Maybe!
The bus was crowded and hot.
She pulled off her jacket and hat, thinking what a bloody stupid idea this was, but something she would never have shied away from.
It was the second year she had done this alone. The second year since she had been alone. Been without him. She missed him so much but this helped. Helped with all the pain and the general shit storm her life had become over the past years.
She once had had it all. A man she loved, a career, respect, fun, happiness; a future. But one cruel twist of fate and she lost nearly all.
She was still clinging on to her military career with grim determination. That was the one thing out of all of this she was not going to lose.
The bus was very full. Always was for the first half of the journey, but as the terrain got tougher there were always more empty seats as each stop went by.
She let out a small giggle thinking of the first time she had made this trip.
Just the three of them. Her, Elvis and 'Charlie'.
The two boys determined to walk all the way. A long up hill, tough 10 mile hike.
With every step the boys kept promising her that the view, the destination would be worth it. So she had kept on, buoyed on by their enthusiasm and support. Never a quitter. She suffered the pain of the climb. She did it for their friendship, because it meant that much to them. She did it because she wanted to be part of their lives, as much as they wanted her to be part of theirs.
Yet it was years later during one of their annual hikes to this special place that she learned that there was a bus which they could have taken almost to the summit. Something they had skilfully failed to tell her.
She remembered the boy's guilty faces and suppressed laughter at her ire. But it didn't last. She could never be angry with these two men. She knew they adored her. She knew she had their love and loyalty. She knew they were all bonded and nothing would every break that.
Except something did. The worst thing possible did, and they would never get it back.
She had lost him. They both had. Their Elvis, and all she had left were memories, and the times that they all shared.
So this was why she still did this pilgrimaged, alone, and on this special day.
Many years ago they had done the hike together. Exhausted but exhilarated they made it to the top, taking in the vista, it was at that point Elvis had made his declaration. He earnestly told them both that if the worst was to ever happened to him this was where he would want to be remembered. Not in some grave yard, or on a military plaque, but here at the top of a steep hill in one of England's finest national parks.
He'd want his friends and loved ones to sit up here and remember the man he was, and all the good he had done.
And so that's why she came.
The place to remember him by was an easy choice.
The specific date took some more consideration. But then it came to her. Elvis had once told her, during a very drunken evening they had spent together, that the proudest day of his life had been the day he'd passed the special forces exams. When he officially became the man he had always thought he would be.
When he was alive, whether alone or with friends he would always mark this day. Always toasted himself and his achievements. Some might have seen that as egotistical; some might have seen that as the arrogance of Elvis. Yet for those who knew him, and loved him, they saw it as a true marker of how totally proud he was to serve and do his duty.
And so this was why she had chosen today. His day. His special place, on his special day.
She sat alone and watched as more visitors to the park leave the bus. All choosing the easy option. Yet she stayed on, and would go until the end. She looked at the country side slowly passing by. Excited and saddened by the journey she was making alone. The first time she had ever made the trip on the bus, but the second time she had ever made it alone.
The scenery was beautiful. The day though was wet and cold. The rain fine and saturating. She'd dressed appropriately for outdoors, but started to sweat on the long bus journey.
She had lost so much.
She missed him.
She missed them. The friendships they shared and their life together as a couple.
She missed the life he once promised her, but it was too brief before it had been all been taken away. As she dwelled on her past more tears threatened to spill out of her eyes. She bit her lip to stop them. Today they would only be happy memories, it's what Elvis would have wanted, and despite it all, the disappointments, the heart ache, she still owed him that.
Others would have thought her crazy. The loyalty she showed to a dead man. A man who both alive and in death had caused her life to dramatically change course, yet she still did.
Others thought she was crazy putting herself to so much effort two days before she was to be deployed again. Thinking she should be spending her last few days of freedom getting prepared for her six months tour, rather than sitting in a bus in the English countryside.
She knew possibly her time could be better spent. Getting everything sorted for the new team she was to join, and the new Captain she was to serve under. But still she couldn't not be here, on this day, for him.
Some things stayed the same. While others didn't, and this phase of her life was all new. Her last few tours had changed everything so much, and the Army saw that. They wanted to keep her in, accepted her mistakes, and offered her help and choices. So they moved her onwards, for her benefit, and she was happy with that. It gave her another new start. A clean slate and the ability to work with a new team, a new CO without any complications on her part infecting it all. Lines had been crossed that we're never going to be crossed again. A new opportunity had been given and this time she was going to grab it with both hands.
First though she had to say good bye to Elvis. Not forever she'd tell his memory. Just for now, just for now so she could move on. But she'd never forget him. Ever.
By now the bus was empty, all bar her, the incidental tourists had all gotten off complaining bitterly and loudly about the rain now it had started to pour. They looked at her with pity as they knew she was going further and higher than them and the weather would only get worse.
The bus started to pull away but stopped suddenly as a man jumped on. Thanking the driver as he shook himself. Attempting to allow the rivers of rains to stream off his waterproofs before he sat down.
She turned away. In no mood for conversation and attempted to gaze out of the steamed up windows.
"Hello." A voice said quietly to her side. She recognised it instantly and stilled.
A voice she hadn't heard for a long time. A voice she may or may not have ran away from. A voice from a man who had once taken her loneliness away, and offered her something. But not anymore. She'd moved on, as it was right to do so.
She didn't turn around and she could sense how nervous he was. He sat in the seat on the opposite side of the bus to her. His body leaning close to her across the aisle. His finger running through his dark brown curls and he waited for her to talk.
She knew she had to reply. They was no escape. She slowly turned but wasn't prepared for the pain her heart felt at seeing him again. As her eyes instantly latched onto his, her resolve broke at little.
The last time she had seen him he'd been in a hospital bed, barely conscious, a mess, and the memories came flooding back.
That last time she had seen him she remembered all the mistakes they had made and the hurt they had caused, and all she had wanted to do was run. And so she did. She'd left him. Not needing any further explanations or declarations from him, and she disappeared from his life as best she could.
"Hello." She slowly said. Her voice flat and weak.
He still had that ability to unsettle her. Her traitorous heart still unable to do the right thing and to stop loving him. Because she still did, she never doubted than.
"I...Shit." He began. "I never thought I'd see you again." He tried to smile but she saw the emotions on his face prevented that. "Hoped I would but..." He was still tormented by their past.
"Yeah. Well I didn't think I'd ever see you again either." She replied.
He blew out the breath he'd been holding ever since that night when he had crossed the line.
"What you doing here? You Ok?" He started again. "I mean how have you been? It's been a long time."
"Good." Was all she curtly replied. "I'm here for Elvis."
He nodded. He understood that. He was here for exactly the same reason. To remember his friend and to ask forgiveness.
"Can we talk?" He asked hopeful.
"Thought we were." She childishly replied and regretted it. She wanted to be the better person in all this.
"You know what I mean." And seeing her turn away he continued. "You left. I never saw you again. When I got home you'd gone."
"Thought it was for the best." Was her reply.
She heard the angry snort he let out and felt him move to sit right next to her in the spare space on the bus.
"For fuck sake Molly look at me please." Charles begged of her.
She shook her head and hung it low.
"You've no right to ask anything of me any more Charles. We're divorced. Remember?" Molly replied.
"Of course I do. Shit Molly please." He asked softer this time.
Yet before he could say anymore the bus came to the final stop and she angrily pushed passed him and left.
The rain had eased but still the final mile or so was a slippery muddy pathway. She knew he was heading in the same direction as her, but she also knew because of his injuries from his last tour he'd not be as fast as her. She took pleasure in this thought; in being better than him. Beating him at something. So she set off at a fast pace.
She set off without one backward glance. She'd found that was the best remedy over the years when it came to Charles James. To walk away and don't look back.
Besides she had set out on this trip alone and intended to keep it that way. He had nothing to say to her anyway that would make her change her mind.
The visibility was poor and the dampness chilled her. Pleased she dressed well. Had listened all those years ago about always being prepared for all conditions. Something actually Charles had taught her, and she marched on.
After a while her anger at seeing him again dissipated and she felt the pull on the back of her legs. Slowing down to a steady pace she risked a small look back to see if she could see Charles. As expected there was no sign of him, nor of anyone else. Molly had walk too fast for Charles and his limp to compete with.
Eventually she reached her goal. The very top of the world as Charles and Elvis used to say. The area they always had come to. Their spot.
The place was totally deserted and the view poor. But that didn't make it less special, and even though she could see the weather was changing for the worst, still she stayed.
She had things to say to Elvis and secretly she hoped that Charles would eventually catch her up. Join her once more.
She poured herself a cup of tea and sat down on a rock. Toasting the air to her departed friend's memory. She spent a while in contemplation, but too soon the wind wiped up and the rain poured down she packed up to leave. Briefly wondering if Charles had been too scared to join her. Her anger and coldness towards him proving to her that he was now the weak spineless coward she'd always believed him to be in her moments of anger.
The decent was awful. Slow. Uneven and rocky. Thick mud and poor light. She knew there would be no return bus home. Had expected that, so she pulled her hood on tighter and lowered her head to the insulting rain and howling wind.
She almost didn't hear it. A normal person would have missed it, but her body still was tuned to his needs and sounds.
It was very faint at first but as she got closer she heard it loudly.
"Molly. Help. Please."
And then she saw him. Lying there.
Her heart broke at the pitiful sound. A sound she had heard once before, and it broke her heart then too.
Immediately she rushed over to him.
"What the hell Charles?" Molly said gently as her eyes flicked over him as she assessed him instantly.
"My knee." He puffed out. "My right bloody knee," She could see in his face the pain he was in, but bravely tried to hide it.
"Why didn't you call for help? Use your phone?" She asked kneeling beside him and unzipping the leg of his hiking trousers up.
She winced as she saw the dark purple swelling around his knee cap and the misshapen lump.
"Smashed the bloody thing as I fell." He grunted out. "Knew you'd be back. Knew you'd help."
He reached out to touch her shoulder and just managed to do so. She looked to him from her task and gave him a shy smile. It felt so familiar.
"Of course I would." Her voice didn't disguise the emotion his touch brought her. Then louder she offered. "You and this bloody leg Charles." She said shaking her head.
He laughed with little with happiness and nodded. Watching her pull her phone out and dial for help.
"I can't move you." Molly explained, and unconsciously brushed her hand over his curls that were soaked to his head. "Called for help. They'll be here in about twenty minutes."
She moved around to try to shelter him more from the rain. Rummaged through her back pack for a drink and offered it to him.
He watched her intently.
"So have a good chat?" He asked. Nodding his head to the hill she had just come down.
"Yeah." She admitted sitting down close to him, and said nothing as he shuffled slightly to move closer to her.
She enjoyed his contact and fooled herself that it was what was best for warmth in these conditions.
"So come on then?" He asked. "What did you make for him this year."
He looked at her closely and watched a small smile creep across her face. She felt ridiculously happy that he still remembered.
"Chocolate crispy cornflakes cakes." She replied.
He let out a small laugh and one of his amazing smiles. Then leaning forward slightly and looking into her eyes with that stern look of his, he continued his questioning.
"So come on then! What else?" He asked.
"What I don't know what you mean!" She pretended to be affronted. Rummaging in her bag for some more water to give him.
"I know you Molly James." He said slipping up and using her married name once again. "You always spoiled him. Him being dead isn't going to stop you."
She smiled. He was right.
Every year they had done this hike she was the one in charge of providing energy snacks for them all. Charles used to moan that cakes and cookies were not what they should be indulging in for their energy, but secretly he loved it. Besides he was out voted. Elvis adored her treats.
Molly, from very early on in their relationship, used to spoil Charles too with her baking skills. Often sending him home made goodies in his care packages when he was on tour. They were the highlight of his days, when he received these treats and a letter was always included.
"Double chocolate chip cookies too." She admitted with a wide smile on her face. "They were his favourites."
"Mine too." Charles reminded her, and both stayed silent for a while.
Whenever she did this hike she still baked for it. Always brought enough for three. Always eating hers with her flask of tea at the top, as she did today, and always leaving one behind on a rock. That was Elvis' goodie. A silent offering to her lost friend. The third one, which was packed for Charles, for the past two years had always been sadly stowed back into her haversack and thrown away when she got home.
"I know." Was all she simply said.
The wind started to grow stronger and they both felt the cold and wet saturate through their layers.
"Shouldn't be too long now." She reassured him as she watch minute by minute the swelling to his leg increasing. She knew a rupture knee was painful and wished that she had some painkillers stronger than paracetamol in her pack.
Still she rummaged for them and offered them to him.
"So any spare?" He asked hopeful.
She knew instantly he wasn't referring to anything but her treats. She shook her head in wonder, at how after all this time he still knew her.
"Come on then Dawes." He tried again. Flashing a killer smile that even in the dimming light she could still see, and feel the effects of.
She shrugged her shoulders.
"If you have I'll adore you forever." He began and then stopped as he remembered the history that went with such a line.
He looked sad and she realised for the first time too how hurt he was by it all. That it wasn't just her. They had both lost so much.
She gave another rummage in her pack and offered him the cookie she had brought just for him. Never once believing that this time she'd actually give it to him.
"Oh excellent." He thanked her and started to devour it immediately. "Perfect." He praise her with pure happiness in his voice.
She let him savour it for a while. Watching him chew and delight in her baking efforts.
She realised then it had been a long time since she had seen him happy. A long time, months and months before he left on that tour of betrayal, that she had seen him smile. Watching him now she admitted to her bruised heart how good it was.
She couldn't help herself. There were too many memories flying around her head and heart. She had to speak.
"He was my mate too you know? It weren't just you and Georgie who lost him." She said and regretted it instantly.
The happiness falling from his face, hurt her, and the chewing stopped.
He simply nodded and he felt her move away from him. Standing, pretending she was looking down the trail for the lights of the rescue vehicle.
"I fucked up." Was all he could simply say. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah. You did." She simply said keeping her back to him.
"Believe me Molly. I'm so sorry." He said gently. "I've wanted to say that to you for such a long time. If I could make it right... you know I would."
She turned and took him in. The cookie she had made him now resting on his leg, slowly being dissolved by the rain.
"You have. You know that's not the first time you ever said that to me." She replied and watched the confusion on his face.
"I don't understand?" Charles asked.
He knew she knew of his crimes. Had heard that she had found out, but he never knew how. So few people did know.
"After the jump" She saw his eyes spring open with surprise. "They allowed me to visit you in the hospital. Flew me out there. You were pretty out of it. You told me then what you'd done. You and Georgie. And then you asked for me to forgive you."
"What? You came to me?" He stammered out. "I never knew. Molly honest."
"Nah. You were out of it mate." She nodded. "Stronger pain killers than paracetamol. I spent two days by your bedside. Two day being broken hearted."
"Molly I ..."
"Two days and two nights I sat with you. Listened to you tell me you'd crossed the line with her and you were sorry. 48 hours of no sleep and constant worry about your bloody leg. Even then all I wanted was for you to get through. To get better."
"No one said." He said and felt the emotion rise in his throat. "I never knew."
"I guessed not." Molly admitted. "None of the rest of the section saw me. Those with you in the hospital were pretty messed up too."
"Why did you never say?" He asked leaning forward.
She squatted in front of him and held onto his good leg to steady herself.
"What could I say? Guess we had separated. Well at least in words. You'd made it clear months and months before that you didn't want me."
"Shit Molly. No." His eyes filled. All this time she'd been hurting. Believing that he didn't love her. Didn't want her.
"I never stopped. Not once." He shook his head so strongly rain drops flew off.
"Really?" She asked with disgust. "Cause when your husband bangs someone else whilst on tour. Someone who you used to call a friend. It kind of suggests that." She said angrily.
He dramatically flopped back into the side of the tree that had been supporting him.
"You left." He said. "I came back to the UK and you never visited and when I got back to our home you'd gone."
"You left me first." She said childishly. "All those days and nights you wouldn't talk to me. Let me in. Let me help."
"I wanted to." He replied painfully.
"Yeah? Don't believe you Charles. I just don't fucking believe you."
He ran his hands though his hair and watched her. She paced angrily away from him. Even though her back was turned he knew she was crying.
"I bloody needed you. I wanted someone to turn to. I missed the stupid bugger too." She sobbed. "And you never not once held me or comforted me."
"I wanted to. I just couldn't." He said quietly.
"You know how much it hurt? Still does, to see you turn to the Army and then to her. Away from me each and every day."
"I'm sorry. So very sorry." Charles repeated.
"Yeah. You've said." She sneered. "Too little and too fucking late though."
"I have no excuses. Not anymore." He laughed at the irony of the situation. "Nearly two years in therapy has taught me that whatever happens I can't be excused for what I did to you. To us."
"Therapy?" Molly asked surprised. "You?" It was the last thing she had expected.
"Yeah." He nodded. "Was forced into it." And she noticed a touch of shame.
"What? Did you and Lane get caught?"
"No." He replied. "Apart from the therapist, but that's confidential, I don't think anyone ever found out. But we. I mean Georgie and I hated ourselves, and possibly each other, after that night."
Molly said nothing.
"Think when we jumped I figured ..." He stopped here and drew a large breath. "Well I wouldn't have exactly been sorry if I hadn't come out of it."
"What?" She looked shocked as she once again moved closer to him. Still a distance away but at least not too far.
"Maybe I wanted to die." He said simply. "I'd messed everything up. Lost you. Lost Elvis. Lost the privilege of ever holding you again. Lost me."
"So what happened?" She asked and saw the horror on his face. "Nah I don't mean between you and her. You explained that to me pretty well from you hospital bed. I mean after the jump."
His shoulders sagged.
"I knew that I needed help. Needed you... but before I could even consider that, I needed me to be me again."
"And?" She asked.
"I'm getting there Molly. It takes time." He slapped his hand down angrily. "It's not as easy to sort your nut out as you think." He replied.
"I know." She snorted. "Went a bit off kilter too after we ended."
She saw the shock on his face.
"No. I never slept with anyone like you did."
She watched him sigh with relief.
"But I did mess with my new CO's head a bit. Got a bit gobby and that."
Charles laughed.
"Yeah I heard about that."
"You did? Shit. How?" She asked.
"Still loved you. Still thought about you every day. You're the reason I'm still trying. So I still wanted to know about your world and everything in it. So I made it my business to know."
"Loved me?" She checked his words out.
"Love you." Charles stressed earnestly. Opening up his heart to her. "Always will."
They remained silent for a while. Neither knew what to say after that. Avoiding each other's eyes.
"And you?" He eventually asked. "Did you... you know... after us... get with anyone?" No matter how hard he tried he never found this out about her life.
She whipped her head up.
"That's none of your bloody business Charles." She snapped back.
She didn't know why it made her angry but it did. She wished she could have told him that once they ended she had got on with her life. That she had found someone else. That she had enjoyed every moment without him, but she couldn't. She'd missed him. Pined for him, still did. In fact the past half an hour in his company had been a stark reminder as to how much she still loved him.
"No sorry. It's not." He said quietly. "Sorry."
Again silence started between them and Charles was the one who broke it.
"So what now? With you I mean. What's happening?"
"Off on tour after the weekend." She said accurately and watched as there was a wave of pride cross his face. She was still being the solider he had always been proud of.
"A Sergeant now I hear too?" He nodded. "Away long?"
"Six months. Relief mission. Africa." Was all Molly said.
It was then they heard the vehicle engine approaching and Molly stood and waved to get their attention.
Within no time he was taken away. No further conversation to be had, and Molly refused the offer to travel back down with him. Wanting time on her own to think about the afternoon she'd had with him. The first time in a long time where they had talked. Nothing too deep, nothing resolved, but it was better than it had been.
Just before the doors were closed she popped her head inside and gave him a smile that wasn't accurate. She tried to be cheerful, but wasn't. Molly was sad to be parting from him.
"Take care." She said. "Look after that bloody leg."
He laughed.
"You too. Stay safe, and maybe one day we could talk? Properly." He looked at the offending leg. "Preferably without me lying on my arse with a busted leg!"
"Maybe." She offered back. "Maybe."
"Thank you." He said as she stood by the doors.
"Just doing what I do." She said humbly. Praise never really sat easy with Molly. Whoever it was from.
"I didn't just mean for helping." He said. "I meant for listening to me. For giving me some time. I've a long way to go, but seeing you today... well it was great to see you Molly."
She smiled at him and honestly said.
"Yeah it was good to see you too Charles."
He beamed at her. Half lying half sitting. Straining to keep her in his vision for as long as possible.
"I was wondering, I mean. The thing is..." He stuttered.
She raised an eyebrow. Remembering how once before he'd been shy and cute about asking her something.
"Well...could I write to you?" He asked. "When you're away? On tour?"
She hadn't expected that.
She hadn't expected how fast the answer came from her lips either. His letters to her when they were apart had been her favourite thing.
"Yes." Molly said a bit too loudly.
Yet Charles didn't mind. He smiled. His beautiful smile. His happy smile.
"Thank you." He grinned back. "Thank you Molly."
And then he was gone.
Doors closed and the rescue team pulled away leaving her alone. The only evidence that they had just spent the past half an hour in each other company was the trodden grass and a half eaten cookie by the trail side.
She silently moved and picked up it up and place it lovingly back into her backpack container.
Tonight she'd take it home, but maybe, just maybe, this time she wouldn't throw it away.