10. Journal

She sent him out for more paint with the promise that she wouldn't stand on anything higher then her two feet... and she couldn't help but still be amazed by his obvious concern. He was going to be a wonderful father...he already was a wonderful father.

She was sifting through an old box of what she believed was old photographs when she found a journal. It was wrapped in tissue paper and by the looks of it, appeared to be worn and torn. She pulled it open on instinct and soon found herself thumbing through pieces of a life she thought was buried forever.

The hardest part about this new life is knowing that you won't be a part of it. I know you will never read this but somehow it makes me feel better to write it all down...to know that despite what happens in the real world, there is still a document of what I really feel for you...feelings I'm too scared to admit to your face...

"Scared," she asked herself, the surprise clearly evident even as she said the words out loud...and then suddenly he was there and she felt like the kid who got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"Is this...Is this really about me Bo," she finally asked, figuring it was better to just admit that she had been reading his private emotions. He put the paint down and motioned for her to sit. He picked up the journal and joined her on the foot of their bed, draping an arm around her shoulder as he looked into her dark brown eyes.

"It's about you and me and the life that we lost...It was the only way I could work out some of those dark days without you."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why couldn't you just tell me how you felt?"

"Because it hurt too much...and the alternative was much too scary."

"I didn't think you were afraid of anything..."

"Everyone's scared of something Red...Me...I was scared of you...still am on most days..."

"Me?"

"Don't look so surprised...You have that power over a man sweetheart...The reason you have it is because you are such an amazing woman...so different then your average woman."

"I don't know about that. I'm the one who hurt you."

"I hurt you too...and I'm not sure that I would still be here if you hadn't fought that hard to get through to me. I won't deny that you hurt me...you did...more than anyone else in my life...but you also saved me...and to be honest, I don't think anyone else would have fought the devil itself for me...I was scared of that kind of intensity...because as bad as you hurt me, you also loved me just as fiercely...and I loved you right back...we could either make each other blissfully happy or we could destroy each other...sometimes I couldn't tell where the lines blurred."

She smiled sweetly as she placed her palms on his cheeks..."Neither Could I...But Don't ever be afraid of me Bo...I'm not made of glass."

"More like iron and steel," he said, and she laughed before she kissed him. "How about we shoot for blissfully happy this time?"

"I like the sound of that," he said, as he pressed his lips to hers. "You have no idea how happy you make me Red...I know that most men would kill for the chance to hold you like I do every night...and you could have refused to give me what I denied you all those years...you could have chosen any man you wanted."

"And the only man I will ever want is you...I did from the moment I met you...why do you think we fought so damn hard then? You had a wife and I was falling in love with you..."

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"You can tell me anything."

"Even when Sarah was a part of my life, I felt something for you...attraction maybe...definitely fascination. I don't know what it was but fighting with you almost felt like..."

"Foreplay," they said in unison. " Sometimes It still does, " She continued. "I've never loved anyone like you before. I almost didn't survive losing you. If I ever lost you again, it would kill me for sure..."

"Never going to happen," he whispered breathlessly between heated kisses. His fingers gripped a handful of her hair as his mouth took hers...his tongue now plunging inside her moist lips.

"And then I felt guilty because I did love her," he said..."You just snuck up on me when I wasn't looking...made me question everything I thought I knew with certainty before. I loved Sarah but...even then there was something between us...and it scared the hell out of me."

"Me too," she confessed.

This was the part that always scared them the most...because the problem with having everything you want is how easy it is to lose it...And This time when they made love, it was with heartfelt intensity...the kind you only experience when you know what it feels like to lose your entire world...they made love like it was their first and last time all rolled into one...