I feel my life's been so tongue tied
I'm trapped outside inside my mind
If you feel like that you're tongue tied
Then we're tongue tied together

Lena swirled the scotch around the glass she was holding, passively imagining the sound it would have made had added ice. But she took her scotch room temperature. She didn't want to take the of the edge off. She liked the burn.

The crisis had changed things, and as much as she remembered, she wanted to forget. Part of her rejected the reality she was living now, and the one before, longing for something far off and unattainable. Something she'd never reach. A place where she wasn't a powerful CEO of multiple companies. Somewhere she could help people under the radar. Somewhere no one knew her name.

Lena remembered it all. Remembered every breath she'd taken, every word she'd screamed, every ache she'd felt. Killing her brother, being betrayed by Kara. All of it. And the pain still burned like the alcohol sliding down her throat, which was better than the emotional turmoil that had shattered her into pieces she no longer recognized. Now, there was a pull to darkness. A pull to Lex. And she hated that too, but she felt it so deeply it couldn't be ignored.

Then, Lena dropped her glass abruptly, which was only few inches above the desk, at the startle from the loud thud coming from the balcony nearby. The next sound she heard was the picture frame that way laying on the desk shattering into pieces beneath the heavy glass.

She almost cursed from the surprise as she turned around and saw Supergirl standing tall on her balcony.

Eyes narrowing – this was the last face in the world she wanted to look at right now – Lena watched as Supergirl let herself into the room, hesitantly stepping through the doorway with her metaphorical tail between her legs. Then, all of the sudden, Lena hated herself. Because there she was – eyes watering – staring helplessly at the woman who had shattered her to her core and betrayed the last ounce of trust she had in humanity. The last ounce of trust she had in herself.

Timidly, Supergirl told Lena, "I've been looking for you."

Gritting her teeth to keep herself from crying at the sight of her most recent heartbreak, Lena answered, "Here I am."

Supergirl – Kara Danvers, Lena now knew – bit her lip and hesitated before squeaking out, "So, uh, there's something I have to tell you… I know you think Lex is a good man, that he's your partner—"

"Save it," Lena cut in. "I already know."

Looking surprised, the hero asked, "What exactly do you know?"

In a slow drawl that exuded confidence she wasn't feeling, the brunette explained, "The crisis. What Lex did… What you did."

Kara visibly flinched. She knew.

"I hurt you, I know I hurt you, but I'm never, ever going to do it again," the blonde sputtered out. "And I know how much good you want to do in the world." Then, a long pause settled between them, allowing Lena's anger to grow into something grotesque. Pressing on through this, Kara implored her, "Just think about what we could do together to help people."

"Funny," Lena scoffed, her features without expression. "Lex gave me the same pitch."

Face draining of color, Kara let out a held breath and said, "He asked you to help him." When Lena remained stoic, Kara asked with desperation, "You're not seriously considering, are you?" Again, silence from Lena spurred Kara on as she pleaded with her, "Please, just be careful."

It was then that Kara noticed the broken frame on Lena's desk. When her eyes took in the photograph the frame contained, she felt her heart sputter to a stop.

"Is that…" she started, staring at the picture.

"You may leave now, Supergirl," Lena announced slowly, tempted to follow Kara's gaze but knowing full well what she had seen and refusing to acknowledge it.

"I love that picture," Kara sighed sadly, making her way, heavy hearted, back towards the balcony.

Lena's eyes finally dropped to the shattered frame, in which she and Kara were standing close together looking as though the entire world was theirs for the taking. Feeling her heart lurch, Lena's eyes snapped up, catching a short glimpse of Supergirl's cape as she disappeared onto the balcony.

"Kara, wait!" Lena called out, choking back tears.

She hadn't meant to break the picture. She probably should have, given her intense anger, but it hadn't been her intention, and it made her feel a strange loss of control that she hated. If she was going to destroy something, it was going to be on her own terms.

Kara turned on her heels immediately, far too eager, and found herself looking at Lena as the woman's eyes welled once again.

"Yes?" Kara asked sheepishly, barely daring to hold Lena's gaze.

"I didn't mean to break it," Lena told her. "You startled me, and I dropped the glass."

Raising an eyebrow, Kara looked Lena over and noticed that her cheeks were starting to turn red. She had a hard time believing that Lena was actually telling her this, so Kara became suddenly concerned that she had had too much to drink.

"Lena?" she asked, when the woman steadied herself on the desk.

"What?"

"Are you okay? You look a little—"

"I'm not drunk," Lena chastised her, knowing where this line of questioning was going before it was finished. "Besides, it's none of your business if I am."

The gentleness in Lena's voice was gone, and it had been replaced with the bitterness that Kara had come to know so well as of recently.

"Okay. You're right," Kara said softly. "I just… I just care is all. If you need—"

"I don't need anything from you, Supergirl," Lena hissed, scowling in Kara's direction with fervor.

"But you needed me to know you didn't break the photo on purpose?" the hero challenged carefully.

Parting her lips to speak but finding no sound coming out, Lena's gaze shifted to other areas of the room, away from Supergirl.

"Hey, um…" Kara said, clearing her throat and trying to sound casual. "It's okay if you did break it on purpose. I understand."

"Understand?" Lena snapped, her attention immediately returning to the superhero as Kara rekindled the raging fire in her heart. "You think you understand?"

"Well, I… I just meant—"

"You understand nothing."

"Lena, I—"

"Save it!" Lena shouted, grabbing he glass of scotch and throwing it full-force across the room. "You don't fucking understand. You don't understand anything. You have no idea what you've done!"

"Lena, I do! I do know what I've done, and I'm so, so sorry. Please, Lena, just—"

"Shut up!"

Lena had hit her breaking point and lost control. The whirlwind of emotions that had her spinning were the pilots, and she was a passenger, strapped in for the ride. That being the case, Lena found her body surging forward as she shoved Kara, sending her stumbling back from the surprise of the sudden blow.

"Easy, Lena," Kara said gently, putting her hands up in a gesture of submission. "I'll leave. I'm sorry."

"No!" Lena screamed, shoving Kara again. "You can't just come in here and walk right back out, like everyone else in my life!"

"Okay. Okay. Lena, breathe for me…" Kara urged her, keeping her hands raised.

But Lena was having none of Kara's recommendations. In fact, she was so far past her breaking point that she started to sob, tears streaking her cheeks as her fists rained blows down on Kara's shoulders.

Of course, the hero didn't flinch. Stronger than steel, she felt nothing physically. Emotionally, the sight of Lena pounding her fists into her was crushing.

They'd once been so incredibly gentle with each other that Kara never could have even imagined Lena raising her voice. Now… Lena was having a meltdown, and Kara was on the receiving end of each and every blow.

"I hate you," Lena sobbed, putting all her weight into every punch, until she very nearly tripped over a nearby table, and Supergirl caught her with ease, wrapping an arm instinctively around her waist to steady her.

Lena rebelled against this immediately, pounding her fists against Kara's unfazed body as hard as she could until Kara brought her hands up and took her wrists in a gentle but firm grip.

"You're going to hurt yourself," Kara explained sadly, looking at Lena was deep concern in her eyes. "Please, be careful."

"That's all you have to fucking say to me?!" Lena screamed, rage pouring down her cheeks. "Let me go!"

Reluctantly – not wanting Lena to get out of control and end up falling or hurting herself somehow – Kara let go as requested and put her hands back in the air, allowing Lena to continue her assault. By that time, Kara couldn't hold back her tears either, but she made sure to stay quiet, so as not to make the moment about her. She knew Lena had to get this out. She wasn't a violent person. She really wasn't. But if Lena was this broken – broken enough to try to hurt her – she needed the cathartic release, and Kara was going to let her have it. After all, it wasn't like it would even leave a bruise.

Continuing to scream, her words becoming a jumbled, unintelligible mess, Lena kept pushing her backwards until Kara's back was pressed against the wall.

Then, in a sudden burst of clarity, Lena seemed to notice that her hands were in the air and that they were bunched into fists. Stumbling backwards, struck by this new reality of her own capability for violence, she stared at Kara, mouth hanging open in disbelief.

"It's okay," Kara said hurriedly, seeing that Lena appeared to be back into her mind and in the present. "You can hit me. I deserve it."

Lena wanted to speak. Wanted to explain what had just happened. But if she couldn't explain her own loss of control to herself, how could she explain it to Kara? She couldn't. So she stood there, mouth agape, wondering what the hell to do next, but knowing she couldn't hit Kara again.

"I…" Lena finally choked out but found herself crumbling to her knees on the floor as the sobs returned and shook her body.

She wanted to apologize. She was angry, yes, but Kara didn't deserve to be beaten. It was a horrible thing for her to do, despite the fact that she knew Kara was unfazed.

"Lena," Kara said gently, when Lena's sobs grew louder and more uncontrollable. "You still here?"

When Lena said nothing, sitting down on her backside and bringing her knees to her chest, Kara knelt down in front of her, but gave her plenty of space to breathe as she realized that the woman was likely in a very different place.

"It's okay. It's really okay. I und—" she started, but quickly caught herself and decided to correct her mistake. "It's okay. I'm alright. You're alright. You're okay. Just take some deep breaths, alright?"

Kara's heart was aching at the sight of her best friend so dysregulated and miserable. She'd seen thousands of people die and worlds explode, but this was the saddest thing she'd seen to date, and it was the hardest to bear.

"N-Not okay," Lena finally managed to choke out, beginning to rock back and forth.

Eyes going wide at this confession and gesture of vulnerability, Kara inched closer.

"Can I touch you?" she asked, holding her hand out, palm up, in the most non-threatening way possible. "Please."

Lena quickly shook her head and pushed Kara's hand away.

"Okay," Kara conceded. "I'll just sit here until you're alright, and then I'll go, and then you never have to speak to me again. Okay? Will that help?"

Lena thought about nodding. She wanted to make Kara hurt the way she'd been hurt. But it wouldn't have been true. Watching Kara leave her again wasn't going to help. All she wanted… All she needed… was Kara's hands on her again. Longing to feel the embrace of Kara's arms, Lena found herself unable to speak or respond in any way. She couldn't admit what she wanted. And she didn't want to lie. So she sat in limbo, waiting.

"Lena," Kara whispered. "Tell me what to do. I'll do anything to help you feel better. Even if it means leaving this world and never coming back."

Lena lifted her head, shocked, and asked, "You'd leave this planet?"

"I'd go anywhere you asked me to go, Lena," Kara sighed. "I'd go burn in hell if you told me to."

Biting her lip, Lena watched a few tears slip down Kara's cheeks and realized, for the first time, that Kara's tears were not crocodile tears at all.

"I don't need you to save me," Lena abruptly spat. "I don't want to be saved."

"I—" Kara started, wanting to protest, wanting to tell her that she'd always be there to save her, but was quickly interrupted by Lena's words of fury.

"Just leave. I don't need you. I don't need anyone."

Kara's mouth went dry as her lips parted, and she stared at Lena. She knew this had been coming. What else did she expect? A warm welcome home? No. Not from Lena. This wasn't going to go away.

"Go," Lena pressed, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands.

"Are you going to be okay?" Kara asked, not caring if this meant stalling for an extra moment or two.

Lena shrugged and laughed bitterly, then repeated, "Go, hero."

"Do you want me to call anyone?"

Again, Lena laughed, retorting, "Like who? I have no friends now. You ruined that."

"Lena—"

"GO!"

Swallowing hard, Kara rose to her feet, brushed off her front, and slowly walked to the balcony. This time, Lena didn't stop her.

When Kara was gone, Lena found herself laying on her side on the floor in the fetal position, once again sobbing.

How could I hit her? she wondered, the thought tormenting her. That's not me. That's not who I am. Her next thought was more distressing: Do I really hate her?

Lena had no answers. Couldn't explain how she'd lost control that badly. Couldn't explain where the violence came from, besides her obvious rage. Couldn't explain why she'd said what she'd said. Couldn't explain why she couldn't just tell Kara what she was feeling, without screaming at her. The fury ran too deep. That was her only explanation.

So, slowly, Lena fell into a deep, fitful sleep, full of night terrors and darkness.

Author's note: Story inspired by the song "Tongue Tied" by Marshmello, YUNGBLUD, & blackbear. Hope you all enjoyed reading the first chapter. Second and last chapter to be posted next week! Stay tuned if you enjoyed.