Maybe
Chapter 5
He stood there nervously and ran his hand through his hair in an attempt to flatten it. A family trait, he knew that. Just like the curls he had on his head that were now whipped up with the wind as soon as he had done so. He hated his curls at times. They always behaved the opposite of what he wanted, even when he was smart in his uniform, and tonight he felt even more annoyed as he wanted to look right. Tonight he wanted to look pulled together, in control, assured, even though he knew he wasn't.
He knew he had to do this. He had to say thank you for what she had done the other day. For how she had helped. Without her things could have been so different.
He stood outside of Molly's flat door. He'd known where she had lived for a long time. Privy to that piece of information she had obviously thought she had kept a secret from them. He had just never visited before. Never brave enough. Never sure just how welcome he'd be.
On his way over he wondered many times how she'd receive him. Worried what she'd say, with him just turning up like this. Turning up unannounced as he was doing tonight. He expected surprise, then possibly her anger, but he knew he'd also see the disappointment in her eyes once again. The disappointment he'd seen from her before, and that was going to hurt him more.
Bravely he knocked. It wasn't late and he still expected her to be up. The light to the hallway suddenly turned on and he heard her footsteps approach the door. He had waited longer than usual because it was only two days since he had last seen her and he guessed her ankle would still hurt. Would slow her down. The last time he had seen her walk away was outside the Police station and she struggled. He didn't expect her to be any better.
He accepted, wisely so, he'd taken a huge chance coming here, but he really needed to see her again. Nothing could stop that. He wanted to explain what he did. Why he did it. Hoping she'd listen.
The door opened and he saw her shocked face at seeing him again. She did nothing to hide it from him.
"Sorry Molly." Were his opening words. Words that he knew she had heard so many times before. So many times from him too.
"Come in." She said with little emotion. Poking her head out to look down the street. Unsure what she was looking for, but expecting more.
He allowed her to slowly lead them into the empty sitting room, and as she stopped and turned, he didn't wait. He launched himself into her arms and tears flooded down his face as she fiercely hugged him back.
"You daft bugger." She smiled out behind her watery eyes, blaming hers partly on her cold. Then pulling herself together, asked. "Why?"
He moved himself away from her and sat himself down to where she had pointed. It was a question he expected she was always going to ask him. And so he had prepared his answer. He needed her to understand.
"Cause I was stupid. Cause I didn't think." He admitted. "Cause I wanted to impress my mates. Cause I didn't know any better."
"Sam." She said slowly to the young man who stood in front of her, a warning tone to her voice. "You're nearly an adult. You can't do stuff like that anymore." She said as she heavily landed next to him on the sofa. Choosing at this point not to bring up all the other stupid things he had done in his young life that she knew of, and there had been quite a few.
He nodded at her words, but said nothing more.
"So come on then what's your Dad said?" She asked.
She smiled at him as she raised her legs up on the pouffe and relaxed back. She wanted to be his friend. In all their time together she never once had wanted to be the one he wouldn't turn to, he already had two real parents for that, so she purposely tried to keep it friendly.
"He's said quite a lot." Mumbled Sam. "Hasn't stopped."
"I bet he hasn't." Nodding. Then as a thought struck her she turned to look at him. "He's been ok with you though hasn't he?" Knowing for while Charles and Sam's relationship had been a tricky one. Their relationship had suffered just like her and Charles' had.
"Of course." Sam said nervously biting his fingernails. Nodding his head vigorously. "Mum on the other hand went ballistic."
They shared a conspiratorial laugh, then another thought struck her.
"How did you get here? How did you know where I lived?" She asked.
He saw panic in her eyes and her head moved towards the door. She sat up, on guard. When she had first moved to the area she was aware that Rebecca had moved to London too, and ironically now lived reasonably close by, but until today she had never expected any of their paths to cross. Now with Sam being here she feared they would. She was ready for a confrontation.
"It's ok Molly." Sam caught her looking. "Dad doesn't know where I am or where you live. Bella gave me your address months ago. Said you wouldn't mind."
"Course I don't." Relief washed over her and she squeezed his arm, brushing over the lie, and the anger she felt. "You're my favourite step son after all." She teased, but made a mental note to have a word with Bella about her interfering in her life once again.
"Molly I'm your only step son." Sam giggled showing the youthfulness of him still. Happy not to suffer her unhappiness with him too. Then guiltily he added. "I've never told anyone else. Got the bus here."
She leaned across and held his hand.
"It's ok." She said. "It's ok honestly. I ain't hiding from your Dad anymore." She knew though that wasn't the full truth.
"That's good to know." His face relaxed.
"But your Mum, or your Dad do know approximately where you were heading?" She continued with her asking.
"Well yes and no." He hung his head low. "Sometimes Mum doesn't ask, and sometimes Dad asks too much."
She studied the young man in front of her. Sorry that their relationship had suffered too. She genuinely cared for him. Loved him, and missed him. Watching him now she realised she wasn't the only one who had their world sadly altered by Charles and his actions.
"You and your Dad getting on ok though?" She tried to catch his eyes.
He now turned to her, playing with his shoe lace as he leaned over, studying his feet. He behaved so much like his father at times she thought.
"Oh yes." He nodded enthusiastically, and Molly knew he wasn't lying. "Really well. It's great... now."
She smile and bumped shoulders with him. "I'm glad." And she really was. Sam deserved a good Dad. The good Dad he used to have.
"He had it hard. I think?" Sam said. "He didn't say much at first but then... when you and him. Well Mum told me not to ask."
"Right!" Molly said cautiously.
"But then one day he just came out and told me you know. Told me everything." Sam looked at her. "I'm sorry."
"Hey hey." She said. "Nothing for you to apologise for. It was your Dad and me that messed things up. You know that. It had nothing to do with you."
"Thought it had." He said sadly. "I sometimes was a bit of a handful. Mum said you wouldn't be used to kids so I'd probably got on your nerves."
Molly bit back the angry response that was desperate to escape her lips. Her and Rebecca's relationship had always been just Ok, when she was with Charles, but she had never expected Rebecca to have used her to score points with Sam.
"That was never it Sam. You had nothing to do with it." Molly now regretted never having this conversation with Sam before now. "It was your Dad; he was ill and I didn't handle it too well."
"He's better now though." Sam said brightly. "Isn't he?"
"I think he's getting there." Was her quiet reply. Unsure what more she could say. That was about all she knew.
"So can we all be friends again?" He hopefully asked as only a fourteen year old could. Making it sound so simple.
She looked at him and wished, oh how she wished it was that simple, but knew it wasn't.
"Maybe." Was her only honest reply.
She watched as Sam's face fell in disappointment. Sadly he added.
"Mum always said you were too good for Dad. That he didn't deserve you."
Molly have a small laugh.
"Well that ain't true. I loved your Dad. Things just went wrong."
"Once heard her and Dad shouting at each other just after you got married and she told him that." Sam continued. "I thought he'd be mad but he wasn't."
Molly just nodded her encouragement for him to continue with a story that had never been told to her before. It made her curious and happy in remembering the man Charles used to be and his loyalty to her.
"Dad laughed at her and said he totally agreed. He didn't deserve you; he knew that nearly every day. But he was going to try really really hard to make sure he did."
"God bet your Mum loved hearing that." Molly teased, but inside she felt so proud.
"Yeah. She got a bit mad, shouted some more, and then Dad told her he loved you like he'd never loved anyone ever before, and he'd never ever mess it up. That you were the one for him"
Molly didn't know what to say. She had so many come backs from Charles' declaration, but saying them to his fourteen year old son was not appropriate. So she kept quiet and just smiled.
To Sam telling that story, he thought he was helping Molly in her opinion of his Dad. She understood that, but for her in hearing it, she just felt more and more confused.
He stayed a bit longer. Molly sad she couldn't drive him back to his Mum's, her ankle and cold were too much of a disability.
"Can I come again?" He asked. He'd miss her. She'd been once a fun factor in his life, and since the break up he'd only ever heard from her by phone or the occasional meet up in a McDonalds, when he was close by. Nothing substantial, nothing lasting, and he'd missed her. They used to be friends and now he was unsure what they were. But he knew being back talking to her, back in her home, being back to where Molly was Molly again was something he found nice. "This weekend?"
She laughed at his eagerness, and ordered him a taxi to the closest tube to his home, and arranged to see him again very soon. Then she waved him good bye as he disappeared into the night. Leaving her alone once more.
She guessed now that there was to be no more running. She wanted Sam back in her life, more than he had been and if that happened then Charles and her would be sure to meet too. Maybe now it was time for forgiveness. Maybe now it was time to read that letter and read what he had written to her.
The weeks passed and eventually she'd given in. She had succumbed to the pressure. Everyone was telling her it was time to forget and to try again. So that's just what she was doing.
His hands in her body once again felt divine. It had been too long, and as she melted under his touch she realised how silly she had been. How she had denied herself from this pleasure for too long.
His finger fluttered across her legs as she laid on her front on the bed, only a small sheet hid her modesty. She didn't care, he'd seen a lot more before. What he was doing to her was too sublime to allow cloths to interfere with.
He trailed is hand up her legs and massaged her muscles. She groaned with the pleasure he gave her, and Molly heard him chuckle at her response. His arrogance didn't offend her. Instead she ached for more.
If she thought his fingers touching her was enjoyable, it was nothing to the feeling of his hands now moving across the tight muscles in her neck. The oils he was using to pamper her with were deliberate and chosen well. They were her favourites and he knew it. Their use and his skills warming her skin and causing her to relax under his touch. For the first time in a very long time, Molly was allowing pleasure to be her guide.
She lay with her head half turned to the side and almost dozed off under his attention. A contented smile stayed on her face, and she almost felt like purring. She'd missed him so much. Regretted their absence from one another.
"See. Told you I was right." Bella laughed as she too lay down next her. On a separate bed in the massage therapy room. Bella, just like Molly was having a full body massage from the Spa staff. "I knew this was a good idea."
"Mmmmm." Was all she could say. Too much enjoyment from the treatments failed to allow her even to reply.
Bella had insisted. Molly had repeatedly said no, but eventually Bella had won the argument.
Every year they had done this. Every year since Charles had surprised her on her first birthday as his, had she visited. A high quality residential spa that Charles had treated her to each and every year that followed, sometime twice a year if she was very lucky. Bella had always been willing to join in and share the treat Charles offered them.
From that very first time, despite her initial fears, Molly had loved it, just like he said she would. She had never experienced anything like it before. The luxury. The pampering. The indulgence, and missed it so much when it no longer happened. When he no longer treated her to such a gift. When he no longer cared.
Her little sister, however, now earning, knew this and tried so hard, so many times to get Molly to book again, but she never had. For so long Molly had felt that this place was special because of her and Charles. Once there was no longer them anymore, she no longer wanted it's company in her life either.
Yet lately she had seen a few subtle changes in Molly and Bella tried again. This time her perseverance paid off. Bella asked and Molly surprised her this time when she agreed. The icing to the cake was to Molly's delight that on booking they discovered their favourite masseuse was available too.
It was utter bliss. Molly loved the chance to unwind, recover, and to think. She craved some mental calm, but Bella wasn't going to let her have it.
"You're a stubborn mare. You know that Molly Dawes." She said. Looking at he sister who was relaxing.
Molly neither acknowledge her sister or opened her eyes. She just continued to enjoy the professionalism of Tim's touch to help unknot her muscles.
"You're gonna have to talk about it sooner or later." Bella waited for a response. "I mean it ain't healthy."
Foolishly the night before as they had settled in, over welcome drinks, Molly having one to many, mentioned to Bella about the letter. The letter from Charles that still remained unopened.
As soon as she heard, as soon as the shock had worn off, Bella was desperate for all the information and simply couldn't believe that Molly still hadn't once been tempted to open it.
"I mean." She pressed on. "It might give you an answer. You know as to why he was such a shit to you. Bastard."
Molly had heard her family talk negatively about Charles before. Over the course of time they had called him many an unpleasant thing in their anger over his actions and the pain he'd caused Molly, but this time Bella's words hurt her.
She grabbed her towel and dressing gown and sat up. Tim's magic over for now. Her mind was no longer in that place of tranquillity.
"He's not a shit Bella." She snarled at her sister. "And keep your bleeding trap shut in front of others... it's private." She looked around embarrassed her business had been aired in public.
Molly flounced out of the calming room, anything now but calm and Bella smirked. She had at least this time gotten a reaction out of her sister as she talked of Charles. For too long she had been blank and closed whenever they came upon they subject of Charles.
Molly marched up to the water fountain. She continued.
"It's complicated Bels." She said. "You don't understand."
"What and you do?" Bella asked. "How the bleeding hell can you when you haven't even read his letter? How the hell can you know?"
"Cause I can. I was there. I lived with it." She shouted. "I saw what he was going through." Molly bravely defended Charles.
"He was mean and he was nasty." Bella pointed out. "That's all there was to it."
"No." She snapped. "That wasn't Charles. Things happened to him. Things he couldn't help, and it changed him."
"Yeah. He became a dick." Bella looked at her sister. "I can't believe you're still defending him. After what he did."
"He was ill. It wasn't his fault. You guys need to understand that and leave off him." She added as a parting shot, leaving Bella behind wide mouthed and amazed.
To hear those words come from her mouth even startled Molly. Those words were the first time she had ever admitted out loud that maybe, just maybe there was more to Charles' betrayal than first met the eye. Not dwelling on the fact that secretly, silently, deep down she'd admitted that to herself long ago.
The first glass of wine she drank slowly. Savoured and almost enjoyed. Thought and reflected. The second she drank quicker as her mind started on its overdrive. The third glass, and the last of the bottle, she annihilated it.
Molly had returned to her room for an early night. Alone. The pressure and questioning from Bella was beginning to feel too much. Spinning her thoughts and loyalty on its head.
And then she did something brave. Or stupid, depending on whose side you took. With a whole bottle of her favourite wine inside her she made a decision.
The now tattered envelope, that once had been crisp and stiff was now limp, and was also sitting temptingly in her weekend bag.
She had brought it along to the spa with her. For some reason she was unable to explain, she hadn't wanted to be parted from it.
Molly had settled herself down. Drank her wine and then taking Charles' year old letter to her...finally read it.
My Molly, it began.
Forgive me. That's what I need to say more than anything.
Words don't come easy, and writing this is so very hard.
Forgiveness is what I hope for, but I'm unsure if I deserve it.
I guess I'm the biggest hypocrite you could ever know.
Here am I expecting you to let me in, to listen to me when the truth of it is I didn't let you in, or listen to you.
You asked, you begged, so many times, but I didn't, and in all honesty I'm not expecting you to either.
But I'm going to try.
What would have happened though, could have happened differently if I had said the right words to you at the right time?
Would we have ended up how we ended up?
Would I have lost you?
Would I have lost my everything?
If I had only just let you in. Even in a small way.
If I only had just let you hold me. Just once.
If only I had allowed you to take on some of my pain, my worries, like you tried to do so many times.
If only I hadn't blamed myself entirely for Elvis' death. If only.
Where would we be now if I hadn't cut you out?
If I hadn't cut you off from anything that was my world, simply because I didn't know how to let you in?
I know it was me.
All me.
Not you. Never you. You tried. I never did.
I simply couldn't and then by the time l realised what I had done, what I had lost and wanted back... you rightly so had gone.
You did what you had to do to save yourself. Although that hurts; I'm pleased you did... to save yourself. The guilt I have for destroying us is nothing to the guilt I would have had if I'd completely destroyed you too.
Now at last, too late for us, I'm finally able to do what I need to do to save myself at least.
I'm attending. I'm talking. I'm appreciating the sessions I receive and need.
I'm trying.
I'm trying to get back to who I was.
The friend.
The soldier.
The man you were once proud to be married to.
What happened to us Molly ... well…. I know made you do it. I pushed you way. I had wanted you for so long to tell me you'd had enough. I waited and waited for that day.
And then finally you did. You said goodbye to everything that held me together, because I had made life too hard for you to stay.
And when you did go, at that very moment I knew.
Knew it was wrong.
Knew it was not what I wanted or needed. I didn't want you to leave.
Knew it was too late though. I'd made too many mistakes. How could I ever gain your forgiveness but I was going to try?
I'd intended to walk away. Leave the section. Ask for help. But then the opportunity I thought I wanted, needed, knocked on my quarters door, and I wasn't man enough to say no.
I was confused. I was powerless. I was scared.
So scared, and now because I'd hurt you over months and months of silence I was now alone.
So when I was offered something that would numb that pain for a while I foolishly took it.
And regretted it ever since.
I know I want you to forgive me, but I know you can't forgive me for that.
That type of forgiveness I won't ask for because I can't forgive myself for it either.
But I do want you to forgive me for hurting you and pushing you away.
I was ill. I was consumed by a darkness that even you, my bright wonderful Molly, was not enough to pull me from. I started to drown in my grief and guilt every day.
Every single time I opened my eyes I believed that there was no one who could rescue me. I see that now.
But I was wrong.
It took me to hit the absolute bottom. To do something I never thought I'd be capable of doing to understand that there was nowhere else to go but upwards again. That there was help for me.
And so I'm clawing myself back.
In the beginning each day was a challenge and so hard. It's still is hard. I don't say that for pity, I say that so you understand that even though each day is hard I still see it all as worth it.
It was only when the darkness became less, that I felt the utter physical pain of losing you. I nearly lost my grip for a while... again.
Nearly lost the ability to keep on clawing back but somehow I did.
The thought of what we once had, my happy place that Tina told me to go to whenever I need strength, was always my goal. That happy place is you.
And so Molly even though it's two years too late I'm now finally accepting your help.
It's time that is making me better each and every step of the way, but it's you I see as my motivation and my reason to get back to being me.
So thank you Molly. You've saved me. You are saving me.
You've helped me more than you could ever know.
You'll always have my eternal thanks and love for that.
I can't expect your heart to fully forgive me for what I did, but I can hope that maybe it will in some small way.
On some level; in any way.
I miss my friends. You and Elvis. You were my friends and I've lost you both for good.
I know I stand no chance with Elvis, but maybe one day there's a chance for us?
We could even try and give a go at friendship maybe?
Thank you for reading this letter.
I hope you'll be gentle with me in your opinion and judgement.
I hope you'll call. I'd love that you'd call. I'll hold out hope that you'll call...one day.
Stay safe Molly. Stay focus and stay alive.
I want nothing more than that for now.
That and the hope that one day you'll pick up the phone and call me.
That we can talk.
That we can try.
I miss you Molly and I'm sorry.
Love always.
Your Charles Xxx
Molly read every word that he wrote. Read every line repeatedly until her eyes could read no more. Took the confession in as it lay before her eyes, and understood the pain he had been in then and so long ago. And realised it almost matched hers.
And now she knew. Now she felt as though she knew it all, but still needed more. More, or something else she was almost too frightened to admit to. Yet now she knew that for the first time in a long time that maybe, just maybe she had a plan to move on and to put her and Charles' past behind them.