WARNING: mentions of self-harm and depression

She stared down at her arm, critically examining the silvery scars that were already present under the bright fluorescent lights of her bathroom. She felt the urge to add another one. To feel the pain as her skin was split open. To watch the blood spill out from the cut. To watch the red bead fall down her arm. She knew it wouldn't change anything, but at least it was something she could do. At least it was something she could control. At least it was something she could feel.

She wanted to have control. She wanted to feel. She wanted to smile. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to do so much. But she couldn't. She was incapable. She wasn't happy enough to smile. She wasn't sad enough to cry. She wasn't angry enough to scream. She wanted to. So badly. But she couldn't. It was like she was empty, but at the same time she felt so much. Too much.

She felt the burning sensation of being a disappointment. She felt the burning sensation of not being good enough. She felt the burning sensation of needing to be perfect. She felt the burning sensation of needing to prove that she did in fact belong in this world. She felt the burning sensation of tears behind her cloudy, dull brown eyes. But they refused to fall. They refused to allow her the release of crying. They refused to allow her the outlet of all the pent-up emotions she'd been carrying around for God knows how long.

That was the worst part. She felt empty, but at the same time she felt so much. It was frustrating beyond belief. The frustration only serving to make her want to cry even more. Which added to her frustration the she just couldn't cry. She was incapable.

She reached for the shiny silver blade that was sat on her counter. She just needed to feel something. She needed something real. Something tangible. Something she could control. She knew it was wrong. She knew it wouldn't help. But that didn't stop her from placing the blade against her pale skin.

Perhaps this was her punishment. For being a disappointment. For not being good enough. For not being perfect. For not proving that she belonged in this world. The tears stayed stubbornly behind her eyes, taunting her, but refusing to fall. It wasn't like she wasn't used to people making fun of her, teasing her, looking down on her. They did it all the time. At least, they did in her head. But that's as real as real life isn't it? That still counts, doesn't it?

She didn't hesitate before dragging the blade across her pale skin, making the cut. She watched the red pool out of her split open skin with fascination. Finally something she could control. Finally something she could feel.

Her tears fell, staining her pale cheeks before dropping off of her chin and onto her pale arm. They didn't fall because she had finally reached an adequate level of sadness. The fell because they couldn't taunt her anymore. They fell because she finally got what she was looking for. A way to release her pent-up emotions. Her pent-up sadness. Her pent-up anger. Her pent-up frustration. All of the emotions that had been stifled inside of her finally escaped through her open cut, mixed with her fallen tears, and fell to the floor, splattering drops of red on the tile. She didn't mind the mess. In fact, she welcomed it. It was proof. Proof that she finally had control. Proof that she finally felt something. Something real. Something tangible. And it would later serve as a reminder when she went to clean it up. A reminder that she had felt something. Something real. Something tangible.

She carefully wiped away the red stain it left on her arm and bandaged herself up before pulling on a dark pink long-sleeved shirt. It wouldn't do her any good if people found out. They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand how she couldn't smile. They wouldn't understand how she couldn't cry. They wouldn't understand how she couldn't scream. They wouldn't understand how she felt empty, but at the same time felt so much. They wouldn't understand how it gave her control. They wouldn't understand how she finally had something real, something tangible. They wouldn't understand.

How could they understand any of it when she didn't understand any of it? It was irrational, she knew. If it was anyone else, she would tell them to stop. She would tell them that they weren't a disappointment. She would tell them that they were more than good enough. She would tell them that perfection was overrated, they were beautiful the way they were. She would tell them that they had a place in this world. She knew she would tell somebody else all of this. She knew. But she didn't know why she couldn't tell herself.

Maybe it was because she knew she was a liar. She was constantly telling everyone that she was okay, she was fine, she was just tired. She was constantly telling everyone that they had nothing to worry about when it came to her. She was constantly telling everyone she was happy. She was constantly telling everyone that she knew she was perfect, that she knew she was beautiful. She was constantly telling everyone that she belonged in this world, more so than some people. She was constantly lying to everyone.

Maybe that's why she didn't believe herself when she tried to tell herself that she should stop. That she wasn't a disappointment. That she was more than good enough. That perfection was overrated, and she was beautiful the way she was. That she had a place in this world.

But if she repeats the lie enough times, it becomes true, right? Right? Wrong. So very wrong. No matter how many times she tries to convince herself that what she says is the truth, she doesn't believe it. Can't believe it.

It's irrational, she knows. She feels empty, but at the same time she feels so much. Too much. And that's what you don't see.

A/N: Hey guys and gals. This was heavy, I know.

I wrote this at 5 this morning without a specific character in mind (we're not going to get into why). It just happened to fit Audrey's character, so here you go. But you could imagine it's any character you want really.

I hope you enjoy. Thanks to those who follow, favorite, or review. Thanks for just reading. You all know that you don't have to do any of that. I really appreciate it.

Stay safe and please don't do anything stupid.