September 30th 2014, Sidney, Australia
She woke up with a start, sweating, shaking, too desperate to breathe. It took her a moment to find her bearings in the pitch-black room, and with unsteady hands she reached over and turned on the light. Her chest was heavy and her breath came ragged and when she looked down at her hands, she could see how hard they were gripping the blanket. Her knuckles were white and the sinews on her wrists and arms stood out. She seemed to be holding onto the blanket for dear life. Her body was stiff and ached – the position she had fallen asleep in mustn't have been comfortable.
Kylie felt like she was drowning, suffocating, like there wasn't enough air around her. Her throat was shut tight, she felt her eyes bulge out and in her panicked state, she couldn't think of anything better to do than jump up, make for the door and run, just run. She didn't care about leaving the door to her apartment wide open, she didn't care about running on the street with nothing more than a tank top, sweatpants and socks on in the middle of the night or who might see her, all she cared about was that slight chance of escaping that massive force that was caving in on her, threatening to crush and bury her.
She ran hard and fast on that one last breath that she thought she had left, her socked feet making quick little slapping sounds against the wet concrete – there was a slow but steady drizzle – until her legs gave out under her and she fell to her hands and knees. Air came rushing back into her lungs, replacing the feeling of suffocating, and she felt as if she had just come up from having been under water for far too long. The first couple of breaths came ragged, painful, desperate but soon, they mixed with tears that she thought she didn't have any more began to stream freely from her eyes, blurring her vision as she now pressed her forehead against the cold pavement.
And then she just screamed. It started as the most distressing howl deep in her chest – which felt like it was on fire and going to explode any second – and broke through, resonating in her body and soul. She screamed out all the pain, the agony, the misery she had been in for such a long time. She screamed and screamed – at the world, at the pain, at herself.
She didn't have any recollection of how long she sat there in the middle of the street, but when she finally picked herself back up, the night was not as dark as it had been when she had left the house.
All wet and terribly worn out, she dragged herself upright and walked back to her apartment. She passed by the couch – her usual sleeping place – and crawled into her bed, finally falling asleep and sleeping through to the morning without any disturbing dreams.
The next morning, everything felt different. Her sleep had been deeper and replenishing, to say the least. She actually felt better when she woke up, more energetic and a maybe even little more connected to the world.
For a moment, she would just lay there, feeling the soft but cool sheets against her skin, staring up against the ceiling. It was as if the next step took convincing or thorough thought, and Kylie spent a long time contemplating her choices. In the end, she got up and walked over into the bathroom, where she stopped in front of the sink. She placed both hands against the cold ceramic and breathed in with her eyes closed, slowly lifting her head towards the mirror. When she finally managed to look at herself, she was scared at what she saw.
With her skin translucent and saggy around the edges, huge dark bags under her eyes, a deep frown edged into her forehead and on top of the bridge of her nose, her lips thin and colorless, her honey brown eyes stood out in stark contrast, looking even darker. Her grip tightened on the sides of the sink, realizing that she needed to snap out of it, no matter how hard it seemed to be.
She took a long shower, lathered herself several times with soap, shampoo and conditioner – as if to wash away the past – dried herself and forced her still wet, light brown hair into something that resembled a ponytail and even found it in her to put on some basic make-up. Then she prepared herself a hearty breakfast, bacon, scrambled eggs, two English Muffins – even though she didn't feel hungry. She knew she was starved – she had near fasted for 20 days – but was far beyond the stage of feeling hunger. The appetite came while eating, though, and the more she ate the more she realized that she had not been taking care of herself at all during those last few weeks.
Once she was finished, she sat back in her chair, taking in her surroundings as if she were seeing it for the first time. There were dirty dishes piling up on the counter, food that she in one moment had prepared but couldn't muster to eat gone bad – thank God there was no bad smell just yet – and generally just chaos in her kitchen. She suddenly felt the urge to deep clean everything – disinfect, sterilize – as if it would do any good. She knew it wouldn't, but she also knew that she couldn't go on living in this pile of dirt. Her home, if you could still call it home, felt dark, cold and lonely.
Her glance travelled further down the dark cluttered hallway and came to a rest on the pink unicorn sticker on the door to Emma's room. Emma's empty room. While she looked at it, she felt as if the hallway stretched and the door moved farther and farther away, and her heart ached accordingly. She knew that Emma would not be coming back, ever, but right now, the emptiness that was in her heart did not hurt as much as it had before.
Slowly, she got up and walked towards the door, still feeling that it moved away but once her fingers closed around the handle and turned it, the world stood still entirely.
Hesitant, she pushed the door open and suddenly stood flooded in warm, golden sunlight. It made her feel at peace – as crazy as it sounded. It was as if the fuzzy warmth and the bright light that spilled from her dead baby daughter's room went directly into her bones to warm her core and lighten her heart.
Once her eyes had adjusted to the brightness, she felt much more rested and serene than she had just a few moments ago. As she moved forward, she let her hand travel along the rails of the bed, over the changing table, across the stuffed animals that decorated the low hanging book-shelves, and only allowed the good memories to come when she sat down on the pink duvet of the bed. The warm light was still on her when she breathed in and out calmly. After all these days she had lived in misery, she was finally able to find and collect herself.
It was funny, all this time she had thought that she could never again move freely through the apartment, let alone step foot into this room. Yet here she was, sitting on her daughter's bed with that soothing light on her face, and she felt at peace. She didn't believe in God, but this here had felt very much like a divine intervention. The pain had diminished, and with it the self-hatred and guilt.
She remembered the moment she found out she was pregnant. She hadn't planned to get knocked up, but things like that tend to happen even though you take precautions. He was a US Marine on shore leave for a couple of days, and you know what they say about sailors – one woman in every port – and they had fun for the time being. Nothing about their relationship was anywhere close to being serious and she had absolutely no intentions to turn it into anything serious. Neither did he because she never heard back from him after he returned to duty.
Nothing can actually prepare you for that type of news, especially when you weren't planning for a child. And yes, she was scared. She did not feel prepared to have a child, especially being a single mother, but her parents were supportive, as they had always been, and little by little, Kylie came to find that the growing entity within her actually filled her with peace and confidence.
Kylie didn't miss the father of her unborn baby at all, she decided to not even tell him that she was pregnant. It hadn't been that difficult, to be honest. Even though there had been mutual attraction, it hadn't been enough to create a deeper bond and he disappeared from her life soon enough. She had always been Little Miss Independent and there was no way she would be changing that any time soon.
Breaking the news to her boss, Air Vice Marshal Roberton, was a different story, though. She had only recently been promoted within the department of Air Control to lead the Joint Terminal Attack Control, and Roberton wasn't too happy to let her go, even for only a couple of months, understandably, but he had a family, too. He however made her promise to come back to the team. Kylie loved her job, she loved working with her team-mates and had come to realize that there was no better job for her out there. He was good as what she was doing, and Roberton knew that damn well.
She buried herself in work and preparations like changing her office/workout room into a nursery and time flew by. She took the legally corresponding 6 weeks of paid prenatal leave and would make use of the paid 14 weeks postnatal.
And then, the big day came – and the incredible pain of labor she thought would never go away was soon forgotten once she held that little creature in her arms. Emma, the name came on its own. She hadn't spent much thought on it before the birth, but it felt very natural to call her Emma. She looked like an Emma.
Emma had been the sweetest baby. She rarely cried, had an amazing appetite and was ever so attentive of her mother and surroundings. And as had been the deal, she went back to work three and a half months later, leaving Emma in the excellent care of her grandmother and grandfather – until that fateful day when a monster from another dimension hit her home and took what she most cherished.
The sun was setting outside when Kylie finally got up from the tiny bed. She had spent most of the day in there. it had been necessary. The nightmares of the past weeks were gone and only good memories filled her head now, and even though the bad ones would never be forgotten, at least she felt that they – to some level – were forgiven. The warmth still filled her every corner and made her feel at peace. The ghosts that had been chasing her had finally come to rest.
She was tired, but not exhausted even though the quality of sleep she had gotten over the past couple of weeks hadn't been the best – except for last night maybe – but she felt that she simply couldn't go back to sleep. The idea of sleep right now felt like hiding. There was a surge of energy coursing through her body and she felt the need to do something, to accomplish a task she had not been able to do in all those days of wallowing.
She turned on the TV in the living room to have some background noise, only to find that the news were on again. The news seemed to be the only thing every single channel was transmitting. Even though only half-heartedly, Kylie paid attention while figuring out what to do next. Military personnel and people from the private sector were combing the area around Garigal National Park. The whole nation was still declared state of emergency as the consequences of the Kaiju attack and nuclear blast were not only the destruction and the penetrating, but thankfully short-lived alpha radiation, but also the fine smoke materials that would be detected in the upper atmosphere for many months at least and the lasting beta radiation that contaminated land and water.
She had to closed her eyes for a moment and breathe in deeply. She felt pity for everyone out there but there was only so much she could feel. She had lost everything already and didn't care much about any future consequences for anyone. Another sigh escaped her chest, then she focused on the task at hand. From where she stood - behind the sofa she had spent so many nights on - she got quite a good view on the whole apartment. The kitchen was in dire need of cleaning, that was obvious, and in her opinion the most intelligent point to start.
The first thing she did was open all the curtains to let in what was left of the warm daylight, then she armed herself with a huge black garbage bag and Clorox wipes and proceeded to swipe most of what was on those countertops into the plastic bag. There were rests of prepared food, some boxes of take-out ordered online and dried up fruit - some even with slowly growing whitish fluff on them. Then she filled the sink with hot water and soap and swooped all the dishes in. Most of them needed a good soaking, and Kylie would let them have their time before she scrubbed away all those days of despair from them, too. She used most of the Clorox wipes on the surfaces of the kitchen, the living room and the main bathroom and scrubbed and scoured and rubbed and wiped and little by little, cleanliness and life came back to the once so dark and dank apartment - to herself.
It was dark outside when she finally felt that she has finished. Looking around now, she realized that she had not only cleaned up, she had also changed around the furniture. Maybe this could mean a new start. She now understood that she would have to make do with what was left of her life.