I've been sufferin'

Been making friends with all my sins
I need saving, I need saving

You won't save me ever again

I'm feeling counterfeit

Been rolling silence 'round my lips
I need saving, I need saving

You won't save me ever again

After finally waking a few hours later, Lena spent the rest of the day locked in her office, watching the sunset as it brought the prospect of more unending pain that would continue through the night, into the next day, and beyond.

But the silence was both peaceful and tormenting. On the one hand, no one was there to see her cry. On the other, she was left alone in a cage with her thoughts, battling everything she was feeling. Around one in the morning – Lena found herself unable to sleep more after being out completely on the floor for so long – Lena stepped out on the balcony and looked out at the city.

Without much thought, her eyes drifted downwards to the street below.

I could jump, she thought simply. I could make this stop.

But Lena knew she'd never hurt herself or take her life. It seemed poetic in the moment though, and she did long for relief.

Then, she began to wonder: if she did jump, if she did try to kill herself… would Supergirl catch her?

It was then that she realized what she wanted more than anything else in the world was to be saved by Kara. Just one more time. One more moment in Kara's arms, being lifted through the air back to safety.

But Kara wouldn't stalk her, so she knew it was a long shot that Kara would even know she jumped. She'd end up on the pavement, and everything would go dark. No Kara, no Supergirl, no L-Corp, no Lex, no Lillian. No heartbreak. Just… darkness.

Lena bit her lip and continued to gaze over the side of the balcony. It was starting to look progressively more appealing.

Either way, she'd get what she wanted.

Then again, she refused to give Kara the satisfaction of saving her ever again. As deeply as she longed for that protective touch, longed for that trust back, she knew she'd rather fall to her death than allow Kara to make her weak again.

She'd already let that happen once. It wasn't going to happen again.

I don't want to be saved, she remembered saying. But she hated that it was only half true. Torn between needing Kara and not wanting to, Lena sat down on the floor of the balcony and looked up at the stars. It was beautiful, and it was a nice break from everything else she was feeling, so she lost herself in the solar system and waited for sleep to take her as she leaned against the railing.

But sleep never came. Only the sudden sound of gunshots and explosions, which sobered her a great deal and made her jump to her feet. Looking over the balcony, she realized that L-Corp was surrounded – but what, she wasn't sure – so she moved toward the door to the office. Before she could open it herself, the door came flying off the hinges, nearly smashing into her before she jumped back quickly, her instinctive reflexes kicking in.

She had nowhere to run, but she bolted for the balcony anyway. Bad idea, she realized, upon being advanced on by two strong-looking men and shoved backwards, tumbling over the side and into the air.

Then, she heard it. Her name. Her name, from the only lips she wanted to ignore.

"Lena!"

And in an instant, Supergirl's arms were around her, catching her and lifting her up bridal style.

"You're okay," Kara assured her, gripping her body close to her chest to keep her safe as she flew them away from the explosions. "I've got you."

Part of Lena wanted to struggle free, wanted to make Kara drop her. Just fucking let me go, she was thinking.

But the other part of her had sunk and melted like butter in Kara's strong arms, leaned back against her body and supported by caring hands.

When they were finally on the ground, about two miles away, Kara set her down carefully and immediately backed away. Lena was dizzy, but not from the flight. Form the feeling of Kara's arms holding her, protecting her… keeping her safe. Something she was sure she'd never, ever experience again. Something that shook her so deeply that she became delirious and confused. The phantom pressure of Kara's touch made her lose reality, and suddenly, she was on her knees.

After a few moments and Kara repeating her name with concern, Lena finally grounded herself back to reality and asked, without looking Kara in the eyes, "What's going on?"

"It's a long story, but… Lex—"

"No," Lena snapped. "Don't fucking tell me—"

"I'm sorry, Lena. He ordered—"

"Don't say anything else," Lena warned, refusing to believe what Kara was trying to say. "Not another word."

But Kara knew it was true that Lex had betrayed his sister and wanted to destroy any power she had left.

Still, she respected Lena too much to press the issue and instead told her, "We have to go. You've got to lay low for a while, or he will find you. We can't stay here."

"I'm not scared of him," the brunette asserted.

And it was true. She wasn't scared of him. But she was immensely heartbroken, and that reality was one she refused to acknowledge. There must have been some mistake. Lex would never try to hurt her. She rejected this knowledge as erroneous and vowed to block out anything else Kara said to her about her brother.

"We need to go, now," Kara repeated. "You can't stay here, or he'll—"

"Fuck you, Kara," Lena finally spat. "Fuck you and your high horse, self-righteous bullshit. Fuck you and your God complex. Fuck you and everything you stand for. Fuck you and your lies and—"

"Okay," Kara cut in. "That's fine. But let me get you somewhere safe. I know you… you—" Kara cleared her throat "—h-hate me… but…"

Kara couldn't finish. The word 'hate' – her very worst fear – had escaped her lips. Lena hated her. She'd feared it the whole time, but today, it became a reality when Lena said it directly to her face, while attempting to beat her anger into Kara like a rockslide.

"I'm sorry," Kara blurted, those words being the only way she knew how to finish her speech. "Please, just let me bring you somewhere safe."

"I'll walk, thank you," Lena croaked out, rising to her feet on shaky legs.

"Lena, that's… that's insane."

"I'm insane?" the woman balked. "You're the one wearing a stupid fucking costume."

Kara's mouth hung open, gaping at Lena. 'I hate you' was one thing. A personal attack on her occupation was another. Lena thought her suit was stupid?

"Okay, Lena," Kara sighed. "Okay. Just, please… Don't do this."

"I'll do as I please, and you and your fucked up need to be a martyr can go fuck yourself." Then, after a pause, Lena added, "And you know what, Kara? You can go to Hell, for all I care. Fucking go. I won't miss you."

Lena knew this was a lie. Knew she was bluffing. But the anger was so prominent that she couldn't stop the words from coming out as the impulse to be rageful struck her.

Kara visibly stumbled back, broken further by these words.

"I… Alright. Just… Please, just be careful," Kara choked out, stifling tears she knew would turn into audible sobs. "Take care of yourself and get to safety. And… just… just for the record… just so you know… I won't come back. I'll respect your wishes. I'll do as you ask, because… because I would do anything for you. I wish you'd at least let me—"

"Fat chance, Supergirl," the brunette quipped, hating the sweetness of Kara's words. "Just go."

Lena couldn't believe her own words. Couldn't believe how incredibly cruel she was being. But it just wouldn't stop, so she resigned herself to being a horrible person and simply watched, tears involuntarily welling in her eyes, as Kara turned, cape fluttering behind her, and took off into the sky.

Anything, Lena thought, reflecting on the hero's words. Anything.

~!~!~

Kara was gone for 37 days before Lena hit rock bottom.

Her brother had tried to have her assassinated. Her mother had tried to convince her to forgive him after he was put back in prison. She'd lost everything. Everyone. No one had heard from Kara since the day of the attack, and Lena had started to wonder if she'd actually left the planet. Even Alex, Kara's sister, hadn't heard from her. Which could only mean… she'd taken Lena's words as law.

Now, Lena was hiding out in a rural location in Montana, where no one knew her, and she knew no one else. She was essentially put under witness protection after the incident with Lex, despite her protests of not being afraid of him. In the end, she knew it was a good idea, and besides… she finally got to get away. There was no more Luthor name. No more L-Corp. No more DEO. No more Lex. Just… her, in solitude.

But the silence became deafening, so one night, after 37 days without Supergirl, Lena knew.

She had to call.

The night terrors had gotten so bad that each and every night, she fought sleep until it won and overtook her. Then, she suffered. The nights were long, and she often woke up crying and exhausted from facing her demons in the dream world. Facing what Kara had done to her, and what she had done to Kara in return. But on this particular night, something was different. This night, she couldn't stop crying, even after waking up and turning on the light to shine out the monsters in her dreams.

Lena couldn't take it, the way her chest heaved and refused to draw breath. Couldn't stand the loneliness. Couldn't stand the fact that she'd tried to hurt Kara. Couldn't stand the fact that now, because of her, Kara was gone, leaving behind her sister and parents.

So she smashed the button on her watch, which she'd left – just in case – in the nightstand drawer beside her bed, hoping to whatever gods existed that the watch's connection to Supergirl would still be functional. Lungs nearly collapsing from the effort of just barely breathing, Lena waited, gripping the comforter of her bed tightly in her fists as she cried into her pillow. After a minute or so, her grip on the comforter loosened, and her arms subconsciously wrapped around the pillow, holding it tightly against her chest.

A few moments after that, Lena was startled into sitting up by the crashing sound of the front door of the cabin being kicked off the hinges and collapsing to the floor.

At first, Lena was sure that this would be Lex's henchmen, but when she saw the blue and red suit, she felt her heart clench.

"Kara," she breathed, seeing Supergirl standing before her looking almost as panicked as Lena had moments ago.

"What happened?" Kara asked anxious, not really addressing Lena, as she assumed she was there on business. "Are you alright?"

After all, Lena hated her. Of course she was there to do a job. Of course this had nothing to do with her relationship with Lena, or Lena needing her too.

But Lena shook her head, clenching the pillow tightly to her chest as she sat up in bed.

Quickly realizing that Lena was, in fact, not okay, but that she was in no imminent danger, Kara approached the bed with caution.

"L-Lena," Kara said softly, choking out the woman's name, as it was the first time she'd said the word in 37 days. "What's going on?"

"I can't do it," Lena sobbed, rubbing her eyes and letting the pillow fall onto her lap. "I can't live with what I did to you."

"What you did to me?" Kara asked, taking another brave step towards the bed.

"I hurt you!" Lena nearly shouted, not intending her voice to be so loud but unable to restrain it. "I tried to—"

"You didn't hurt me, Lena," Kara assured her. "I'm fine."

But Kara wasn't fine. Kara was torn to pieces inside, just looking at Lena. Just feeling the longing to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her everything would be okay.

"I s-should never have p-put my h-hands on you," Lena stuttered. "I'm… Kara… Kara, I'm s-so s-sorry."

"Oh, Lena…" Kara sighed. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It would be worth a thousand beatings and an injection of Kryptonite just to hear your voice again."

Not believing what she'd just let slip, Kara took an unsteady step backwards, fearing Lena's wrath.

But the wrath never came. Lena just stared at her sadly, making her wonder what was going through the woman's mind in that moment. How could I say that? Kara wondered. I'm such an idiot.

But it was out now, and like toothpaste from the tube, she couldn't put it back in.

"I… I…" Lena tried to speak, her head spinning from what Kara had just told her, but could only cry.

Part of her hated that Kara was being so sweet, so tender, so sincere. The other part was feeling the most intense wave of relief she'd ever experienced. She wasn't angry anymore. She was sad. She was depressed. She was desperate. But she wasn't angry.

"Shh," Kara whispered, kneeling in front of the bed, but not close enough to startle the brunette. "It's okay. It's really okay." Then, when Lena just continued to cry without speaking, Kara asked gently, "Why did you call me back?"

Lena hesitated, thinking as she wiped her eyes again.

"I need you," she finally confessed, after a long silence.

"Yes, but w—" Kara tried, not understanding where Lena was going with this.

"No. Kara. I just… need you. You."

Kara blinked, staring at her former best friend in disbelief.

"I needed to apologize. I can't sleep at night. I can't dream without crying. I can't… I can't… I…"

"Lena, it's okay," Kara promised her, her gaze softening. "Take a deep breath."

"I didn't want you to leave," Lena sniffled, still barely breathing as she gripped the pillow tightly against her chest again. "I lied, Kara. I lied to you. I told you to leave, but I…"

"I'm here now," the hero told her. "And I'm not leaving until you tell me to."

"But I hurt you," Lena cried, clawing at the comforter beneath her.

The demonstration of intense anxiety was enough to make Kara uneasy, had it been anyone else. For Lena, though, she could remain calm and unfazed by anything and everything. Nerves of steel were always present for her.

"Lena," Kara hushed her, shaking her head. "I'm fine."

"But I hurt you!"

"You didn't hurt me. Look at me, Lena," the blonde urged her. "Look at me." When Lena finally braved looking up, Kara asked, "Do I look hurt?"

"Yes," Lena moaned, covering her face with her hands.

Kara had to admit that this was a shit course of action, considering that although she was not physically harmed, she probably looked like a kicked puppy.

"Lena, listen," Kara sighed. "The only thing that hurts me is being away from you, okay? That is my Kryptonite. Please, trust me." When she heard the words 'trust me' slip past her own lips, Kara flinched, muttering, "Sorry."

She knew Lena wouldn't trust her. How could she? Kara had lied about her identity. And lied about it for a long time. She knew Lena was crushed, and she had every right to be angry. Kara would never dispute that fact, and she'd defend Lena's actions against her to anyone in the world.

Then, suddenly, after a long pause, Lena asked shyly, "Is that true?"

Kara blinked, surprised, and opened her mouth to speak. How could she possibly explain further? She'd said the very core of what she'd been thinking. The rawness of her emotions was out there now. But, if she was being honest, she knew there was, in fact, more to say.

But they weren't there yet.

So, Kara just said, "It's very true."

"But then…" Lena started. "Then I did hurt you."

Kara bit her lip. Yep, she thought. Walked right into that one.

"I was hurting," Kara tried diplomatically. "But I… I deserved it. I deserved everything you said to me. You were right, about all of it."

"But I lied," Lena whined, once again covering her face in shame.

"Lena—"

Abruptly, the brunette cut in and blurted, "I don't hate you." After a pause, she added, "I thought I did, but I don't. It's something else."

Kara didn't really want to know what the 'something else' was. She knew what it was for her, but it must have been something very different for Lena. She wasn't sure what could be worse than 'hate,' but she didn't want to find out.

But Lena had a right to say her piece, so Kara asked her anyway, "What is it, then?"

Again, Lena started to cry, this time moving her hands to hold the pillow against her face as she cried into it. Kara could see her back rising and falling with each labored sob, and it crushed her.

"Lena," Kara cooed. "Lena, please take a breath for me. It's gonna be okay."

But Lena couldn't stop crying, and her sobs were becoming more intense, so finally, Kara, upon receiving no signs of a response from her friend, touched the woman's shoulder with her fingertips.

"Lena?"

As soon as Kara's fingertips touched Lena's bare shoulder – she'd been wearing a loose, red and white sun dress with no sleeves – Lena jumped.

"Sorry!" Kara cried, stepping back and looking horrified that she'd started the Luthor.

Staring at Kara, Lena left her mouth hanging slightly open as her tears quieted but continued to streak down her cheeks.

"You touched me," she finally breathed, after a long while of watching Kara's reaction.

"I'm sorry," the hero answered quickly. "I was just trying to—"

"I never thought I'd feel you touching me again."

Kara stared back at her in disbelief. Was that… a good or a bad thing? Kara wasn't sure, so she asked, "Should…. Should I go? If you want me to leave—"

"No!" Lena cried, throwing the pillow down on the bed. "Please. Please, Kara, don't leave."

The desperation in her voice broke Kara down to the point of returning to her knees beside the bed.

"I'm here," the blonde assured Lena. "I won't leave unless you tell me to. I promise. I just wanted to make sure."

Lena bit her lip, suddenly thinking of all the night terrors that had locked her in a deep, fitful sleep. In some, Kara had died, and those were the nightmares coming back to her in that moment. Never seeing Kara again. Never touching her again. Never hearing her voice again.

"Kara…." Lena started, voice trembling. "I'm scared."

Raising an eyebrow slightly, Kara looked into Lena's eyes and asked, "What are you scared of?"

"Losing you," Lena confessed. "I have these terrible night terrors, and… I know it's stupid and that I'm probably just fucked up for thinking about this stuff, but I…"

"Hey," Kara cut in, keeping Lena's gaze. "Night terrors aren't stupid, okay? They happen. I used to get them when I was growing up."

Eyes going wide, Lena asked, "Really?"

Kara nodded and offered a weak smile.

"They went on for a long, long time, but eventually, they passed."

"How long…?" Lena asked cautiously.

Kara shrugged, dropping her gaze shyly, and mumbled, "Until I met you."

"What?" Lena gaped, not understanding.

"I met you, and they stopped," the blonde told her simply, still not meeting Lena's gaze.

"Hey… Look at me?" Lifting her chin just slightly to meet Lena's eyes, Kara blushed, and Lena continued, "I don't get the connection, but I'm really glad they stopped. As for me, I've hardly slept in 37 days. Maybe two or three hours a night. Hence the bags under my eyes, I guess."

Lena was talking now. Really talking. And it put Kara at ease to know that she was mostly post-meltdown. But the way Lena's bright green eyes bore into her, looking through her very soul, made Kara anxious.

"Are you okay?" Lena asked, noticing Kara's sudden change in demeanor.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah. I'm fine," Kara blurted, shifting awkwardly as she continued to kneel beside Lena's bed.

"Come up here," Lena offered, voice softer and gentler than it had been in a long time.

Staring blankly, Kara asked, "What?"

"Come up here."

When Kara tried to stand and obey her friend's request, it suddenly felt like her legs of steel were made of Jell-O, and she could hardly will herself to rise. Eventually, she fumbled to her feet and awkwardly shifted her weight from one foot to the other, until Lena bravely reached for her hand and tugged it lightly.

"Sit," she ordered.

Kara obeyed, sitting down on the very edge of the bed, making sure not to touch Lena. But there was fire where Lena had gripped her hand.

"Kara?" Lena asked, looking concerned, as Kara seemed to have floated somewhere far and distant in her mind. When her attention returned, Lena told her, "I'm scared to sleep."

"Oh," the hero said, almost in a whisper. "Well… Just… Just try to lie back and shut your eyes, okay? I'll watch over you while you rest? That way, if you have a night terror, I can wake you up."

Lena hesitated, biting her lip, before squirming under the covers – she'd been laying on top – and resting her head on the pillow.

"Shut your eyes," Kara urged her, a smile tugging at her lips as Lena stared at her. "You're not gonna get much sleep with your eyes open, silly."

"I'm still scared," Lena confessed. "I don't want to dream about—"

"I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you, Lena. I promised I'd always protect you, and I always will."

Feeling her cheeks grow warm, Lena nodded weakly and forced herself to close her eyes. It didn't take long for her to actually fall asleep – she was, of course, exhausted – but it also didn't take long for the night terror to strike her.

As soon as Kara noticed Lena starting to squirm in her sleep, she gently shook Lena's shoulders, saying her name a few times until Lena opened her eyes, looking terrified and breathing heavily.

"I got you," Kara whispered, giving Lena's shoulders a squeeze.

But despite the short length of the night terror – which was unusual – Lena was distraught and began to cry.

"Hey. Hey, it's okay," Kara hushed her, daring to reach out and put a hand on Lena's shoulder. "I got you. It's over. I'm right here."

But to her surprise, Lena's reaction was not to calm or settle or relax at all. Instead, Lena grabbed her wrist, a little harder than she'd intended, and pulled, making Kara lean over her body on the bed.

Blushing, Kara started to stammer, "I, um… Lena…"

But all protests melted away when the Luthor's arms wrapped around her, sliding behind her back and pulling her down. Kara hated that she felt relief in that moment. Lena was suffering. Lena wasn't well. But there she was, holding Kara like everything else had faded away – their fight, their broken trust, their heartbreak – and only this moment mattered.

"Take the cape off, would you?" Lena mumbled, the sound muffled by the fact that her face was pressed against Kara's shoulder.

Without hesitation, Kara reached up and unclasped the cape, allowing it to drop on the floor beside the bed.

Then, seeing that Kara had done this, Lena whispered, "Now, get up here, before the Boogeyman gets me."

Kara had to smile at this. This light-hearted, witty side of Lena that she missed so terribly. It was incredibly refreshing to hear that tone in her voice.

"Boots off," Lena ordered, when Kara tried to obey the second command she was given.

Once they were off, Kara finally managed to get up onto the bed completely, but Lena pushed the covers down and looked up at her, the sadness in her expression returning. Hesitantly, Kara slipped under the covers beside Lena and laid on her side facing her. In all the time they'd spent together, they'd never shared a bed. Then again, to Kara's knowledge, Lena had never had night terrors before.

Almost as soon as she felt Kara's warmth in the bed beside her, Lena started to fall back to sleep. Kara watched diligently for any signs of bad dreams, but they didn't show. Instead, Kara was surprised when Lena began to snore very softly and wiggled closer to her beneath the covers. Heart stopping, not knowing what to do, Kara began to lean back slightly, away from Lena, to give her more space, but that was when Lena's arm snaked around her waist and pulled her closer.

"Kara," Lena mumbled, clearly still sleeping.

Kara's face flushed. She's dreaming about me, she thought. This became more evident when Lena then pushed herself closer, until her body was completely flush against the hero's. It was probably the most adorable thing Kara had ever seen her do, and it melted her insides and turned them into cake batter. It took Kara several moments to relax – her muscles were tense beyond belief from simply not knowing what to do – but once she did, she made sure to whisper, 'It's okay,' and, 'I'm here,' to Lena at each and every minor twitch of her muscles. Just in case.

Lena slept through the night.