably by accident!"
"Indeed," said the Director, fingers sliding down a touchscreen. "I do believe you hit the nail on the head, Yusuke."
King Urameshi raised an eyebrow. "Whaddaya mean?"
"Legal has finished parsing the document," said the Director. All of the kings leaned forward in their respective offices. "This may sound shocking, but despite how bulletproof the document initially appears to be, one of the terms retains a surprisingly broad definition, and in combination with the rest of the decree … well. It seemed to be a rather glaring omission, so to be safe, my team has reconfirmed it three times in independent reviews."
"The confirmation being?" asked King Mukuro, only betraying the slightest edge of impatience in her voice.
"This is perhaps somewhat ironic and fitting considering my title." The Director read the line out from the document. "'The three kings of the Unified Territories are to immediately without delay'-" he paused, emphasizing the next few words - "direct all their resources to the Emperor.' An interpretation of the word 'direct' that would be acceptable according to the Emperor's instructions is, 'to channel or focus toward a given result, object, or end'. And energy is most certainly a resource, one of the most abundant, powerful and immediately accessible to all three kings."
The Director allowed his words to sink in. Understanding quickly dawned on the faces of all in attendance.
Well, on most of them. King Urameshi, squinting, still wore a somewhat quizzical expression.
"If I lob a fireball at you, I'm directing energy resources your way," Hokushin said to him.
King Urameshi drummed on his table. "Loophole!" he crowed with glee. King Mukuro and King Yomi both chuckled, and King Koenma slow-clapped.
"Yes, a most unfortunate oversight," agreed the Director, flipping through the package. "What a shame, after all the effort that was put into this impressive document. It does state that the resources should be sent 'to support him fully in the above endeavour', and we all know - Yusuke, you know this perhaps better than most - the fastest and most complete form of energy transfer is, well, rather physical. My lawyers have conferred and agree it is hardly your fault if he does not have the existing resources to properly absorb, repurpose or withstand the deluge of new resources being provided to him. As a matter of fact," he looked up, a not-quite-friendly smile on his face, "You are all quite obligated in your duties to straight away offer all your energy resources to the Emperor without pausing to consider this. The priority was clearly placed on speed of carrying out the command, not on due diligence in reviewing the Emperor's capabilities to accept whatever type of support you are obediently supplying."
King Urameshi jubilantly flung his arms in the air in a wide arc. "Man, Kurama, I could kiss you right now," he enthused. "I could kiss all your lawyers! Line 'em up for me next time I'm in town!"
"I'll be sure to send out a memo," the Director said, smiling.
"Wonderful," said King Koenma. "I believe you covered the Emperor being incapacitated issue a few decades back, correct?"
"Yes," said the Director, scrolling down another touchscreen. "We did end up having to develop a whole clause dedicated to clarifying incapacitation as well. But in any case, essentially, in the event the Emperor is unable to rule, the three kings of the Unified Territories will govern in a 'business-as-usual' capacity in their stead until the next Tournament. The kings will also have the option to institute an interim Emperor from either the runner up of the Tournament or the prior Emperor, but this must be agreed upon unanimously by all three kings."
"Excellent," said King Koenma.
"Well, can't be holdin' up the wishes of our brave new leader, now can we?" said King Urameshi cheerfully. "As head of the Imperial Offensive Forces, here I am getting those resources to him right away. Super big flashy resources. See you slowpokes at the Palace! Buh bye!" Now in full party mode, he jumped up and turned his back to the screen. "Hokushin, pack us some hot dogs and marshmallows! Bring on the fireworks!" The Territory 1 view shuttered to black.
"Idiot," said Hiei, his expression amused. "We'll beat him."
"Oh, I was going to tell him we were close to his area, they could've hitched a ride," said King Mukuro. "I know what the decree says, but maybe we should slow down a little? It's always more fun when Yusuke's there. What time is it?"
The Director glanced at the corner of his screen. "5:02 PM," he replied.
"Be sure to tune into the six o'clock news," said King Mukuro. "It'll be a good show." She smiled dangerously, baring her teeth.
"I will do that," the Director said. The Jagan master gave him a nod of acknowledgement, and view 2 closed.
"I suppose we should be going too," said King Yomi, removing the brain antenna and setting it down on the table. "Can't let those people have all the fun. Oh, before I forget, I need to set up a few workshops for my people."
"Sounds good," the Director replied. "We can touch base next week, after this dies down a bit."
"Alright, we'll connect then. Give me a call. Goodbye."
"Have a good one, Uncle Kurama," said Prince Shura.
"You too, see you on the news," the Director replied, waving, as view 3 closed.
All three demon kings and their chiefs of staff gone, the room was quiet save for the digital hum of technology. View 4 continued to stream silently. After a few moments, the silence was broken.
"Ah, Koenma, sir," said Jorge. "Is there anything we need to do?"
"No," said King Koenma. "Just enjoy the show, I suppose."
The Director tilted his head at the only active block on his screen. "Was there something else you wanted to discuss?"
"Not really," said Koenma. "I'm still digesting everything that just happened. To be honest, I feel a little … sorry for the Emperor."
"That's fascinating," said the Director. "I don't." He smiled a sharp vulpine smile.
Jorge shivered. King Koenma paused. "I know this isn't the first time I've said this," said the ruler of the Spirit World, "but the Three Worlds are so lucky you all get along so well. These emergency calls, the rare times we have them, always remind me of some bizarre family reunion."
"Well," said the Director. "It did literally take us centuries to get to this point. Yusuke sped up the process considerably back then. And just now. It'd be next to impossible for Mukuro and Yomi to agree to act together so quickly, otherwise. Although, a few more of these and it might just start coming naturally to them."
King Koenma smiled. "No kidding. Thanks again for the hard work of your legal team. I look forward to the day a few of them can join mine. Although perhaps they don't. Take care." View 4 closed.
Now fully alone, the Director leaned back in his chair, hands pressed together, fingertips braced against each other. He eyed the panoramic screen, and then the time.
"Calendar reminder," he said. "Next Tuesday, call T3 to schedule legal consulting workshops. Media on, IMN newscast. Audio only is fine till six." He paused. "No, wait; make that five-thirty."
The system complied with his voice commands, generating the appointment in his schedule, and in the room, an ambient speaker sprung to life.
"-bring you breaking news: an anonymous source has alerted us that the new Emperor has issued his first imperial decree, with an urgent private summons for all three kings. Reports that Mukade has already been seen making a U-turn towards the Imperial Palace appear to verify this. Stay tuned, we'll be following this developing story closely."
"Oh dear," said the Director, smiling. "Not too closely, please." He got up from the table and went to make tea the old-fashioned way.
Author's notes: This is, of course, the incident referred to in Travel Guide that inflated legal fees across all Three Worlds. I started with the outline of the story, and then the dumb dialogue just kept coming.
I've always loved the idea of the demon kings ending up with this weird, hilarious extended family-type relationship. Mukuro and Yomi despised each other, but both like Yusuke a lot (Mukuro was clearly so amused by him in the series, finding all his insane ideas to be the best things ever, and Yomi certainly ended up drinking the koolaid as well), so he really is the (crazy?) glue that keeps everyone connected.
Thank you so much everyone who continues to follow this! And for the feedback/reviews - you guys keep me going!