Chapter8: What You Know Now

A/N: Hi guys! So there was some kind of problem with the reviews last week, if I didn't answer you, then I wasn't able to read it :( But thanks for all the reviews I was able to see and respond to!
Also, I uploaded a one-shot called "An Interview with Harley Quinn" and would be really interested in what you guys have to say about it.
Anna: Thanks so much!

Did some things you can't speak of
But at night you live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then

(Taylor Swift – Innocent)

"Today is going to be a splendid day! We're looking at the sun shining all day long! So put on those sunglasses and open the car windows!"

"Hey sis, haven't heard from you in a while. Are you ok? How's Puddin'? Janine and I broke up, but I'm ok."

"NYPD are doing their best to find the Rapunzel-Rapist, as local media has named him, but last night he struck again. The body of a 25-year-old was found by two construction sites workers this morning. All of her hair had been cut off."

"Harleen! How are you?! Wasn't last night awesome?! We should do it again! When are you coming in to work today?"

"Dr. Quinzel, this is Dr. Russel. You shift has started 40 minutes ago. Are you alright? When are you coming in?"

"Harleen! Something happened! You have to call me back as soon as you hear this ok?! Please!"

"Meow! Meow! Meow!"

"Harleen! Where are you?! You've got to call me back! It's...it's Dr. Turner somebody attacked him and he's here in hospital and...Harleen! Please!"

I sat up in bed for the first time in hours. Ever since I'd come home, I had lied down on my bed and just stared up at the ceiling. My thoughts had been the same for hours: My screams. His face. His blood. His dead body. And then over and over again: It was self-defence. It was self-defence. It was self-defence. It was self-defence.

It wasn't like I had enjoyed killing him. He had attacked me. I had fought back.

But a part of me had liked it very much. I had been the stronger one for once. I had finally stood up for myself. I'd overcome my attacker, overcome my trauma in a way Sharleen had never been able to. I had done more than survived. I had won.

But why did I feel like crap then?

Do you still need something?

Carley should be here any minute.

I groaned and then shot up, causing dizziness. Quinn's last message! She had said Dr. Turner was in hospital? He was alive? I stumbled out of bed and towards the phone. My cell had 17 unanswered phone calls most of them from Quinn.

"Hello?!" She yelled into the phone after it had rung once.

"Quinn." My voice shook. "What happened?"

"Oh Harleen!" She started to sob. "He just stumbled into the hospital, someone stabbed him and his head...he's in surgery, but he might be blind!"

I took a deep shuddering breath: "Dr. Turner? He's in hospital right now? He's not dead?"

"No!" Quinn laughed relieved inbetween her tears now. "No thank God he's not. Sorry for my hysterical messages...where are you?"

"I'm home, but I think somebody slipped me a roofie last night."

"What?!" She cried out.

"Yeah." I groaned. "I was completely knocked out until right now."

"But...but we were together all night! And we never let our drinks out of sight!"

"I know." I put the phone on speaker and started to get undressed from the clothes Mr. J had given me last night.

"Are you coming to the hospital? We need to do some tests!"

I looked at my reflection with an annoyed glance. My plan had been to stay away from the hospital not be drawn to it. My lie was starting to catch up with me, but what should I have done? Tell the truth?

"I already took my own blood." I lied and pulled a new red shirt over my head. "I'm on my way to the police station right now to make a report."

"Oh ok." Quinn was so upset because of Dr. Turner I probably hadn't even needed to tell her this lie. "Can you imagine what could have happened? You might have been raped."

"Yeah." I muttered. "I know."

I stepped onto something and there was a breaking sound. When I bent down I saw my glasses were on the floor, broken. They must have come of in the struggle last night. I hadn't even noticed it.

"I'll tell Dr. Russell what happened and I'll call you as soon as there's news!"

"Thanks." I hung up and threw the phone across the room, before screaming and throwing around chairs, the table and anything else I could find. By the time I was finished I was on the floor and out of breath and everything I owned was on the floor in pieces.

"Meow." Despite everything the tiny kitten came over to me and climbed onto my lap, rubbing her nose against me.

I stroked her head.

If Dr. Turner talked I was going to jail for attempted murder. I had no evidence that he had attacked me. That it had been self-defence. Besides, evidence or not: I was screwed. Everyone in this city believed him.

I stood up and prepared Puddin's meal. The poor thing hadn't eaten anything all day. By the time I was in the car it was dark out.

I was going to kill him. He dared to charge me, even though his boys had done nothing but clean away some blood?!

I didn't even knock this time, as I stalked inside the penthouse, yelling in my loudest voice:

"Mr. J! Come here right now!"

They were all in the living room again, but none of them seemed confused or even surprised.

"Dr. Quinzel!" He sounded amused, actually amused. "How nice of you to join us!"

He wore dark trousers and a green shirt, which as always was open, revealing his tattoos.

"How could you do that to me?!"I snapped getting right to the point. "Why the hell are you so fucking messed up?!"

Mr. J began to laugh and that wasn't what sent me over the edge. What did it was the fact that some of his men began to chuckle. The one closest to me was a young guy with brown hair, who was grinning happily. His gun was stuck in a holster at his hip.

My own agility surprised me, as I pulled the gun out, stepped forward and held the gun pointed to the Jokers temple in one swift movement.

Now all the men sobered up instantly. Except for Mr. J. The fact that I held a gun to his head seemed to be the funniest thing he'd seen in a while, because he was chuckling nonstop.

"Hahaha...look at you, sweet little Harleen playing with the big guns." I held his gaze, determined to not let him ridicule me.

"Boss." Johnny stepped forward, gun pointed at me.

"Relax, boys!" The Joker laughed. "Dr. Quinzel and I need some time alone, so just...go and masturbate or whatever it is you do in your free time."

None of them laughed at his comment or moved a muscle. Johnny wasn't the only one pointing a gun at me. But I didn't care. I kept my eyes locked with his.

"Boys. Leave." This time his voice had changed to something stricter and slowly the men pulled their guns away and even slower they left the room.

"Are you going to drop the gun, so we can talk like two nomal people?"

"You're not normal." I pushed the gun harder against his skin and something lit up in his eyes, but I knew it wasn't fear. It was anger.

"And what exactly is it that has you so upset?"

"You know what it is!" I snapped and the gun shook in my hand. "He's alive! You did absolutely nothing to help me!"

"Well hold on now, that's not true." The Joker held up his hands defensively. "It's my not my problem that you weren't able to kill this guy properly. You wanted your apartment cleaned and that's why I provided."

"It shouldn't cost me 20 million for your boys to wipe away some blood!"

"Hey." He said in a sad tone. "My boys put a lot of effort into cleaning your mess up, you should appreciate that."

I shook my head, unable to understand how he could be making jokes now.

"He tried to rape me and you just...you let me believe he was dead and I was safe!"

A hard look appeared in his eyes now and although I was the one holding a gun to his head I knew he was the one who had the entire control of the situation.

"Well, Dr. Quinzel I don't see how any of this is my concern. I am not your boyfriend, I don't have to care." I was speechless and he used this to continue: "If I remember correctly you were the one who sent me away, so what exactly do you want from me? You're obviously not going to kill me."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do." He stepped closer, forcing me to take some steps back, but I managed to keep the gun steady, although my hand began to shake some more. "Just like I know the thought of me having girlfriends keeps you up at night."

"Would you get over yourself?!" I snapped. "I rejected you, remember?"

"I do." He admitted with a flirtatious smile. "And yet you continue to come here. Like a moth drawn to the flame."

He's a psychopath, I told myself, he's manipulative. But he was my psychopath. And he was being manipulative for me. And his eyes were just so...blue and perfect...My heart raced in my chest and the gun in my hand grew heavier with each moment.

"You regret rejecting me, don't you?" His breath tickled my face and I tried hard to keep up any kind of composure.

"Yes." It was barely a whisper and more of a surrendering sigh.

Mr. J leaned in closer and his lips barely touched mine when he whispered: "It was only one girl, I made Carley up."

The gun fell to the ground with a thumping sound, when it hit the carpet and our lips crashed together into a wild kiss. He made some sort of growling sound and I lost myself in him completely. Nothing else mattered in that moment anymore. The entire Dr. Turner-Drama didn't matter, Sharleen's rape didn't matter, Shayne's troubles didn't matter. I was falling, fast and hard and beyond reason. I was falling deeply in love with him.

The kiss ended too quickly and while I was still trying to catch my breath I suddenly felt a burning pain in my left cheek and my head flew to the side.

He had hit me.

"Never point a weapon at me again, Harley."

Well, he was calling me Harley. It was something. I rubbed my cheek and then took a deep breath.

"So...what now?" I asked carefully, as I looked up at him. His face wasn't entirely red, but I could tell he was flustered from our kiss too.

"Now, you leave and don't come back. I'm not sure why this concept is so hard for you to grasp."

"I...what?!" I tussled my hair in frustration. "You said...you just kissed me!" And that kiss had been so clear: He was falling in love with me too!

"You rejected me!" He snapped, stepping closer in a fast motion, obviously trying to scare me, but we were so over that. Whether it was my feelings for him or the experiences of the past week I wasn't sure, but somewhere along the line I had become fearless. "You may have feelings for me Harley and I do too, but how do you think this will go on? You're sooooo..." I wasn't sure if he was looking for the right word or he was making a dramatic pause, because he used the one word he had to know would hurt me: "good." He chuckled. "You're a surgeon for crying out loud and you will always reject me and I just...I haven't got the patience to put up with someone, who's only in it for the thrill."

I shook my head hectically. "I'm not in it for the thrill. I'm in it for you! I'm all in!"

He tilted his head to the side and studied my interested. "Really, well... question: Would you die for me?"

"Yes." I said honestly, because I had nothing left to lose anyway.

An amused smile appeared on his face. "That's too easy." He looked up at the ceiling for a moment, musing before he asked: "Would you...would you live for me?"

I needed just a split second, to think about what he was proposing before I calmly said: "Yes." I wanted to live for him. I wanted to be part of his world.

"Careful." He warned lifting his index finger at me, as if I were a child in need of correction. "Do not make this oath thoughtlessly." Mr. J stepped closer and covered my mouth with his hand, so that I was wearing his tattooed grin. "Desire becomes surrender. Surrender becomes power." He took his hand away again, stroking my bottom lip. "Do you want this?"

"I do."

I was ready. I would give up everything to be with him. Tonight, I realised, as I looked into his eyes, my life as Harleen Quinzel was over.

"Say it." He demanded and when I didn't understand what he meant quickly enough he muttered: "Say it. Say it. Pretty, pretty, pretty..."

And here it was. The moment when he wouldn't be the one to beg.

"Please." I whispered.

I was ready to jump of a building for him in that moment. Heck I would gladly have thrown myself into a pool of burning chemicals. I knew what oath I had just said. I had looked into his soul in this moment and I knew him better than myself. That's why I wasn't surprised when he stepped back and coldly said:

"No."

I cried the whole way home. This was his ultimate punishment for me: He got me to admit my own feelings for him, he got me to get my hopes up and then he turned around and left me by myself. Before I got out of the car I called Quinn and told her that I had once and for all lost all my chances with the Joker.

She was very confused, because she'd thought I'd spent the evening at the police department and not at Mr. J's place. And she also very confused due to my constant sobbing and the fact that none of my hysterical blabbering seemed to make any sense at all.

After asking me four times if she should come over and making me promise not to do anything "stupid" we hung up. I stayed seated in the car for another 30 minutes, before finally going upstairs. The only reason I did so was Puddin'. My poor kitten had been through enough trauma, she needed me.

The second I was inside the apartment I was jumped by a woman, wearing one of those Scream-killer-masks.

"Get of me!"

There were five of them. They didn't speak and were all dressed in black sweatpants and black blouses. Everywhere I looked I saw the scary face.

"No!"

Two of them wrested me to the floor, as I tried my best to fight them off.

"What do you want from me?!"

There was no answer and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the smell of vanilla. One of these women was wearing a heavy load of perfume. I felt sick.

"Who are you?!"

It all went so fast. Suddenly I saw a flash and a knife came down towards me.

"No!"

"Meow?" Puddin', brave and fearless came running towards us.

"Puddin'! No!"

The most horrible sound I had ever heard went through the room as one of the women sliced the tiny kitten open and she began wailing in a high-pitched tone.

"No! Puddin'!"

But Puddin' was no more. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the bloody fury animal on the side of the room.

And then there was pain everywhere. I tried fighting them off, but there were too many of them. Three of them held me down, as the other two cut my wrists.

"Poor Dr. Quinzel ended her life, because no one in the entire world loved her!" One of them hissed. I didn't know her voice. They cut open my wrists with many tiny movements and I yelled out in pain.

Darkness surrounded me. I could only make out her silhoutte, but Sharleen came to me.

"Harley!"

"I tried." I whispered. "I really did."

"I know Sweety. It's ok. I'm here. Just let go."

"I'm sorry."

"I know." She said softly, as I closed my eyes.

Well what do you know? It was my last day as Harleen Quinzel. My life was over.

3rd Person POV

The Joker sat polishing his knives. Usually this calmed him down and made him be in a good mood. But since last night he'd been unable to lift his spirits.

"Should we go to the club?" Johnny asked.

"No. The club bores me."

In all of his years as the Jokers right-hand-man Johnny knew how to put on a poker-face. But he was surprised indeed. The club never bored his boss. In fact he couldn't remember the last time the Joker had said he'd been bored. Maybe never.

"Do you think I was too strict?" The infamous clown mused.

"I don't know, Boss." But he knew exactly who he was talking about: Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

"She looked like she was close to crying." He sighed dramatically. "Normally I like it when people cry."

Johnny contemplated his boss' words. He knew and he had known for a long time that the pretty doctor was something special. He'd watched the Jokers behaviour change since she had been pulled into his life. He'd watch him try his best to provoke the young woman and he supposed that was his way of showing love or at least a feeling in that direction.

"Would you like to call her? Or drive by her apartment?"

"No!" The clown of crime stood up from his armchair suddenly. "She will just have to be a big girl and get over me!"

It wasn't the first time that Johnny kept his opinion to himself: That it wasn't Dr. Quinzel who needed to get over him, but he the one who needed to get over her.

There was knock on the door and one of the younger men stepped inside:

"Boss. There's a lady here for you."

Smiling the clown turned around. "See, I don't need to call her – she keeps on coming back here!"

He chuckled happily and Johnny followed. A happy Joker was better than a bad-tempered one. But a certain apprehension was a part of his everyday life.

"Who are you?!" Mr. J did not sound amused and Johnny frowned.

The young woman sitting on the couch in the living room wasn't Dr. Quinzel. She was young and blonde too. But she was shaking with fear.

"Mr...Mr. Joker?" She asked in a timid voice.

"Yes." Johnny knew this tone. This girl was in serious danger. The Joker was annoyed with her and his gun was just in his reach.

"My name is Quinn. And I'm friends with Harley and..." The young woman suddenly began to sob and Johnny tensed. Crying wasn't something that usually helped in these kind of situations. If he was annoyed shutting up was usually the best take.

"And what?!"

"And she tried to kill herself last night!" Quinn cried out. "I think she did it because of you! When I found her in her apartment this morning she was barely alive and last night she was upset because of the fight you two had..."

"She tried to kill herself?" The Joker muttered and sank into the sofa next to the hysterical young woman. "Because of me?"

Johnny had been around for many moments of the Joker. Happy ones. Angry ones. Impatient ones. But shocked? Never.

Yet here the green-haired man sat, deep in shock and surprise.

"I think it would really be good for her, if you visited her." Quinn continued, sniffing. "I had no idea how messed up she was. I think...I think she needs you, Mr. Joker."

The Joker looked up at those words at his most loyal worker.

"I might have been too strict with her." He muttered. There was a moment of silence in which he thought about his next course of action, until he finally said:

"Johnny, bring the car around. We're going for a ride to the hospital."

I realise, if I say it myself it sounds arrogant, but I LOVE this chapter. Seriously it's my second favourite one. My favourite one will come next week :) Please tell me what you think :)