Chapter 10

Coward

"Commander, I am glad that you got out of there in one piece."

"Now General…Would you expect anything less from Black Squadron?"

Poe casually leaned against the wall of the pilot's station, his arms crossed over his chest. He smiled as he spoke to the flickering hologram before him. The sight of General Leia Organa always astounded him. She always stood with a commanding presence. She was fierce, outspoken, headstrong… qualities that every good leader needed. And everything that he wanted to be.

"There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness, commander. Make sure you don't erase it." General Organa spoke sternly. Even with the shoddy transmission that this ship provided, he could see the frown on her face.

Poe tried his best to hide the smile that was beginning to form at the corners of his lips. He had heard this word of caution from his general many times before.

He could see how people would mistake his confidence for cockiness. But his attitude was necessary as a leader. He needed to be confident in himself first and foremost. Being a leader required being confident enough in your own decisions and those of your team. Being a leader meant solving problems. The day people stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case was a failure of leadership.

Poe would never let himself fail.

It was never an option.

"What is your ETA?"

Poe glanced at the navigation system before looking back at his general. "ETA is about 8 hours and 32 minutes until we hit Yavin-4's atmosphere."

"Your father will be happy to see you." Even in hologram Poe noticed the fine smile lines forming at the corner of her eyes when she spoke of his father.

"Happy isn't the word I would use." Poe ran his hand along the back of his neck. "But we can hope, right?" he added optimistically.

"How long has it been? Six… Seven months?" She prodded.

He cleared his throat before carefully answering. "A year." He winced at how it sounded coming from his lips.

He hadn't meant to be gone for an entire year. He wanted to say that it was because of his work with the resistance that kept him away from his home. General Organa knew his family personally and she made it known that he was welcome to go home at any time. But every time he had the opportunity to take some time off, he found some reason to stay on base.

His ship was too damaged from the last mission.

He wanted to support his team.

Maybe next week.

For Poe is was always next week. After a while the question was never brought up again, and before he knew it an entire year went by.

"Well it seems like you have a lot to catch up on. I want you to dump the ship. They will have noticed that it is missing by the time you land and I do not want you to be identified in orbit. Just hang tight and we will send a ship to pick you up."

"Sounds like a plan."

"I look forward to having you all back. Once again, good work Poe." Her approval was evident, and Poe savored every minute of it. Nothing made him happier than making General Organa proud.

Before she turned off the transmission Poe took a step forward. "General, there is one other thing."

Her hand paused over the controls and she looked to him, waiting for him to continue. "Yes, commander?"

"When we left hyper speed we discovered that there was a stowaway on board. She says that she used to be with the First Order but that she deflected."

"That isn't surprising. There are quite a few people who have approached the resistance looking for help. Was she looking for safe passage?"

"That's what she says, yes."

"You sound as if you don't believe her."

Poe didn't know exactly how to answer. He always went with his gut in every situation. He learned that he could always trust it. But this was the first time his gut pulled him in two different directions. His gut told him that she was hiding something from him, something that he knew deep down he wasn't going to like hearing.

But his gut also told him that he needed her. It had been a long time since a woman had aroused his interests as Amara Elaine had. The moment he had seen her standing behind that bar he had wanted her. He couldn't deny the pull he felt towards her when he stared into her eyes. Eyes that were so dark that he felt as if he was looking into an endless stretch of midnight sky. Her eyes were a black hole that, if he wasn't careful, would put him in danger of falling into it's pull. When he was near her, he felt as his every part of him was falling.

"The jury is still out on that one."

At that General Organa chuckled. She leaned forward and tilted her head, a grin radiating on her face. At that moment she was no longer his general, but someone dearer to him, a figure that he had been so long without in his life.

"She must be really beautiful," she said softly.

Poe raised an eyebrow. "Are you insinuating that I am unable to be impartial General?"

"I'm just noticing that you are a man. A man who wears his hearts on his sleeves. Or more accurately, around his neck?" Her hand gestured to her own neck.

He looked down and cursed as he saw that he was nervously fiddling with the ring around his neck. He needed to find a better place for it because he was tired of people pointing out his newly formed twitch. Poe shook his head as he tucked the chain under his shirt. "I'm sorry, but are you leading to an actual point, General?"

She tilted her head back as she regarded him steadily, her mouth still formed into a knowing grin. "Just making an observation." When Poe didn't comment she continued. "Did she say she wanted to be taken to the Resistance?"

"She did not. She expressed no interested in either being involved with the Resistance or with the First Order. She wanted to be dropped off at our next stop."

"Did she give you her name?"

"Amara Elaine."

Poe's became alert when he saw the smile on General Organa's face fall. What was going on?

"Does that name mean anything to the resistance?"

Her brow furrowed as she seemed to be contemplating something. After a moment she shook her head. "No, it does not." She straightened and her posture once again was that of a General. "Just sit tight on Yavin until that transport ship arrives."

"And of Amara?"

"Let her go where she wishes. We are not in the business of taking prisoners."

Poe nodded. "Yes, General."

"But Poe…"

"Yes, General?"

"Just make sure that she wishes to come with us."

Amara sighed as her fingers finished braiding her hair into a long plait. Her fingers played with the loose ends as she thumped her head against the wall. He told her not to leave the room and to make sure that she didn't, he commanded his droid to stay and keep watch. She rolled her eyes as he left the room. Having the droid watch her was overkill and laughable.

Where did he honestly think she was going to go? Unless she suddenly became suicidal, there was no place that she could go on this ship where she wouldn't be found. She cursed as she leaned forward and put her head in her hands.

Out of all the ships to choose, she had to choose the one that belonged to him. She didn't want to be a part of any of this. If she could go back in time, she never would have helped him escape. If she had just gotten her things and left, she never would be in this situation. The First Order never would have caught up with her. She would have the money she needed to get off Hosinian Prime and she would have been starting her life over. Now she was stuck on a ship with a man that meant nothing but trouble. "Stupid, stupid, stupid." She chastised herself quietly.

"BRRRREE?"

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Nothing…"

She was not in the mood to answer the droid's questions. Thankfully the droid resumed it's silent watch over her.

Her nightmares were becoming few and far between, but they still crept up enough that she dreaded the nights. She always was brought back to that night where she lost everything.

He betrayed her.

He sold her out to Sloane and did nothing when she was sent for reconditioning.

She had trusted him with her heart and he still betrayed her. But the one betrayal she could never get over was done to her by her own heart. Even though Armitage hurt her beyond compare, her heart still yearned for him.

At night when she felt the most alone, she would grasp at her pillow and pretend he was with her once more. She would imagine his cool lips against hers, his long slender fingers carefully exploring the contours of her skin. She imagined seeing his piercing blue gaze, eyes that were so blue that she thought they contained their own sky. A sky so filled with grey-blue clouds that she felt that in an instant she would see lightning strike within the icy depths.

She hated him for what he did, and she hated herself even more that even through everything she endured she couldn't deny one important fact.

She still loved him.

Her mind replayed her dream. She saw Armitage standing in front of her. She could almost feel his cool hands cupping her face as he leaned down to press his lips against hers. She sighed as the familiar comfort began to take form. But it didn't take long before she felt a shift. No longer were the lips against hers cool and methodical but instead they began to radiate a scorching heat. She began to pull away, but she felt a hard reach up to grip the back of her neck, keeping her in place. She could feel a soft tongue feathering her lips, begging to be allowed to explore. When she conceded and opened her mouth, she felt the lips against her moan in approval.

The kiss was no longer tentative but demanding. This kiss was strong and savage, and she wanted to be engulfed in it. When she pulled away, she was no longer looking into those familiar blue eyes, but instead of eyes the color of deep earth after a summer rain. His eyes were the ground beneath my feet that kept her stable through the ever-changing earth.

In her dreams when she was kissing Armitage she felt as if she were falling, but now she felt as if she was caught and was being enveloped in a warm blanket. She sighed and brought her legs up towards her chest, wrapping Poe's sweater around her legs. She closed her eyes and let her head rest on her knees. She let the warmth of the sweater comfort her.

She had been kissed since Armitage, sure, but none of them had come close to the man she had fallen in love with those years ago. The pain of his betrayal had cut so deep that she had sworn to never allow another man close to her heart again.

But Poe Dameron came into her life a supernova that she had no way of shielding herself from. His kiss was an explosion that resulted in a shock wave that annihilated the walls surrounding her heart and she could feel herself fumbling to pick up the pieces.

She took a deep breath and she couldn't stop her heart from sinking when she could barely smell him anymore on the sweater she was wearing. The scent of him was fading, and she was ashamed that she tried desperately to cling to the memory of his scent. She wanted to cling to anything that kept her mind from drifting back to her dream.

She was pulled out of her thoughts when her heard the clearing of a throat. She looked up and saw that Poe was leaning against the door frame, staring intently at her.

A tide of uncomfortable color spread over her. Seeing him standing in front of her, no longer a fantasy but a solid reality, she became immersed in guilt and heat and surprise. She didn't want to imagine herself kissing him, and she couldn't help how her body responded to seeing him in front of her. "God how embarrassing," she thought to herself.

His eyebrow raised as he looked at her with mild concern. "You okay?"

She nodded. "I'm fine… just a little tired."

He ran his hand through his hair. His hair was more tousled than when she last saw him, and she deduced that he probably did that when he was stressed. He crouched next to his droid and ran his hand along the top of its head. "Can you give us a moment buddy?"

The droid gave a soft whistle before exiting the room and zipping down the hallway. Poe stood and slowly closed the door. After a moment he turned and looked at her. He casually leaned his back against the door and put his hands in his pockets. "You know… I didn't think I was going to see you again."

Amara tried to feign laughter. "You can say that again," she muttered.

He walked into the room and casually sat on the bed across from her. "I figured you'd take my sweater and would try desperately to forget the man who stole your heart."

At that Amara laughed for real. "You sure do think highly of yourself." She shook her head in disbelief. "I will say flyboy… you're definitely the kind of person no one can forget."

He smiled and leaned back against the wall, putting his hands behind his head. "You know, I am not sure if that was meant to be a compliment, but I'm going to assume that it was."

"Of course, you would." She took her braid into her hands and began twirling her fingers through the loose ends. "So, what's the verdict? Are you kicking me off?"

He eyed her for a bit and for a brief moment she thought that he might do it. But before she could respond he shook his head. "Today is your lucky day tuck cat. I've been told to bring you to our next stop."

Her heart quickened. "Which is?"

"Yavin-4."

Amara's eyes widened. She was familiar with the jungle planet as it was one of the planets at the center of history. It played an important role in the galaxy. It was one of the sites during the Clone Wars, the base of the Alliance during the Battle of Yavin as well as other battles of the Galactic Civil War. It was on Yavin where an attack was launched on the Death Star and it became the home of a Jedi Academy after the war ended.

If she could choose a place to hide, Yavin would be towards the very bottom of her list.

"And then what?" She didn't know what his plans for her were. She had told him that she was part of the First Order and there was nothing stopping him from turning her over to the Resistance. He had no idea what kind of knowledge she had, and she hoped that he never learned.

"Well that's up to you when we get there," he stated simply. "You're not a prisoner. You asked for safe passage and that's what you'll get. It is up to you to decide where to go from there. If you're looking for escape there are plenty of places to disappear in the jungles of Yavin. Why do you think the Rebels used it as a base all those years ago?"

She hadn't thought of that and she could see his point.

"But," he continued. "I'm hoping that you decide to join us."

"I told you. I am not looking to take a side in this. "I—"

"I know, I know. You're content to run. I get it."

Amara clenched her jaw at his dismissive tone. "You think I'm a coward."

He shrugged. "I didn't call you that, but now that you mention it—"

She had enough.

She sat forward and pointed her finger at him. "Look flyboy, I will never apologize for the choices I've made, nor will I try to explain myself to you."

"I'm not asking you to—"

"I wasn't finished."

His mouth twitched, and she was sure that he was fighting a smile. She could feel the smugness pouring off him and she had never wanted to hit someone as much as she did right that moment.

"You don't know what I have been through. You don't know what I've had to endure. I've given up everything I have ever known. I've had to grit my teeth through pain and work every day to work at a better life. Don't sit there with that smug smile on your face and pretend like you know anything about me or my decisions. Call me a coward, I really don't care. But just know that bravery can be confused with stupidity, and sometimes it takes courage to run away."

He observed her, his gaze never leaving hers as if he was milling over everything that she had said to him. After a moment of silence, he spoke. "Are you done?"

She shook her head in confusion. "Excuse me?"

"I asked if you were done."

"I don't have anything else to say on the subject if that's what you're asking—"

"Good because I have things to say and it would be best if you kept your mouth shut and listened."

She could feel her blood beginning to boil as he nostrils flared. How dare he speak to her that way. Who the hell did he think he was? "Excuse me, but—"

"No!" He lurched forward and pointed his finger at her face, just like she did to him a moment prior and her mouth closed instantly. "I sat and listened to your little speech and now it is your turn to listen to mine. You are running away from your problems instead of facing them. You think you can escape trouble but I hate to break it to you sweetheart but there isn't a place in this galaxy where you can hide from trouble."

She was fuming. She was unable to answer, afraid that she wouldn't be able to respond without screaming. So instead of making a spectacle, she kept quiet. She hated losing control and ever since she met Poe Dameron she felt as if someone else was in control of her emotions. She needed to regain control otherwise she couldn't be held accountable for her actions.

Sensing that she was reaching her breaking point, he held up his hands. "Look, you don't have to explain yourself to me. I get it. I don't want you to think that I am calling you a coward because I am not." His deep eyes connected with hers and she held her breath as she waited for him to continue. "You say you've given up everything you've known, but did it ever occur to you that you should be giving up all of that for the sake of something greater?"

She didn't know how to answer that, and she tore her gaze from his and focused on the ground. She clenched her jaw, afraid of what she would say if she allowed her mouth even to slightly open.

When she didn't look back up at him, he sighed and stood. "We have about 8 hours left of travel before we land on Yavin. I suggest you get some sleep." Without saying another word, he walked towards the door and opened it. Before he took another step, he spoke softly. "Amara…"

She looked towards him then. He didn't call her any pet name, but instead used her real name. He looked over his shoulder at her and his deep eyes met hers, and once again she felt grounded.

"I just want you to just think about it. That's all I ask." And with that he left, shutting the door softly behind him.

"What news do you have for me lieutenant?"

The young man cleared his throat before speaking. "Sir… The dockmaster reports that a group of traders reported their ship missing to the authorities this morning. The ship is a 720 light freighter. The pilot says that they ship hadn't been refueled so there are only a few places that the ship could have gone."

"And what of the woman?"

The man hesitated before responding. "She—She managed to escape from the Red Veil. A sweep of her home showed that she hadn't returned after she was approached by Agent Terex. The ticket master at the docks said that a woman matching her description asked for tickets on a transport ship but was denied because there were no more ships scheduled to leave until morning. She was advised to seek passage on another ship. The ticket master claims that she didn't see where she went after that."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"General Hux." The man nodded before leaving.

Armitage stood in the command center of his ship. His eyes trained on the motionless stars around him. His fingers slowly twirling the small metal object in his hand. It was a small band that he constantly wore on his pinky finger. A band that reminded him of the promise me made those years ago. He closed his eyes as he slowly put the band back on his finger before placing his hands behind his back.

"I'll find you. And this time, I won't let you go."