How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones
(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)
"Have you tried like, just putting it on?"
"Yeah dude, I have. But I don't know, it's like I can't bring myself to just do it." Peter lets out a sigh, avoiding Ned's probably sad gaze. He's sitting on his desk chair, holding his Spider-man mask in his hands, barely able to look at it. There's a crushing lump inside his chest, that prevents his heart from beating and his lungs from breathing properly. It feels like all his organs are compressed by this lump, but maybe it's all just in his head.
"What if, like, what if I put it on?" Ned's voice is hesitant, and Peter looks up to meet his eyes, eyebrows raised in surprise. His best friend shrugs, sitting up on the bed he's been lying on for the last hour, his expression unsure. "I mean, maybe it would help, seeing the mask on someone else's face?"
Peter considers it for a moment, staring at the snowy clouds outside his window. He'd be lying to himself if he said he wasn't worried. It's been a little over two months now, and he still cannot bring himself to go out as Spider-man again. Despite the fact that the neighborhood definitely needs it a lot. Despite the fact that he actually misses the feeling of swinging between buildings. Despite the fact that he knows it probably is a pretty important milestone in getting rid of his stupid PTSD and finally moving on from all this. He knows Ned is waiting impatiently for it, and he knows May is looking forward to it too – even though she would probably never admit it, she always used to give him a hard time about it and prompting him to be especially careful when he went out to fight crime and stuff.
He's a little impatient as well, because he misses it, truly. And not just the swinging part, helping people out is always cool he thinks. And he kind of misses talking to his suit-lady Karen too. Is it rude that he hasn't talked to her in two months? Man, he's not sure if the AI is conscious of time passing or not, but he sure as hell feels like he's being rude. Hopefully she's not mad at him.
It doesn't really matter though, because despite all this he still cannot do it. He's not sure what's holding him back. There's just this crushing feeling in his chest every time he thinks about it, and he has no idea how to get rid of it. He can't really put words onto it. Maybe it's just too soon. He needs time, he knows it. He's allowed himself to take his time, because he knows how important it is. He's been through similar things before. He knows how important time is. Maybe he feels guilty about it all. People are out there and some of them need his help, but he's still dealing with his shit like a selfish dumbass and it's his fault they're suffering. He could do more. And yet he doesn't? What kind of person does that make him?
He talked about all this with May once, and she told him he didn't have to think this way. That he had already saved them all by kicking Thanos' ass with the other Avengers, and that it was plenty of helping out already, especially for a 16-year old kid. It made sense, when she said it. It still didn't change how he felt about it though. He's pissed at himself, and yet he doesn't have the guts to actually do something about it.
Peter really wishes he could talk about all this with someone that gets it. Another super-hero or something. He knows exactly who he would like to talk about this with, but he obviously can't. He doesn't know all the others that well. And anyway, none of them would have time to come and chat with a Highschooler going through an existential crisis. You know, too busy ruling over Wakanda or fighting bad guys in Space or building Asgard or something.
Damn, he's the boring one isn't he?
He's read things on the internet though. Ned showed him some tweets here and there to cheer him up. People – from NYC and other places as well – asking each other if anyone's heard about Spider-man since the Blip. It made his insides do weird things, probably akin to a mix of guilt and thankfulness if he had to guess. He's heard Flash ask about Spidey too. Which had been kinda confusing.
Peter looks back to Ned's serious face and finally shrugs. "I don't know, that's nice of you to offer but… I just think I'm not ready yet."
"That's cool, I get it," his best friend nods, and Peter knows he really does and it effectively warms his heart. "Ooh, did you get that momentum test back, by the way?"
Peter squints at him, and Ned looks at him all innocent in the face. "Yeah I did." He takes a deep breath and adds: "MJ beat me by half a point."
"Ah! Did she gloat?"
"Yeah."
"Classic."
"I know right?" Peter chuckles despite himself, thinking back to her very smug smirk when they'd gotten their tests back. "She said that it officially made her the smartest one between the two of us."
"And what did you say?" Ned retorts with raised eyebrows.
"Boys! Dinner's ready!" May's voice calls from the kitchen, and Peter silently lets out a relieved sigh. Saved by the bell. He yells a 'coming May!' and shots an interrogative look at his best friend. Ned asks him what May's cooking and he tells him they're having leftover pizza from the night before, so he decides to stay. Peter is happy he does. He's been doing a lot better with his nightmares lately. They still come in almost every night, but he manages to keep them under control now, somehow. They're scary and unsettling, but they don't have that terrifying note they used to have. It's been at least two weeks since the last time he woke up screaming, which is awesome. He's sleeping a lot better.
So now he's comfortable with having Ned over some nights – tonight is a school night, but it's also the last day before the Holiday break, so May is okay with it, and so are Ned's parents. They end up eating in front of old episodes of The Big Bang Theory, and it's a quiet night in just like Peter likes them. He could almost believe everything is back to normal again.
At some point May grows passionate about the charity she's set up with the help of Pepper for the people that are still impacted by the Blip – there are many, many of them, and Peter is proud of what May has been accomplishing with the volunteers for the past month. So they talk about it late into the evening, and she convinces Ned – fairly easily, he's a good dude – to join them for the party the charity is organizing for New Year's Eve. Peter is looking forward to it. He's helped his aunt a couple of times on weekends already, and he's gonna help for Christmas and New Year's Eve too. He picked out old toys from thrift stores all around the neighborhood last week, and they also plastered posters around schools to encourage parents and kids to donate toys as well.
It's always nice, helping out people in need. Makes him realize even more just how much he misses being Spider-man. Maybe with the New Year coming it will set things in motion, finally? Peter can't help himself and be hopeful that night, which is a very sweet feeling.
He doesn't feel as good the next day, because Ned and him stayed up way too late playing Beast Slayers and now he's super tired. He barely survives through his first two classes, and then gets a heavenly sent nap during History – he thinks he should feel bad about it, but he doesn't, that class is very boring. When the bell rings he opens his eyes and they immediately fall on MJ on the other side of the class and he feels his cheeks becoming hot suddenly. He really ought to do something about this, he hates that he's blushing so much still, despite the fact that they've been talking together a lot more. He almost thinks they're friends now.
The Snap did things to people, the Blip as well. Good things, bad things. Made people realize what is important and what is not as important. Spending times with loved ones, taking care of each other. All in all, Peter thinks people are less selfish nowadays. Like living through a traumatic event made them all more compassionate and open minded than before. Well, maybe not everyone, but still, it's something that he's noticed.
That's why he thinks it makes sense that MJ's changed a little too. She's always her very snarky self, and there are some days where she doesn't talk to him at all and flips him off when he tries, just like she always did before everything. But, these days are not the majority anymore. She's opening up, to him, to Betty, to Ned too – sometimes they have very animated conversations about various mythical theories during lunchtime where Peter feels a little left out, although he has to admit he really likes seeing her passionate about stuff (but he's not gonna admit that out loud, hell no). And it feels nice. He's hanging onto that, because that's what he thinks you should do in life: you find things that make you happy and you hold onto them. It's a nice way to live, and it helps him out a lot nowadays, which is definitely good.
Peter follows Ned to their Spanish class, and he gets the highest score of the class on their latest test. Then when the class is over, they go to lunch. They are always the first ones at their table – MJ once told him that her Italian teacher has hearing problems and that she never hears the bell – so they sit and start eating without her, and Peter can't wait to be all smug about his grade when she'll eventually arrive. She'll probably make a snide remark of some sorts, like she always does, but he doesn't care. She told him once very seriously that he has more of a scientific mind than a literary one, and he's kind of excited to show her that's not entirely true – not to prove her wrong though, because he thinks she does have a point. She's always good on literary subjects – with everything she reads it does make a lot of sense – but she also has a great scientific mind too. Peter told her once it was unfair, and he's not really sure he saw right because what, but she might have winked at him when he said that, which was, definitely, very confusing for him.
She's usually late, and he doesn't think much of her absence until they're halfway through their lunch break and she's still not here. He waits for another five minutes, not sure what to do about it, and then he tells Ned he has to do something and that he'll see him later. And he goes looking for her. He's not really worried, except maybe he is because she's never missed a lunch since they got back to school after the Blip so it's definitely unusual. He steps into the empty hallway and stops for a second, thinking to try and figure out where she could be.
The first logical place is obviously the library, but she's not there. Peter walks to their Physics class but she's not there either, so he starts wandering around in the hallways, feeling a little stupid. Maybe she's outside, wait no it's snowing she can't be outside. If she's in some bathroom somewhere then he's doing all this for nothing. He's not gonna go and knock on every girl bathroom's door. No, he's not that desperate. Right?
Something's pulling him to keep looking though, he's not sure what exactly, but he's glad he does because when he's almost reached the art department on the second floor, his senses pick up something. He takes a couple of steps around the corner and there she is. And he can feel it, even though he's like 20 feet away. MJ's scared. She's sitting with her back against the wall, her thighs pressed against her chest, arms wrapped around her knees. He can't see her face because she's hidden it in the crook of her elbow, but he knows it. He feels it. He's been through this enough times to know exactly what's happening. He can hear her cramped breathing, and his heart clenches in his chest.
He slowly walks up to her, and she doesn't hear him because when he quietly says 'hey' she jumps and looks up, her eyes all foggy and surprised. He carefully smiles at her and she tightens the grip of her arms around her knees. Her breathing's slowed down though, he notices, and that's what prompts him to talk again, a little nervous for some reason. "You didn't make it to lunch."
She looks down, pressing her lips together. "Yeah I uh, wasn't really hungry."
"Right," he nods, and he knows she's lying, and he's pretty sure she knows he knows because she wouldn't meet his eyes. He bites his lower lip, hesitating for a second. "Anyway, ready to go kick ass in physics?" he then asks, hopefully in a casual tone, like there's nothing wrong about finding someone sitting in an empty hallway probably trying to deal with a panic attack of some sorts. "Mr Dell would be very disappointed to be missing his best students ever."
He feels his heart jump in his chest when MJ almost immediately smirks at that, finally meeting his gaze. "Student or students? Wow, you're full of yourself today, Parker. I thought we agreed last time that I was the best since I beat you at that momentum test."
"By half a point," Peter mumbles with a not so fake pout because he's still annoyed by it, but then to his surprise she suppresses a small laugh, her brown eyes filled with amusement, and his heart bungee-jumps in his chest. He's somehow filled with a new-found courage and he surprises himself with what he does next. "Come on, we're gonna be late."
MJ's eyes dart to the hand he's holding out to her, and he sees her hesitate for a second. His brain immediately starts panicking, but then she's sliding her hand into his and he helps her up, his mind going absolutely blank. Her skin is fresh and soft against his, and when she stands they're very close, close enough that he has to look up just a little to meet her eyes because she's taller than him. She's looking sheepishly at him, a little nervous maybe, but he can still sense the fear lingering too, so he presses her hand into his before letting go. "You're fine, OK?"
MJ nods, and Peter is almost sure he is not imagining the slight blush on her cheeks before she steps back and grabs her stuff from the floor. She starts walking, probably heading towards their Physics class, and he follows her in silence, mind racing. It's stupid, but he feels bad for not knowing what exactly she's going through. Panic attacks are more common for pretty much everyone since the whole Thanos fiasco, but still, he doesn't know what caused hers, and he really wishes he did because he'd like to help. But he knows MJ is a very private person, and that she only opens up when she chooses to – and it is very, very rare. He knows next to nothing about her life outside of school. Actually, the things he knows can be counted on the fingers of one hand.
He knows from that very first day back at school after the Blip that she lives with her dad but not her mom – probably divorced, but for all he knows maybe her mom died, he's not even sure. He knows that something embarrassing happened at her 8th birthday involving a pony? – he didn't dare ask for more details in fear of getting murdered. He knows that the one person she looks up to the most is her grand-mother but that she died when MJ was 12 – sometimes she tells him about a movie she saw with her or a book she read thanks to her, and every time her eyes lights up with a mix of love and sadness he knows all too well. He knows she goes grocery shopping on Fridays after school – Ned and him saw her once while they were gathering supplies for their Blip marathon, and she'd flipped them off saying "bugger off nerds, this is my supermarket." and the cashier had agreed with a laugh. Last but not least, he knows that if she drinks coffee instead of tea in the morning, they're in for an especially cynical day from her part – he's painfully experienced it at least three times before making the conclusion that sardonic MJ appeared only when the disposable cup she came in with in the morning had coffee in it.
It's not much, especially considering the fact that he's been around her for the entirety of his high school years so far. True, they weren't close at all until two months ago, but still. Peter thinks about Ned, and how he knows pretty much everything about his best friend. Then again, the kind of friendship he has with Ned is not quite what he's aiming for with MJ. Not that he thinks he has any saying in what their friendship is. He's not even sure she considers him her friend. She's in the driver seat, and he's following suit like he can.
He really wants to be her friend though. He's not exactly sure how to do that. They've made it into their Physics class, and despite what he said earlier, they're not late at all. He's lost in thoughts, not realizing he's being a little agitated until MJ suddenly scolds: "Hyperactive much?" Peter glances apologetically at her, sitting down properly on his chair – he'd been balancing himself on two of its legs without even realizing it. MJ is watching him closely, slightly frowning for some reason. "What's up with you?" she asks, and he hears the curiosity she's obviously trying to hide in her voice, and it stresses him out just a little.
He makes a face, clearly not about to tell what he's been thinking. "Nothing," he says with a shrug, scratching a spot above his eyebrow. "So do you have any plans for the Break?" Stir the conversation away from him, that's a plan.
Except MJ never lets him get away with his plans ever, he should know it by now he thinks. "Why?" she retorts, narrowing her eyes at him suspiciously, which makes him panic instantly. She lets him stammer for a moment before smirking at him. "I'm messing with you, Parker." She takes a sharp breath and then adds, looking down at the Physics book in front of her: "I don't have any plans except helping out in shelters. I found this new charity that's been created to help people displaced by the Blip."
"Oh." Peter doesn't know how to feel about that. "Oh that's, that's great." Just when he was thinking he didn't know much about her life, she offers him such a crucial and amazing part of her, and somehow he feels embarrassed because of how surprised it makes him. Which is dumb, because it actually makes so much sense. Of course she would help out people. Of course she wouldn't make a big deal out of it. She's always out there, taking part in social protests for women and minorities, being selfless and caring even though at first sight she looks like she hates everyone and would rather be alone. Peter feels deeply stupid for not figuring that one out sooner. "You're not spending Christmas with your family?" he asks, in a poor attempt to divert himself from the shame he's feeling.
MJ bites her lower lip and he curses himself, wondering if he said something he shouldn't have said again. He hates how awkward and stupid he feels. Way to be a good friend, Parker. He watches as she apparently hesitates, shyly meeting his eyes before talking again, her voice lower and more uncertain that usual: "My mom invited me to spend it at her place but…" She takes another shaky breath. "I'd rather spend my time helping out people that actually need me." Peter feels his heart fall into his chest at that, but she doesn't let him say anything. "Anyway, I don't care much really. What about you?"
Most of the times, she acts in ways that confuse the hell out of him, but right now her sudden change of subject and the expression on her face are so familiar to Peter it's almost painful. He's seen this before. He's felt this before. She was hurt, she is hurt, and she doesn't want to dwell on it. That is definitely something he can relate to. So it's very easy, for once, to decide on what to say next. "I'm spending Christmas with my aunt," he tells her with a smile, and he's happy to see her return it, even if it's small and doesn't last long. He hesitates a second, wondering if he should tell her he's actually helping out in shelters too, but then Mr Dell arrives and the class starts.
Peter focuses on what he's saying for a little while, but like most of his scientific classes he still remembers pretty much everything from his first junior year so his mind trails off after ten minutes. He doodles random things on the corner of his sheet of paper, then glances at MJ absentmindedly. She's staring into the void, apparently not paying attention either, and something suddenly strikes him. "How come you never draw in Physics?" he whispers without thinking, and she meets his gaze with a frown. "What? You're clearly bored most of the time, and yet you don't draw, why not?"
"Who do you think you are, the Inquisition?" MJ retorts grumpily, and somehow he thinks she's embarrassed, and it kind of makes him even more curious. MJ's never embarrassed by anything. Even that time she told him about that supposedly embarrassing incident at her 8th birthday she wasn't ashamed at all, completely neutral actually.
"No, just curious," he says, watching her face from the side of his eyes, not quite prying because that's clearly not something she'd like, but still not completely letting it go.
She makes a face and shrugs, clearly avoiding his gaze. "I don't know, I guess there isn't really much to draw here. You know, no people in crisis and stuff," she adds, barely glancing in his direction, and for some reason it amuses him. He must be a pretty good actor then, he thinks. If only she knew about all the crap going on inside his head, she'd probably have notebooks covered with his face.
"I could pretend to be in trouble and you could draw me," he says playfully, and he sees the slightest shift at the corner of her lips, indicating that she's repressing a smile. His heart jumps in his chest and it makes him bolder for some reason. "That way you wouldn't look so miserable all the time."
MJ turns swiftly on her chair, glaring at him so angrily he should probably feel bad about it, except he doesn't. "What the hell Parker, you're miserable," she snaps at him, a little louder than she'd probably intended as a few curious heads turn towards them. It makes Peter chuckle, because he can't believe he's actually winning at that banter thing they're doing all the time. This never happens. It's very gratifying, he has to admit it.
"Wow, great comeback," he points out cheekily, and she very clearly grinds her teeth in annoyance. He doesn't add anything, pretending to listen to what Mr Dell's currently saying, and barely hiding his satisfied grin. He can feel her eyes on his face for a little while, which he tries to ignore because he knows he'll eventually blush under her gaze because that's always what happens.
Just when he's starting to feel a little uncomfortable, she takes out a sheet of paper and starts drawing. Peter glances at her once again, letting out a quiet but triumphant sigh that has her repressing another smile by biting her lower lip. He doesn't try and take a peak at what she's drawing. From the position of her arm, she obviously doesn't want him to look, and he's okay with that. Maybe that's why she doesn't draw in Physics, maybe she's not comfortable with people watching her draw. If that was it though, she wouldn't draw in other classes as well, except she does. Peter doesn't have an explanation for that.
His mind trails off on various subjects for the remainder of the class, until MJ stops drawing. She looks at the sheet of paper for a moment, then neatly folds it in two and slides it into her physics book. When she lets out a sigh, Peter takes it as an invitation to speak. "Feeling better?" he asks her, and she meets his gaze with a blank expression and a shrug. "Can I ask you what you drew or are you going to murder me if I do?" he adds casually, and she just snickers at that, and her lack of response is an answer in itself. "Right, I won't risk it then," he mumbles after a while, and she smirks, making him smile in return.
They stare at each other for just a beat too long before looking away awkwardly, and Peter has no idea what happens for the rest of the class, too caught up in the storm of thoughts in his head and in the pounding of his heart. There are moments like this one where he could almost believe she actually likes him. As in more than friends. He will not risk anything though. He appreciates her friendship too much to potentially ruin it by asking for more. He doesn't want more. Well, maybe he does, but it doesn't matter. He can't, and he won't.
Besides, he's still such a mess it wouldn't be fair to her anyway.
Is anyone reading this or not? xD