Tris was appalled.
The kiss was replaying in her mind over and over on the walk to the dining hall. Tris had so many conflicting emotions. She was disgusted that he had kissed her – and especially without her consent – but she didn't know what she felt about the actual kiss.
Tris tried to convince herself that it was a gross, slimy-like-a-fish kiss. But it wasn't. No matter how hard she had tried to convince herself think that she had hated it, she didn't. The truth was that Eric was a great kisser. She hated herself for admitting it because she wanted to hate the kiss and be absolutely angry at him – and she was – but she was more focused on if she would ever kiss Eric again. Which obviously isn't going to happen, Tris thought.
But she was also unsure about what to do next. She didn't want to go back to work with Eric tomorrow, but she had to. And she couldn't report him to anyone because he was the leadership, and he could easily say that she was lying or pin it on her.
She walked down to meet her friends in the dining hall, despite having totally no appetite. They were sitting in the middle of the big room, surrounded by drunk, laughing, happy and energetic Dauntless.
She sat down next to Christina and across from Uriah. She didn't want too much attention in case they read her face and asked what was up, so she muttered a quiet, "Hey."
"Hey, how's it going with the scary leader so far?" Christina said around a bite of her hamburger. Well that worked great, Tris thought sarcastically.
"Fine. I just did paperwork the whole time." She wasn't about to tell them about her embarrassing kiss with Eric. That would earn endless teasing and endless questions – never mind what Al would do. "What about you guys?"
"Well, Four is so quiet. And boring. He never talks unless it's about computers or training. It's no fun." Uriah leaned back on the bench, and then stood up abruptly, looking across the hall. He started walking away, and called back behind his shoulder, "Hey, I gotta do something. See you!"
Christina threw a wary look at Tris at the mention of Four. Uriah didn't know about the whole business with Four. They figured that since Four was training him, it would be better if he didn't know. But Tris still had him as a friend to lean on – even if Uriah didn't know why.
"What about you, Chris?" Tris totally ignored the mention of Four, and continued on like nothing had happened.
She squealed, going back to her normal self in a flash. "It's amazing! I love drawing and the tech is so cool. You should come in and I could give you a tattoo! Tris. That is a fantastic idea!"
Tris almost roll her eyes at the thought of Christina using her as someone to test out designs – permanent designs – but she wasn't worried because she would never let it happen. She was getting sick of being Chris's own personal doll, but Chris was a good friend to her, so she sucked it up. "I don't know, Chris. I don't think I need another one."
"Fine, I'll just have to use Will." Chris smiled wickedly at Will, and leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around her, and they started chatting in their own private bubble.
Tris was awkwardly looking around the dining hall to give the couple some space. From across Christina, Al stared at her. "So, how is Eric really?"
She knew that Al had an ulterior motive for his questions. It had been like this for a while - especially since the start of the apprenticeships. He wanted to get close to her, to be one of her closest friends and get her to rely on him. It was his strategy to get beyond the friend zone into something more intimate. She didn't want that, she liked him as her friend. And all Al did was sulk whenever he got too drunk to walk in a straight line and confessed his love for her, only to have her refuse him. He never gave up though, and Tris was beginning to get more and more agitated.
"Like I said, I did paperwork and it was fine. We barely even talked." She smiled, even though she didn't feel like it. But she had to - to keep Al at bay and not devastated – it was mostly her Abnegation coming through.
"What kind of paperwork?" He leaned forward on his elbows.
"Just regular paperwork, you know - the usual stuff."
"Nice."
"Yeah…"
Tris was about to ask him about his apprenticeship, but she remembered that he didn't have one. He was ranked last, so he is now a Dauntless janitor. He didn't need much training, so there was no apprenticeship. He had another whole month full of annoying Tris and getting drunk.
"Hey Tris, we are planning on having a party this Saturday night. That's in, what? Two days?" Chris looked to Will for confirmation. He was kissing her neck – which reminded Tris of Eric, which made her face get all red – and he slowly nodded. "Yeah, so, you in?"
"Hell yes." Maybe all she needed was a distraction, and getting drunk, playing party games and dancing would certainly be a good one. And a good alternative to doing nothing in her apartment, all alone.
…
Today is going to be good, Tris thought; don't think about Eric kissing you or what is going to happen today, just focus on getting ready.
Unfortunately, it wasn't that simple. Her mind was running a mile a minute on how Eric would act today. Would he kiss her again? Act like nothing had happened? Or would he get mad at her? She was running through all of the possible scenarios in her head as she also half paid attention to Christina talking about her anniversary with Will.
"Tris? Hey! Snap outta it!" Chris waved a hand in front of Tris's face with a sour expression on her face. "What are you thinking about anyways?"
"Oh, sorry Chris. It's nothing, I have just been stressed with all this stuff going on, you know?" Tris half lied. She was stressed about everything that was going on, and that was the truth, but she just left out the big details – like how Eric kissed her.
"What stuff?" Chris frowned, unsatisfied with Tris's answer.
"Just…. Stuff. Ya know, the apprenticeship and all that stuff."
"What's wrong? Tris, you're obviously lying. Why won't you tell me?" When she didn't get a response from Tris, Chris joked, laughing lightly, "What did Eric do to you?"
Tris froze, not quite catching the jest in Christina's voice. Did Christina know? Tris didn't know why she didn't want anybody knowing about the kiss. Chris could spin things real fast and think they were dating or… hooking up or whatever. It was also embarrassing for Tris and a blow to her pride because she had been helpless against Eric when he kissed her. No one could know. But she doubted that Eric would want anyone to know that he had kissed the Stiff. She shook her head in disgust.
Chris noticed Tris's wide eyes. "Actually though, what did he do to you? Did he hurt you, or come on to you in any way?"
"No, it was nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing, it was completely normal." Tris pointed to the leadership offices. "I think that I'm gonna be early for my meeting with Eric. Don't want him to be mad or anything," Tris laughed breathily, "I should go."
"Okay, bye Tris." And Tris left a very confused and worried Christina standing in the middle of the tunnel leading to the Pit.
…
"Hey Cat." Tris smiled at the girl behind the desk, playing some kind of game on the computer.
"Oh. Hey Tris! I would be careful around him; he's in a weird mood today." Cat smiled freely, and Tris envied her care free attitude to everything.
"Thanks." She walked past her into the Eric's hallway.
The reality of her decision hit her like the concrete wall outside his office. She had chosen to come to Eric's early just to avoid Christina confronting her. She had chosen to go to the place she wanted to avoid so badly instead of talking with her best friend. Tris was actually over an hour early.
Well, there is no turning back now, Tris breathed deeply and knocked on the door of his unformal office.
"Yes?" Eric's deep voice rumbled.
Tris was suddenly nervous and self-conscious as she said, "It's me Tris." She then mentally cursed herself for coming so early - because it was such a stupid decision.
"May I ask why the fuck you are here so early?" He didn't sound as mad as she had seen him in the past, but he did sound like she was a thorn in his side; kind of how she thought about Al. Someone who he wanted to get rid of as soon as possible.
"Sorry, I can leave and come back if you want."
"Nah, its fine, just come in." She then noticed that he sounded kind of tired.
The office was just as depressing and as shabby as she remembered, and she stood at the door awkwardly until he gestured for her to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk. She sat still, hands clasped on her lap with her back as straight as a rod, like she had in school.
He looked her in the eye, his hands clasped on the desk in front of him. "Listen, Tris, I was outta line for what happened yesterday. I admit that it was wrong me to do, but don't expect an apology cuz I aint giving you one, 'kay Stiff?"
She was glad about the half apology, but was about to protest about the nickname when he smirked and said "'Kay Tris?"
"'Kay, Eric." She had to fight back her silly smile; she had nothing to worry about. She was thanking the Gods and relaxed a bit in her chair. She didn't have to worry about what Eric was going to do now, and a whole weight lifted off her chest. "So, what are we doing today?"
He smirked at her reaction, and shuffled around the papers on his desk. "I have a lot of paperwork still to do, so that is on the agenda for the both of us."
"Okay, just give me the papers and the pen," And with that statement, they silently worked in comfortable silence for a few minutes until Tris got a little bored.
"Eric, did you transfer from Erudite?"
His face went all blank and stony, and he continued on with his work, not looking up at her. "It doesn't matter. I'm Dauntless now."
"But were you from Erudite?" After their exchange earlier, she thought that they were getting farther from pure hatred, so she assumed it was an appropriate question.
She was just making conversation after all.
"Why bother asking? Four already told you." He looked at her accusingly.
"What? No…" Her pathetic protests stopped and she became serious and shrugged, "I wanted to hear it from you. It's not like I trust Four anymore." It didn't hurt to say his name anymore either and she was glad of that.
"Yeah, that's right isn't it?" He always shut down when someone asked him something personal, or whenever they were getting somewhere, she noticed. "He broke up with you, didn't he? It was cheating, right? Yeah, I believe it was that. With Shauna too." He said in a mocking voice, and then huffed out a mocking laugh.
She was hurt by his words, but also vaguely remembered how sweet he was during her breakdown and how he put on a mean façade constantly. "I know you don't mean that."
"What do you mean?" Eric questioned.
"I don't believe that you meant to be that cruel, I think it's an automatic response when someone asks you something personal." Tris liked to look for the good in people, unless there was no hope – like she had thought about Eric during initiation. She was also feeling a bit of confidence from previously knowing that she had nothing to worry about regarding Eric and the kiss, and used that hope to say her very personal statement about Eric out loud.
"You're wrong. I am cruel. And I don't like people prying into my life." She had made him slightly angry by this point. "Listen, I know you don't have a life, but look for someone else to let you live through theirs, cuz I don't want you here."
Tris was stunned. A lot of people had said some really nasty things about her, but this was one of the worst because lately, it had felt like she didn't have a life. She didn't have a boyfriend, and most of her small group of friends were focused on their boyfriends and girlfriends. She felt like crying with a bottle of beer, but instead held her head up high; determine to not let him see how it affected her.
"Your right Eric. I don't have a life and need to live through someone else's constantly. So, tell me, Eric, what about your life? Can I live through it, or is it as non-existent as mine? Tell me, where are your friends at? What about your girlfriend, Eric? Where is she hiding? So, Eric, tell me, how much of a hypocrite are you?"
Eric laughed loudly - not a smirk and he wasn't laughing at her - but an actual laugh. He tipped his head back and laughed from his throat, and once he stopped and faced Tris, he grinned and replied with, "Touché."
Tris grinned at him, "So, when-"
"Don't push your luck Tris." He looked back down at the array of paper spread out before him.
"I was going to ask when we are going to start physical training." She started on her own pile of work, not looking at him.
"I don't know, I really have to focus on the project I'm working on. So, maybe in a couple of weeks? This is the project where I prove myself to Max." He said absentmindedly.
"See? You need my help. I could help you, Eric, help you prove yourself to Max." She pleaded; she wanted to be kept in the loop with what was going on. "C'mon Eric."
"Do you really want me to kiss you again Tris?" He smirked, with an amused and evil expression.
"Why did you kiss me?" Tris must have been feeling very courageous right now, to be asking all of those questions to the scary leader.
He shrugged, "I wanted you to leave me alone, and I knew you would if I, ya know, made a move on you." He looked almost embarrassed, scratching the back of his neck.
"Oh." It was a stupid reason to kiss her, and an unjustified one, she thought.
"I know." Eric said as if he read her mind, and lowered his head. "Tris…"
"It doesn't matter, right? I mean, it's no big deal." Tris started studying the paperwork in front of her to avoid looking at Eric.
"Yeah, well…" He cleared his throat. "I should probably get back to my work. So should you."
"Okay." Anything to stop this awkward conversation, Tris thought.
A couple of hours passed by with a few awkward glances at each other, or the occasional small talk about the progress of their work. Tris was getting hungry by this time, but couldn't gather up the courage to ask Eric from a lunch break after that awkward talk regarding their kiss. Every time she backed out from asking him, she cursed herself for being so pathetic that she couldn't even ask someone who was two years older than her to go to lunch. Dauntless is about bravery, you coward, Tris sighed.
Eric looked up when she signed and asked, "Do you want to take a lunch break? Its 12:30."
"Yes please." Tris got up and stretched out her sore muscles from sitting for so long – she was a very active person and didn't like to be inactive for a long period of time. Although she did have many cheat days after her breakup with Four.
"I know." Eric smirked and gathered his keys and all he would need for lunch.
"What?" Tris was surprised. What did he mean?
"I heard your stomach growling for the past half hour. When it started to distract me, I thought it was a good time for you to eat something." Eric looked her in the eyes with his own amused ones.
Tris laughed good-naturedly, but was still a little embarrassed about her stomachs growling. Was it that loud? Tris thought. Her cheeks reddened a bit, and even more when Eric held the door open for her.
Wait, I distracted Eric? Tris thought, stunned for a second because she thought of something along the lines of that kiss. Don't be stupid, it was my stomach.