THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND PEOPLE!
So, I wrote 3,400 words today for some reason, so yeah, here you have it, new update everyone! xD

How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones

(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)

Peter shifts a little, angling him in the corner of the room for a more comfortable position. His cellphone chooses this moment to slip out of his pocket and fall on his bed, earphones following and dangling half a second before being ripped off of his ears. He gestures awkwardly to try and prevent the whole thing, but the huge Star Wars art-book in his hands gets in the way and he fails. With a sigh, he lands on his bed and retrieves phone and earphones, hearing Ned's choked 'What was that?!'

"Oops, sorry dude I dropped you," Peter apologizes, setting the amazing book his aunt got him for Christmas aside and laying on his pillow like a normal person, hands behind his head.

"Were you on the ceiling again?" his friend asks with a laugh, making him smile.

"Yeah, I mean, it's where I do my best thinking you know."

He can hear the familiar ruffle of Lego pieces for a minute before his best friend speaks again. "Hey, you never ended up telling me how was the charity party yesterday?"

"Oh, yeah." Peter can feel his cheeks growing hot, and he scratches an eyebrow pensively. It's the 25th, late afternoon. He's been on the phone with Ned for over an hour, both doing their own thing and talking every once in a while. Peter likes doing this, how comfortable and inherently nice it feels to just share silence over the phone with someone you love. "It was great, very rewarding."

"Cool."

"Yeah…" he hesitates a second, very self-conscious for some reason. "Also, guess who was there too."

"Ooh, I like this game, hmm, let me think…" There's another ruffle of Lego pieces being pushed away, and Peter knows Ned is now giving him all his attention. He also knows that this could take a while – Ned does love this game, but is usually really bad at it – and thinks to himself he'll let his best friend three guesses before telling him. "Okay, okay, Steve Rogers?"

"What? No, why would he be there?" Peter asks, a little confused.

"I don't know he's from Brooklyn isn't he?"

"Uh, yeah, good guess but no, that's not it."

"Okay, hmm, Pepper Potts?"

"No, May really wanted her to come but she'd promised Morgan they would celebrate Christmas together with Rhodey and Happy," Peter explains, smiling as he thinks back to how enthusiastic Morgan had sounded over the phone this morning while she was listing him all the presents she got.

"Right, first Christmas without…"

"Yeah." There's an awkward, sad silence for a little while, as Peter tries not to think too much about what Ned was about to say. He takes a deep breath, before plastering a fake smile on his face – which is kinda useless since Ned cannot see him – and clears his throat. "Alright, last guess? Then I tell you."

"Okay um, any clues?"

"Right, um, it's someone from school."

"Flash?! Ew, I hope not, wait no, that's not my guess, um, um, Mr Harrington?"

"Nope and nope," Peter chuckles despite himself at how revolted Ned sounded at the sole idea of Flash being there. He's super glad that he wasn't. Would have been another great showing of Parker Luck.

"So who was it then?" Ned asks, curiosity very obvious in his voice. Peter hesitates, cheeks a little red again, and his best friend being, well, his best friend, immediately interprets his silence for what it really is. "Oh my God, was it MJ? Was MJ there?"

Peter gulps and nods shyly, before remembering they're on the phone and he can't see him. "Yeah."

There's a beat. "Well that's something." Another beat. Peter kind of wishes he could see his friend's face to guess what he's thinking right now. Ned is just like him, his emotions are always pretty clear. Or maybe he just knows him so well he can unconsciously read his thoughts. They've had discussions about this already. Multiple times. It's an ongoing theory between them. "So, did you guys make out?"

"WHAT?!"

Ned's laughter erupts instantly, filling Peter's ears for a good minute, and making him smile despite himself. He tells him grumpily to just shut up, and it makes Ned laugh even more. Peter glances towards his door to make sure it's closed. He wouldn't want May to see him right now. His cheeks and ears are so hot he thinks he probably looks like a tomato. He really wishes he wouldn't blush as much. So embarrassing. "So she met May," Ned says as a matter of fact, once he's calmed down a little. Peter can still hear the deep amusement in his voice though.

"Yup." He takes another deep breath before blurting out like an idiot: "And she's coming back on New Year's Eve."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, May asked her last night and uh, she said yes right away."

"That's cool." A beat. "So how was it?"

"Um, cool, I mean she uh… I kinda ended up asking her if we were friends and uh, yeah, she said we are." He's still giddy about the whole thing. He didn't mention that to May the night before. Telling Ned now feels a little unreal for some reason.

"Heyyy, well there you go buddy!" Ned exclaims, and a smile stretches Peter's lips instantly. He knows if they were in the same room he would have given him a congratulatory slap on the shoulder. "That's cool, I'm happy for you."

"Thanks dude." Peter hesitates for a second again. Maybe having this conversation over the phone is actually the best way to do it. He knows for a fact that Ned would never make fun of him, but on the other hand, it still is very embarrassing either way, so maybe not actually seeing him could probably be a great alternative. "I wanted to ask you something about that, by the way."

"Okay, shoot."

"Um… Do you think MJ and I uh… do you think we flirt?"

He's disarmed by how quickly his best friend answers. "Flirt? Yeah, definitely."

"Oh my God." He can't believe this. His heart kinda feel like it's about to beat out of his chest. "Is that, is it… wait, are you sure? I mean, it doesn't sound very likely I –"

"Yeah I know, it's weird as shit. I couldn't believe my eyes when I first saw you guys do it," Ned tells him absentmindedly, and Peter can hear him shuffling through Lego pieces again. Peter lets out a shaky sigh, barely daring to move from where he's lying on his bed. None of this conversation feels real. "It's in this awkward, weirdly detached way, but yeah, you definitely do."

"Oh my God," Peter says again breathlessly. "Wh-what, what should I do about it?"

"I don't know Pete, what do you wanna do about it?"

Somehow this takes him back to the night before, and Leila's deep, spot-on question she asked him right before heading home. 'What about you, did you get what you wanted?' He had no idea what to answer to that, and he's been thinking about it a lot all day. He's not entirely sure what he wants. Well, that's not true. He knows exactly what he wants, and it doesn't have anything to do with MJ, and it troubles him deeply. "I don't, I mean, I – Dude, I have no idea."

"That's okay," Ned tells him quietly, and Peter knows if he were there, he would be staring at him very deeply and seriously. He can hear all the comfort and reassurance Ned is trying to put in his voice, and it warms his heart. "You don't have to do anything Pete. Just, go with the flow as they say, if that's what you want."

"I mean…" Peter sighs, a lump forming in his throat. "I have literally no idea what I want."

"Maybe you do but it's just not what you expect it to be." There is a reason why Ned's D&D nickname always is Ned the Wise, Peter thinks. "But you don't have to know exactly what you want. I mean, you're 16 Peter, no one expects you to have things figured out instantly you know."

"Yeah I guess." It's still overwhelming thinking about the future, but he's kind of used to that now. He cannot project himself into what could be and what will be, not ever since everything. "I don't think I can."

"Ask her out?"

"Yeah, I don't think I'm… I don't know, ready?"

"That's okay you know, I don't think she's expecting you to do anything anyway," Ned tells him seriously. "I mean, it's MJ we're talking about, I don't think she expects anything from anyone really."

"True," Peter nods with a nervous laugh. He lets out a tired sigh, heart still beating a little too fast for his taste.

"Oops, my mom's calling, I have to go," Ned says after a while, "talk to you later?"

"Yup, see ya!" They do their ritual phone shake – their greatest invention so far, Peter thinks – then they both hang up, and Peter stays still on his bed, head swarming with thoughts. If he's honest with himself, what he wants is actually very clear. He wants to be Spider-man again. He's been focusing on being Peter Parker and dealing with what had to be dealt with ever since Tony's death and the whole Thanos fiasco, but now he really wants to get back to that other very important part of him.

The only thing is, he has no idea how to do it. It should be simple, but it's not. He should be able to just pick up the suit and do it, but he can't. Something's holding him back, despite the gut wrenching guilt he's feeling from not doing his part, despite the longing of just being Spider-man again. He really needs to put words on this, but he can't seem to.

He's getting impatient. Almost pissed off at himself really. But he's also reluctant to talk about it with Ned or May, which is dumb he thinks, so it feels like he's not going anywhere with this. Like he's not getting better, like he cannot move on no matter how hard he wants to. A little part of him points out constantly that it's only been a little over two months, but he thinks there's no excuse. He's never been patient anyway. He's restless, a little impulsive, definitely keen on quick-thinking. This stagnant state of not being able to do what he really wants to do is killing him.

He spends the next five days trying to come up with a plan, but fails miserably. On the 30th, his aunt suggests they could go to the movies – he knows she's trying to cheer him up and appreciates it – and so that's what they do. She invites Ned too, and they watch a rerun of the first Back to the Future, which in Peter's opinion might be the greatest way to cheer someone up, really. He's having an amazing time, and when they get out of the theater Ned and him are actively trying to convince May to go ice-skating and/or grab some hot-dogs.

Then they hear a scream. It's still relatively early, but as it is winter, night has already fallen. The three of them rush towards the alley the cry came from, alongside a couple of other persons. Peter stops in his tracks as the scene unrolls in front of his eyes. A man apparently grabbed a woman's handbag and tried to make a run for it. Ned and another man immediately stop him from running anywhere, while the third person reaches out for her phone to call 911 and May rushes to the victim's side. And Peter stands there, incapable of thinking, of moving, paralyzed with fear.

They stand by waiting for the police, give their statement, then they head home. They drop Ned off at his place, and Peter can barely look at him as they say goodbye. May and him walk home in silence, and he knows she's worrying for him, but he can't bring himself to say anything. He's so ashamed. He couldn't do anything when someone needed his help. He got so terrified he couldn't even move. His eyes are stinging so hard he can barely see, and he staggers on the steps as they make their way up the stairs to their place.

He can feel May's gaze on him, but he cannot meet her eyes. He goes straight to his room and silently close the door, stumbling to sit on his bed and let the tears finally roll down his cheeks. He's so ashamed he can barely breath, the lump in his throat so hard he's almost gasping for air. He can hear May hesitating behind the door, and it's killing him. He doesn't want to make her sad. He doesn't want to make her worry.

When she finally knocks on the door and opens it quietly, he doesn't look up. She steps in his room, sits down on the bed next to him, her shoulder pressed against his. He can see her hands rolled into fists resting on her thighs. She stays quiet for a little while, and when she takes a sharp breath Peter speaks up in a hoarse voice that doesn't sound like him at all: "I don't wanna hear it May…"

"Then I won't say anything," May tells him in a whisper, lifting her arm to hug him.

And she doesn't say anything. She stays with him while his mind runs wild, finally putting words onto what he's been feeling this whole time without even realizing it. Fear. He feels so stupid. Of course he's afraid, what else could it be? With everything he's been through, Greenwich, Titan, the battle of Earth, of course he's terrified. Of course that's why he cannot bring himself to get back in the suit, because without the suit in the first place he would probably never have been through all this. It makes a lot of sense, how could he be that stupid?

Except it never felt like fear until today. Whenever he's tried to put the suit on, whenever he even thought of going out again as Spider-man, what he felt never actually felt like fear. There was something, he was feeling something, but it didn't feel like being scared. And he's had his share of fears in his life, he has a deep conscience of what it is to be truly afraid. But somehow he never made the connection. He doesn't know why.

But at least now he knows. He knows, and maybe he can do something about it.

He must have fell asleep because he wakes up with a start, hastily wiping the drool at the corners of his lips, blinking in the shy sun of December. A quick glance towards his alarm clock tells him it's barely 8:31 in the morning. He lays back on his pillow, noticing he's still fully dressed except for his shoes, which he thinks May must have taken off for him. He takes a deep breath, eyes lost on the white ceiling, and realizes he actually feels better. Much calmer than the day before, or than any given day since the Blip for that matter.

He ponders for a little while on why, then his growling stomach pushes him to get out of bed so he does. He gets out of his jeans and puts on some sweatpants, makes a beeline for the bathroom to splash some water on his face, then walks into the kitchen where he can hear May is cooking breakfast. "Hey May." He smiles shyly at her when she looks up from her frying pan, and she smiles back one of her warm, loving grin.

"Hey there sleepy head!" she says with a wink, handing him a plate with toasts and scrambled eggs. They're both a little burned up but he couldn't care less. "You slept for twelve hours straight, you must be starving."

"I am yeah," he nods with a subtle laugh, and he can hear the quiet sigh of relief she tries to hide by turning on the electric kettle. He hates when she worries for him. "We never ended up eating those hot-dogs last night."

"Oh no, don't tell me I owe you guys hot-dogs now."

"I'll see about that with Ned later today and we'll come back to you with an answer," Peter tells her cheekily, scrunching on his toast to the delight of his grumbling stomach.

"Oh is that how it is?" May mumbles, but there's a bright smile on her lips as she sits down across from him with her own plate of food. They eat in silence for a little while, and it's very nice. Then May gets into specifics about what they're going to be doing today for the charity party, and they never end up talking about the previous night.

They head to Brooklyn – picking up Ned at home first – around noon, and are very busy for the entire afternoon. At some point while they're getting the tables out of the storage room, Ned tries to ask him what happened the night before, but Peter just dodges the subject, assuring him that he's fine.

"I just realized something," he tells him with a shrug, and his best friend doesn't pry, but Peter can still feel his worried gaze on him every once in a while. It's making him nervous, because he's not ready to talk about it, but he still gets why Ned is acting like he is, and the fact that he's so obviously trying to hide it makes him appreciate his friendship even more. Luckily for him though, MJ arrives at 5 pm, and Ned gets distracted.

They have an amazing time helping out setting the tables and organizing the buffet before everyone arrives. MJ is in a great mood, Peter thinks he's never seen her in such a happy state before. She's joking around with Ned and him, making fun of Peter for pretty much anything – which makes him blush a lot, which in return makes her tease him even more. At some point she goes to help in the kitchen while Ned and Peter are taking a small break – "We've been at it since noon, come on MJ we're not lazy asses…" – so Ned immediately turns to Peter once she's out of earshot and nods eagerly:

"See, told you, that's definitely flirting."

"That's just crazy," Peter weakly protests, cheeks reddening once again.

"No she definitely is, all that teasing and everything, it's obvious."

"Shut up man…"

"I've honestly never seen her in such a good mood," Ned adds with a slow, pensive nod, ignoring him completely.

"Yeah I know, me neither," Peter agrees, a fond smile stretching his lips for a second before he realizes it and wipes it out with a nervous chuckle.

"Waiiiit, maybe that's not MJ, maybe it's actually her anti-evil twin."

"Anti-evil twin?" Peter repeats with a disbelieving laugh. "Dude that doesn't even mean anything!"

"Un-evil twin? How do you even say that, angel twin?" Ned retorts, apparently thinking hard, which makes Peter burst out laughing.

"When you guys are done talking about girls, could you maybe go and help Maddie with the name tags for the volunteers?" May's voice interrupts them then, and the two friends scramble away immediately, still laughing like idiots. They do what she told them to do, then Maddie asks them to give their name tag to every volunteer – they're 15 tonight, which is a lot more than on Christmas night. Ned holds him back and insists on giving him MJ's, and Peter saves it until it's the last one. She's in the kitchens with Genevieve and Curt, and she's elbows deep in soapy water, apparently washing some dishes from all the cooking they did for the party.

"Hey MJ um, here's your name tag, where do you want me to –"

"I'm a little busy here, Parker," she tells him with a glare, shaking her hands covered in bubbles as proof. Peter holds his breath as one soapy droplet lands on her left cheek. Somehow all he can think about now is wiping it away with his thumb. But that would be so, so stupid. He definitely can't do that.

"Yeah I, I see that I'm –"

"So what are you gonna do about it?" she asks, and he thinks she's teasing him again, challenging him maybe, but he's not sure. She's not looking at him, heaving a particularly large pot to rinse it. Peter watches as she impatiently shakes her head to move her hair out of her face. Oh he's an idiot.

"I uh –"

"Just leave it in my pocket, dork."

Peter's not sure if he's heard right. He feels his own eyes widening as he stares at her, heart pounding in his chest. She's wearing her 'vote for women' t-shirt, and dark jeans. The only pockets he can see now are the ones on the back of her pants. Peter's brain is gone, he thinks.

"Oh my god, not these pockets you perv, my hoodie's on that chair near the fridge."

"Oh." That makes more sense. Peter scrambles towards the hoodie in question, feeling horrifyingly embarrassed. He hears MJ's soft chuckle behind him, and it sends 'mayday' signals through his entire body. He slips the name tag inside her pocket and leaves without another word, scared of making an even bigger fool out of himself somehow. He wouldn't think it's possible, but he knows he probably could. His social incapacity around her knows no limits, apparently.

"I'm such an idiot," he tells Ned, who's standing next to the doors. It's almost time for people to start arriving, they're on coats duty once again.

"Oh my, again?" Ned sighs, and Peter stares at him in shock.

"Dude, aren't you supposed to be all like, 'Peter no, you're not stupid come on!'?" he complains, and Ned laughs at that. He hears MJ's steps behind him a few seconds later, and knows instantly what she's going to say.

"He wouldn't be a good friend if he told you that." She stops next to him with a smirk, and he notices she's back in her hoodie, her name tag taped on it. He can't stop himself from blushing once again. Oh he hates himself sometimes. "Thanks for the name tag, dork."

"You're welcome," he mumbles, averting his eyes, pretty sure she's about to make fun of him again. But she doesn't. He has no idea why not. She's just so confusing to him sometimes. Most times. Peter doesn't get to dwell on it much. People are starting to arrive, and MJ, Ned and him are pretty busy for the next couple of hours. They hang coats, then help out at the buffet. Once the dinner is over and it's almost time for dessert, they help clean off the tables and bring everything back to the kitchen, then May tells them to just go and have fun.

"You'll help again once the party is over," she adds, and the three of them gladly oblige. They gorge themselves with chocolate and all kinds of yummy desserts – paradise, according to Ned, and Peter has to agree. Then they move some tables around and people start dancing. They have so much fun Peter forgets about pretty much everything. Midnight comes by, and he fiercely hugs Ned and May, and awkwardly shakes hands with MJ. And it's nice.

Somehow though, it kind of goes downhill for him after that. He's not really sure why, maybe it's the prospect of a whole new year or something, but he finds himself diving right back in all the things that aren't what they were before. He keeps dancing with Ned and the other kids – MJ disappeared somewhere, she does that sometimes – but after a while he says he's tired and sits down on the bleachers. The music is loud and aggressive, though he knows it's just because he's feeling a little down because it's the same as it was ten minutes ago. He tunes some of it out, as he almost always does when he's in a loud environment. He's used to it now.

He's so focused on trying to calm down that he almost doesn't hear MJ approaching. She sits down next to him, offering him a juice box with a sly smile. They stay quiet for a little while, but she must notice his grim face – she always notices, she's very observant – because after a little while she asks: "What's up?"

"Nothing," he answers with a shrug, "I don't know."

She doesn't say anything else, and when he glances at her, she's looking over to the dance floor where Ned is still dancing with a herd of kids. He doesn't think she's gonna say anything else, but then she does. "So new year uh? 2024… Man, the last six years really just went like…" She punctuates her words with a snap of her fingers, and Peter almost chokes at that. Wow. Had he been in a better mood, he'd probably have nervously laughed at that, but he doesn't have the time bring himself to just do it, maybe point out how dark that is, that she's already apologizing. "Sorry, too soon?"

"No, I don't know…" he lets out in a chuckle, shrugging again, "this whole thing it's just so…"

"Unfair?" she suggests, "Yeah."

"I just, I wish I could do more." It's almost scary how easily words are pouring out of his mouth sometimes, when he's with MJ. Not when they're talking about non important stuff, but when they're talking about things that matters. He has no clear idea or explanation as to why exactly.

"Peter, hey, you're doing your best, believe me," MJ tells him, and although he doesn't dare looking at her, he can hear how serious she is right now. She truly believes what she's saying. It feels nice, although Peter knows it's actually not true at all. Not in the slightest. "And I'm pretty sure your best is a lot more than most people anyway."

He smiles sadly at that. "Thanks, MJ." It makes his heart flop in his chest, because he can hear how convinced she is, and it's killing him. He's not doing his best. His best would be going out as Spider-man again and protecting the neighborhood. That would be him doing his best. That would be him doing what's right. It's his responsibility, and he's been dodging it for so long, because of what? "I'm just… I'm just so afraid all the time." He lets out a shaky sigh, hiding his face in his hand to try and keep the emotions at bay. His other hand is clenched so hard it slightly hurts. He tries to focus on that.

But he's almost completely overwhelmed because here, he's said it. Until MJ bumps his shoulder with hers, and it brings him back to reality instantly. "Yeah, I feel you buddy." Her words are light and casual, but he can sense the tension and the understanding behind them, which makes him realize once again that he's not the only one that needs to deal with stuff. Peter lets out a small chuckle despite himself. He can feel her eyes studying the side of his face still. "OK, I'm gonna tell you something now, and if you ever say I did I'll kill you, alright?"

This takes him out of his apathy and he props his chin on his palm and his elbow on his knew to look at her in surprise. She stares back blankly until he nods his understanding.

"Alright," she sighs, and he could swear he sees her cheeks reddening just a little. "It's OK to be afraid, because fear is like a super power. It can make you stronger, and faster, and cleverer."

He knows he remembers this from somewhere, and it only takes him half a second to point out exactly where he's heard this before. "Isn't that like a Doctor Who quote or something?" MJ just stares daggers at him and he chuckles, sitting straight and grabbing his juice box from the floor. Without even thinking he slowly bumps her shoulder with his and raises his juice at her. "So, to embracing our fears then uh?"

"And to doing our best," MJ adds with a smirk, raising her juice box too, and they drink to it. And her words go round and round in his head for the rest of the night, and he keeps wondering if – and how – it's possible that she found the exact words he needed to hear at that very moment.