How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones
(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)
"You're alright."
One day Peter wakes up, and that's all he can think. It's been over a month and a half now. He's forced himself not to think too much about anything. It helped, kind of, to avoid it all. But it's caught up with him now.
"You're alright."
These words emerged from his memory, out of a hazy dream in the middle of the night, stuck to his mind like glue, and now he can't get rid of them. He hears his voice at any given moment, for no apparent reason, it catches him out of nowhere, in good situations or in bad, making his heart drop and knocking the air out of his lungs.
Tony's last words to him.
"You're alright."
He has to close his eyes, and then he's back there, on Titan, and it's so hard to block the images that come back rushing, and he feels like he's drowning. He tries not to remember everything, but it can't be helped. He feels the burning air around him, and the deep twist in his stomach, all of his senses going crazy because he can feel what's coming. The look in Mr Stark's eyes as he realizes it too.
"You're alright."
The 'kid' was on his lips, but it never crossed them. Peter fell, and then he was gone. When he woke up, everything got so messy and crazy he never got the chance to hear him say anything else. He was such in shock when he got to see him again that he could not shut up, and now, oh now he hates himself for it.
He regrets it, not listening more. Because when he saw him again, Tony could not speak. There were things in his eyes, Peter tried to read them, but his own eyes were filled with so many tears he could not see straight. And then Rhodey helped him up, and then Pepper took his place, and then it was over.
He knows now. He's talked to Pepper, he's been to their home, he's seen the pictures. "I lost the kid." Tony Stark cared for him. He knew it then, of course he did. There were so many more things he wanted to hear from him. And now he never will.
"Hey dork, what's the exercise we're supposed to do for tomorrow in Physics?"
Peter blinks a couple of times, looking up from the Spanish homework he's been staring at – and not doing – for the last half hour. He's in the library, because he's found that working there is actually a lot better than working alone from home – where it still doesn't feel like home, somehow. MJ is watching him with narrowed eyes, deadly serious, and it somehow feels like these eyes are burning holes in his skin and soothing the tumultuous storm of thoughts in his head at the same time. Peter takes a second to swallow the hard lump in his throat before focusing on the information she's asking him. "I think it's uh, exercise 7 from page 138, you know that one with the baseball player?"
"Right," she nods, pressing her lips together. She's been doing that a lot recently – yes, he's noticed, yes, he might be staring at her lips a little too much, yes, it's bad – and he wonders why. Sometimes he thinks it might be a way to prevent herself from smiling, because she frequently does it when he says something sweet or helps her out on something – but then, most times he just thinks he's being dumb because that's clearly impossible. "You're such a nerd."
He tilts his head at that, frowning. "Why, because I remember the homework we were assigned last week?" MJ gives him her 'duh' look and he can't help his pout. "Yeah well, you still seem to think it's pretty convenient apparently, 'cause you kinda keep asking me about homework, don't you?" he points out, annoyed at himself for sounding so whiny about it. He actually likes it, even though he kind of feels like her personal agenda or something. They've been talking a lot more – pretty much only about physics, true, but still.
He likes it. MJ's fun to be around. She's smart and witty, and she messes with him a lot, which helps him focus on anything but the mess inside his brain. It's nice. She's also very pretty, yes, he's said it, and when he meets her eyes his heart takes him back to when his past time was jumping off of buildings, and when she does that thing with her lips somehow he forgets how to normally breathe.
"Never said it was a bad thing," she retorts with a smirk, and Peter looks at her in confusion, because that's what she is to him, so very confusing, most of the time anyway. Before he can say anything though, she pats the book in front of him and adds: "Anyway, do you need help with that Spanish homework? Kinda looks like you're struggling, I might be able to help you out."
Peter rolls his eyes, ignoring her mocking smirk. She's messing with him again. She doesn't take Spanish classes, she takes Italian ones. It's kind of become their things, competing on getting the highest grades in their shared classes. It's fun, because they've had to restart their junior year even though they had almost completed it before the Snap, and they've talked about it a lot together, but just like him, MJ still remembers pretty much everything about their first junior year, so it's quite easy to make it to the top of the class in every class. They both fight for the first spot, and it's cool. Keeps his mind busy. Makes May happy and proud, too. That's always nice.
He's not as good at the continuous banter between them as she is, he admits it, but he's getting there. At least he thinks. "Yeah no I'm good, wouldn't want you to get all confused and start mixing up the languages on your next big test."
"It was this morning actually," she counters, and her eyes are shining with amusement, and he thinks he might be getting a heart attack or something because wow. "And I aced it."
"Sure you did," Peter just says, feigning disinterest although his stupid heart is pounding in his chest for no reason. He absentmindedly turns a page of his Spanish notebook, avoiding her eyes, and hears her snort.
"Want some proof?" she then says, leaning on her forearms on the table, her hands splayed on top of his open notebook, which kind of forces him to look up – despite himself really, because he knows it's not going to be good for his brain. Peter meets her brown eyes and holds his breath, surprised and thrown off guard by her sudden proximity.
He opens his mouth, pretty sure all he's gonna be able to say will be absolute nonsense, but luckily for him just then Ned loudly sets down his backpack on the table next to Peter, making them both jump. MJ stands straight, meeting his eyes one last time before turning heels and leaving with a small wave in his direction. "Later, dork!"
Peter hmpfs at that, purposefully avoiding Ned's gaze and concentrating on his homework once again. His best friend takes his stuff out of his backpack, then sets the bag down on the floor before siting and asking somehow casually and suspiciously at the same time: "What was that all about?"
Peter just shrugs, feeling his cheeks reddening a little. "Physics."
"Right." Ned stays silent for a little while, and Peter is so keen on avoiding talking about what he knows his best friend is already suspecting that he actually dives into his homework for real and gets it done in no time. He still needs to do that physics exercise, so that's what he goes for next, but that's when Ned decides to take the leap. "Why don't you, like…"
"What?" Peter sighs, already knowing where he's heading because it does make sense. May's told him too, and yet he can't. Ned's never talked to him about it, but he knows it's been on his mind ever since that time he had run in late in the cafeteria and had found MJ and Peter laughing like two idiots because of something Flash had said in their History class. When she'd left to go grab herself another chocolate bar or something, Ned had told Peter it was nice seeing him smile so much around MJ, and that she always smiled the brightest when she was with him, and even though Peter knew he meant it with no ulterior motive whatsoever, it had still made him act all awkward and embarrassed for the rest of the day, which MJ had noticed, and which had made it worse.
He doesn't want awkward and weird, he wants simple and fun. He's been through enough complicated shit to seek out for more. It's always fun and easy, being around MJ, until his stupid feelings get in the way. So he tries to avoid that. As much as possible.
"I don't know, ask her out?" Ned says hesitantly, smiling somehow nervously at him. Peter just stares blankly at him, channeling his inner MJ – May's told him he was picking up on it, even though she's never met her in person, and that it was cute, which pretty much mortified him. "What? Don't look at me like that bro, she seems to like you."
"I'm not gonna do that Ned," Peter sighs again, opening his Physics book and looking for the exercise he's supposed to do. He's trying to ignore the pounding of his heart, and the slight panic he gets anytime someone mentions something about asking MJ out. He hates it. He's not sure why.
"Why not?" Ned asks, and there's something a little sad in his voice, which makes Peter clench his teeth immediately.
"I'm not, I don't… I don't know, alright?" he stammers, a little louder than intended, and the librarian shushes him from the other side of the room. He glances at him apologetically, then meets Ned's gaze, frowning. "I like her, she's awesome, but I don't know Ned it's… I'm not gonna go and ruin everything –"
"Pete, you're no gonna ruin everything if you ask her out," Ned cuts him with a reassuring smile, and Peter knows he means well, because he always does, because Ned is an amazing friend, and always has been, and yet he can't help the surge of anger his words stir in him somehow.
"Yeah well you don't know that, okay?" he snaps back in an angry whisper, and then Ned is looking at him all surprised and hurt, and he instantly feels bad for it and hides his face in his hands with a wavering sigh. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Ned it's just… it's not really a conversation I want to have right now."
"That's alright, I get it."
"It's just… I need some time I think, that's all," he adds, sniffling a little, pressing his palms on his eyelids to stop the all too familiar burning sensation in his eyes. He doesn't get ashamed when he cries, he just knows for a fact that sometimes when he starts it kind of gets very hard to stop, and that's not something he wants to experience right there, in the middle of the library. Happy thoughts.
"I get it Peter," Ned insists, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder and waiting for him to meet his gaze. His best friend's eyes are filled with understanding and love, and Peter thinks to himself that he's very lucky. He remembers ages ago, when they used to laugh about his legendary Parker luck that always got him in crappy and/or real bad situations, and how he kept lamenting himself about it, but really, who has the chance to have someone as loyal and amazing as Ned? He definitely is lucky, he thinks.
"So hey, how is your list coming up?" he asks after clearing up his throat, and Ned is all too happy to dive into the categorization he's made of all the movies they missed during the Blip – the movie industry got almost shut down the first years, but you really can't keep humans from creating for too long, so they still have a lot of catch up to do. Ned gets pretty excited about it, and Peter follows happily, and then they get shushed by the librarian too many times so they focus on their homework, promising themselves they'll start their Blip-marathon later during the weekend.
The night is falling when they get out of the library and head home. Ned offers to go home with him, pretending it's been a while since he's said hi to May, but Peter politely declines. He's been kind of avoiding sleepovers since everything, and he knows Ned picked up on it, but he can't bring himself to justify it out loud. He's still having way too many nightmares to be comfortable with it, but that's not something he's ready to admit, no matter how stupid that is. He knows Ned wouldn't make fun of him, but he just can't.
He's so pissed at himself for all the things he still cannot do – resuming his super-heroic activities being the most frustrating one. He's tried countless time, but the sight of either of his suits is still way too much overwhelming to even consider it. It brings him back, and he can't deal with it just yet.
He knows these things take time, he's very aware of it, he's lived through this before already. It seems worse this time around though. Grief is a tricky thing. When mixed up with PTSD, it gets all the more confusing. Sometimes he's so mad it becomes hard not to break anything – which is always easy because of how stupidly strong he is. He feels like he's holding back 24/7, and at times it becomes unbearable and he snaps – whether it be physically or verbally.
And every times it happens, he hates himself so much for it. Sometimes, he snaps at Ned, or even worse, at May, and when he sees the look in their eyes it crushes his heart so painfully he can barely breathe. He snaps out of it instantly, and apologizes again and again, cursing himself for being so impulsive. May always assures him it's okay. Tells him he's allowed to be angry, to feel all the things he's feeling, to express these feelings in any way he wants. She's encouraged him to talk, write, draw, anything to not keep those emotions at bay. She's been so good to him, he thinks. She's always so good to him. He's very grateful. It helps. A lot.
"So how was school today?" May asks, looking up from the frozen lasagna she's currently unwrapping. When she sees what he's about to do she grabs the oven mitt and throws it at him with a frown. "Socks off!" she reminds him with a stern voice and an inquisitive shake of her finger, "You know they leave prints on the walls and ceiling, and then it's a pain to wash them off."
"Right right, sorry," Peter apologizes with a small smile, hurriedly taking his socks off before crawling on the wall then settling beside the lamp. Meeting his aunt's gaze, he sees she's trying to hide her own smile, and it makes his heart happily jumps in his chest.
"I should probably make you clean them up next time," she says in a mumble, probably thinking out loud, opening the oven and tossing the lasagna in it without using the oven mitt. It's still resting on the floor where he was ten seconds earlier, and Peter thinks to himself if he'd been wearing his web-shooters, he would have used them to grab it and throw it back at her. Thinking that makes his insides do weird things, and he's very glad his aunt calls him out because he'd rather not think about that too much. "You hear me mister? Next time you forget, you'll clean it all up."
"I won't forget, promise!" He definitely will, but he figures that's okay, he'll wash the footprints off before she realizes it. He likes the way his aunt's smile still lights up the whole world even when he catches it upside down. May really is the best aunt anyone could ask for. She asks him about school again, and he shrugs. "Good I guess, but it's really too bad that History teacher is so boring. He got mad at Ned when he asked him what were the best movies made during the last five years."
"Maybe it wasn't really in line with what he was talking about at that moment," May suggests, sitting on the couch, and Peter makes a face because she's probably right.
"Maybe yeah, but still, it was a valid question."
"And what about physics?" May then asks, raising her eyebrows at him, and he can't help himself and rolls his eyes.
"Nothing much about physics," he grumbles, and his aunt lets out a chuckle that has him smile despite himself. "We've started a new chapter on momentum, if that's what you're asking about."
"Hmmm, interesting," May slowly nods, but then she's frowning and grabbing her neck with a face. "Could you maybe come down and sit with your old aunt? You're giving me a stiff neck." He laughs at that and gets off the ceiling with a back flip, and somehow he hears MJ's voice in his head as he does. Show off. He perches himself on the armrest of the couch, smiling at his aunt, wondering if his cheeks really are red or if it's just an impression. His stupid crush must be getting worse if she can irrupt in his thoughts just like that. He really doesn't want to deal with this at all.
They talk a little more, May dancing around the MJ subject and Peter intently avoiding it, until a faint burning smell travels to their noses and his aunt realizes she forgot to put the timer on. And then they're laughing and taking off the burnt patches of lasagna and eating the rest, and it's nice. And it gives Peter hope, somehow. There are still evenings and nights where it's especially hard, but the more time passes, the more moments like this happen. It warms his heart, truly.
Despite everything though, he never gets away from the nightmares. They're hunting him down every night, sometimes he remembers them, most times he doesn't, and that's what makes them even scarier. For all he knows he might be having the same dream every night. He doesn't really know how to deal with these. May told him that talking about what he's been through could help. The thing is, he doesn't want to do it with her or Ned. He's too shy to ask Happy, or any of the other heroes that were there that day. He tried writing about it, but he couldn't.
Up until tonight. Peter doesn't really know what changed. After dinner, he goes to his room, pulls a sheet of paper off his History notebook, and starts pouring words onto the page. His heart swells into his chest, his eyes fill up and overflow within minutes, but when he's done, he feels so much lighter it's almost scary.
It's been 44 days since Tony Stark died.
He's never gonna open his eyes again. He's never gonna walk, he's never gonna talk, he's never gonna hug me or anyone else ever again. He's never gonna drink coffee, never gonna show off about his latest invention, never gonna lecture me on some stupid mistake I made. He's never gonna smile, he's never gonna shout, he's never gonna play hide and seek with Morgan again. He's never gonna kiss her goodnight, he's never gonna tell me how proud he is, he's never gonna see anything ever again. He's never gonna eat May's ruined lasagna, he's never gonna make fun of me for having a crush on MJ. He's never gonna fight side by side with me, he's never gonna be there when things are rough and when things are great.
He's never gonna do all those things, but maybe that's okay.
Because I will.
The words are flowing onto the page, all wavering and irregular because his hand is shaking so much. He doesn't read what he writes. When he thinks he's done, he crumbles the page in a tight ball of paper and throws it in his trashcan under his desk. Then he puts on his pajamas, wipes his tears away, turns off the light and goes to bed. And when he wakes up, four hours later, it's not because of another nightmare. He stays still, lying on his back, heart pounding and eyes wide open. But he's not scared. He remembers every little detail of his dream, and it sends shivers down his spine. He feels awake and very much alive, and his insides are all warm and fuzzy.
It wasn't a very interesting dream per se, not packed with action or anything, and he's definitely okay with that. He was just sitting in his living-room in front of the TV. May was there, and he's pretty sure from what he remembers she'd been baking some cookies. The smell in the air had been so comforting it had brought him back to when he was 6 or 7 and his dad would bake cookies every Saturday afternoon. Ned was there, playing on his computer, a game that definitely looked like Beast Slayers but his character was a fluffy pink unicorn? Peter wasn't really sure about that last part. Because in his dream, he was also sitting next to MJ, and that had efficiently blown his subconscious away. Nothing much was happening at all really, they were just sitting next to each other on May's cramped couch. MJ had curled her legs under her, and her knee grazed his thigh every now and then, sending shivers down his spine every time. She was reading, and Peter was looking at her, and at some point she had looked up and met his gaze, and she had smiled.
That's when he woke up, somehow feeling both disorientated and at peace. Everything had felt so real, and waking up so suddenly for something seemingly so little surprised him a great deal. But the quietness, the peacefulness of the entire scene is what he keeps in mind as he drifts off again, and when his alarm goes off the next morning, for the first time in 44 days, he actually feels rested. And Peter thinks to himself, this is it.
The start of that very long journey towards healing.
I really enjoyed writing that scene with May, I love May, she's the best.
If you read this, please come and say hi, it means a lot to me to hear what you guys think!