How Peter Parker got a crush on Michelle Jones

(and what he subsequently did, or rather did not do)

"Come on, you can do this. Come on, Spider-man."

This sentence immediately takes him back, and a shiver runs down his spine. Peter distinctly remembers that particular moment in his life. Doesn't think he could ever forget the crushing weight on his entire body, the dust choking his lungs, the cold water running down his face, the sheer terror coursing through his veins. He's in a much less dire situation right now, but he thinks this might be even more important than that moment an eternity ago when he'd realized that with or without the suit, he would always be Spider-man.

It kind of feels like the same situation in a way, when he thinks about it – but without the collapsed building weighing on his back obviously. He's free of his movement right now. He's not in danger. He's standing at the top of his building, overseeing the neighborhood, the cold wind of winter curling around him. The sun is slowly setting behind him, the deep oranges and pinks of the sunset coloring the clouds above him. He can see the skyscrapers of Manhattan in the distance. He can hear cars honking five blocks away, the cry of a seagull way up in the clearing sky, two people arguing in the third floor of the building across the street.

Looking down to his mask clutched in his hands, Peter takes another sharp breath. The freezing air fills his lungs in an almost painful way. He's put his suit on about half an hour ago, web-shooters and everything, except for the mask. Baby steps, May told him. She hugged him fiercely when he came out of his room. He pretended he didn't see her wipe away a tear from her left cheek. He made sure no one was in the hallway and the staircase, and then he walked up to the roof. He's been standing on the edge of the building ever since.

Despite the cold, his fingertips feel like they're burning. The white eyes of his mask are staring back at him and there's a knot slowly forming in his belly the more he stares back at them. He sniffles a little, pretending it's because of the wind, blinking the wetness of his eyes away. "Come on, Spider-man," he mutters once again under his breath. He closes his eyes to get away from these empty white ones that seem to look right into his soul. How can it be so difficult?

"It's OK to be afraid."

MJ's voice resonates inside his brain and he focuses hard on it, willing the knot in his guts to go away. He can do this. Deep breath. His hands are trembling, but slowly, surely, he loosens his grip on the mask.

"Because fear is like a super power."

His shoulders are still very tensed, he takes another deep breath, imagining his lungs are balloons he has to inflate as much as possible to lighten the weight on his shoulders.

"It can make you stronger,"

Slow expiration. Turns the mask around, raises it to his face.

"faster"

Closes his eyes. The spandex is cold against his cheeks, his ears, his neck.

"cleverer."

He doesn't open his eyes. He doesn't hear anything beside the pounding of his heart.

"To doing our best."

And he jumps.

For a split second, nothing happens. Like someone pressed 'pause' on his life, he thinks. He feels nothing, hears nothing, sees nothing. He's lost in a dark void of nothing. He's been anticipating this very moment for so long that now that he's there, he doesn't even realize he's truly living it.

Then life starts again. His lungs fill with cold air, his heart pounds in his chest, his stomach twists in his belly. He's falling. He's falling.

The sensation is so overwhelmingly familiar he doesn't even have to think. His body knows exactly what to do. Muscle memory truly is fascinating. Shoot, grab, swing, release. Again. He slowly opens his eyes, a single tear finds its way out of one of them and rolls onto his cheek, freezing and burning at the same time against his skin. Shoot, grab, swing, release. He feels like his heart is about to explode. He feels like a burning energy is coursing through his veins, he feels powerful, he feels alive.

So alive.

At first, he doesn't even realize he's screaming at the top of his lungs. He swings, faster, higher, and it's absolutely exhilarating. He propels himself as high as he can, then waits until the last second of his fall to web himself up again. He hears it. People screaming down there in the streets, people recognizing the suit. His heart is still going crazy in his chest. He swings a couple more times, and then he notices it. His lips are stretched into a smile, a smile so wide his cheeks are hurting.

He did it.

He did it.

It's been a very long time since he's felt this happy.

Taking a deep breath, he propels himself on top of a huge billboard, landing on it with a back flip. The sun is entirely gone now, pink and orange slowly fading in the west. He can see the Empire State Building from here. He likes that one. Swinging in Manhattan is always a lot of fun. Tall buildings and everything. This thought makes him almost feverish, for some reason. He truly did it. Deep inside of him he knew it would only take one step. One step to put things in motion. One tiny step, one jump actually, and he's back. Spider-man is back.

He still has a long way to go to truly be back, he knows, but he's getting there. Finally. He could cry of relief right now, if he thought too much about it. Instead of doing that though, he takes a quick breath and whispers quietly: "Hey Karen."

"Good evening Peter, welcome back," the AI instantly replies, and Peter's eyes tingles because of the familiar voice in his ear.

"Hey, hey, sorry I took so long to get back to you."

"That's quite alright Peter," Karen assures, "if it makes you feel better, it didn't feel long for me at all."

"That's cool, thank you Karen," Peter smiles behind his mask, "I'm not gonna do much tonight, just swing by Ned's place I think, but –"

"If you need anything, I'm always right here, Peter," Karen finishes for him, and a weird surge of affection for her makes its way into his heart. He thanks the AI once again, and it's with an even bigger smile that he swings towards his best friend's place. Ned didn't have to move after the Blip, because his parents weren't snapped. Mrs Leeds told him losing Ned had been the worst thing her and her husband had been through in their entire life. He could understand that. A little too much. He had barely held back his tears when she'd said that. Sometimes he feels like his empathy is more of a curse than anything.

"Do you want me to call Ned before you arrive?" Karen asks him, bringing him back to a much less depressing present.

"Thanks but no, I wanna surprise him."

"Noted."

He's been to his best friend's place hundreds of times, it's with no hesitation that he drops on the fire escape's fourth floor landing. A quick glance tells him that Ned is in his room. It's night time now, and he can hear Mr Leeds in the kitchen, probably cooking some dinner, and the TV on in the living-room. He crawls on the wall above Ned's window, hanging upside down in front of it. Ned's at his desk, his back to the window so Peter doesn't know if he's doing his homework or playing with Lego. Could be both, considering the hour.

Peter bites down a smile. He cannot wait to see his friend's reaction. Man, he hopes he's not gonna shriek. If he does, Peter thinks to himself he has to be prepared to swing away so that Mr and Mrs Leeds don't see him. Bracing himself, he softly knocks on the glass, and watches as Ned's back straightens instantly. He turns swiftly on his desk chair, and his eyes and mouth widen in shock as he meets Peter's masked eyes.

Clamping both hands on his own mouth to dampen his loud gasp – Peter still hears it distinctly behind the glass, but he thinks it should not alert Ned's parents – Ned stands up and staggers to open the window. "Hey bud," Peter says joyfully, dropping to sit on the window's edge.

"Oh my god," Ned retorts breathlessly, eyes even bigger than a second before. "Peter is that you?"

Peter can't help it and bursts out laughing at that. "Of course it's me, who else could it be?!"

"Holy cow dude, you did it!" Ned's smile is as wide as ever, but luckily for Peter he's still keeping his voice low. "I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks dude, I'm happy too," he says simply, "It was about time, wasn't it?"

"This is so exciting, I can go back to being your guy in the chair!"

"Yeah I guess," Peter laughs, "although I think I'm gonna take it easy still, you know."

"Right right, yeah I totally get it, take your time dude." Ned's still smiling, and Peter nods once at him, hoping his best friend can sense how grateful he is for him.

"Alright, I'm gonna head back home now, I'll see ya tomorrow at school yeah?"

"Yup, bye Pete, say hi to May for me!" Ned agrees, and they do their handshake – not very practical when he's siting on a window's edge – then Peter swings away, smiling when he hears his best friend whispering 'awesome' as he does so. He really meant what he said about going back home, but somehow he finds himself taking another path than the faster one. It's only after a little while that he realizes why the street he's on feels familiar.

It's not so far from where May and him dropped MJ off after the charity parties. This is where MJ lives. Realizing this puts him off somehow, and he almost drops to the ground because he shots and misses the billboard he was aiming at. Idiot. Why would he unconsciously go this way, when there's a much faster way to get home from Ned's place? Yeah, he doesn't have to ask himself that question. But it's stupid. He can't stop by her place, that would freak her out. She doesn't know he's Spider-man. She doesn't know how much what she told him last night helped. She doesn't know how much he owes her.

He's still hesitating though, for some reason. A little part of him – scratch that, a large part of him wants to see her. Ask her how she is, if she had a good time last night, if she's ready to get back to school tomorrow. Thank her. Oh, but this is so irrational. He just can't do that. He doesn't even have her phone number – wow, that's sad. He could ask Karen to look it up, but no, no that's just creepy. Him standing here on that billboard just around where MJ lives is kind of creepy, too.

Wow, he really needs to get his shit together, doesn't he? Shaking his head, Peter scowls himself and just leaves, heading back home, forcing his brain not to think about MJ. When he gets to his building, he gets in by his room, taking off his mask in a swift move. He doesn't have the time to do anything else that he hears May's rushed steps, and then she's swinging the door wide open, barely holding back her gasp as she does.

She stops in her tracks, her sweet eyes fixed on him, and he smiles a shy thing, half shrugging, half nodding to the question he knows is on her mind right now. There's a beat, and then she's hugging him with a breathless laugh, and he can feel her slightly shaking against him as he hugs her back. "I'm so proud of you."

He laughs with another somehow dismissive shrug, although the smile on his lips is saying something different entirely. "Hey, can we order something? I'm starving." So they end up ordering some Chinese food, and they have a quiet night. At some point, Ned sends him a link to a compilation of tweets from people who spotted him earlier, and it makes his heart do funny things in his chest. He finishes his homework while May's watching some soapy show on TV. He finds himself thinking about MJ again, and he forces himself not to because that's just distracting. When he thinks he's finally managed to stop, May speaks up and ruins all his previous efforts:

"So, did you hear from MJ since last night?"

Damn it. "Um, no I don't, I didn't."

May nods, eyes still on the TV screen, but Peter knows she's about to ask for more, and he's right. "Did she have anything to do with you putting the suit on again today?"

Peter's pissed at himself for blushing so much at that. He pretends he's very busy with his calculus homework, hiding his face in his maths book. The only light he left on is the one from the kitchen – he doesn't need much light to see, and May's watching TV – so he's pretty sure she cannot make out his face if she looks his way. "What? I mean, no I don't think so." His mom and dad were scientists, very smart people. His uncle Ben was very smart as well, although in a more practical way Peter thinks, and May is no different. She's very perceptive. She always knows when he's not telling the truth. It's quite inconvenient sometimes.

"Hmmm… because I saw you two talking on the bleachers at some point," May says in a fake casual manner that has Peter make a face.

"Right, yeah." There's a beat, the sound of the TV show filling the living-room like some sort of white noise. "She doesn't know." Peter's not sure why he told his aunt that, and when he says it he realizes maybe it could mean something else too, so he adds: "You know, that I'm Spider-man."

"Yeah, I figured," May turns on the couch to face him with a smirk. "There is something else she doesn't know then?"

"Alright, I'm going to bed now," Peter deadpans, ignoring the cheeky smile May is giving him and grabbing all his stuff from the kitchen table.

"Love you Pete!" His aunt yells from the couch, just as he's about to close his room's door. He grumbles a 'love you' back, but he can't help his smile as he dumps his books on his desk. Checking his phone, he sees a missed phone call from Happy, and a new voicemail. He listens to it while stuffing his backpack with the things he'll need tomorrow for school - including for the first time in forever, after only half a second worth of hesitation, his Spidey suit.

"Peter, hey. Happy Hogan here. We just heard, I mean saw, I mean, yeah, anyway, Pepper, Pepper Potts told me she wanted to see you, and Morgan's been talking about you a lot these days, so yeah how about I pick you and May up this Saturday and we'll drive there what do you think? I'll just, I'll call May about this, but yeah I just, I wanted to tell you…" There's a pause, then Happy clears his throat, and Peter can sense his emotion even before he speaks. "Good job kid."

Tears well up in his eyes instantly, and he almost misses the end of Happy's message. He has to sit down on his bed for a minute after that, breathing deeply through the tempest of feelings swirling in his mind. Tony's death has been pretty hard on Happy too. They tried to talk about it a couple of times, but Peter thinks it was as difficult for Happy as it was for him. While Peter tried to distance himself with pretty much anything or anyone that reminded him too much of Tony, Happy made it his priority to always be there for Pepper and Morgan. Peter admires that about him a lot.

Hopefully he can start to do the same soon. He doesn't know Pepper much, but he's grown very fond of Morgan over the months. She likes him a lot too. They talk over the phone every now and then. Morgan loves to tell him about all the stories her dad told her about Spider-man. At first it felt like a punch in the gut whenever she talked about those, but it's been getting easier. Maybe now it wouldn't be so bad, Peter thinks. She's always so enthusiastic about everything. He likes that about her. And May is very fond of her, too.

He likes the idea of seeing her and Pepper this weekend. He sends a quick text to Happy – thinking he's a little too emotional right now to talk with him. Then he changes into his pajamas and goes to bed. He thinks back over everything that happened today, and it leaves him a little breathless to be honest. Today is January 1st, and he already has the impression he's lived an entire week into this new year. He can barely believe in the early hours of the day he was actually with MJ, dancing and having fun. He thinks back to what she told him, how it helped him out so much without her even knowing it.

It's the second time today he's tempted to tell her the truth, but he dismisses the thought instantly, frowning at himself. He cannot do that. His identity has to stay secret. He also swore to himself long ago – after Liz actually – that he would never use Spider-man to get someone to date him. Wow, even now, lying alone in bed in the dark, he can feel his stupid cheeks growing hot. Just because he's thinking about dating her, it's really getting ridiculous. He feels like an idiot, and yet thinking about her has him smile broadly, and yeah, he thinks, now he's just a happy idiot with a crush the size of the moon.

The next morning, he's somehow both excited and very nervous at the idea of seeing MJ again. He's under the impression that their friendship leveled up during the break, but he's not entirely sure what she's gonna be like now that they're back at school. Is she going to act like nothing happened? Not that anything happened per se, really. Is she gonna be friendly with Ned and him? He would have had a hard time imagining MJ being friendly before, but she'd been in such a good mood back at the party that now he knows what it's more or less like, and he isn't ashamed of admitting – to himself – that he likes it a lot. Even if it means getting relentlessly teased about pretty much anything. He doesn't mind. He likes seeing her like that, her entire face shining with amusement, the corner of her eyes wrinkled from barely holding back her smiles.

Oh wow, he's probably just overthinking everything, like he always does. Everything is gonna be fine, he just has to keep calm and…

He spots her from across the crowded hallway, and he feels like he's walking in a dream when he makes his way towards her. He stops next to her locker, sliding his sweaty hands in his jeans pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels once or twice before realizing he probably looks like an idiot and stopping. "Hey MJ."

She closes the door of her locker, and the sharp noise makes him wince for some reason. She doesn't look at him when she answers. "'Sup Parker."

And she leaves, without a glance back. Peter stays there, abashed, and watches her disappear among the crowd of students. He's shaken out of his apathy when Flash starts being a dick to him as he pretty much always is, so he walks to class and sits there, mind swirling in confusion. What was that? He has no idea what first period is about. When he gets to his mathematics class, which he's sharing with both Ned and MJ, she ignores him all the same. Ned asks him about it, and Peter just gives him a very confused look to convey how much he has no idea.

They talk about it during lunch, before she arrives. Ned tries to convince him it's probably nothing, maybe she's just tired or something, it would make sense, who in their right mind thought it would be okay to start school again on January 2nd really? Peter almost lets himself be convinced, but then she steps into the cafeteria, walks to their table, and sits at the far end of it, as far away from them as possible, and for all he knows his heart might just be broken in half because of it. She dives into her current book, and Ned and him stay silent for the rest of lunch break, which sucks.

She leaves before they do, and for the first time since they got back to school, Peter is very nervous to get to their physics class. He always looked forward to it. Now, he has no idea what to expect, and it's killing him. He's about to walk in when he hears her. Her voice. Asking someone if they would consider switching seats. It hurts, he has to admit it. But now he's more worried than anything, to be honest.

He's pretty sure everything was good between them when they said goodbye to each other after the New Year's Eve. He was sitting at the back of the car with her, Ned was on the front seat and May was driving. It was around 3 in the morning, everyone was tired. May had stopped the car in front of her building. Peter had waived goodbye to MJ, and she'd made fun of him because he'd been trying to hide a yawn while doing so. He'd liked the amused smirk she'd given him. He's pretty sure that he gets to see that particular grin only when she's teasing him. He's never seen her giving it to anyone else, and it makes his heart flutter when he thinks too much about it.

So what happened between then and now for her to ignore him like this, and even try her best not to be near him? Maybe he's stupid and gullible and everything he thought there was between them was actually in his head, but then again he doesn't even care. He just wants to know if she's okay.

He walks in the classroom, and sees her sitting at their usual table, eyes fixed on her opened book. He hesitates half a second, and then walks to his seat, heart pounding. She doesn't look up when he sets his backpack on the table, nor when he sits and starts taking his stuff out. He waits for a couple of minutes, and then takes a deep breath. "Hi." She barely acknowledges him with a 'hmm' and he frowns, fiddling with his pen. He glances towards her, and she's tensed, eyes fixed on her page, but he can see she's not actually reading. He really wishes she could talk to him, but he knows her enough by now to know that she won't until she decides to. He still needs to ask though. "Are you okay?"

He watches as she bites her lower lip, then closes her book slowly and finally meets his eyes. She looks sad and angry, and he hates it. "I'm fine, Peter," she tells him, but she blinks and looks away while saying it, and he knows she's lying. He hates that he can't do much about it.

"If you need anything I–"

"I know," she cuts him, meeting his gaze again, and there's something there, something he might think looks like gratefulness, but he's not entirely sure. Hopefully she does know. That he's there for her, if she needs him to be. "Thanks, dork."

"Anytime," he smiles, and his heart skips a beat when he sees the corners of her mouth move slightly upwards. She averts her eyes, putting on her most annoyed face, but he can feel that she's less tensed than a couple of minutes ago. Hopefully whatever that is on her mind will soon be over. And then they can go back to… what exactly, he's not sure, but he already knows he's gonna overthink the whole thing. He's much more confident and decisive when he's in the Spider-man suit, he thinks. It makes him wonder what an encounter with her would go like as Spider-man.

He almost face-palms at that thought. Why is he thinking about that again? That's a no-go and he knows it, what's wrong with him?!

I have a question for people reading this, for research purposes: do you think Peter and Liz kissed in Homecoming?

Thank you for reading!