Maybe

Chapter 3

The pub was very full and very noisy. She wanted to be anywhere but here if she was totally honest, but she had promised. She had been asked so many times that it was now almost impossible to say no.

A whole month had passed since she had returned from her tour, and the offers had been constant. She knew she needed to mix with them. Needed to bond outside the professional zone, so reluctantly she had finally agreed.

Her team were a good team, young and enthusiastic. They played hard and worked hard. Molly liked that. They reminded her of her first section. The famous 2 section, and that was probably why she was so cautious about fully depending on them for friendship. She had been burned like that once before. She had found, once upon a time, very quickly when things go wrong work friends can sometimes be your enemies more than your friends.

That's what had happened with 2 section. They were hers. They were her and Charles'. They were a loyal and close knit group.

Then changes happened. New faces came on board that she didn't know quite as well, new experiences were shared that didn't include her, and new fun was to be had that she missed out on.

Slowly the bonds of friendship un-wound as far as her and 2 section were concerned, and she started to feel an outsider. Get togethers became less frequent, and when they did happen she couldn't join in as she used to. She was the Bossman's wife to many of them, and they treated her with distance and respect rather than true friendship. And so it was inevitable when her and Charles broke they stayed loyal to him.

That was when she had to start finding new friends, independent of who she once was, what her role once was, and what her past had been.

She'd been fairly successful in that, and had a handful of friends she called hers, and she called loyal. So she wasn't looking for more, and she certainly wasn't looking for them in her new section. But still she knew she had to try and show, at least a degree of friendship to them, outside office hours.

"You came?" He said with utter happiness as he moved closer to her almost as soon as she entered the door.

She smiled back and nodded her head. Her heart sinking as she saw the wild grin on his face as he greeted her.

He placed his hand on her lower back and manoeuvred her through the crowds to the section of the busy pub where the rest of the team was at. She felt uncomfortable at such an intimate gesture. His hand place protectively on her back, but for now she didn't shrug it off. She just allowed it to happen.

Her arrival was greeted with genuine happiness and people welcomed her and made a fuss. Pleasantries were exchanged and she joined in the game of socialising. She even found as the night went by she started to have fun, and was happy she came. The alcohol started to do its magic and she finally felt that happy balance between control and relaxation. She laughed. She told stories, past experiences, that amused the group. She skilfully skipped over though any intrusive questions about her past, and once in a fit of true bravery she even got up to dance.

She had fun, but he was never far from her mind, and he was never far from her physically. Every time she moved, went to the bar, left for the loo, he seemed to be there. Checking she was ok. Asking her if she was having fun. Desperately trying to get her to engage in a conversation with just him, and him alone.

She resisted. It wasn't fair to encourage him at this point, but he was determined. And slowly as the night when on she softened her resolve. Soften her previous views of him and relationships all together.

Yet it still took her by surprise, as when she stood waiting for her taxi home, he waited with her. Close and soft in his attendance.

For a while it felt nice. Being up close and the focus of someone's attention. Hearing nice things said about her, and someone trying hard, so very hard to win her again. Molly wasn't ashamed to admit it she enjoyed it.

But then he leaned in and kissed her. Delicately and briefly. Unsure if his advances were welcomed. And it shocked her.

"Sorry." Was all he offered as he pulled back and she felt sorry that her face had betrayed her feelings so obviously. "I didn't mean to. Well I did... I just thought..."

She looked at him. He was a good man. A nice man and she had known he had fancied her for a long time.

"It's ok." She smiled and squeezed his hand in a friendly gesture. "Don't worry."

And then she jumped into her taxi and cruelly left him alone on the kerbside reeling in his stupidity and her actions.

She relaxed once alone in the cab. Happy she'd have time to compose her thoughts before she was met with the inevitable third degree from any of the flat mates that were still up. Molly going out socialising was a rare occurrence and she knew interests were piqued.

She thought back on the man she had just left behind and smiled.

Bill. His name was Bill.

He was a good man. She knew that. A nice man. A kind man.

He was the civilian doctor that had accompanied them on their last six months tour. She had worked with him every day for that past six months, and she enjoyed his company and tutorage. He'd been someone she had depended upon and someone she had trusted.

As the days, months, went by she knew he was becoming more than interested in her than just as a work colleague. There were little hints, little gestures that showed he was more than interested in her than for her role as section Medic.

But she knocked him back. Never going to break her first golden rule. That was never, ever, ever to get involved with anyone related to work ever again. And so she didn't, and wouldn't.

Yet now they were back home and things were possibly different.

Four months on since she had received Charles' letter and one month on since Bill no longer worked with them or the section.

He was now working back in his NHS role and their paths would most likely not cross again. Tonight had sort of been his farewell party, and that was why she guessed he had taken his chance with her.

So as the taxi pulled up outside her flat door she realised that there was nothing stopping them anymore. Nothing what so ever in stopping her moving on. Nothing stopping her from giving this Bill a go.

Except there was.

It surprised her, but didn't disappoint her, as she entered the flat that there was no welcome home party. The place was in darkness and silence. Her curious flat mates more interested in their beds than her for now. So she made her way quietly to the kitchen and filled a glass of water for herself and made her way to her room.

The thoughts of the night buzzing around her head as she slowly got undressed and settled down for a night of sleep and reflection.

It suited her but she had really expected to hear from him sooner. That he would the following day, or the day after text her. Yet he didn't. Bill stayed silent, and the weeks passed and she heard nothing from him at all. She presumed therefore that she had given him the message loud and clear that she wasn't interested. But now that she had done that she wondered if that was what she really had wanted.

Molly felt lost. She stared at the dog eared white envelope that was normally hidden in her dressing table draw, and knew that was the reason why. The reason why she just didn't know. The reason why her life seem to be on hold.

It had been four months, one week, six days and seven hours since she had received that letter and still she hadn't opened it. And still she didn't know if she was ever going to. Unsure if what he had to say would make any difference. Unsure if his words would change anything...or everything.

Charles finished his run and looked at his watch. He was desperate. It was three hours until he'd allow himself to check his personal e mails and messages. It had been this way for months, but he made sure he was sticking to the schedule, the routine he so desperately needed. Not straying once, despite his need, to check almost every five minutes to see if Molly had messaged him in some way.

He'd expected her to have done so once she had read the letter. The letter had asked her too. Yet she hadn't, and if he was honest with himself he understood why, and knew he had been expecting too much. Yet still he had hope.

"Would you have forgiven her." Tina had once asked him. "If she had been unfaithful to you Charles?"

"Yes." He answered back straight away. "Well... maybe. That is I don't know."

"How would you have felt Charles?" Tina asked calmly. "If you had heard from a fellow colleague that Molly has slept with Elvis? A close friend? Or anyone?"

"Hurt. Angry. Sad." He sat forward in his seat. Then running his hand angrily through his hair he spat back. "I don't know do I? I just don't know how I'd fucking feel."

Tina has said nothing. Just slowly sat back in her chair. He noticed a semi smug grin on her face as he calmed down.

"And that's exactly how Molly feels." She wisely said. "You expect too much."

Charles drew in his breath as he practiced some breathing techniques to focus him back.

"Thought you'd be on my side." He said sulkily. "That you'd understand."

"I don't take sides." Tina warned him. "I'm here for you. To help. That's all."

"Well I thought. You know you'd want Molly to answer my letter." He tried again. "Closure. That's what you lot call it isn't it? Closure? That's what this is meant to be about though isn't it? Me finding closure?"

Tina smiled wisely and leaned forward and she closed her note book. A sure sign that their session was over.

"But that's not what you want though is it Charles?" She stared directly at him. "Closure? You're not after that with Molly. You're after a second chance."

Charles could only stare at her as he rose to leave.

She was right.

Annoyingly so.

He wanted Molly back.

He stood with his hand on the door and asked one more question before he left.

"So is it wrong for me to want that?" He asked Tina. "A second chance? Can't I have hope?"

Tina stared up at him from her desk where she was now looking through the notes of her next client. She considered the man standing in front of her. The man she had been seeing for over 18 months and had made so much progress along the way. Progress in how he had confronted his demons, his mistakes and his past. Yet still the loss of Molly was the one thing he couldn't let go of and move forward on. She knew he would never give up on the woman he used to call his wife.

"No Charles." She shook her head. "No hope is good. But reality is even better."

He looked at her and his brow knitted together in questioning.

She continued. "It not for me to answer that question is it? It's up to Molly...but reality Charles..." She looked directly at him. "The reality maybe that Molly can't or won't give you a second chance. Maybe there is no hope."

He nodded briefly and attempted a painful smile at her, but she saw the hurt in his eyes. Then he turned on his heels. Stiff, formal, straight. The perfect picture of external control, and then he left.

"Thanks for coming." He said shyly. Unsure how now to behave around her. It had been a while.

Molly smiled back.

"No problem."

"I didn't think you would." He admitted. "You know because of before and that."

She just smiled. She had no words. Things were just on the wrong side of awkward and she didn't want to mess this up.

Meeting him was important. Important to her. Important to the life she had to choose to live.

It had been many weeks and still she didn't hear anything from him. For a while if she was honest he fell out of her daily thoughts.

So that when he did contact her she had been surprised.

She listened to his news, his gossip, and then finally after minutes of his shakily talking to her he asked if they could meet. A date.

It had taken Molly only seconds to agree. Shocking even herself with her reply.

As the time got closer to meet she surprisingly found that she didn't actually regret her decision to see him again. She found that she had started, to a very smell degree, to actually look forward to it. So when the day of the meet up arrived, she was a little nervous, and excited too.

She made an effort and as she had crossed the room of the fancy coffee house he had suggested, she had time to appraise him and why she was there.

She was there because she needed to move on. She was there because whatever Charles had done she could not let that define her for the rest of her life. She was there because she was tired of being sad.

She wanted to love again.

"You look lovely." He smiled. A degree of confidence starting to come to his voice now she had arrived. "Beautiful." He stood and placed a wet kiss on her cheek.

She accepted the compliment, and for once enjoyed it. "Thank you." She said demurely.

"So how have you been." He asked as he played with his coffee. "All good?"

"Great." She replied. "You?" Painfully aware that they were being ultra polite with one another.

She knew she needed to try harder.

He was the one so far that had done all the chasing. If that's what you could call it. He was reserved in his pursuit of her, but that had shown her though he had at least wanted to try. She was very much aware that she may have batted his attempts away to many times, so she appreciated his nerves.

"Come." She offered, standing and holding out her hand. "I think we need something stronger than this. Let's go to the pub."

Bill stood up immediately and grabbed her hand and offer. Enjoying her taking the initiative.

"Think that's the best offer I've had all day." He grinned back and happily allowed himself to be dragged out of the shop by her and her enthusiasm.

The date with Bill turned out to be everything that she had wanted. And knew exactly how it would and wouldn't be. The alcohol helped them both relax considerably. The friendship that had started on tour continued and they both felt that little glimmer of a spark.

Molly at one stage during the evening even found herself smiling without effort and without pain. Something that she had long ago lost. She was enjoying herself, and was happy to discover that everything she had suspected about Bill was true.

He was a good bloke and she had done right by accepting his offer to meet up.

He had story after story that kept her amused. Tale after tale from his past that made her laugh, and he listened too. He asked and wanted to know all. He made her feel appreciate again.

Bill was a northerner with a wicked sense of humour and the ability to get into the oddest situations ever known to man. A dedicated Doctor, a reasonable sportsman, and someone who up until now could only be seen as a good 'un', as her Nan used to say. Though even on that note her Nan had at least once been wrong.

He was tall-ish, but not neck breakingly tall like Charles had been. He was intelligent too, and well educated, but didn't have the posh twang that Charles relished, and often played upon. He, like her, came from a big family, and appreciated everything he had achieved and had gained in life. Kind and good looking too. Quieter and reserved than her, hesitant at times, but for now that only added to his appeal.

In short Molly knew he was a catch. She was surprised he wasn't already taken, but happy he wasn't as he was the perfect person for Molly to be with in the new direction she was wanting to take her life into. She liked him.

As the date ended he saw her to her front door and momentarily Molly wanted to invite him in. Then stopped herself.

"I had a nice time tonight Bill." She offered. Slightly wobbly on her feet.

"Me too." He pulled her in to him to keep her warm from the evening chill. "I'd like to do it again sometime." He asked hopefully.

"Me too." She smiled into his chest as she rested her head there. Amazed that it felt so comfortable.

For a long time she had imagined that Charles' body would only ever be the perfect match for her, but standing here with him she felt that maybe she was wrong. She felt comfortable with Bill. Enjoyed the nearness of his solid body.

"So?" Bill dipped his head and pulled a tender kiss from her lips. "Can I call you? Arrange another date?"

She knew he was waiting for her to answer, but she kept her eyes shut for a moment longer. Holding on to the first proper kiss she'd had in a long time. The first kiss she had in a very long time that wasn't from her husband. It was nice.

"Molly?" He asked and broke her moment of savouring.

"Yes. Yes I'd like that a lot."

And then because she felt brave. Because she was slightly tipsy, and because she was sick of standing still, she pulled Bill down to her and kissed him with passion.

Her hands locked around the back of his head. Her mouth began to wildly explored his. Her body pushed itself up against his. She felt the very early but definite beginnings of a spark.

But then she felt nothing in return.

She knew she had shocked him. She felt his resistance momentarily, but still she clung onto him. Still she tried to tempt his cooperation in their kiss.

Eventually though his half-hearted participation caused her to pull away.

"Sorry." She said meekly. "Too much I guess?"

"Crap. No Mols." Bill laughed and stroked her face. "Just think we should leave it here?"

"Oh?" She felt the sting of tears biting behind her eyes. Realising she may have been too forward.

"Well you're a bit drunk." He explained. Cutting off all hope. "Let's take it slowly. Yeah?"

"Yeah." She agreed with him. Nodding her head making out like the perfect idea had just been proposed. But deep down fearing if it was not now, when she was tipsy, when would she ever have the confidence to be so forward again.

Yet she did. Have the confidence that was. She kept on going at trying to find a new life for herself.

Bill, thankfully was a persistent suitor and kept courting her. Old fashioned in many ways. They slowly started with getting to know one another as the weeks and months past.

They saw each other weekly, then twice weekly and soon she found she was dating again. Properly dating. Her Friday and Saturday nights now revolved around one man all over again.

Molly found that she enjoyed it. Enjoyed how she was building on learning about the man that was Bill. At times she felt so relaxed in is company, and appreciated that he placed no pressure on her.

Yet there were other times she disliked it. Disliked it immensely. Feeling that moving on, forgetting Charles was all tied up in getting a bit more serious, more physical with Bill, and pushing their relationship from the very friendly friendship zone they were in, into the intimate lovers zone they definitely weren't in.

She tried several times to move them on towards something more physical, but each time she came away disappointed. And rejected.

It wasn't that she was just after sex, though she did miss it. She'd gone without it for more than two years. Three really, so she knew she could cope. It was just that she was curious to give it a go again.

The sex life her and Charles had shared was nothing more than short of amazing during their happy times. Frequent, surprising and totally liberating for her; a girl who up until meeting Charles had really only experienced sex as some type of basic act of satisfaction and reward. Never before had she experienced that sex could be so wound up in love, trust and commitment. It had been an education. It had been amazing, which is why it wasn't just the emotional distance that he placed between the when things were going wrong that hurt, but the physical one too. She lost out on all levels, and mourned them all. He had been her everything.

She wasn't expecting that though from Bill. She wasn't expecting the fireworks and bone melting experience that her and Charles shared. She knew she'd probably never find that again. Yet she wanted to try. As Bella poetically told her often enough that she needed 'to get back on the horse to see if the ride is worth it'!

She owed it to herself to try. Still Bill resisted no matter how hard she tried. She wasn't throwing herself at him, but she did make her intentions clear on several occasions.

"I'm old fashioned I guess." He admitted one night as he walked her home, after she had raised the point about him eventually stopping over. "I want you to be sure."

Molly blushed. She had really wanted to know. Keen to find out why.

Aware that since that very first half drunken attempt at seducing him she had made sure on all her dates she was more controlled. More reserved. Just like him. More careful with what she drank. She didn't want any more reasons to give him more excuses to say no to her.

"It's ok." She lied. "I understand." Though in all honestly it was alien to her.

Every man she had ever been with, including Charles, had been a passionate red blooded male who whenever she offered always accepted.

But not Bill. She did at times leave his company frustrated. Confused. Unsure. She was attracted to him. He stirred a little something in her she had long forgotten. So she was keen to make this work.

It wasn't that she was desperate to have sex with him. It would be nice to have sex with him, but it was more the fact that once they did have sex then she would be able to say once and for all she had moved on. Prove to herself and others that Charles James was behind her. He'd hurt her, but he hadn't injured her so badly that she gave up.

She had to forget Charles, and the life she once had. By having a fully mature relationship again she'd be able to say to all that asked. Yes This is me Molly Dawes. I've moved on.

"I like you Mols. I really do, and God it's hard saying good bye each and every time we say good night." He turned to her as they stood outside her flat door. "I just want you to want me as much as..."

"As much as what?" She asked fearfully. They had never talked a lot her past before and she worried he knew.

"As much." He looked around for confidence. She felt his hands shake as they held hers. He choked out the next words. "As much as I want you." He blushed furiously and dropped his head. Unable to maintain eye contact.

"Oh." She giggled. Then the small shot of fear instantly washed away from her. She understood.

It was then seeing him standing there so unsure of himself that she realised. Yes he was old fashioned and gentleman like, but in today's world that only went so far. It wasn't those principles that were holding him back. It wasn't that at all. It was that he was shy.

Confident in almost everything else in his life, but when it came to the ladies he was shy. His lack of past loves, past relationships all became perfectly understandable now to Molly.

This made Molly happy. As though she was helping him with his issues as much as he'd be helping her. Maybe, she figured, it was time for her to take control of more than just her life.

"I do like you Bill." And she saw he was brave enough to look at her again.

She turned and opened the door to her empty flat.

Looking at him over her shoulder she held out her hand in the dimly lit hall way.

He took it and once again allowed Molly Dawes to lead him onwards.

Onwards into her flat and upwards towards her bedroom. Onwards to a room he had never visited before.

Onwards into her bedroom where the letter that Charles had written over seven months ago lay, sealed and unread by her, and maybe always would.