NOTES FROM THE AUTHOR:
Barley makes a quick mention of Shrub Rosehammer in the film. Shrub then makes a brief appearance in the book, "Onward: The Search for the Phoenix Gem: An In-Questigation". Sadalia asks Shrub about Barley and he says:"Yeah, well, I've known Barley forever. Since we were kids. You know Quests of Yore?".
I got the idea to write this when I responded to a headcannon on Tumblr. I wrote a short blurb about Barley as a kid. Then a lovely person reblogged my blurb and said that it was in-line with cannon because of the short mention of Shrub Rosehammer in the Onward book. Yay!
As always, thank you for reading. I will continue updating this until finished. It won't be very long though (unless the plot bunnies come to ravage my brain).
Please leave a comment if you enjoyed it.
A white minivan sped down the highway desperate to amble through morning traffic. Several drivers pounded on their horns and shook their fists as the clunky grimy vehicle swerved in and out between lanes. A voluptuous troll with a giant blonde pompadour wrapped within a pink floral scarf was at the helm of the minivan. In the passenger's seat sat a tiny troll whose eyes were nearly obscured by his bowl shaped haircut. He gazed out the window and clutched his backpack like a life raft. On the dashboard a phone number blinked and her long rainbow colored nail created a clacking noise as she pressed on the screen.
"Hey, Frigg" a woman's nasally voice came from the car stereo. "A few of your nail clients are waiting for you"
"I told Sharon to block off my schedule in the morning! You know it's lil' Shrubby's first day in the third grade." Frigg cooed and the little troll beside her flushed crimson as he moaned.
"Well, she didn't and now they're here." The woman said with irritation.
"I'll be there after I take the rest of the crew to Ma's house and get little Shrubby on his way. Not a minute sooner. Sharon made the mistake and I'm not gonna bust my buns tryin' to make up for it" The call ended and an electronic beat began to pound out of the speakers as hard driving guitars whirled like buzz saws. Frigg screeched along to the music like tone deaf seagull.
"We are floating above the mountains. Watching all the tiny people..."
In the back seat sat two grey car seats each with a wriggling chubby troll confined to it with several buckles and straps. A slightly older troll sat next to them fully engrossed in a handheld videogame that beeped and buzzed as his thumbs viciously attacked the buttons embedded within it. They lurched against their restraints as the car came to an abrupt stop. The tots screamed and giggled as they took turns pulling each other's hair and tossing their toys at one another. Without looking up from his game, the troll swung his head to the side deftly avoiding the swift grab at his hair from the tiny hand beside him. Flipping down the sun visor Frigg smeared a hot pink tube of lipstick onto her plump lips. She lowered her cat eye sunglasses, gave herself a wink, and blew a kiss.
"Ma'! Do you have to sing?" the boy winced as he frantically stabbed the button on the car door causing his window to roll up.
"Oh come on, Shrubby" she said smacking her lips. "Don't you wanna sing along with Uncle Mortiis? Remember how he sent you that nice painting for your birthday last year?"
Having had ample experience, Shrub ducked as a plastic toy hurled overhead and smacked against the dashboard. He turned to look in the back seat and frowned. "Ullr! Jotnar! Quit it! Bragi why didn't you stop them?"
The baby trolls cackled in delight. "Nuh uh, no way." Bragi said shaking his head. "I tried that last time and Ullr bit me!"
"Ullr! Jotnar! No throwing. No biting." Frigg said yelling over the music. "Bragi, get the diaper bag and hand them those frozen slugs"
The light turned green and the minivan lurched to life and careened down the street. The dusty minivan seemed to shudder a sigh of relief as it pulled into the parking lot and came to a stop. Frigg pulled a lever causing the trunk to pop open. She withdrew a black stroller that could fit five normal car seats comfortably within it. Clicks and ticks resounded as she went to work unhooking chords and unlatching buckles from the first of the car seats. Shrub got out of the car and pulled his backpack tightly to his chest. Before him stood a giant brick building with a metal flagpole out front. The windows appeared like black soulless eyes gazing at him. The white doors were giant teeth chomping as they swung open and closed ready to devour him. He could feel the ground rolling behind him. Closing his eyes, he rapidly sucked in and exhaled air as he trembled.
Frigg crouched down and placed her hand onto his back. "Shrubby, what would Elric the Brave do?" Frigg said softly as the troll babes screeched gaily from the confines of the stroller.
"H-he'd draw his sword and kill the monster" Shrub said. His breathing eased as his mother's hand moved in small circles on his back.
"Okay, let's roll to see what happens" Frigg withdrew a twenty sided dice from her pocket and rolled it around in her hand. "Oh wow, look what we have here!"
"Twenty! That's a critical hit!" Shrub said with eyes round with elation.
"That's right! Go get 'em, baby" Frigg smiled as she gently pinched his plump cheeks.
Frigg pushed the stroller up the walkway towards the front office. "Bragi, hold onto the stroller."
...
Laurel pushed her stroller down the walkway towards the front office. A chubby elf donning a red cape beneath his backpack held onto the stroller. With bottom lip stuck out he hummed to his self to keep the boredom at bay. An idea struck him causing his eyes to ignite before bolting off. Laurel took off after him and was careful not to make the stroller topple over as it bumped over tiny cracks and rocks on the ground. The tiny baby within the stroller remained fast asleep despite the commotion.
"Barley! Stop! Stop running!" Laurel yelled. With labored breath she caught up to the tiny elf.
He craned his neck to look up at the giant school building. His feet stood at the edge of a deep moat sloshing with water and rising from their depths were crocodiles with toothy smiles as they winked their eyes. Far above a castle loomed over him with stained glass windows alight with warm candlelight. Shadows passed in front of the windows and he wondered what great warriors await inside. Giant spires shot up from the rooftop of the school building looking as though they might pierce the skies.
"Lower the draw bridge great King! Together we can kill the dragon and get the gold!" Barley yelled. He withdrew a plastic sword from his backpack. Lifting his tiny fist to the sky he ran forward. Laurel grabbed the sword from his hand and caught him by the collar of his shirt.
"Remember, we made a compromise with the cape and those Viking boots I bought you from last Halloween. But I meant what I said. No swords at school!" Laurel said. She held the sword up high as Barley jumped up and down while swiping his hands in the air.
They returned to the front office and were greeted by an elf with a bob haircut and round glasses. She sat behind the front desk and her fingers tap danced on the keyboard as she gazed her monitor. The room was all a buzz as parents, along with their children, stood in line and others exited the office with children filled with gleeful expectations. Laurel stood behind a troll woman who greatly overshadowed her in height. She pointed to the seat with pursed lips and Barley threw himself down upon it as he crossed his arms. She'd watch the line and look ahead to see if there was any movement and spring her gaze back to Barley with a vigilant glare.
Bragi plopped down into one of the seats that lined the wall and continued pounding his fingers against his video game. He propped his feet on the coffee table and caught the withering glare his Mother gave him from over her sunglasses. With a sour harrumph he placed his feet onto the carpet. Shrub sat next to his brother as his tiny round eyes gazed around the room.
Frigg pushed the stroller up the front desk. "Hey Shirley. How's the fam?" Frigg said grasping the clipboard and the pen attached to it with a tiny chain. Soft scratches came from the pen as she breezed through the many forums attached.
"Doing well, Frigg! Back again!" Shirley said.
"Yeah, it's Shrubby's first day" Frigg said. "For Merlin's sake, they add more paperwork every year!"
"I know what you mean. The schoolboard continues to add regulations and it makes my job all the more complicated" Shirley said as she grabbed the clipboard. "Any medications this year?"
Frigg withdrew a large bottle from her diaper bag with a label saying, "Ymer's 10,000 SPF Sunscreen". "Shrubby will need to reapply this after lunch and before recess. We had a scare last year with Grendel not wantin' to wear his sunscreen and a patch of his skin turned to stone. Luckily it was just the skin and we didn't have ta' amputate his arm. So the doctor said we could get a skin graft. But, Gods, was it a gruesome to look at. They had to cut off the stone and then put this mesh thing onto of the bloody wound before they could apply the new skin. Here, I have pictures"
Frigg lifted her phone and the poor woman turned a deep shade of green before quickly pivoting her face back to her computer screen. "O-oh, that's horrible"
"Ain't it though? It reminds me of a hilarious story with my hubby and I back in High school" Frigg said with a short laugh. "On the night of the homecoming dance my hubby, who at the time was just my boyfriend, said that he had turned to stone. I panicked thinkin' everything was ruined and we'd have to spend the night in the Emergency Room. Nine months later my little Rose was born"
Shirley howled as she flipped through stacks of papers while pausing to pair and staple certain documents together. Others in the office tittered awkwardly as they exchanged apprehensive glances. An elderly elf cooed as she reached out to stroke the cheeks of the tots within the stroller. The eyes of the babes glimmered as grins cartoonishly curved upwards on their plump faces. Frigg glanced downward. "Not a good idea, hun"
"What, dearie? Did I do something wrong?"
"Not unless you want to draw back a numb" Frigg said pulling the stroller closer to herself. The tots continued to watch the elderly elf's finger with narrowed eyes filled with longing. "They're in their chomping phase"
"Chomping phase?" the elderly woman said recoiling.
"Oh that's right. Trolls are born with teeth" Shirley said.
"Yeah, and very sharp one's too" Frigg said. "Believe me, after eight kids I've got tits made of steel"
The nervous chuckles slowly died as those within the office turned various shades of pink. Meanwhile Shirley's laughter increased in pitch and hiccupped with snorts as she wiped tears from her eyes. Laurel's shoulders shook as she laughed discreetly. Shrub held his backpack over his face as he slid down into the seat.
NOTES:
- Mortiis is a musician noted for creating the genre known as "Dungeon Synth".
- I thought it would be fun to include him in this story since his shtick is to dress up like a troll/goblin during shows.
- He's a huge fan of John Bauer's art too (who is known for drawing beautiful paintings of trolls and other fantasy creatures).
- In Norse mythology sunlight is deadly to trolls. They're only seen at night or nightfall. I wondered how Trolls would live in the world of Onward and still be day-dwelling creatures. So I came up with the sunscreen idea.