Chapter 2: Hygiene
"Woah, chief, you're ripe."
Ed glanced over at the tall, heavy accented 2nd Lieutenant, and frowned.
Heymans Breda had been sent to pick up the twelve year old from the station due to the weather.
"What do you mean 2nd Lieutenant?" Alphonse asked.
"Yeah, I don't think that word means what you think it means," Edward said with a scoff.
Breda raised a brow, a grin spreading across his face.
"I think it might be the other way around, big guy. It's figurative language."
Edward frowned, looking over to Alphonse in confusion. A train whistle blew and the last locomotive of the night started to pull out of the station.
"If I get you two to Hughes' past Elicia's bedtime and wake her up he might just kill me."
The two brothers gave a nod and followed Breda as he started to lead them out of the station.
"Hey, 2nd Lieutenant, what did you mean by "ripe"? Edwad asked.
Breda chuckled.
"When's the last time you showered?"
Edward was puzzled by the question and took a moment to think about it.
"Dunno," he looked over to his brother, "Al?"
Breda's brow raised again and he looked between the two boys before shaking his head.
"A couple weeks, brother. I think."
"Wow, that long, guess I didn't have time for it," Edward replied, appearing completely nonplussed about the whole situation.
Breda barked out a laugh, still shaking his head.
"You know, if you wanna get ladies, Chief, you gotta shower more than that."
"I mean, I usually do, at least once a week," Ed replied indignantly.
"More than that, and you gotta use other things too, like deodorant."
They had arrived at the car and Breda was opening the trunk. He swiped the snow off the top and unclasped it so the trunk sprang open.
Edward was staring in confusion once again at the 2nd Lieutenant.
"Isn't that for adults?" Alphonse said hesitantly.
Breda grabbed Edward's suitcase.
"Sort of, but with how much you work and get around, it would help to keep you fresh smelling for at least a little bit longer."
Edward let out a quiet 'hmm' of consideration as Breda placed the suitcase in the trunk and shut the lid. The three got into the car.
"Do I really smell that bad?" Edward asked, nose wrinkled.
Breda had started the car up and was backing up. The windshield wipers were furiously working as snow drifted down.
"Hate to break it to you, but yeah."
They pulled onto the street.
Ed was quiet.
As the minutes ticked by in silence, Breda got a little worried that he'd laid it a little too heavily on the kid. He knew when he was Ed's age he definitely hadn't been thinking about hygiene, let alone all of the other stuff the poor kid had to deal with. On top of that, the boy didn't have an older brother, or any parents to teach him any better.
"Don't worry about it, big guy, I always keep some extra stuff in my car and I can let you have a stick of deodorant. You can decide if you like or not. It's not a big deal."
Edward looked over to Breda, eyes a little wide with surprise and a small bit of excited glee.
"Really? You'd do that?"
Breda grinned back, feeling emotional at the smile on the boy's face.
"No problem at all," he replied.
"Thanks 2nd Lieutenant!" Edward chirped back.
It made Breda feel like an older brother.
"Hey, look at that, we're here."
Breda had pulled over. Out the window they could all see the familiar townhouse coated in snow, a warm light in the kitchen window.
Getting out, they retrieved the suitcase and headed over to the door. They knocked and a few seconds later a smiling Hughes with an armful of baby Elicia was opening it.
"Ed! Al! So good to see you!" Hughes said, beaming.
The four month old was peering at them with big green eyes.
"Hey Major,"
"Evening, Mr. Hughes,"
"Gracia's resting right now, but you all can come in, warm up a little, I can put some tea on."
Hughes stepped back to allow space for them to enter. Ed and Al shook off the snow that had accumulated on them and crossed the threshold. Breda stayed back.
"I gotta get back to the barracks Major, but I appreciate the offer."
"I understand, thanks 2nd Lieutenant."
Breda waved and the door shut.
Inside the Hughes' household it was warm and Edward, who had been freezing from the weather and the cold creeping up his automail, felt some slight relief.
"Let me go put this little munchkin down and see if she'll sleep, and then I'll be right back out to help you to get settled."
And like that Hughes was gone.
Edward glanced around, before taking his boots off and stripping off his red coat. Alfonse meanwhile was in the kitchen trying to empty all the water that had gathered in him into the kitchen sink.
Hughes reappeared, Elicia gone.
"You eaten yet Ed?" Hughes asked in a hushed voice.
Edward glanced at the kitchen where Alphonse was cleaning himself up. There was a trail of water.
"I'm not hungry," Edward replied quietly.
Hughes moved into the front room and squatted down in front of Edward who was seated on the couch.
"I asked if you'd eaten, kiddo."
Edward was still looking at the kitchen, guilt scrawled on his face.
"Al would want you to eat," Hughes said.
Edward gave a tiny nod.
"I guess I could have something."
Hughes grinned.
"Great, I'll get you something real quick, meanwhile, you take a shower, okay."
Edward gave a nod of his head and opened up his suitcase. It was chock full of books and papers, and unfortunately, no clothing. Edward cringed as he remembered that he'd forgotten to pack his few bits of clothing. He had nothing to change into, and he definitely needed to wash his current clothing.
"You ready?"
Hughes was back. Edward flushed with embarrassment and looked down into his suitcase. Hughes' eyes followed.
"Where are your clothes?"
Edward shrugged.
"I think I forgot them."
"At least tell me you have a toothbrush and dental floss?"
Edward blinked before grabbing a mangled hairbrush and holding it up. Hughes just looked absolutely flabbergasted.
"Just-give me a second."
Hughes got up and left. He returned with some old clothing and a spare toothbrush and dental floss. Edward took the items with a grateful nod and headed into the bathroom. Hughes watched him go and shook his head. That kid needed to take better care of himself, and he knew just how to do it.
Edward's apparent ignorance about hygiene was spread through the office by a certain Major and there was a general agreement to set the boy straight. Each person was given a task, for the sake of the "working environment" they all claimed.
Fuery cornered Ed and delivered a lecture on foot care and how it was important for Ed's general health. Falman procured a very detailed presentation on how to do one's laundry and then forced the twelve year old to join him.
Hawkeye merely shoved shampoo and conditioner at the boy along with a memo on how to take care of long hair and about the dangers of sensitive skin.
After being cornered by Havoc who had some great tips on how to wear his hair, which honestly didn't have anything to do with hygiene, Edward escaped into Mustang's office.
The man was serenely sitting at his desk, eyes boredly looking over a report he was most likely supposed to sign. He looked up and eyed Edward with his usual bored indifference.
"Fullmetal, I don't believe a report is due."
Edward glared at his superior officer. He'd come in here in search of a safe haven.
"I'm hiding from those heathens!" Ed whisper-shouted.
Mustang smirked.
"They've gone mad! I know how to take care of myself!" Edward proclaimed.
"I highly doubt that pipsqueak," Mustang replied.
Edward turned bright red and started yelling about being small. Mustang's smirk grew. For being so bright, Edward was sometimes painfully dull.
"You might not recognize it, but they're doing it because they care about you."
Edward froze, anger replaced with vulnerable confusion. Mustang shook his head. This kid would be the death of him.
"You can hide in here Fullmetal," Mustang offered.
Edward sagged in relief.
"In exchange for you showing up on time for your next report, and make it legible."
Edward's mouth dropped open in outrage, "Why you!-"
"Do you want protection or not?" Mustang asked, cutting off Edward's new rant.
Edward sullenly shut his mouth and gave a nod of his head. He settled on the couch with a book and set to reading. Mustang eyed him before returning to his own work. It would take the entire office to ensure this kid learned anything, Mustang thought to himself. Then an idea occurred to him as he watched the child fall asleep.
When Edward woke up a tiny bottle was on the couch next to him. Mustang was gone, but it had a small note next to it which claimed that the stuff was cologne and meant only for special occasions. Mustang's sarcastic tone bled through into his writing, but it gave clear instructions on how to use it and that if Edward had an issue understanding, he could just ask Mustang.
Edward smiled at the gift and pocketed it, feeling strangely safe.