Hello everyone!

I originally intended to publish this on Thursday but I have apparently no restraint, because I just finished this and I cannot wait to post it, therefor here you go!
A little warning, we're in the post Blip / post Tony's death and everything, so at the beginning Peter is not the happy little Pete we usually see, so yeah, that's sad.
Hope you like it!

Everything hurts. Physically and mentally.

He took quite a few hits. The Iron Spider suit absorbed some of the pain. More than his old suit would have, at least. He's trying to focus on the tangible side of the pain he's been feeling ever since it all happened. His fractured collarbone. His bruised ribs. The contusions on his cheekbones, the swelling above his left ear that hurts every time he tries to lie down.

Anything to get away from the real pain.

It's everywhere. He's everywhere. Peter feels like he's been permanently gasping for air since that moment. Like his heart is being crushed, trampled on, torn to pieces, on and on and on. It hurts so much. He's no stranger to grief. He's lived through this before. His parents. Ben. Now Tony.

This is unfair. It hurts. So much.

He has to keep going though. Because there's May. She's still here. And there's Ned, too. They both were gone, they came back. Just like him. They're the same, they're counting on him. But he's not the same. He's never gonna be the same anymore, not after everything that happened. How could he?

They want him to talk to someone. May, Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, everyone. He's seen the words on their lips enough. Heard them when they thought he couldn't hear – but he can, he hears so much, they have no idea. He's heard these words, they should be scary, they should shake him up he thinks, but they don't.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

It makes sense. He knows they're right. He's not in denial per se, or maybe he is. It's hard to keep track of everything he's feeling these days. He hasn't picked up the suit – neither of them – since it happened. He knows that's worrying them. But he can't. He's tried. It brings too much back. The input of feelings and images comes pouring in his head, and it's too much. His eyes hurt so much, he's shaking so much, he's feeling so much.

He hates it. He knows it scares them, worries them, but he hides. He crouches on the darkest corner of ceiling he can find and he stays there for hours. He knows they're talking about him, he knows they're all dealing with their own grief as well, he knows he's only adding to their sadness by behaving like this, but it's too much. He needs time. He hopes they understand.

He's met Morgan. It was like a punch in the gut. It shook him out of his apathy for a moment, seeing this little girl who had meant so much. He talked to her. He made her smile. It felt nice. She kind of reminds him of himself. He too at her age had already been through things. He tries not to think about the other person she reminds him of.

May is the one that gives him the news, a couple of days after the funeral. It feels weird. Ten days ago the world almost ended – in some ways it did end, he thinks. Now they're calling everyone back to school. He doesn't think much about it. Only that he's gonna see Ned again. He knows that's a good step forward. Trying to go back to normal – although he knows that things will never feel quite normal again. He's been texting with Ned a lot. It's easier to write things than say them out loud. He's shielding most of what he's truly feeling though, because he doesn't want to scare his best friend.

It's weird, stepping into Midtown that day. He's still uncomfortable because of his injuries – they are taking a long time to heal, he suspects he knows the reason why and doesn't dwell much on it. It makes sense. Everything makes sense, but it's not making things easier at all.

Everyone around seems in a haze, or maybe that's just him. A hard lump is slowly forming in his throat as he wonders if it was a good idea for him to come back so soon or not. Someone closes a locker door behind him, making him flinch, and all of a sudden his senses are dilated to a hundred and he starts picking up everything around him.

His heart is going crazy in his chest, so he takes a deep breath, focusing on his steps to calm down. He knows how to deal with his enhanced senses. He knows how to damp them down. He's grown a lot, he's not the scared boy he was when he got bitten, who needed dark goggles to go out and hid in his closet for hours when he came back from school because he felt like his head was about to implode because of everything. He can do this.

Then he sees Ned. His heart drops in his chest when he meets his best friend's lost eyes. He walks to him, and feels a huge chunk of relief crashing through him like a wave. Ned is here. He knew he'd be there, he expected it, but still. They do their handshake, the one they invented ages ago when they first became best friends, and then Peter hugs him, barely holding in his tears, and Ned hugs him back. Everything around him seems to finally quiet down and he lets out a shaky sigh of relief.

He has no clear recollection of what happens exactly this morning. He follows Ned and lets him be in charge. He's too worn out to do much in any case. It's only when they sit down at their usual spot in the cafeteria that he realizes he's been unconsciously looking for someone this entire time.

He hasn't seen her. Anywhere. He doesn't let himself think about what this could mean. He shields himself away from any more painful thoughts. He focuses on his French fries diligently. Ned is quiet across from him, and he wonders what he's thinking about. But then he hears it. He has no idea when exactly he memorized the sound of her steps. Maybe it's something else entirely he's picking up, he's not sure. Maybe his Spidey sense is coming back – it's been gone since everything happened. Maybe he's been so focused on finding her without even realizing it that his body is reacting to her presence before his mind can even register her.

He can't help himself and finds it absolutely fascinating. It lights up something in his mind, something he hasn't felt at all in a long time. He feels her walk behind him, her elbow barely brushing against his shoulder, and it sends tickles down his spine. Her voice is casual and sharp, and his heart skips a beat.

"What's up, dorks?"

He can feel it, the beginning of a smile on his lips, and it feels weird and unfamiliar, like he's rusty or something. He watches as MJ takes a couple of steps, then sets her tray on the table, only leaving one free chair between her and him. She never does that. She always sits as far away as possible, barely acknowledging them, flipping them off if they try to talk to her.

She looks good. There's something in her eyes that wasn't there the last time he saw her, and it makes him wonder what she's been through these past few weeks. He's deeply relieved though. She blipped too. He feels a little selfish about this, but then it doesn't matter anymore because she smiles. She usually doesn't smile much, and it's okay, but the smile she's giving him at that very moment, there is so much in it that he thinks his heart might explode.

It starts with her lips, shy and hesitant, then it goes all the way up to her eyes, lighting them up in a way he's never seen before. He feels his smile spread on his own lips as they look at each other, and for the first time in forever, he doesn't have the impression he could burst out in tears any second. For the first time since Tony died, he can pinpoint exactly what he's feeling at this very instant – relief, comfort, and a tiny bit of shyness too. The stability and clarity of those emotions make his heart swell in his chest. He's not lost. At least not entirely, and definitely not forever.

They've been staring at each other for just a bit too long now, he suddenly realizes. He feels his cheeks redden and he looks away, and notices she does too, at the same time. He sees her smile at Ned from the corner of his eyes, then focus on her food. They stay silent, but it feels nice. Peter wonders if she's wondering why Ned and him aren't talking like they normally do. Not that this is in any way a normal day. He wonders what she's thinking about. He remembers how he'd been wanting to ask her out. It seems so long ago it doesn't even feel real anymore. Like it was another Peter's life. Which it was. He's never going to be the same Peter that wanted to ask Michelle Jones out during a museum field-trip. He's pretty sure he's made his peace with that fact, now.

Peter is a little more alert during the afternoon – to Ned's relief, even though his friend tries to hide it. He knows he's been worrying about him. May and Happy, too. He gets it. It's been ten days, and today he smiled for the first time. Seeing Ned helped considerably. Seeing MJ too. They end up talking at the end of the day, he and her. He meets her eyes when he's at his locker and attempts to smile at her, only to get her classic 'bitch please' face in response, which makes him chuckle despite himself. Funny how some things never change.

She starts walking away, and something pushes him to catch up to her and walk beside her out of the building. He's trying to find something to say but she beats him to it as they go down the stairs. "So, what are you up to this weekend?" she asks casually, and he rambles for a little while about moving into their new apartment with May. He doesn't say Pepper Potts insisted on helping them find one despite having to deal with SI, Morgan, and her own grief. He doesn't say they still have to buy pretty much everything because they lost everything after the Snap. He doesn't say May is insisting on sleeping on the couch and leaving him the only bed there is in the apartment, despite the fact that he hasn't slept for more than an hour and a half at once since everything.

They're not walking anymore, just standing at the bottom of the stairs, facing each other on the sidewalk, and Peter suddenly feels really self-conscious – and dumb – so he ends his ramble a little abruptly. "What about you?"

He watches as she unconsciously bite her lower lip, looking down at her feet a second before saying: "We had to find someplace else to live too. My dad and I."

"What about your mom?" Peter asks without thinking, and curses himself when he sees something shift in her brown eyes. She vaguely shrugs at that, avoiding his gaze so he doesn't insist. She looks up after a moment, and for some reason meeting her eyes has his heart skip a beat. They stare at each other for a couple of seconds then both look down at their feet at the same time, and Peter has no idea what is actually going on.

"Anyway, I'll see you on Monday then," she tells him quietly, and he can't help his smile.

"Right, yes, bye MJ."

"Bye Peter." His heart jolts as he turns around and walks away. It takes him back to that moment ages ago when she had called him Peter and he had thought that maybe, just maybe, she liked him a little. He likes it, hearing her say his name. This realization makes him a little sheepish, a little confused. He waits at his bus stop for five whole minutes before realizing that taking the bus here would not take him home. He needs to go the other way now. He looks back to where MJ and him were standing, but she's gone. Of course she is. He wonders if she has any idea what she's doing to him. He doesn't even really know himself what it is exactly that she's doing to him.

He tells his aunt about it when he gets home. He's grown restless on his way there, because the empty apartment doesn't feel like home at all, and because he has no idea what he's heading to. Or maybe because he does. A quiet night at home with May looking sideways at him every now and then because she's worried. Ordering take-out and pretending to be super hungry like he always was before, despite the fact that actually eating makes him want to puke. May telling him she's not that tired and that she wants to hang out with him after dinner. Watching some TV with her, texting Ned about some random stuff, trying to ignore the knot slowly forming in his belly.

When she'll eventually fall asleep, Peter knows what will be awaiting him. Tossing and turning in bed, on the ceiling, anywhere, trying to get some rest. Considering downing an entire tablet of sleeping pills even though he knows by now they have no effect on him. Finally his body will give up, and it will start.

The nightmares.

He doesn't even remember what they are when he wakes up, drenched in sweat, clenching to his sheets, heart racing in his chest and eyes burning. Sometimes he screams, and it wakes May up, and she's holding him in seconds, whispering calming things in his ear until he cries himself back to sleep – for a limited amount of time again, always. Sometimes he doesn't make a sound, and when he wakes up he can't move, can barely breathe, and he just stays there on his back, eyes wide open, insides churning, tears running down his eyes and into his ears.

"Maybe you could ask her out?" May suggests at some point, and Peter looks up from his half eaten slice of pizza with a frown. "Wasn't that like, your plan?" she continues carefully, and he avoids her gaze, feeling her eyes studying his face, "you know, before everything."

Peter shrugs uneasily, hiding the slight panic her words are stirring in him. "Yeah May I, I don't know, I don't know if I'm–" brave enough. "I don't think I'm–" good enough. "I don't know May," he sighs eventually, trying to swallow the lump in his throat and failing, "It kind of feels inappropriate or something I…"

"That's alright," she assures him with a kind smile when he doesn't end his sentence, "You don't have to do anything Pete, it's your choice." She reaches out and grabs his hand, and he just nods. Then he pretends to check his phone for a message from Ned, to hide the fact that everything about this conversation feels wrong. He doesn't even understand why. He knows May is just trying to help, but it just doesn't seem real, or possible. He feels like an outsider in his own life, and he is not even sure why.

The weekend is almost as hard as he thought it would be. He doesn't get a single minute of sleep between Friday and Sunday. The good side of it is that he's so tired by the end of Sunday he collapses in his bed at 9 and doesn't wake up until 2 am. It takes him another couple of hours to manage to calm down from his nightmare and go back to sleep. And then, for the first time in ages, he wakes up to the sound of his alarm clock.

To be honest, Peter would never have thought he'd be glad about that one day.

A half-hour later he meets Ned downstairs and they walk together to school. Everything goes well up until lunch time. A girl comes by their table and says something about a ceremony for the fallen heroes of Earth, and it sends Peter spiraling in seconds. He did not expect it. It made it hurt even more. He doesn't even consciously make the decision to stand up and walk away. He feels like he's floating, like the world is about to collapse under his feet and he can't do anything about it.

He's on autopilot and doesn't register much of what's around him, just the fact that there's no one in the restroom he makes his way into. He's lost in a haze again. He can feel Ned's presence behind him as he grips the sides of the sink, trembling. A small part of him reminds him not to squeeze too much because it would break it. He tries to focus on that thought, on his hands, on the strength he's barely repressing, on the cold of the ceramic against his palms and fingers. He can't prevent the tears from rolling down his cheeks. He knows that much, and takes advantage of it. Focuses on what they feel like on his skin, the trails of wetness they leave behind them, the familiar burning sensation behind his eyes.

Anything to avoid thinking.

"I'm here buddy," Ned tells him in a whisper, "you're not alone in this."

Peter lets out a shaky sigh and a nod. Ned is right. He slowly takes his gripping hands off the sides of the sink and turns to his best friend. It's a comforting thought, he thinks as Ned hugs him almost fiercely. He's not alone. It doesn't make the pain in his heart any less unbearable, but it still does something.

When he starts hearing people on the other side of the door saying it's almost time to get to class, he breaks off the hug and attempts to smile at Ned. He can feel his best friend's sadness and he hates it. He assures him that he's fine, thanks him, and Ned lets himself be convinced. They go their separate ways, Ned to his Chemistry class and Peter to his Physics class. He needs to stop by his locker first, so he does, looking at his shoes the entire walk there. He's very aware of his red eyes. He's not ashamed, not really, just weary at the thought of having to explain anything if he came to talk to someone.

But no one's ever payed much attention to him, and for once he is kind of thankful for it. He doesn't cross path with Flash Thompson either, which is a relief – although he hasn't talked to him since they all came back. Yet.

He finally makes it to his locker, and he feels absolutely drained. Keeping his thoughts and emotions at bay is exhausting. Peter lets out a shaky sigh, pressing his forehead to the cold metal of his locker. It helps. A little.

At first he doesn't move when he hears her. He sees her at the edge of his gaze leaning her shoulder on the lockers, hands in the pocket of her black sweatshirt. He can feel her eyes studying him. She's not too close, nor too far. He knows instantly what she's doing. She is quiet, leaving him the choice to either ignore her or engage conversation with her. Acknowledge her if he wants, or pretend like he doesn't see her if he doesn't.

And he likes it. Michelle Jones is a smartass that isn't afraid to tell people what she thinks. She's sharp and ironic and straightforward. But she's also kind and understanding – even if she apparently tries to hide it. And Peter, he didn't want to talk to anyone before. He'd been dreading just the thought of it.

And yet after a moment he takes a deep breath and opens his locker, intending it as a 'go ahead' sign and knowing she'll get it. And she does. She shuffles closer to him as he takes a couple of books out of his backpack and puts them in his locker.

"You OK there, Parker?" MJ asks quietly, her gaze fixed on him.

It's as if her eyes are burning through his skin, and it stresses him out a little. He slams the door of his locker a little too hard and instinctively glances apologetically at her. He sees her slightly raised eyebrows in surprise. He can't do this, he thinks. He doesn't turn to her, keeping his eyes on his shoes as he vaguely nods. "Yeah um, yes, I'm fine."

She doesn't say anything, and he realizes hiding is stupid. MJ is observant. Peter is pretty sure she knows just from his posture that he's lying. She doesn't need to see his face to know he's not fine. So he turns to her, mimicking her position, hands in pockets and shoulder leaning on the lockers, and meets her eyes. And he was right, she obviously doesn't believe him. It's written all over her face, and yet she doesn't say anything. She looks at him for another couple of seconds then nods too. She leans off the lockers a little awkwardly and starts walking to go around him and get to class.

But then she does something that makes his heart go crazy in his chest and effectively turns his brain into jelly. She stops by his side and presses her shoulder to his for a few seconds, and Peter instantly feels completely overwhelmed – in a good way. He leans into her instinctively, just a little, turning his head to look at her. She's never been this close to him before, ever. She's keeping her eyes fixed in front of her, her face as neutral as ever, but she's so close he can spot the goosebumps slowly raising on the soft skin of her neck. If he moves just a little he could kiss her cheek. He kind of wants to. A lot.

But her voice brings him back to reality, almost painfully, before he can make the conscious decision to do it. "Alright, I'll see you around then, loser." She's raised her voice, and she sounds different somehow, although he can't quite point out why exactly. She leans off of him and walks away like nothing, and he slowly lets out the breath he'd been holding this entire time. He doesn't glance back at her, because his cheeks feel a little too hot all of a sudden. He's not sure he could survive her making fun of him right now.

He's thankful she woke him out of his daze, because he cannot believe he actually thought about kissing MJ's cheek. True, he did indeed want to ask her out before everything, but it seems so long ago it doesn't feel real anymore – he gets an impression of déjà-vu at that, he's pretty sure it's the only thing he's been thinking these last few days whenever his stupid brain brushes the MJ subject. He liked her then, and he can't really deny he still does now, but all this feels so inappropriate for some reason. It must have to do with this recurring feeling of being an outsider in his own life.

This is all just very confusing, really.

He takes a moment to calm down a little, and only heads to class when the first bell rings above him, reminding him he has to be somewhere. He jogs to his Physics class, stopping on the doorstep to scan the room and find a spot. Every seat is taken, except one. He feels his heart jolt in his chest again as he realizes who he's gonna have to sit next to. He doesn't have much of a choice. Mr Dell is almost at the door, talking with another student behind him. Peter walks up to the free spot, mouth very dry for some reason.

She's crossed her arms on the table in front of her, and hidden her face in them. She looks up just as he moves the chair next to her, scanning her surroundings with blinking eyes before looking up at him. He smiles sheepishly under her assessing gaze, then slightly waves his hand to say hi, which earns him a deep roll of eyes that makes him chuckle. "Can I?" he asks with a nod to the empty chair next to her.

She narrows her eyes at him in a very MJ way and deadpans: "No, Parker, sit at Mr Dell's desk." Peter looks at her in shock, and she stays serious for a couple of second before a smirk lights up her face, apparently despite herself, and she looks at him in amusement. "Of course you can sit here, dork," she tells him lightly, and he feels his cheeks grow red for some reason. "There's no place anywhere else."

And he knows she saw it, he knows it from the look she gives him as he thanks her and sits down on his chair, bracing himself. She's seen him blush, and now he's gonna pay for it. This is mortifying. She's gonna make fun of him, and he's gonna die of embarrassment and that will be it for Peter Parker. Can someone die from embarrassment? Asking for a friend. Maybe if he avoids her gaze for the rest of his life it won't happen? Maybe that's a plan. He grabs his backpack from the floor and starts taking things out of it, keeping himself apparently very busy even though he can feel her watching his every move. Oh wow he's stressing out. This is very stupid.

"So, hopefully nothing much is new with physics uh?" she whispers suddenly, and he turns to her in surprise.

He did not see that coming. Fair enough, he doesn't see much coming these days, but still, he's pretty sure he wouldn't have even if his Spidey sense had been operational. He stumbles on his words as he agrees like an idiot, and watches in awe as she slightly bites her lower lip, probably to keep herself from making fun of him or something. Why is she nice to him all of a sudden? Is this because she saw him after he had cried? "Wow, I must say I uh, I kinda thought you were gonna make fun of me again," he tells her without thinking, and she looks at him all serious, making him realize she'd actually been hiding her smile just before.

"Well, what can I say, I'm magnanimous," she says quietly, still eyeing him with something in her gaze that makes his heart beat way faster than it probably should.

"Right, thanks."

"Yeah, don't get used to it though," she adds with a slight menacing hint to it, and he bites down his own smile at that.

"I won't," he nods, just as Mr Dell calls out for their attention and begins the class. They don't talk much after that, but no matter how hard he tries Peter can't really focus on what Mr Dell is saying at all and ends up sneaking glances at her the entire time. And he's terrible at it, because she catches him every single time, and when she does he hastily looks away like an idiot, heart pounding in his chest, pretending to focus on whatever there is in front of him.

He's lucky though, because even though she definitely notices him glancing at her, she doesn't say anything about it. She stays quiet, and not once Peter thinks it might be because she's actually looking at him too. He's smart, but sometimes not so much. In any case, it doesn't take much time for Physics to become his new favorite class.

Please tell me what you think!